Finding Solace
by Dunna
Summary: He didn't know, she didn't tell him...sadly, that's still no excuse. AU- All human. Complete.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey thank you for taking the time to check this out. This is my first fanfiction ever. I just want to say right now I tried to be as accurate as possible with the information on how to become a Doctor and medical information throughout the story. If anything is wrong please point it out and I'll correct it.**

**This is the first one of a multi-chaptered story. **

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Celebration

"We could just go home, you know. We don't have to make it a big deal." I pleaded again. I had bigger plans for tonight. Much, much bigger plans.

She stopped in front of me and held my gaze. "Yes, we do. Edward, you just went from intern to resident. This has to be celebrated…Dr. Cullen" She countered.

Dr. Cullen.

Has a nice ring to it. I had been working as an intern in the Virginia Mason Medical Center and Hospital in Seattle for the past year and a half. It was tough: horrible schedule, insomnia, fatigue, endless examinations and practices and a million other things. But I pulled through it because I loved it. Every time I got to help save someone was an incredible rush. Second only to the rush I got every time I got to hold her in my arms.

My girlfriend. My Bella.

"You worked so hard, you pushed through so much, you deserve to celebrate this. It's a milestone. One of many." She stretched on her tiptoes and softly pressed her lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around her and deepened the kiss. After a few minutes we pulled apart to breath.

"Come on." She said, pulling on my arm to enter the local bar we frequented.

Once we got inside I was deafened by a boisterous "SURPRISE!!!" coming from every single member of my family, friends and co-workers. There was also a huge banner reading: "Congratulation Dr. Cullen." Right underneath it was a 5 lb cake in the form of a stethoscope that had the words 'Eddie the Meddie' on it. The cake was Alice's doing. She couldn't let any occasion slip by without a huge celebration. My cousin was like that. The words on the cake however I would bet anything were Emmett's doing. Since "Edward the Doctor" didn't rhyme, my brother took it upon himself to fashion me a term that would. The fact that it's grammatically incorrect doesn't hinder his enthusiasm for the invention.

I was stunned to say the least. I hadn't seen some of this people in over six months, what with my working schedule and some of them living hours away. Bella pulled me out of my reverie. "Did I get you?" She asked while giving me a kiss on the cheek.

I just stared at her dumfounded. "You did this?" She nodded shyly and bit her lip nervously awaiting my reaction. "I love you. Thank you so much for this." I said honestly and went to kiss her lips. Before I got to them however we were interrupted by a squealing Alice. "Edward, oh my God we haven't seen each other in months and when Bella called to have this organized I was so happy I made sure everybody's schedules were free because everyone has missed you so much but we totally understand that you can't just up and leave. Just like some of us can't. I mean, I know I live closer than your Mom and Dad do but I also have things to do Edward so if you're thinking of saying "Well, the phone rings both ways" then let me tell you something Mister, it does. So what's your excuse, huh?" She said all of that in one breath. And now she was glaring at me.

"Um, I was trying to become a resident?" I choked out. Even though I towered over her by over a foot, she scared me sometimes. She was like a soda, nice and sweet when untouched but shake her up and she explodes.

"Oh, that's right. Congratulations Edward. You deserved it." She hugged me around the waist and then went to hug Bella and talk a mile a minute about what had happened since the last time we had all seen each other.

"Eddie!" Emmett yelled in my ear while giving me a one armed hug seeing as I hadn't let go of Bella yet. Not that I ever would. "Congratulations, man. Like the cake?" He chuckled.

The next few minutes consisted of me being hugged, yelled at, poked and prodded be everyone in attendance. Once I had greeted and thanked everyone we all sat down in the makeshift banquet table that was nothing more than all the loose tables of the bar stacked together with a few cloths over them to cover the separations. We had the bar to ourselves and we filled it. Bella was in the chair next to mine, if it weren't for my parents I'd have had her sit down on my lap. But it probably wasn't appropriate public behavior and she embarrassed easily.

A few minutes later a waitress came over to take orders.

"Beers for all." Said Jasper, Alice's still-going-strong high school sweetheart and one of my best friends.

"Just an orange juice for me." Bella said quietly to the waitress.

"Why?" I asked. "We're celebrating, remember?"

"I can't drink any alcohol." She looked into my eyes and grinned at me. "I'm tonight's designated driver."

"Oh." Now, most people wouldn't consider having one beer an impairment for driving. Fork's Chief of Police's only daughter however was taught differently, so I didn't push the matter further. "Okay."

The beers and O.J. came and with them the toasts made their appearance. They started out fairly innocent. My parents saying how proud they were of me for persevering in something as hard as Medicine, how they always knew I would do well in life and how they were incredibly happy for me and everything I had accomplished so far. Alice said that she knew I was going to have a great life, because I was set on my path and as long as I didn't change my mind on anything major, everything would work out for me. Alice Cullen, Fashion Designer by day, Psychic by night. Jasper and Rosalie both wished me luck for the future. The twins were more on the shy side with large groups. They were anything but when it was just the six of us, though. And Emmett, oh Emmett had brought the speeches to an abrupt close when he said that he always knew I would be great in Medicine because I used to play "Doctor" with Bella so often growing up that he was sure I was a Specialist by the time I was in the eighth grade. Bella blushed ten shades of red and I wanted to lunge at him from across the table. Rosalie was faster than me though and smacked him hard on the head.

It was eerily quite for a second and then the waitress asked unsurely "So… how 'bout more beer?" Cheers were chanted and the little incident was quickly forgotten. Conversation flowed easily after the second round of beer was brought.

I started talking with my parents, curious to know what they had been up to since the last time I'd seen them. Though I tried to talk to them regularly on the phone I relished every opportunity I had to actually sit down and have a conversation with them. I also thanked them again for making the long drive from Forks. My Father worked in the little clinic there. He was offered a position in the hospital I worked at now before I had even been born, his reputation as a great surgeon preceded him, but he respectfully declined it stating that neither him nor my Mother were made for big cities.

Turns out they were going on a little vacation to Europe, also one of the reasons not to work in a big hospital; he had much more spare time in Fork's Clinic than he would ever have in my hospital. They were leaving tomorrow which worked out great with today's festivities.

Jasper was hard at work with his Engineering Company. Rosalie was busy modeling Alice's creations. Emmett was still loving his job as a Pediatrician. It still shocks me that someone so burly on the outside could be such a softy on the inside. He looked like a weight lifter and had muscles bigger than my head but he turned to mush with kids. He loved them. I loved them too, I would love to be a Pediatrician too but losing adult patients was hard enough. I couldn't cope with the death of an innocent child. I knew my weaknesses.

Mike and Jessica had just moved in together. Ben and Angela had both gotten new jobs and were loving them. And Lauren, well Lauren was Lauren. She was like a boomerang; you couldn't get rid of her no matter how hard you tried. The only reason she was ever invited to any party was because she was the biggest gossip in the planet and she would hassle you until she scored an invitation. I wonder who was the unfortunate soul that was overheard by her regarding tonight's plans. Bella would never have invited her on purpose.

I saw her eyeing me up and I tightened my hold on Bella, she felt the pressure and turned around to look at me with a little furrow in her brows. I mumbled the reason for my actions and she immediately laughed. Once she was done she turned completely to face me and whispered "Let's see if she gets the message now." And she gave me one of the most passionate kisses we had ever shared in public. She gripped my hair in her small hands, pushing me to her. Her tongue asked a silent question and I responded by granting it access to mine. She was staking her claim and I willingly let her. My hands circled her waist and now I was pulling her toward me. When we came up for air I had my wishes fulfilled, she was sitting on my lap. And she wasn't blushing. She looked up defiantly at Lauren with a little smirk at the corner of her now swollen lips.

Maybe boomerangs weren't so bad after all.

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**There you have it. I hope you enjoyed it enough to come back for more. I must warn you, though. This isn't a lovey-dovey story.**

**Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome. Have a great day.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys. Thank you for coming back. I don't know if you want to be singled out but "Edward's-a-beefcake" thank you so much for your alert. It's awesome to know someone who's impartial actually liked this story.**

**Alright guys, the drama begins now.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

The mistake

"I think it's time to go." Bella insisted yet again.

"Not yeh. I'm -hic- havin' a lotta fun. Come on, less –hic- stay a little longer. Please." I pouted…and slurred.

I was having a blast. Everyone was, but I was the one who was making it the most obvious. The party had now been going on for hours; it was well into the early morning hours. But then again it was Friday night and I didn't have to work tomorrow. Or today anyway.

We had eaten the cake, talked, danced and drunk. Me, especially and I was now officially hammered. Totally and completely pissed. Drr-unk. As I had never been before. It was fun. Emmett said I should get drunk more often because I wasn't as uptight. Jasper said he wouldn't envy the imminent headache that would befall me. Bella said that maybe I should stop with the drinks and go home to sleep it off.

I said no because I was having too much fun, but in the back of my mind I knew there was an ulterior motive for me not wanting to get Bella home right now. Something told me that I had to get home before her. Why, though? I had absolutely no idea. But they say you should always listen to your sub-conscience and that's what I did. So instead of letting her take me home I took her to the bar's little stage and serenaded her. Why on earth I let Alice and Rosalie pick the song for me to sing however I would never understand.

But I was told by Bella that my version of "I'm too sexy" far surpassed Right Said Fred's. The slow unbuttoning of my shirt, however, she asked to save for when we were home alone.

"I really think we should go Edward, almost everyone has left already, you're drunker than you have ever been and I'm tired, I want to go to sleep. Please? Besides I should get you a cup of coffee and then to bed, you're not going stay on your feet much longer and I'm not sure I can carry you by myself." She lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek while holding my gaze with puppy dog eyes. Damn! She wasn't playing fair; she knew that look was my Achilles' heel. I had to look away or my resolve would falter. But then she smiled, and my world stopped. I would grant her every wish.

"Okay, less –hic- go. Luv." I agreed, staring at her like an idiot.

"Okay." She gave me a little kiss on the cheek and led me toward the exit. I stumbled after her.

I looked around and was shocked to realize that the bar was already empty; where did everyone go? The only people left were Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and the boomerang. Ha-ha, boomerang. Because she keeps coming back, right? I wonder who made that up. It's funny. You know what else is funny? The word "giggle". "Giggle", I can't say it with a straight face. Like I can't say "fajitas" or "burritos" with a straight face, that's why Bella and I hardly ever go to Mexican restaurants. I can't say anything in the menu right, I giggle through everything. Giggle. That's a funny word. You know what else is f-

"How's he doing?" I heard Jasper ask Bella when we approached them.

"He's muttering about boomerangs, giggles and fajitas." She said. Huh, well lookie there. My private, internal monologue had been external and open to the public.

"Come on Eddie, let's get you in the car." Emmett and Jasper both took me from Bella's grasp. They each had one of my arms over their shoulders. They slowly walked me to the passenger's side of Bella's car. Bella unlocked the door and the guys got me in. Bella leaned over me and strapped my seat belt. I would've done it myself but I was thinking about how unfair it was that Bella couldn't eat Mexican food because I couldn't stop laughing at how the words sounded. God, I was an awful boyfriend.

"Are you sure you're okay to go alone? You know we wouldn't mind driving with you to make sure you get there safely." Alice asked Bella. Everyone else nodded.

"No, it's alright. It's not that far a drive and the streets are pretty empty right now, anyway. Besides, you guys are tired too, and we're going in separate directions. Also-" Her voice dropped a little. "Lauren needs a ride, and she's going your way." She said that in barely contained anger. Turns out Lauren had overheard Tyler about tonight and wheedled her way in. She also had conveniently managed to get Tyler to pick her up but hadn't left when he did, so that now she could get a ride from me. Lucky for me I was too drunk to drive and Bella would rather drink blood than give her a ride anywhere.

"Alright, well if you're sure. Goodnight then." Alice kissed her cheek, the rest of them followed suit. All minus Lauren. Bella slammed my door shut and went over to the driver's side just as Lauren was approaching us.

I rolled down my window. "Goo'nite guys, thank –hic- you for ev-thing. I hadda lotta fun." I slurred. I think I need coffee.

They chuckled lightly. "Goodnight Edward. Go rest that hangover. We'll talk to you tomorrow, alright? Congratulations again." Rosalie said. Congratulations? For what? Was it my birthday?

"Thankieoo" I said, even though I didn't know why she was congratulating me I was still raised to be polite. Mom would be proud, even in a drunken haze I remembered my manners.

"Bye guys. Thanks and talk to you later." Bella said, leaning over me to talk to them through my rolled down window. "Goodnight." She started the car, backed out the parking space and made her way to the freeway.

I rested my head against the seat. She was silent for a long time. I decided to break the silence. "Bella. Are you awake?"

I heard a quiet chuckle. "Yes, Edward. I'm driving remember?" She said, while placing a hand on my cheek. "But you can go to sleep if you want. I'll wake you up when we get home." Her hand was playing with my hair now.

Home. That rang a bell. Wasn't I saying something before about not wanting to get Bella home? Something about me having to get home before her? Didn't I have other plans for tonight? Much, much bigger plans.

It hit me like a bolt of lightning. I was proposing to Bella tonight. I'd decorated the living room with candles and flowers making their way into our bedroom where a personalized quilt that read "Forever" underneath a picture of us was covering the bed and dozens of roses of all colors were surrounding the bed. A single red rose was resting right beneath the affirmation on the quilt, with a 1 carat, round cut, white gold solitaire peeking out from the middle. I was going to tell her to get me something from the car, light all the candles, change as fast as I could into the tux hanging over the door and the wait for her to come to the room, take the rose, kneel down in front of her and ask her to please take me as hers.

And now I was too drunk to do that. She deserved better, much, much better. I couldn't let her get home.

"Bella, I don' wanna go home. Less –hic- go out instead." I pleaded. It might've worked if I hadn't hiccupped.

"Edward, no. We're both tired and everything's closed." She said. She sounded tired. "Besides" she added "we're almost there."

And so I panicked. The moment I had been planning for the past six months, the proposal that she was going to love and treasure for the rest of our lives was going to be ruined. I couldn't let that happen. I had to act. Fast. We were getting close. We were nearing the second to last exit.

Unthinkingly, moronically, stupidly I grabbed the steering wheel and yanked it with all my might to the right. Meaning to force her to get off on the wrong exit.

It all happened very slowly then. It wasn't fast like it should've been considering we were going at over 90 mph. I was aware of every detail. The shock sobered me up much faster than sleep and coffee might've. Bella's startled, confused eyes turned to face me. "Edward, what-" She didn't finish, she looked out the windshield and her eyes widened. I did the same and stiffened. We had been too close to the barrier to actually make it out the exit. So we were now going to crash into the v-shaped obstruction. We were crashing, there was no stopping it. We were crashing into a hard metal fence at almost 100 miles per hour. I turned to look at Bella just as we connected to the fence. The impact came faster than I'd expected. She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Her hands, instead of facing forward to try to stop any damage to her face went to fold over her lower stomach. Her body rose from her seat and her entire torso and stomach slammed into the steering wheel with such force that I heard a deafening crack and knew her arm had broken. Maybe both had. Her head connected with the glass in front of her and she went limp. The horn blared.

I had turned my body and outstretched my hands to try to help her. A second later my entire upper right side and head crashed into the dash.

Then all the lights went out.

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**Whoopsie daisies, he messed up.**

**Reviews, critiques and in this case flames are welcomed. It's great to get more than chain mail and statements on your e-mail. Next chapter should be up by tomorrow or Saturday I think. I haven't written it yet but I'll get on it tonight.**

**Have a great day.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, everyone!!! I know, three updates in three days. I don't have much of a life. Lol- Anyway, thank you so much to everyone who has given this story a chance despite the sadness of it. Be warned, it gets even sadder starting now. Special thanks to Edward's-a-beefcake, gg2full and HisInnocentDarkAngel who actually took the time to review. I'll let you in on a little secret, my contingency plan in case I didn't get any reviews was to make my Mom review as many time as necessary in order for people to read. You've saved her from carpal tunnel- thanks. Many thanks to everyone who's alerted this story too.**

**Also, special thanks to my uncle, whom I've been hounding for medical information. He's a doctor. I know he won't read this but he deserves a little shout out.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Repercussions

I came to with the blaring of a siren and someone checking my vitals. I was in a stretcher, wearing a neck brace. My right shoulder felt like a truck had slammed into it. My head throbbed.

"Sir, do you who you are? Can you tell me your name?" A young man sitting by my head and dressed in a white shirt with my hospital's name on it asked me. I realized he was an EMT. He looked at me expectantly.

My name. What was my name? Come on, think. It starts with a vowel. "A" as in Anthony?

That sounds familiar.

"Um, what happened?" I asked him. Maybe it's with an "E"?

"You were in a crash, sir. Do you remember your name? Do you know what day it is? How many fingers am I holding up?" He spewed the words at me. A crash? I have never in my life been in a cr –

It all came back then. The party, me getting drunk, the proposal and veering the car off course so Bella wouldn't find out like this. Oh, my God, Bella. Where was she? How badly was she hurt? Had I k- I couldn't finish that thought. She had to be fine. She _had_ to be.

"Where's Bella? How is she? I want to see her. I want to talk to her. Where is she?" Though my voice was weak the panic and urgency in it were evident. I made a move to get up and my shoulder and ribs protested. The EMT settled me back down.

"Sir please calm down. We're on our way to the hospital. Can you tell me your name?" He pleaded. He was new at this, I could tell by his hesitation.

I didn't care.

"It's Edward! My fucking name is Edward Anthony Masen Cullen. Today's fucking Saturday and you were holding up three chubby fingers. Did I pass your fucking little test? Where the hell is Bella? Take me to her, I want to see her!" I was yelling so loud I could barely breathe. But God dammit, couldn't he just answer the fucking question? Was that so hard?

"She's on the other ambulance sir; her wounds were far more extensive than yours, so they took her first." Oh God.

"Is she gonna be okay? Please tell me the truth." I was afraid of his answer. I couldn't deal with a negative. My breathing stopped in anticipation.

"As I said her wounds were much more severe than yours because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt so the impact was much stronger for her." He hadn't answered.

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked again slowly. My head started throbbing again.

"She was being revived when the ambulance took her."

I stopped breathing.

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"- he knows?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Either way this is going to kill him."

"Should we ask him first? We shouldn't assume anything. We don't know how he would take it." That voice sounded like my Mother. What was she doing here?

"Yeah and who wants to be the one to ask that? Hey Edward did you know that Bel-"

"He's waking up." Alice interrupted Emmett's sentence.

I hadn't realized I was stirring. I went to open my eyes, it took a few tries but finally I was able to focus on the room without it being blurry. My head still hurt though.

I took in my surroundings. I was in a hospital room, lying on a bed with an IV hooked to my left hand, my right arm was in a cast and I was bare-chested with my shoulder and torso bandaged. I looked around and saw my whole family standing next to my bed. My parents were there. As well as Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice. Bella was missing.

"Where's Bella?" I croaked.

"Oh Edward. We're so happy you're okay. We were so worried. We got a call from Emmett in the middle of the night saying the hospital said you two were in an accident and were being taken here. We came as fast as we could but you were being checked and then they pumped your stomach because you were so intoxicated. That's why the IV's hooked, they didn't want you to dehydrate. When you were stable they put you in this room and you've been sleeping ever since. About 5 hours. But apart from the bruising and swelling in your torso, a dislocated shoulder and a little bleeding from your head nothing much is wrong with you. You'll be up and about in no time. You'll see." My mother finished her little speech while running her hand up and down my left arm in a soothing manner.

She hadn't answered my question, either. Just like the EMT. I didn't miss that fact.

"Where's Bella? Is she okay?" I asked with a little more strength to my voice.

"We'll go get the doctor. Tell him you woke up. We'll be right back." Rosalie said, dragging Jasper after her.

Everyone's eyes watered. I panicked.

"Mom, what? Where is she? Is she okay? I want to see her." I was beginning to hyperventilate. My eyes were stinging.

"Well Edward, the thing is Bella had it a little worse than you. She smashed into the steering wheel. Her right forearm is broken, her left wrist was sprained, she also has 2 broken ribs, one of them perforated her lung, she needed stitches on her head, she had a big cut from when she hit the glass, she's bruised everywhere…and" She stopped.

I waited impatiently for her to continue. What else could I have possibly done to her?

"And what, Mom and what?" Her tears were falling freely now. She couldn't speak for sobbing.

"Edward, we're so sorry." My father said.

Sorry about what? What else did they know?

A red haired man with a doctor's robe walked in. Rosalie and Jasper following after him.

"Mr. Cullen. Edward, how are you feeling?" I had seen him before but I couldn't remember his name. I peeked discreetly at the letters sewn on his robe. They said Dr. J. Jankowski. Right underneath it read Trauma.

"I'm fine, how's Bella?" I asked. _Again_. Hopefully this time I would get straight answers.

"Well Ms. Swan's in Observation right now. Her condition, though not longer critical is not as good as yours. She's expected to make a full recovery, though, her lesions were mostly all treatable. She-"

"Mostly?" You can't say someone's expected to make a full recovery and then say that only _most_ of the injuries were treatable.

He looked around the room as if assessing if I should be informed or not.

"Mostly?" I repeated, anger and impatience seeping through my voice. I was getting tired of this.

"Edward, I'm really sorry. The damage was already done; there was nothing we could've done no matter how hard we tried. The impact was too strong." His voice sounded methodical, professional. Was that what I sounded like with my patients?

"I don't understand." I said in a small voice.

My family's sobs increased.

"She had a miscarriage, Edward."

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**Were you expecting that? I think one of you might've. Is the summary starting to make sense?**

**Stick around, it gets better- granted not for a while but eventually it will. I promise.**

**If you review you get thanked at right at the beginning of the chapter. Who doesn't want to be recognized via internet? If you don't, well I still thank you for reading. Since I really don't have a life I'm fairly sure that the next chapter will be up by tomorrow night, or midnight Saturday.**

**Have a great day guys. **


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello little ones!!! Here it is. Edward's reaction. Bella's reaction will be later in the story. This chapter was really hard to write, and I mean that both literally and metaphorically. It's emotionally charged, I'm afraid the happy times are not here yet. I wanted to get it just right and I considered different possible reactions. I went with the one I think was most plausible, so it took me almost 6 hours to finish. Yep, I started writing at midnight; it is now 5:40 am. **

**Big thanks to Edward's-a-beefcake and HisInnocentDarkAngel who just do not give up on this story. The latter actually favorited it, can you believe it? I can't. Thank you again.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

A mask

I heard the words well, they were clear enough.

Their meaning however escaped me.

"What?" I asked the doctor, hoping more than anything that I'd heard him wrong. No, no way. It wasn't true. No need to worry.

"She lost the baby, Edward. As I said before, we couldn't do anything. The damage-" I cut him off.

"What baby?" I was completely lost. "She's not pregnant." She wasn't, I would've known, she would've told me. She couldn't have been pregnant. She just _couldn't_.

The women in the room gave a few quiet sobs. Jasper and Emmett looked down.

_They're playing you. Taking advantage of your hangover. They just chose the worst possible joke ever._

"She was. She didn't tell you?" I'd never heard my father's voice so pained.

"She's not." My assurances were falling on deaf ears. Six of the seven pairs of eyes in the room shared the same look: Pity. For me, for my situation and for my attempts at correcting them. Dr. Jankowski's gaze was detached, he was here to inform and evaluate, not to console, _that_ was the patient's family's job. I focused on him. I welcomed his apathy.

"I'm so sorry Edward." I heard in the background. I don't know who said it, I couldn't recognize the voice.

I froze. In that moment I realized it was true. The only person being stubborn in the room was me. I was holding on to the last shred of hope I had with such obstinacy that I made myself blind to what was evident. I was trying not to acknowledge what I knew in the back of my mind must be true. They couldn't lie to you in a hospital. Not about something like this. Your family couldn't play a part in such an awful, twisted joke.

The room became claustrophobic. Suddenly it was too much for me to handle: The people in it, the pity radiating from my family, the disinterest from the doctor, Bella's absence and the hidden truth I had finally conceded. I did the only thing I could: I shut down so effectively I ended up alone in a crowded room. It was just me, alone in a sea of regret. No compass, no paddle. It was just me wishing more than anything that I was dreaming. That I could wake up to find this was a nightmare, I would gladly have it everyday if I knew I could wake up from it. But mostly it was just me, alone and much more haunted than ever before.

Did she know?

Maybe she didn't, oh how I hoped she didn't. Not because that would ease my guilt- I could live a thousand lives and still my shame wouldn't cease. But because she didn't deserve to pain over this, she didn't deserve to know than in a moment of sheer stupidity I had managed to end something that was just beginning. Something that should have never been ended. She didn't need to know that I had tainted the purest thing we would have ever had. She didn't deserve that kind of pain. I did. And I would take it, I would take it all and I wouldn't complain. Hers, mine, our family's, the world's. I would walk with that burden on my back gladly if I just knew… that it wasn't me. That I wasn't the one who was going to break her heart.

Without permission my mind relived that night at the bar. It remembered all the things Bella had said and done in order to answer my question.

"Just an orange juice for me." Hesitation. "I can't drink any alcohol." Grin. "I'm tired." Complaint. "Let's see if she gets the message." Passion. "Lauren needs a ride." Anger.

I was matching each statement to a reaction. And my answer was given to me. Two sentences ran like a mantra in my mind:

"Just an orange juice for me. I can't drink any alcohol. Just an orange juice for me. I can't drink any alcohol. Just an orange juice for me. I can't drink any alcohol."

_Her hands, instead of facing forward to try to stop any damage to her face went to fold over her lower stomach._

She was protecting it.

She knew.

All my thoughts stopped.

"Edward? Edward, are you okay? Edward, please!" The words made their way to my ears.

I didn't answer.

"Edward? Dr. Jankowski can't you do anything? I think he went into shock, he's not responding, shouldn't we slap him or throw water at him or something?"

The voice in the background was growing stronger.

"Oh my God, Edward, please! Please say something, _do_ something. Blink."

There was more than one voice. The hint of hysteria was a common element in all.

I felt hands grip my wrist; another pair touched my face and hair. All of a sudden a light was in front of my eye, it moved to the other one and then back. My eyes started to sting. I blinked.

"Oh thank God, Edward. You had us so scared."

That was all I needed to thaw out. _I_ didn't come back though, a hollow, empty, shell-like version of myself did.

She knew.

"Edward?"

"Leave." My voice was emotionless, as empty as the rest of me.

"Edward."

"Thank you for coming, but I need to be alone right now. Please leave."

They listened; one by one they left the room leaving get-well soon wishes and "We'll come back later" promises behind.

Just as the doctor was about to leave I felt my mouth open.

"Dr. Jankowski?" He turned around. "How far along was she?"

"She was about to start her sixth week." His voice, before methodical and professional sounded uncertain now.

There had been a heartbeat.

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I was discharged the next day. I had gone to her immediately. They'd moved her to a room just like the one I'd been in. Her condition was improving and they were allowing me to go in to see her. She wasn't conscious yet, but it was okay, she needed to rest.

When I first saw her the mask that had taken over my features had threatened to crack.

My heart chipped.

I had hurt her so bad. Every single part of her was bruised, bandaged, broken or swollen. Her lips, her face, her hands, her chest… her stomach. All because of me. How I wished it were me laying there, and how I wished my injuries had been worse. It wasn't fair that I could walk around and she couldn't. That I wasn't hurt because she had strapped my seatbelt but not hers. It didn't make any sense, she always did. It wasn't fair that I was saved by the very person I had destroyed.

I couldn't say anything to her. I just held her hand and wished to somehow take the pain away, to suck it all in. To have her wake up healed. Well and happy.

I looked down from her face to her stomach. Empty, hollow. Like me. Because of me.

No, she wouldn't wake up well and happy, she wouldn't heal magically and I couldn't swallow her pain. Maybe it was better like this; not being able to fix what I had broken, that hurt more. I deserved that pain. I should take it and be grateful.

So here I was again, by her side. I couldn't leave her, but I couldn't talk to her either. I should be on my knees crying my eyes out, but I wasn't. I hadn't cried, I had just…stopped. I had stopped existing, I was just waiting. Waiting for her to come back to me and save me. I was so disgustingly selfish that I actually needed her to save me. She would know what to do, what to say, how to act.

Her hand was a little warmer than it had been the last two days. That was a good sign.

I took it to my cheek and cupped it. Her touch was my salvation. I took her hand and placed a gentle kiss on top of it. Her fingers twitched.

My mask cracked altogether. She was coming back. She was on her way.

I felt a glimmer of hope.

"Bella?" That name was my life raft.

Her eyes were fluttering open.

"Bella?" She was so close. I was going to be saved again.

Her eyes finally opened and a grin broke through me. My mask thrown away and forgotten. This power was only held by her. No one else.

Her eyes focused on me. I grinned like an idiot. Expectantly.

"Edward." Her voice was weak, but it would strengthen. I would make sure of it.

"Hi love. I'm so happy you came back." I was on the verge of tears.

That woke her up; her hand flew from my grasp to her stomach. Panic set in. For the both of us.

"Edward, is the baby alright?" Tears pooled her eyes.

My heart finally broke.

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**Oh God, isn't that sad? I swear I nearly cried both writing it and proof reading it. A paragraph and a sentence are especially hard for me to take in.**

**I hope you enjoyed it. And I hope you review. Am I being too sadistic?**

**Next chapter should be up by Sunday I think. I get off work really late on Saturdays. So I'll probably write it and post it Sunday.**

**Have a great Saturday guys.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey, sorry if you got an e-mail with an upload and then it didn't work. It went up without AN or disclaimers. I'm so sorry.**

**Alright, time to give thanks. Edward's-a-beefcake, gg2full, HisInnocentDarkAngel and MyNameisnotYou, thank you so much for reviewing. MyNameisnotYou, thank you for such a nice PM. The rest of the people who have alerted this story thank you so much. aCe225 and Cullengirl08, thank you for favoriting it. It would be great to hear your thoughts on the story. Feel free to review. Speaking of, I've reached double digits!!! It's so exciting, I've got 10, that's 10 more than I expected to receive. Thank you so much.**

**Also, I've forgotten this twice already. The name "J. Jankowski" is actually the main character in "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen. Great book. His first name is Jacob, I just used J. because it would be unnecessarily confussing. He's actually a vet, though. Just wanted to get on that, don't wanna get in trouble.**

**This chapter is split in two: Edward's answer and a set up for the next chapter. Which, again, will be sad. **

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Truths

Silence.

"Edward?" Bella's voice was broken. Just like the rest of her. Just like me.

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to begin. I just sat there watching her trying to pry an answer from me.

"Edward, please answer me. Please tell me the truth. Is the baby alright?" She went to bite her bottom lip to fight the tears. The pain from the swelling made her blink and she lost the battle.

Two big droplets fell from the deep chocolate brown eyes that were my window into her soul. Today the window was shut. There was no depth, no love, no understanding. Just fear. Fear and sheer panic. Not for her, though. She wasn't afraid for herself, or of everything she'd gone through. Her hand shifted around her stomach as if willing herself to feel the baby move, to make sure that it was still there. To make sure it was still okay.

I just looked on. Unable to help and unable to leave.

Her sobs grew stronger, her small frame shaking. She was beginning to see my silence as an affirmation. She was giving up. On it, on us, on herself. The light was fading from her eyes quickly. It was being replaced by a fog of uncertainty. A mist of all things bad. Panic, despair, desolation and fear graced her features before settling on nothing. Tears kept falling from her eyes only because of gravity. Her hand stopped moving. She looked into my eyes and where her tears and sobs and pleas had not cracked me, this gaze was my undoing. She had given up. She was lost like me, no compass, no paddle. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't watch her become a shell. I couldn't let her wear my mask. I had to help her find her way back.

And so I stood up.

I went to dry her tears and cover her hand.

"Shh, love. It's okay." I kissed her cheek carefully. "The baby's okay." I whispered in her ear.

I would pound on the doors of Hell and beg for entrance for that. The amount of pain I deserved to be put through had just magnified immeasurably. I had just started digging my own grave.

But it was worth it. Because the second my eyes connected with hers again I saw what I wanted. What I needed. She was beginning to fight again. She was finding her way back.

"Really?" She croaked. Tears were threatening to reappear. Only this time they were bringing company. The corners of her lips were curving upward. Just a little longer, now. "The crash was so intense. Edward, please, please I'm begging you, tell me the truth. Please don't lie to me, not about this." Her voice was dropping again; the happy tears were being kept at bay. She needed to make completely sure before she released them.

And so I risked it all. I gambled my life and my soul away just to see her smile again.

I took her hand in mine, kissed the top of it and then held it to my heart. "I would never." Lie, complete and utter lie. For her I would. I would do this and more just to make sure I didn't break her any more than I already had.

And then it happened. Her face split into a heart-stopping smile and I was home. She'd found her way out of the sea and had taken me with her.

I smiled. My heart started healing.

I would pay; I would pay _so_ highly for this. At the moment I couldn't care, though. She was alive, she was happy and despite what I'd done she was letting me hold her. I took advantage of the latter and tightened my grip on her. She pulled me in for a hug. Her cries came, mine followed. We were both shaking with sobs, hers were for our baby, mine for ourselves. We would make it through this. Somehow, someway we would make it through this. I could hope for nothing more.

We held on to each other for a long time. The sobs were gone and the hug was all that mattered. It was comfort, it was gratefulness and it was love. I would have added forgiveness but I knew I didn't deserve it.

"Are you happy, Edward?" She asked in a voice muffled by our embrace.

She was letting me close to her after I nearly finished her. How could she even doubt it?

I pulled her back and stared into her eyes. "Exceedingly so, love. You have no idea." I may be a coward and a bastard but that question, _that_ I would never lie about. Not under the circumstances. Never, given the situation.

"About the baby, I mean. I know we never really discussed having children but I'm really glad this happened. I can't wait to have your baby Edward Cullen." Her hand went to rest on her stomach again.

I choked on a sob. I was beginning to pay. I felt the little healed parts of my heart break again.

She looked up and smiled at me. She reached forward and pressed her lips to mine. I wasn't quick enough to respond. She took our hands and placed them over her stomach, rubbing soothing circles around it. She was happy, she really was. She was happy because she thought she could be.

Her eyes started to close. "I hope it's a boy" fell quietly from her lips.

In that moment, watching her start to drift off to sleep, muttering things about our no longer existent baby I realized my mistake. We wouldn't be okay; we wouldn't survive this because I'd lied. She'd asked and I'd lied pretending it was for her sake. It had been for mine, because I couldn't deal with what I'd done. Because I was looking for solace and coming up empty.

She fell asleep and I removed my hand from where it was resting. It was suddenly very clear to me: I didn't deserve to have Isabella Swan's children call me "Father".

My mask returned.

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After she'd fallen asleep I'd gone to seek out Dr. McLean- Bella's doctor- and asked her to please not say anything to her about the baby just yet. I told her I wanted to be the one to do it. And I would, I had to. She'd been reluctant at first stating that the faster she was informed the sooner she would begin to heal. I lied through my teeth. I said I understood but that she had to understand that I had a right to tell her first, I was her support system.

She gave in. I went back to Bella but I kept my hand to myself. She would be asleep for a while longer, possibly until the next day. She was still healing and wearing off the drugs.

I heard a knock on the door and turned to find Alice, pink roses, balloons and a little stuffed lamb in hand, coming into the room. My family always said Bella was soft and sweet as a lamb. Me, they related to a lion. They said it was because of my impossible to tame mane, but I could see a scarier resemblance now. Lions could be deadly if you got too close.

There was still a small hint of pity in her eyes. The relief she felt though, far outweighed it.

"How is she?" She asked, setting her presents down on the little bedside table.

"She woke up." My voice sounded dead.

"She did? That's great!"

"Yes."

We were quiet for a long time. Me watching Bella, Alice watching me.

"Edward," she said suddenly "where'd you get those clothes?"

"I had them in my locker." I hadn't left the hospital at all in the last three days. I alternated my time between being next to Bella during visiting hours and sneaking around to be next to her once they ended.

"Do you think she's going to wake up soon?"

"I don't think so, she's still drugged up. She was awake for a long time too, so she'll need to rest up."

"Ah." She sounded like she wanted to add to that.

"What is it, Alice?" I wasn't in the mood for little word games.

"Edward, don't get mad at me, okay? But you look a mess. You obviously haven't showered, your clothes are completely wrinkled and I would bet anything that you haven't eaten anything in the last three days."

She was right about everything. She usually was.

I didn't want to leave Bella here alone though.

"She's sleeping Edward and from what you said she'll be sleeping for a while. You should go home, take a shower, change your clothes and eat something. You should sleep too. She would hate to hear you've been suffering by her side. If you want, we could get her some clothes. Actually, that's a good idea, we definitely have to, I doubt she'd let me just _buy_ her some new outfits for when she leaves the hospital. What do you say? I can take you there and bring you back; you won't miss her waking up."

"I don't know Alice; I know I should, these clothes stink. I've had to hide in the bathrooms in order to sneak in here without being caught at night. So I definitely could use the shower…but..." Just the thought of leaving her, even for the most basic and necessary needs seemed…wrong.

"I'm not taking "No" for an answer, Edward. My eyes are starting to water from the stench."

"Mine, too." They were.

"So let's go then, the sooner we leave, the sooner we'll get back." She pointed out.

That convinced me. "Okay." I leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Bella's forehead. "Goodbye, love. I'll go get pretty for you, okay? I'll be back before you know it. I love you; please don't wake up until I come back." I whispered in her ear, just loud enough for only her to hear.

We left the hospital, not without a few glances in my direction. I would shower before I ate.

When we were in front of my apartment door I realized I didn't have a key. Ooh, great planning on our part. Well, I could stink for another day. Alice had other plans however; she produced my keychain from her purse. The hospital gave them our stuff, she kept them in her purse.

She turned the lock and pushed the door open. It felt strange entering this house without Bella, she was its other inhabitant. She was the other 50% of the population. I walked in with my head down.

I didn't remember until it was too late. I came to when I heard Alice's strangled gasp. I looked up. Thousands of flowers and candles of all type were adorning the living room, making a little path to our bed, to the ring. Alice followed it.

I couldn't move. Again I was crippled by pain. What seemed so romantic before, now felt like the scene of a crime. Like my personal hell.

Alice came out of the room holding a dying red rose.

"Edward, were you proposing?"

* * *

**Ah, Edward. Did he react like you expected?**

**Next chapter could very much be up later today. It's 6:21 am right now (Yes, I'm a night owl- lol.) and I have the whole afternoon to write. Just to give you a little heads up, two or three chapters from this one you WILL want to kill me. :)**

**Please review or flame.**

**Have a great Sunday.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello, hello, hola, hola. I know, two chapters in one day. I'm sorry that Edward's answer made everyone sad. The Edward in this story is much more moronic than the one in the books. He's hurting, though, he really is.**

**Thank you's go to Edward's-a-beefcake, HisInnocentDarkAngel and sweetmahogany for taking the time to review. None of them could believe Edward's actions. Could you? Further thank you's go to MyNameisnotYou who has favorited the story. canuckrn, cmm1605, fidens, jaime2891, Lanea Namara, twilightorchid25, Wish-Eleven and ZomgWow thank you all for alerting the story. It'd be great to hear from you.**

**This chapter is Edward dealing with his actions and emotions. **

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Plans and Confessions

Though the answer was obvious in her hands she was still waiting for my confirmation.

I couldn't give it. I was still rooted to the spot; the scent from the flowers and candles was intoxicating. It felt like poison. It permeated my every cell and held me in a vice grip. It wasn't letting go and I wasn't fighting it. I was letting it slowly consume me.

Alice came closer. "Edward? Oh my God, I had no idea. I'm so sorry." She sounded close to tears. I looked up at her in time to see them fall.

It upset me, the fact that she could cry and I couldn't upset me. The fact that she still worried and cared about me unsettled me. The result of my poor choices lay untouched in front of me, taunting me, mocking me. I had been so close to having all I wanted and more. And I, myself had made so completely sure to destroy any chance of that happening it was hard to believe it had been accidental. It was almost as if I'd planned it. As if I'd stop at nothing to make sure it happened: the wrecking of my life.

Anger so intense I couldn't see how it fit inside me, took over. I walked up slowly to the first arrangement I could find. I lifted the vase up with my good hand. It was thick glass; I couldn't break it with only one weak hand. So I did the next best thing. I whipped around much faster than I would've thought possible for someone in my condition and sent the vase flying against the wall. It slammed and broke into a thousand little pieces that fell to the floor and mixed with the flowers. There they lay, pathetic and broken. Unfixable. Irreparable. That was me, that was what I'd managed to become: a broken mess that wasn't worth fixing.

I didn't feel relieved. One vase wasn't enough. My contained anger spilled over.

"Fuck!" I had never sworn in front of Alice. To say she was scared would be an understatement. Was she afraid I would hurt her? I wouldn't, I had hurt too many people already. No matter how angry I got, I wouldn't take it out on her. Still, her fear didn't stop me. Vase after vase smashed against the walls and floor. I slammed, kicked and screamed them into vanishing. I was enraged and it wasn't over. I went into our bedroom and started all over again. I was careful to keep my eyes off the bed. I was still angry and I knew that if and when I laid eyes on that picture of us I would be defeated.

I ran out of things to break. My chest was heaving and my hand was bleeding. My body hurt from exertion. I was so lost, I knew I could break and slam and scream all I wanted but it wouldn't fix anything. Bella could've been able to forgive the accident, she could've been able to move on from it but she could never forgive my lie. She had asked me straight, she had pleaded with me to tell her the truth and I hadn't. I should have, I so, _so_ should have. I wish I had. How was I going to fix things now? What would I say? How could I take away the only happiness she had left? I had condemned us both. We wouldn't survive.

My eyes wandered to the bed and suddenly I couldn't stay in this room anymore. I couldn't break anything else, it was no good. I walked past Alice in the living room, she was still clutching the rose, her expression was torn, she didn't know what to say, what to do, how to help. I went to the guest bedroom and entered slowly with my head down. I had been defeated.

I went to sit on the bed and something white caught my eye. I focused my stare and saw two things. The two things that sent me over the edge: a home pregnancy test with a positive sign and a onesie. I picked up the tiny piece of clothing and brought it closer to me. There, in the middle of the chest were words in beige writing:

"Baby Cullen"

I clutched it tighter and a sob escaped me. Alice came in. She saw what I was looking at and her expression pained even more. I opened my hand to hold it in my palm. I had ruined it; the soft white had been marred with red. My vision blurred and my legs shook. I tried to fight it, I tried to compose myself but try as I might my mask couldn't come back. It had shattered as soon as I'd seen the words. I would never get it back.

So I gave in, I fell to my knees and sobbed openly. I lost all sense of control I had ever possessed. I was left broken and vulnerable. My cries intensified and I wailed. I felt Alice's tentative pats on my back. She didn't know how I would react to her touch, she was being careful. I kept my head down and spoke through the lump in my throat. I aimed my words at the ruined fabric in my hand.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry about how things turned out. I never should've done what I did. I panicked, I wanted to surprise her. I didn't know about you, I guess she wanted to surprise me too. I didn't let it happen. I ended your existence." I was sobbing so hard the words were coming out in gasps. "It's my fault and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I killed you, my baby." I couldn't continue talking; I was overcome by my own revelation. I'd finally admitted it, I'd finally reacted, all the emotions I had managed to keep at bay since waking up had finally caught up with me. Sorrow, regret, self-loathing and guilt impaired me.

"Edward, it was an accident. You didn't do anything. It's not your fault." Alice was trying to calm me but she was crying hard as well.

"Yes it is, Alice. Of course it's my fault. I'm the one who caused the accident."

Her crying stopped. "What?"

I couldn't keep it in anymore; this was too big, too much for only one person. I had to own up to my guilt, even if I couldn't confess to the right person I had to admit to it.

"I'm the one who caused us to crash. I grabbed the steering and swerved the car. I thought we would make it out the exit okay. I swear to you Alice it wasn't on purpose, I would never hurt her on purpose." My voice was growing a little steadier. This was what I needed. To accept my faults.

"Why, Edward?" She was shocked and confused.

"I was going to propose to her that night. My car was in the shop so she gave me a ride to the hospital. After she dropped me off I called to have all the arrangements sent in. Everything was ready, everything was in place. When she came to pick me up I couldn't wait to get home. She had other plans, however. She wanted to celebrate my residency, she said I deserved to. I insisted on going home but she wouldn't budge. I understood why when I saw all of you. She had gone through so much trouble. She got all of you here. I was side-tracked; my night's plan was forgotten as soon as I heard the word "Surprise". And then I got drunk and I completely forgot about it. It was only when we were two exits away that I remembered it, I didn't want her to recall her proposal with me drunk so I asked her to go someplace else, she didn't want to, she was tired and it was late so everything would be closed. And so I did the only thing I could think of, I tried to force us down the wrong exit, but we were too close, we were going too fast. We didn't make it, we plummeted against the barrier. That piece of junk she called a car was so old it didn't have an airbag. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt so she was thrown against the steering wheel. She tried to protect the baby but she couldn't. She couldn't save it. She-" My sobs renewed.

"Edward it was an accident. You didn't know, she didn't tell you." She wasn't disgusted or repulsed as I'd expect her to be. She wasn't calling me a monster.

"That's still no excuse Alice. Informed or not, drunk or not I shouldn't have veered the car. What the hell was I thinking? I may not have known about the baby but that doesn't justify my actions. It's my fault it died. What kind of Father kills their unborn child?" I was shaking again. She hugged me.

"How do I tell Bella?" I asked in whisper. "How do I tell her that I lied?"

Alice pulled away from me. "What do you mean? What did you lie to her about?"

"When she woke up, she was distressed. She asked me if the baby was okay. She looked so lost Alice, so broken and hurt. I couldn't answer at first and she was seeing through my silence. She started to wither away. I was watching her give up on everything and I couldn't let it happen. So I lied to her. I told her the baby was okay." The look on Alice's face went from appall to anger.

"How could you do that Edward? Didn't you think about how it would affect her when she found out the truth?" She was finally seeing me as the monster I knew I was.

"You have to tell her Edward. What were you thinking? You can't hide this from her, that's just going to hurt her more in the end. Tomorrow morning we'll go back to the hospital and you're going to tell her the truth." Her voice was icy. "Do you hear me?"

She was right. What _had_ I been thinking? "Yes."

"Go take a shower. I'll clean up the apartment. Then we can have dinner and you can go to bed." She was making an effort to see me as the person she'd known me to be before.

"Thank you Alice. For everything."

After I'd showered and eaten I laid down on the couch to rest. Both rooms were haunted with memories. The day's events replayed in my mind. I couldn't sleep.

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Morning came slowly.

We were walking down the halls of the hospital to Bella's room. She would wake up soon, the drugs must've worn off by now.

I was going to talk to her. Even if it killed me I was going to tell her the truth. Like I should have from the very beginning. At the risk of heartbreak I would tell her I lied.

She was stirring when we finally got inside the room. I immediately went to her side and took her hand. Alice stayed by the door. After a few seconds of stretching -and cringing- she awoke.

Her disorientation didn't last long. I rubbed her hand. Her eyes focused on my face and she smiled.

"You're here."

"Of course I am, I couldn't let you wake up alone." She tugged a little on my hand and I realized what she wanted. Our good morning kiss was short but pouring with love.

"Hey Alice. Thank you for coming."

"Don't mention it, Bella. How are you feeling?" The hurt in her voice was poorly disguised.

"Physically, like crap. Emotionally, I couldn't be better." She smiled to prove her point.

This was going to kill her.

"Bella, I need to talk to you." My voice was small.

Alice excused herself.

"I'm so sorry Bella. For everything I put you through. I was so stupid, I was such an idiot." Painful tears started to pool my eyes, my voice was breaking. "I didn't know about the baby, I realize that's no excuse but you have to know how bad I feel. I felt so bad after I found out; I didn't react like I should have."

"I don't understand, Edward." She sounded fearful.

Here goes, the last nail in my coffin. "Yesterday, when we talked I wasn't entirely truthful." I couldn't look her in the eye, I was looking at the floor like the coward I was. "Bella I li-"

"Ms. Swan, you finally woke up." A voice said suddenly. I turned around to see Dr. McLean approaching the bed. Bella looked completely confused.

"My name is Dr. McLean. I'm in charge of you. Do you remember how you got here?" Bella nodded. "Well you were very lucky. I know it may not seem that way right now, accidents are a horrible thing, especially one with such devastating consequences. But under the circumstances you were extremely blessed. Both of you were. A miscarriage is a hard thing to get over, both physically and emotionally. Your body will need two to three months to heal from it completely but we have a Psychologist in staff if you feel the need to talk to someone about it. She's dealt with cases like yours before so she'll know how to help you. I do have to warn you though; we don't recommend getting pregnant for at least a year and a half after losing a baby. It's better for both mind and body that way. The rest of your injuries are not serious, as long as you rest and follow directions you'll heal quickly. Do you have any questions for me?"

Bella didn't speak.

* * *

**Oh, he was **_**so**_** close.**

**What will she say? Please feel free to take a guess or even give advice by reviewing.**

**Next chapter will most likely be up by tomorrow night.**

**Have a great night.**


	7. Chapter 7

**People, people. Hello, how are you? Thank you for coming back.**

**Thank you to Edward's-a-beefcake and HisInnocentDarkAngel for reviewing on the last chapter. Thank you to VarietyOfWords and tld417 for alerting it. **

**Special thanks to my sister, whose entertainment choices for the night were either reading this story or sitting through "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" for the billionth time on my account. Since I practically quote every line in every Potter movie, she chose to read the story. She seemed to like it though. **

**This chapter is intense. Very. Also, it's the longest one I've written so far.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Keeping promises

"Ms. Swan?" Dr. McLean insisted after almost a minute of silence. "Ms. Swan, do you have any questions for me?"

"No." Said Bella's low voice. "Thank you."

"Mr. Cullen? Do you have any questions? Concerns?" I just shook my head while keeping my eyes on the floor. I didn't want to see the disappointment in Bella's eyes.

"Alright, then I'll leave you two alone. I'll come back later to check on you Ms. Swan. You're healing up quickly so I think in a day or two you'll be able to go home." She left the room, closing the door behind her.

Neither of us talked, the only noise came from the machines and the muffled chatter outside the room.

I realized I was still clutching her hand and as carefully as possible I let go of it. She was probably too stunned to do it herself and I didn't want to force myself on her. It hurt though; it hurt so much to know that that was probably the last time I would be able to hold her.

More silence.

I still hadn't looked at her. When had I become such a coward? This was my doing, why couldn't I face it? I wasn't a child anymore; I couldn't hide behind masks and half truths my whole life. I should start by apologizing. I knew full well that would never be enough, but it was a start, the right one.

Inhaling bravery I looked up. She wasn't looking at me; she was looking straight ahead, staring into nothing. She wasn't crying, she didn't even have tears forming in her eyes. She didn't look serene, she just looked wrapped up in her own world, in her own mind. It scared me more than the tears would have.

"Bella?" I asked in a whisper that seemed too loud in the quietness of the room.

That brought her back. "I lost the baby." Her statement would've gone unnoticed if I hadn't been watching her lips move.

"Bella." Should I go up to her? Should I try to hold her?

Her next words made me keep my distance.

"You knew." It wasn't a question.

There was no point denying it but I still wished I could have. "Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?" She was scaring me. This was a Bella I had never seen before. Too detached, too far away.

"I'm sorry Bella."

She looked at me then. The far, detached Bella was gone. Her eyes were beginning to display an emotion I couldn't name.

"_You're_ sorry? For what? For lying?" It was anger. That's what was showing in her eyes.

"Bella I-"

"I mean, what was your plan Edward? Stuff a pillow up my shirt and hope I didn't notice?" Her voice was cracking. "I asked you to tell me the truth Edward. I practically begged you, you should have told me. I shouldn't have found out like this." The tears were close.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I know I shouldn't have lied. I should've told you right away, right when you asked. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done, but Bella you looked so lost, so afraid, I could see you beginning to give up, you were starting to die, right there in front of me and I was too selfish to let you. I couldn't tell you, not when you were so broken. I was such a coward, such a miserable being and I'm so sorry. I know nothing I can say will be able to repair what I've done but it was the only thing I could think to do to bring you back." My voice broke. "I just wanted you to be happy, I wasn't thinking. I didn't want you to hurt any more than you already had."

"You did it for me, then? Is that what you're saying? You lied to me because you didn't want me to hurt anymore. How do you think that makes me feel?" She was so angry the tears started falling down her face. "You don't get to be sorry Edward. I won't let you." She was sobbing now.

Her words hurt more than if she'd slapped me on the face.

I didn't know what to do. I had lied to her in order to save her and I had only succeeded in making her go through much more pain than necessary. I had finished breaking her. I stood up, unsure of what my next move was going to be. I wanted to reach forward and hold her in my arms until her crying stopped. I approach her bed tentatively, slowly.

"Bella?" I asked in an ached whisper. She lifted her head to look at me. She was no longer angry, her eyes didn't hold an ounce of anger anymore, they held pain. I went to touch her hand carefully. She was still sobbing hard but she didn't pull away as I'd expected so I decided to push my luck. I went to sit on her bed and started rubbing my hand up and down her arm. She only cried harder. I had to help her. Even if I'd been the one who had gotten her in this state. I shifted closer to her and hugged her. She didn't resist, she didn't push me away, she held me tight and sobbed into my shoulder for a long time.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, you have no idea how guilty I feel. About everything. The accident, the baby, lying to you. It's all my fault. I ruined everything. I'm so sor-"

"Stop." Her voice was a little stronger now that the sobs were subsiding.

"But you have to know that I didn't do it on purpose, it wasn't my intention to fuck everything up."

"Please stop." She was starting to get angry again.

"No Bella, I need you to understand why I did what I did. I didn't know you were pregnant or I never would've caused the accident. I never should have in the first place but I had plans for that night. And they did not include ruining our lives."

"Edward, I'm begging you. Stop talking."

I didn't listen, she had to know how guilty I felt. "I was so happy that night Bella. Everything was perfect and then I had to go and murder our chi-"

She pulled away from like as if I'd burned her. "Just stop, stop and shut the _fuck_ up. It doesn't help anything for you to tell me you feel guilty, Edward. The baby's still dead. I don't want you to be sorry. Look at us. Have you seen where we are? Have you seen _how_ we are? We could've died, Edward. We both could've died and part of us did. How can you look at me and tell me you're sorry? I don't want your tears, I don't want your apologies, I don't want your guilt and I don't want your touch because I don't deserve any of that."

She was right, she deserved much more than that. She deserved to be happy again and she could no longer be so with me. It would be too painful, too much for her to handle my constant presence. She needed to heal and start again. I had to let her go.

"I'm sorry, Edward." She sounded ashamed. "You don't deserve apologies either but I-"

I cut her off. "Bella I completely understand and you're right. I finally understood, what I did was too big, irreparable. But I'll make it better, I swear. I'll make sure never to do it again." It killed me to say it but I did because I had to. Because that's what you did for the people you loved, you sacrificed your happiness for their own. "I'll move out." _And I'll leave my heart with you._

"What?" She looked genuinely confused. "Why?"

"Because we can't be happy anymore Bella. We'll never move on from this. It's too big. The blame and the guilt will always be there. I have to put distance between us so we can heal."

"Is that what you want? For us to break up?"

"It's what's best."

She was fighting hard not to let the sadness out. That would be the last time I would make her sad. She wouldn't shed any more tears over me.

"The apartment is yours. I'll be the one moving out." She said in a barely controlled voice.

"You don't have to do that. I can find another place."

"So can I." Her eyes, red and puffy from the previous tears shed, were watering again. "I'll send for my stuff as soon as possible." A single tear fell and I had to fight the urge to wipe it.

Years of commitment and love and happiness over in less than 10 minutes. We were each other's first and only everything. We had a perfect, happy life ahead of us. And now it was gone, never to return.

I couldn't cry in front of her, I couldn't let my last memory of her be blurry. I had to see her as she was now, hurting and bruising so I wouldn't go back to her begging for forgiveness again. I had to remember why I'd decided to carve my heart out and stomp on it so I wouldn't hurt her again. So she would be happy again.

I stood up and turned to face her. I wanted to lean forward and crush my lips to hers. Pouring every ounce of the love I had for her in it but I didn't. Instead I ran my index finger down the side of her face slowly. Her breath hitched. She looked like she wanted to say something. I couldn't give her the chance to change my mind. One word from her and I would. At the smallest hint of hesitation I would talk myself into staying.

So I spoke before she did. "Goodbye Bella. I promise I'll stay away from you." With that I turned around and left the room that held my entire reason for being behind.

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It had been a month since I had walked out on Bella.

She had sent for her stuff a week later. I didn't ask where they were going to take them. I had to keep my promise.

It hurt though, every day was a struggle just to get by. I had secretly hoped for her to come back. For our separation to be too hard for her and for her to come to me. To tell me we could work everything out, that I was being an idiot and that we could be together. I waited for that call everyday, at every hour. But it never came.

I had done nothing. I'd just stayed home looking at the phone. My family was worried. Only Alice knew why Bella and I had broken up so she didn't push the subject. The rest however tried to coax me into talking to her, they told me we were meant to be together. That I was dying without her and she was probably the same without me. They told me I was just hurting her. That one stung. I was looking for just the opposite with this.

There was a knock on my door. I didn't move. Another knock. Still I didn't move. Keys rattled and after the door opened in walked Alice, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie. They came over two or three times a week to check up on me.

"Hello Edward. We brought you food. Go wash your hands and we can start eating."

I didn't respond.

"Edward, please go wash your hands so we can eat the food we brought you."

Nothing.

"Edward, God dammit, man. You could at least say thanks. We're trying hard, but you're making it fucking impossible for everyone to be around you. You're so miserable. You haven't done anything since she left. You have to get over this. Find an escape. Either go get her or move on, bro. But you can't keep this up. It's not healthy. You're killing yourself." Emmett ranted.

I got up from the couch and took the phone with me. I locked myself in the bathroom.

He was right I had to find an escape. I had to find a way to stop the torture, the struggle. I had to talk to her. I had to tell her how I felt, I had to have her forgive me and come back.

I dialed the number I knew by heart. Anxious to get my life back. I didn't care what I had promised, I couldn't live without her, I never could. I loved her too much; she was everything I needed to be happy. I had to get her back.

Straight to voicemail.

She must've known I would eventually crack. She didn't even want to deal with if she wanted to take my call or not. I wasn't a choice for her anymore. She was doing what I wanted for her; she was getting better without me. And here I was trying to ruin it yet again. I shouldn't have called. I should never have called. I should just hang up and continue to wither away in my pathetic existence. But then I heard her voice. The voice I longed for every night, the voice I imagined every moment. She was telling me to leave a message and she would get back to me.

And so I did. I knew I shouldn't have. How was this staying away from her? But I still did.

"Hey Bella, it's me. Edward. I'm sorry I'm calling you I know I said I wouldn't but I just, I just wanted to know how you were. Did you get your cast off yet? I did. I hope you're okay Bella. I really do. I hope you're happy wherever you are. I hope you're surrounded by everything you love most. Books and heat. I hope you're in a beach reading a book. That was you're number one fantasy. I'm so sorry Bella. I know you don't want to hear this but I am. I'm sorry I finished us. I'm sorry for all my mistakes. I didn't get a chance to tell you this but I was proposing to you that night Bella. The night of the accident? That's why I tried to force us down the wrong exit; I couldn't propose to you how I was. You deserved better. I had a ring and everything. I think you would've liked it. I still have it, I carry it in my pocket. I also kept the onesie. I bled on it so I had to wash it, but it still looks good. That would've been a nice surprise." My voice was breaking badly. "I would've never imagined we would end up like this. So far away from everything we hoped we would have.

I was breaking down. My resolve was leaving me. I gave in.

"Please come back, Bella. Please. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I'm weak and pathetic and I can't even keep a promise but I don't know how to function without you. I don't know how to begin. I've just been sitting on the couch for the last month, waiting for your call. And you haven't called and I can't understand why. Were you waiting for mine? Did you not want to talk to me? Oh God, is that it? Did you not want to hear from me again? If that's it then, then I can't begrudge you for that. I'm the one who left, I couldn't expect you to wait for me. I shouldn't have called you, I'm sorry.

I kept making mistake after mistake.

"I'll make you another promise. And I swear I'll keep this one. I won't bother you again. Ever again. You won't hear from me after this call. Not one word, you'll be able to pretend I don't exist, because I won't. Not to you. So I guess this is goodbye. It would've been nice to talk to you one last time but maybe it's better this way.

The machine cut off but I kept going.

"It sucks that I couldn't say this to you in person. I wanted to, I tried but I messed up. I should've told you the truth, I shouldn't have left you. In the hospital no less, after a miscarriage I provoked. I'm so sorry, I know that's not enough but I am. I feel so worthless. I managed to mangle us beyond recognition. But you need to know I didn't mean to. None of it. Do you think you could ever forgive me?

I waited. There was just silence.

"No I don't think you ever could. I don't think you ever should. I don't deserve you Bella. I may have in the beginning but I most definitely didn't in the end. I understand why you haven't called now. I really do and I don't blame you. I just wish I could move on. Forget it all happened, forget it's my own fault I'm miserable. I wish I could let go of everything. I wish I could've seen you one last time. But no, that's not fair to you, and I don't want to be unfair to you anymore. I have to stop being selfish. I have to stop waiting for you to come back. You're gone, you're gone and you're not coming back. And I have to deal with that. It's hard, it's really hard. I left my heart with you Bella, it was broken and haunted but it was mine and I left it with you. Are you taking care of it? It's okay if you're not. You have your own to look after.

My eyes wandered around the room. I froze.

"I'm gonna go now. I just found the answer I was looking for. The one that'll let me move on, forget it all happened? Remember I told you that? But don't worry because this answer will help me keep my promise, you won't hear from me again after tonight. But because you won't I just want to say one last time: I love you Bella, I love you so, so much. I always have, I always will. Even in Hell. Please take care of yourself, okay? Don't let anyone else hurt you. I'm happy I knew you."

I ended the call that had been over for long and placed the phone down.

It was harder than I thought it would be, letting go of everything. But I had to do this for her. I had to keep my word. I smiled a little smile as I thought of how I would keep my promise, this one I would keep. I wouldn't relapse ever again.

Slowly I picked up the blade and brought it to my throat.

* * *

**For those of you who read these things. You were warned two chapters ago, remember?**

**What if I told you that was the end? What if I told you I didn't know when I would update? What if I told you I was holding out until I got a certain amount of reviews? 'Cause overnight I turned into an ungrateful, bitchy person?**

**Then you'd be very disappointed, wouldn't you? :( Oh, alright. You've convinced me. **

**Next chapter will be up later today or tomorrow at the latest. I've been having computer issues and I don't want to set anything in stone. And no, I'm not holding out for a certain amount of reviews to update, two of you deserve better than that. But it would be nice to hear from all of you.**

**Feel free to get together and plot my death... Have a great day.**


	8. Chapter 8

**People!!! So nice of you to come back.**

**Thank you's are for Edward's-a-beefcake, HisInnocentDarkAngel and gg2full who took the time to review. You take the time to review, I take the time to thank you. Compromise. gg2full, thank you do much for favoriting the story. Means a lot.**

**Also thanks to fantasticalawaits and ClosetRomantique who have alerted it.**

**This chapter ends Edward's pain.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Letting go

It hurt. Tears stung my eyes.

The pain was immense, just knowing I was letting her go. Letting everything we had ever had just vanish was crumbling my will and I nearly stopped. But I couldn't stop now. I had to keep going, I had to do this for her.

It was a hard job to finish but I did. I set the blade back down and stared at myself in the mirror. There was no going back now. My sobs started.

There was a knock on the door.

I couldn't move.

"Edward, are you ready? Everything's set, come out." Rosalie said through the door.

She waited but I didn't respond.

The lock rattled. "Edward? Are you alright? Open the door." Alice's voice said.

Nothing.

"Edward please open the door. You're scaring us." Their voices were beginning to hitch.

There was pounding on the door. "Edward, what the hell are you doing in there? Open the damn door. I'm going to give you 'til the count of three, then I'm breaking the door down and I warn you, I won't pay for repairs." Trust Emmett to make comments like that one to ease a sense of panic.

I didn't want them to come in. I didn't want them to see me like this because they would never forget the sight that I was. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't move for sobbing so hard. I fell to my knees.

They would come in, a door couldn't stop them.

"One," Came Emmett's warning. "two" he continued.

_Three._ I added mentally.

"Stand back." Jasper said.

There was the sound of feet moving and a few seconds later a body slammed against my door. It separated from the hinges and broke. Splinters went everywhere.

They took a look inside and gasped.

"Oh my God, Edward." Alice's voice sounded shocked.

They neared me carefully. Hesitantly. Like a zookeeper approaches a scared animal. Like I would snap at any moment.

"You shaved."

I was still crying. I was ashamed to be so weak and pathetic in front of my family. I felt like a little boy who didn't know the way back home.

"Edward. Why don't you stand up? Get out of here? Come on, let's go out to eat."

I just sobbed pitiable.

"She didn't pick up. I called her and she didn't pick up. It went straight to voicemail. I know I shouldn't have called her but I'm glad I did. It wasn't closure but it was the beginning of it. She's not coming back. I hurt her too much. So I owe more than what I've done for the past month. You can't tell her I just waited for her call everyday; you can't tell her I stopped living since she sent for her stuff. You can't tell her I'm dying without her because it's not fair to her. I pushed her away and I can't have her back. I don't deserve to have her back. You can't tell her I didn't shave because I couldn't stand to look myself in the mirror. You can't tell her I chose to give up; you can't tell her I didn't fight. She can't have me on her mind like I have her on mine. She has the right to heal, to start over, so you can't tell her I'll always wait for her. Please don't tell her I still wish her goodnight before I fall asleep, please don't tell her I've only dreamt of her every night. Of the night we conceived. I remember every detail. Every single one, from the way we were dressed to the way we ended up. Please don't tell her that's the part I look forward to the most: dreaming of her."

I looked up to their faces and saw them all with tears in their eyes.

"Please, please don't tell her I still love her. That I always will. Please." I couldn't go on. The lump that was stuck in my throat was hurting too badly to keep talking. So I gave into my sobbing instead. I cried harder than anyone but Alice had ever witnessed me do. A little part of her left me with each sob, I couldn't think of her anymore. I couldn't hold on to her anymore, I had to let her go in order not to be tempted to disturb her ever again.

Emmett grasped me in a hug so tight the sobs that had shaken my body violently before were barely noticeable now. "You're not alone Edward. You have all of us here for you. You did the right thing, you can't give in. She wouldn't want you to. I know you love her Edward, I know you do. I don't understand why you say things are irreparable; you should fight for her, get her back. I'll help you look for her anytime you want. But I cannot and will not let you give up on yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you and I can't watch you throw it away. If you can't get her back then you have to let her go. You can't go on like this. I won't let you die, brother. I love you too much to let that happen."

Never in my life had my big brother said those words to me. I always knew he felt them of course, but I'd never heard them spoken aloud.

"Come on, let's go eat, I'm starving." I appreciated his attempt at distraction. "Want to go out?" He asked everyone, we all nodded. I couldn't stay here, all the memories would take over.

"All right let's go, my treat. But Eddie, before we go, you have to shower man, you stink and they won't let us in anywhere with your smell." I nodded. They started leaving the room. "About the door Eddie, don't worry." Would he offer to pay for repairs, or repair it himself? "You have a shower curtain and that's enough privacy. We'll just close our eyes when you get out, alright?" He smiled a cheeky grin. The rest snickered quietly.

I had a good time. I didn't participate much in the conversation, just answering direct questions, but it was still nice to hear them talk. To know they still wanted to include me. They were nice enough not to mention my little episode. They weren't even given me surreptitious glances, they were happy I wasn't moping anymore.

When they brought me back they asked me if I wanted them to stay, I thanked them but declined. I was an adult and had to start acting like one. I had to let go and that included doing one thing I'd avoided so far.

I slowly walked through the living room and hall without turning on the lights until I reached my bedroom. It was mine now, not ours, mine. I walked up to the bedside table and turned on the little lamp. I pulled the little garment out and ran my fingers over the words. I fought against myself to just set it back down. Not to look at it a moment longer, but I couldn't. This would be the last time I would allow myself near it, I wouldn't touch it, I wouldn't look for it and I would try my hardest not to think about it. Still, it didn't matter. My mind didn't ask for permission as it registered every single detail in it. The letters: the color, the style, the shape, the width, the height. How they would've nestled right between the baby's chest like a superhero's attire. The smile on everyone's faces as they read them for the first time. I focused on the rest of it: how the soft white contrasted perfectly against the beige, almost topaz of the writing. How it would've been perfectly neutral for either a boy or a girl.

I tried not to go down that road but I gave in. This would be the last time I allowed myself to think of what I'd lost. I would've loved a little girl, most men want a son for their firstborn and that would've been amazing too. But the idea of a tiny, little baby girl filling the teeny onesie in my hands was absolute perfection. A tiny little Bella, a tiny replica of her that I could hold in my arms and change and feed and raise to be just like her Mother. That would've been my heaven.

I set it on the bed and went to take out a little box. I folded the unused baby clothing and then opened the box. I said a little prayer, asked for its forgiveness again and hoped for it to be well wherever it was. I prayed for it to become a little angel and look after my family and Bella. I didn't include myself. I brought it slowly to my lips and then set it inside with the message staring up at me. I went to touch the letters again. "I'm so sorry I didn't get to meet you. I would've loved you so much, so would have your Mother. I'm sorry I kept you from knowing her. Please take care of her, look after her and keep her safe. I love you, I don't know if I'm allowed to say that but I do. I love you for what you would've been and what you became. You would've been my heaven but you became my little angel. Please forgive me. I love you. Goodbye." I closed the box and vowed out of respect never to take it out again. It had been my baby's little burial, attended only by its executioner.

I stood up and took the little coffin with me. It felt incredibly heavy. Laden with guilt. I took the much smaller, black suede box lying on top of the dresser and got on my knees. I opened the last drawer, the drawer that held all the clothes I no longer wore because Bella liked to sleep in them. She said they were much more comfortable than her own pajamas. Her scent was still in them: freesias and strawberries. I ran a finger over the ones on top. I resisted the urge to pick them up and instead I lifted the bottom corner of the stack on the right. I put the makeshift coffin underneath it and let all the clothes cover it. I would let it rest in peace.

I pulled the ring out of my pocket and placed it in between the velvet. It stood with poise in the middle. It was beautiful, simple but elegant. It reminded me of her: a timeless beauty. I couldn't say anything to it, everything I had wanted to say to Bella I'd already left as a message. I couldn't do this to her, I couldn't collapse now.

I whispered a quiet "I love you" that I hoped would somehow make its way to her and closed the lid. I placed the box in the middle of the pile, right on top.

All my dreams, all my hopes, all my fantasies and expectations. All my wishes and unfulfilled promises surrounded it. I would keep nothing.

I closed the drawer shut. There, I had let go.

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"Dr. Cullen?"

I groaned inside. I had just finished a 34- hour shift in the E.R. at the Northwest Hospital and Medical Center in Seattle. After everything that happened I figured the best way to improve was to start over. A clean break. So I left the Virginia Mason Hospital, where I was working at before, since that had been where everything had gone downhill. It was too much, I needed to be someplace people didn't constantly question my well-being. I needed to be someplace where I wasn't cause for concern.

So I asked to be transferred here. To the Northwest Hospital. It worked out; people didn't know me before so they couldn't compare me to how I used to be over two years ago. To them the somber, detached, polite Dr. Cullen was who I'd always been. They didn't know how or why I'd changed.

Two years and four months since the call. That's how long it's been. That's how long I've tried not to think of her. Of course I've slipped sometimes. The first few months were bad, but I hadn't given up. I had immersed myself in my job. Working and learning as much as possible to avoid errant thoughts.

Rosalie and Alice had helped me incredibly. They'd completely redecorated my apartment. Despite knowing the best thing for me would be to just move out I couldn't. I tried not to think about her but I still needed proof of her existence. And if I moved out that wouldn't be possible. They changed everything, from the couch to the china. I let them change everything they wanted but two things: the bed and the dresser.

We had shared ourselves entirely in that bed. I couldn't replace it. And the dresser, well the dresser held the proof of my past life. That I had once been happy. More than happy. It was also filled with memories and mementos that couldn't be disturbed.

They'd insisted but I wouldn't budge and since I wasn't waiting by the phone and was still shaving they let it go.

I turned around and saw Dr. Collins. Of course it was freaking Dr. Collins. Who else would find something else for you to do at the end of a 34-hour shift right when you were about to go to the lockers to clean up?

I sighed. "Yes, Dr. Collins?"

"Were you leaving Dr. Cullen?"

He was very observant. "Yes, actually. I was just about to go change."

"Can you do me a favor? Can you take over a patient?" I knew it would be something like this. He delegated all the cases he didn't want to deal with to those under him. "It's really simple. Broken leg. I would do it myself but I have a meeting with Dr. Reynolds. I'm already running late."

Meeting with Reynolds, my ass. That was always his excuse for getting out of things. "Dr. Collins actually-"

"Please, I promise I'll make it up to you later somehow. I really have to get going though, thank you." With that he turned around and left.

Chubby little bastard.

I trudged my way back to the elevators to get to the third floor where breaks were treated. Once in there I went to the little nurse's station. I had to get the patient's file and find out which room they were in.

I was annoyed, I could be heading home right now but no. I had to stay here and hear someone cry about how much everything hurts. They didn't really know what pain was.

"Hey Mrs. Fields. I'm here to take over Dr. Collins' patient."

"Meeting with Reynolds?"

"Yes." Everyone knew about his scheme.

"Well, I don't actually have the file because the poor thing was so pale and sweaty we took it out to see if she was allergic to anything. Turns out she's just squeamish about blood. There wasn't even that much but you know how people are. She's in room 3327 with Nurse Phillips, she needed a cold cloth."

"Oh, okay."

I made my way to the end of the hall and could hear someone being asked if they were feeling better.

"A little." Said a muffled, tiny voice.

I finally entered the room and stopped dead in my tracks.

"Ah, Dr. Cullen. Is she your patient? I thought she was seeing Dr. Collins. Maybe I confused you, your names are similar."

I barely heard her.

There, five feet away from me lay a very pale, very sweaty now 25 year old with long brown hair, which had hints of red in just the right light.

Her head snapped up as soon as she heard my name leave the nurse's mouth and I was met with the same deep chocolate brown eyes that I had thought of so often but hadn't seen in two years and five months.

"Edward?" Fell quietly from her lips.

"Bella."

She lost consciousness.

* * *

**Were any of you expecting that? Any of that? Well, when you say blade and throat in the same sentence...**

**I will do my utmost to have the next chapter up by tomorrow night. I'm having major, major computer issues so I don't know if I'll be able. If not, then by Thursday afternoon it should be up.**

**Speaking of Thursday, any of you planning on catching the Deleted Scene in Access Hollywood (Not mine, either)? It's the famous "Want a taste?" Kristen talked about and let me tell you, it looks HOT. **

**Please review, comment, flame or advice.**

**Have a great day.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey you, yes you, thanks coming back.**

**Many thanks to Edward's-a-beefcake and HisInnocentDarkAngel who reviewed on the last chapter. How did the rest of you like it?**

**This chapter, well, I like it. It ends in very true Edward fashion. Impulsive, anyone? Please read through it and don't just go to the bottom. Lol.**

**You guys wanna hear a little funny story? So I was in Nutrition class and we're studying proteins and the Professor kept going on about how protein chains could make your eyes change color. And this girl says "Wait, how can, like,they make your eyes change color?" and I was like "Well, maybe they're vegetarians." And then I laughed my ass off. You don't have to though. I know it's much more idiotic than funny.**

**Anyway.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Catching up

As her body started falling my own started moving forward. I caught her before her head hit the pillow.

This was surreal. Over two years of missing her and all of a sudden I had her in my arms. No warning, no preambles. I just quite literally stumbled back into her life.

"My, Dr. Cullen, your good looks knocked the breath right out of her." Nurse Phillips laughed.

I rolled my eyes. She reminded me of Emmett sometimes. It's a good thing they haven't met.

I just kept gazing at her. She hadn't changed one bit. Everything was exactly as I remembered it. Well, when you spend your whole life engraving something in your memory, two years of not seeing it won't make a difference. Especially if you fight against yourself not to forget it.

She was so soft. Her skin, paler than usual due to the fainting and with little dews of cold sweat adorning her forehead, felt like butter underneath my exploratory fingers. I moved my hand up and ran it through her hair. Chocolate brown, just like her eyes. With a smell of strawberries, her favorite shampoo. I leaned in to prove it. Her smell filled me completely, it dazed me. I moved my gaze to the rest of her face, taking in its heart-shaped outline, her small nose and cheeks. I reacquainted myself with all her features, they had all stayed the same. They were all still what I needed to start living again. I left her mouth for last. I wanted to lean down and kiss her. To be the prince waking her up from a deep slumber. To be the one giving her a happily ever after. I ran my thumb over it slowly.

"Dr. Cullen." I heard someone say in the background. "Are you going to help her?"

I was so enthralled by her that I actually forgot she had fainted. I was just cradling her in my arms, taking all of her in again. Feeling complete again.

"Yes, um, could you get me some cotton and alcohol?"

"I already put it next to you. Are you okay, do you want me to do it myself?"

"NO!" I yelled before registering what I was doing. "No, thank you. I've got it from here."

She looked at me, then down at Bella and smiled before turning around and exiting the room.

One-handed I reached for the alcohol bottle and unscrewed it with my mouth. It was tricky, but I'd rather spill it all over myself than let go of her. At least when she, herself couldn't tell me to.

I poured a little on the cotton balls lying on the bed and picked them up slowly. I didn't want to let go of her. An unconscious Bella lying in my arms was far better than a conscious one cringing away from me. I started moving the little ball underneath her nose. After a few seconds she started stirring.

I went to put her down, inhaling her scent again as I did. I didn't want to let her go, but I knew I had to. I felt empty again.

Her eyes started opening. I took a step back. I didn't want to crowd her.

Her eyes finally opened and she started taking in her surrounding. Her face settled on mine, disbelief written plainly on it. She was just as surprised by my being here as I had been by hers. I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to her?

"Edward." Her voice wasn't strong yet. "What are you doing here?" She didn't sound angry, she sounded incredulous.

It still hurt, though. "Do you want me to get someone else?" I hoped she wasn't aware of the pain in my voice.

"No. I meant what are you doing in this hospital?"

"Oh. I transferred."

"Oh, I didn't know that." She had made that quite obvious by passing out at the mere sight of me. Her face went to look another way, anywhere but at me. I was transfixed, acutely aware of her every move.

Silence befell us.

I cleared my throat. "So, what's new?"

"Broken leg." Damn. First I make her pass out, then I forget to help her because I was busy staring at her like an idiot and to finish everything off I forget the single reason she came here in the first place. I should have my license revoked.

"Oh, right." I got a little closer as I forced myself to perform a medical inspection of her leg. And her leg only. She was wearing a knee-length skirt I had never seen her in before. That was good, if indeed her leg was broken, the grazing of the fabric would've only hurt her if she had been wearing pants. I took a look at the leg lying on the bed, for the first time since entering the room. I had only been aware of her face and hair before. It was most definitely broken. Not "surgery required" broken, but broken nonetheless. She would need to be in a cast for at least a month and she needed to rest the leg for a week or two before healing completely.

"What happened?" She was never the most gracious person when it came to walking. Or running.

Her answer however was as unexpected as her reappearance. "A door fell on me."

What? Did she mean she _ran into_ a door? I opened my mouth to ask her.

"And no, I don't mean I ran into a door. I mean a door fell on me." How had she known that's what I was going to say?

"How?"

"It's stupid."

"I still wa- need to know. For medical purposes." How does a person get a door fall on them? I wanted to know that but I also wanted to know how serious it had been. Had it fallen on her head? Is that why she'd fainted? Brain damage? Would she need a CAT Scan or an MRI, had she broken anything else? Did she have any internal bleeding? Would she need surgery after all?

"Well, we" We? We who? "were changing the doors in the apartment 'cause there had been a flood and they started to rot at the bottom. But the doors we got were pure wood, so they were a lot on the heavy side. I told Jacob I wouldn't be able to hold it by myself but he said not to worry, that he would take it from me if I couldn't. When he turned around to get the door off the hinges to put the new one in I stumbled backward because of the weight and tripped on a shoe. I fell to the floor and the door followed. Stupidest accident ever."

I just wanted to know two things: Who the hell was Jacob and where the fuck was he so I could throttle him. I settled for the first one.

"Who's Jacob?" I asked quietly while looking down at her leg. If he was a boyfriend or something I don't think I could've taken it.

"A friend." She said just as quietly.

A friend. That's not that bad. That's almost…good. Except, friends don't let doors smash their friends' legs.

"Oh." I had to get off this subject.

"Do you remember when I was about to turn 17 and two weeks earlier I sprained my ankle?"

"Yes?" She looked confused.

"Well, I always told you it had happened chasing after a mountain lion in a hike." I wanted an excuse that wasn't as pathetic as the truth.

"That's not how it happened?"

"Not exactly. See, I actually sprained it because I was dancing in the bathroom. Emmett and Jasper were in there with me. I started doing this victory dance in the middle of the bathroom and I didn't notice a little puddle of water on the floor, so I slipped."

She looked at me for a moment and then started laughing. I smiled my first genuine smile since I'd seen her last. I felt light.

"It's not over yet. When I slipped I fell to my knees in front of Jasper. Literally begging to be helped. Try topping that as the stupidest accident ever."

"Emmett never said anything."

"Yeah, well, he laughed so hard he peed his pants. I told him if he told you the truth I would tell Rosalie. And Jasper was cool about it. He just laughed but he helped me up. I didn't need to threaten him with anything to make sure he kept his mouth shut."

She was still laughing. I tried to carve this moment in my memory. It felt great to make her happy.

"What were you celebrating?"

That she had officially agreed to be my girlfriend. Despite Emmett's accusations, our relationship had started off as a strong friendship. It took years for us to admit to each other that we wanted something more. "A good grade on a test." I lied quickly.

"Well, I'm surprised you didn't sprain your ankle more often. You've always been a straight A student." Her laughing was quieting.

I got back to the ignored injured leg. I had to fix it. "May I?" I asked looking up at her, asking her permission to touch her.

"Um, sure." She sounded hesitant, like she didn't really know if she wanted me to approach her or not.

I lifted her right leg as carefully as possible. I saw her flinch and heard her gasp a little. I put the leg back down, feeling as empty as before. "Well, it's definitely broken. I still want to take some X-rays though, just to know how bad it is. Also I'd like to run some tests; we don't know what else could've been damaged. You could have all sorts of hidden ailments. Blood clog in the brain from the impact, broken skull, internal organ rupture or perforation. More broken bon-"

"Edward, the door only impacted with my leg. I fell on my butt so it didn't connect with anything else. The only other thing that happened was that I got a cut on my left thigh with the corner of the door because I tried to get up before Jacob got the door off me." She said with a little bemused smile. "That's why fainted. Because of the smell." She added while looking down.

Oh, so that was why. It hadn't been because of me. Well, that was…fine.

"Okay. I still need to get an X-ray, though. You won't get out of that one." She never liked being poked and prodded. She didn't like being cause of concern.

"It was worth a try." She added.

"I'll go get everything ready, then I'll come get you and after that I'll put you in a cast. I'll be right back, ok?" I headed for the door. A thought stroke me. "Bella, does it hurt? Do you need any pain medication?" How could I have not asked her that before? Forget getting my license revoked, I should turn it in myself.

"No, I'm fine." She seemed sincere. I wanted to push it, but decided against it. She could be very stubborn and I didn't want for her to have to wait anymore.

I left and headed for the X-ray room.

"Dr. Cullen." Nurse Phillips said as I was walking away. I turned back to look at her. She was standing next to a tall, russet skinned guy, who looked frantic. She motioned me forward. I went begrudgingly.

"Yes?"

"Dr. Cullen. This man is asking about your patient. Ms. Swan? He wanted to see her but since you were examining her I told him he had to wait."

I turned to look at him. "Edward Cullen. I'm sorry, you are?" I asked extending my hand to shake his.

"Jacob. Jacob Black. How is she? Can I see her?" My hand froze in the middle of the air. He went to shake it anyway.

This was Bella's friend Jacob? The one who almost crushed her with the stupid door? I would let a door fall on him and see how he liked it. I decided to play with him a little. He could stand to suffer a bit.

"I'm sorry, the examination is not done yet. She was severely hurt. I have to run lots of tests. She's in a pretty bad shape." I tried not to smile. I tried not to enjoy it as much as I was.

"Oh, my God. She said it was only her leg. I knew I shouldn't have listened to her. I should've taken her to the Virginia Mason, it was so much closer. Just a few blocks. But she kept saying "No, not there. He's there." So we drove the extra 20 minutes to come over here. Do you think that made a difference?"

All my good humor was gone. She didn't want to see me. She only came here because she thought I wouldn't be here. She preferred to endure 20 extra minutes of pain than chance running into me. It hurt badly.

"- see her?"

I snapped back to the present.

"I'm sorry Jacob, but it's family only." I turned to walk away.

His next words made me stop in my tracks.

"But I'm living with her."

Anger, pain and humiliation flashed through my body. Settling in my very core. Making me unable of proper human functions. She was living with him? How does "a friend" become "living together"? That's not even close. I have lots of friends who don't live with me. Granted, they were all mostly family members but still. She was living with someone else? Had she moved on so fast? I had to find out, even if it would just hurt me more in the end.

It took all my professionalism not to break down in front of him. "How long have you been living with her?" No matter the answer, it would still hurt. But the amount would either soften the blow or exacerbate it.

"Two years."

No, there was no way to recover from this. Two years? She moved in with someone else after only five months of our break up? No wonder she didn't pick up. We spent our whole lives together, how do you just discard that? How can you toss aside years of devotion and love after only five months? I was more than hurt now, I was also pissed. How dare she? How dare she not want to see me after having moved on? How dare she let me walk around with this guilt in this pathetic excuse of an existence and not care what it's done to me? How dare she not pick up my call if she was already happy with someone else? How dare she let me touch her? How dare she laugh in front of me? At my stories? How dare she look at me and smile?

I didn't deserve this. No matter my faults, I didn't deserve this. No one did. Karma really was a bitch.

"Can I see her? Please."

I didn't answer; I just kept walking to the X-ray room, to get everything ready for her.

After her X-ray I took her back to her room.

I was beginning the process of casting her leg. I was mad at myself for still relishing her touch. I shouldn't still pine over her.

She was being quiet. Only sending me glances a few times. I decide to break the silence.

"I met Jacob." I paid close attention to her face but there was nothing out of the ordinary displayed in it. What was I expecting? Guilt? Shame?

"Yeah, he's the one who brought me here."

_After you refused to go where you thought I was._ I added mentally.

"He seems a nice guy." Again, no change.

"He is." How could she be so cavalier?

Well, if she wanted to pretend it's all sun shines and daisies then I would too. "You know, now that we've met again. Maybe we could see each other again."

"I don't know about that Edward." She was starting to look uncomfortable. Well, good. She should.

"I think it would be fun. We could double date." Her eyes went wide. "Not like that. I just meant: You, him, my girlfriend and I." That's right, I lied. There was no way I was admitting to her that I was still waiting for her. That I wanted nothing else than scoop her into my arms and kiss her senseless. To make love to her again. To make her fall in love with me again.

Her reaction took me by surprise. Tears started welling in her eyes.

"You have a girlfriend?" Her whisper was pained.

"Yes, that's actually the reason I transferred here. She works here. It's getting pretty serious too." If she could live with Jacob, then I could be getting serious with my non-existent girlfriend. "So, what do you say? Want to go out just the four of us?"

"Double dates are meant for couples only. You would have to ask Leah to go." Her voice was breaking.

"Who's Leah?"

"Jacob's girlfriend."

No. No, this wasn't true. She was living with him for God's sake.

"I thought you were living with him." Please, please, please tell me I didn't fuck everything up yet again.

"He's my roommate." She was fighting the tears badly. "One of three." She started sobbing and set her head down to wipe a tear from each eye.

Ah, crap.

* * *

**Ah Edward, when will he learn? That's why you ask questions before commenting.**

**I just wanted to point out two things about this chapter: Both accidents are real. When my aunt was 3 years old an old wooden door fell on her. It was much more severe than Bella's. She almost died, poor thing. But she recovered and is now nearing 50, healthy and happy. She doesn't even limp.**

**Next accident was provided to you by yours truly. It happened exactly as Edward says it. Two weeks before my 17th birthday I sprained my ankle while dancing in the bathroom of my school. I slipped on a little puddle and fell to my knees in front of my friend. She was laughing so hard she went to pee, came out, went to wash her hands and THEN she helped me up. But at least she did. I wasn't celebrating a good grade or a new relationship though. I was just dancing, so it's even more pathetic.**

**Mini detail that I also included here. My apartment HAS flooded, but no doors needed replacement.**

**I've decided to share little, inconsequential details just for the heck of it. If you share one of yours I might include it.**

**Also, I don't know if this makes a difference, but Anonymous Reviews are** **accepted.**

**Please review, comment, question, share or flame.**

**Have a nice day.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Good people, yes, I'm back.**

**Thank you very much to bacmel179, Edward's-a-beefcake and HisInnocentDarkAngel for reviewing on the last chapter. Also thanks to vampgurl15 for alerting it.**

**I think you'll like this chapter. :)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Arrangements

I didn't know what to do. She was full out crying now. Still, with her head down she was trying to cover it.

Her shoulders were shaking violently and her teeth went to bite down on her lower lip.

She was crying. And I didn't understand why.

Yes, I knew it must've been because of why I'd said. But still, what difference did it make to her if I had a girlfriend or not? In fact, wouldn't that be expected? So why was she taking it so hard? She couldn't possibly still love me or even want me.

Okay, so the whole situation with Jacob wasn't what I'd feared. She hadn't gotten romantically involved with someone after only five months of breaking up. But the fact remained, she still hadn't picked up nor had she ever called me back. I never once heard from her or about her. She simply vanished. I didn't go looking after her out of respect, but she could've contacted me if she wanted to. She knew where I lived and my phone number. I didn't have those details.

Jacob's words ran amok in my mind "No, not there. He's there." She had no intention of ever seeing me again if she could help it. This, us being together now was a coincidence. Just pure luck.

I had made her smile though. And laugh. She didn't love me anymore but maybe she didn't still hate me. Maybe we had reached some sort of middle ground. Maybe we had come to terms with our separation. Maybe we had moved on.

So why was she crying? Why had she been distressed by my lie, when seconds before she had been almost entirely comfortable in my presence? She had even joked.

_Because she loves you. Because she's waited for you as you've waited for her. Because your words shattered her world as Jacob's had shattered yours._

I wanted desperately to believe my own fallacy.

"Bella?" I extended my hand to lift her head. She looked so broken, so hurt. So much like the last time I'd seen her. "Why are you crying?"

Against myself I started hoping for my previous thoughts to leave her mouth. Just one word from her and I would get on my knees and ask for forgiveness for my idiocy. For the self-induced torture that somehow always affected her too. Just the smallest hint of hope and I wouldn't be able to contain myself. I would make her mine again.

Her eyes, puffy and red went to focus on her cast. Discreetly she shook her head out of my grasp. I felt betrayed; she wasn't supposed to pull away.

"My leg hurts." Her voice was small and broken by her cries. "It hurts so, _so_ bad, Edward." Her sobs re-started.

Was she really talking about her leg? It didn't seem so, but it must have been. I had only imagined the double meaning in her words.

"I'll go get you some pain killers and some water." I started for the door. "Bella?" I waited but she didn't look up. I went on anyway. "Does anything else hurt?" Was it her heart?

My only answer was the folding of her arms against herself while rocking slowly back and forth in an attempt to quiet the sobs. Almost as if she was trying to hold herself together. After the sobs subsided somewhat she went to lie down, with her head away from the door. Away from me.

I left the room slowly and made my way to where the medicine cabinet was, all the while fighting the urge to turn back and help her.

I got her two pain killers. That should be enough to alleviate the pain. The one on her leg, anyway. I turned around and grabbed a little cup to fill it with water. I would have gotten her a bottle but the machine was all the way on the other side of the floor. I didn't want to keep her waiting.

I took the little cup and started filling it at the fountain. He approached me so silently it wasn't until he was next to me that I knew he was there. For someone of such a size he was incredibly sinuous. He started talking before I could register emotion.

"Dr. Cullen, can I please see Ms. Swan? Are you gonna have to operate? Leah's gonna kill me, she told me to wait for Seth to change the doors. But I figured Bella could hold a door for a second. She's tiny, I know, but the door wasn't even that big. It's because she stumbled. She tripped on a shoe. Which is incredible considering she normally doesn't need an object to fall, she can trip on air. She's the clumsiest person you'll ever meet."

She was. Ever since we were kids, that title had only been held by her. So far, she had never been challenged.

"Mr. Black."

"Jacob."

Could I call him by his first name? He may not be Bella's boyfriend but he had made it sound that way and that angered me. He did live with her, though. He had information I wanted, it would be unwise to antagonize him. "Jacob," There was only the smallest amount of venom in my voice. Only I would be aware of it, I was sure. "when we talked earlier you had made it seem like only the two of you lived together. Like you were in a relationship. Why was that?"

"What? Oh well, I wanted to know how she was, but you said family only. I figured "We're living together" was bound to give me more leverage than "I'm one of her three roommates". I didn't think it'd be the wrong thing to say because technically we are, I'll admit, it's in the broadest of senses, but not entirely a lie. It didn't work 'cause you still haven't let me in, but I figured it was worth a shot."

That was almost a rational explanation. It had been a play on words to get a desired outcome only, nothing more. My anger toward him started to dissipate.

"Bella's fine Jacob. She won't need an operation, it was just her leg. She's in a cast, so it'll be about a month a half before she heals completely, but she should make a full recovery. As long as she doesn't apply any pressure on it, she'll be alright."

"She's in a cast? Aw, crap. Leah's gonna have my ba- he coughed- Anyway, she's gonna be pissed, she hates it when Bells gets hurt. She's been through a lot." What did he know? What had she said? She obviously hadn't mentioned my name or he would've made the connection already. I wanted to know.

"Wait, did you already know her?" I was confused by his question. "You called her "Bella", not "Isabella" or "Ms. Swan", she doesn't go by either one of them, but I'm surprised you would know that. She was practically unconscious when I brought her in; she's very weird about blood. She's like a shark, can smell it from miles, but unlike sharks she's not attracted, she's repulsed. So I doubt she would've corrected you in such a state. Which leads me to believe that you two knew each other, did you?" I hadn't realized I'd called her "Bella". It had been automatic. Second nature.

There was no point in lying. I planned to get as much information about her from the last two years as possible; it would've been highly suspicious if I asked personal questions about someone I claimed not to know. "Yes, we knew each other before."

"From where?"

"Forks."

"You're from there too? I'm from La Push, the Quileute reservation?" He was smiling. He was friendly.

"I never went." The beach wasn't really my thing. I tried to stay inside in sunny days.

"Oh."

"How do you know Bella?" I was sure I knew all her friends back in Forks. Jacob had never been mentioned.

"Well, our Dads are fishing buddies. I hadn't seen her in years because I was in Hawaii with my sister. And then I moved here for school. But almost two and a half years ago now, I was back there visiting Billy- my Dad- and he told me Charlie's daughter was back in town and he wanted to say hi. So we went up there to see them, she had just had an accident so she was a mess. Broken bones and bruises everywhere. She crashed. Charlie was beside himself, he was frightened for her. She was always crying, she never really did anything, she just cried. But when we visited she would- well, not smile- but she wouldn't cry anymore so Charlie asked us to come by often and bring friends. I took Leah there and they became friends, so then Leah took Seth, her brother, and they got along too. After about three or four months, she was almost completely healed, physically anyway. Emotionally, well she's not quite there yet. Anyway, she was living here before her accident, so after she healed we offered her to move in with us: Leah, Seth and me. She agreed and she's been living with us ever since. She's still a little quiet and not quite happy, I've never seen her smile or anything, musta been some accident, huh? To drain you of your happiness? So that's why Leah's so protective of her, she's been through enough."

I didn't know what to say. I had drained her of her happiness? According to Jacob she had been and still was as much of a mess as me. I felt sick. Losing the baby had been too much for her; just like me she hadn't smiled or laughed in over two years. She did both today, though, with me. I had made her smile. And then I had made her cry. Maybe that was the real reaction she was looking for: Crying. Maybe the situation had finally caught up with her, she had finally realized who she was with in that little room and cracked. So it had nothing to do with my comment about the girlfriend, it was just surfacing emotions spilling over.

"Did she ever say how she crashed?" I needed to know which role I played in that scenario to her. It couldn't have been a good one. My only options were: Executioner or Bastard.

"No, just that she did. She doesn't really like talking about it. She gets really sad and starts crying if you bring it up, so we learned not to."

My family did too, after the bathroom scene they had never mentioned the accident or Bella again. It surprised me to acknowledge that Bella and I had dealt with the situation similarly. I hadn't expected that.

Did that include needing me to start living again? Just like I needed her? Had I again ruined any possible chance of getting back together with her by lying? Had I let my happiness escape me? Had I pushed it away again? Ah, crap. Crap, crap, crap, fuck , fuck. When will I learn? When the hell will I learn not to jump to conclusions? Not to be so impulsive? When will I learn to wait for answers? Shit.

So what do I do now? Tell her I was kidding? That I was joking? No, she'd never forgive a joke like that. What's left? Tell her the truth, that I though she had moved on so I lied to avoid sounding like a moron who was still pining after her. Should I tell her I was jealous? Had I really been jealous, though? In my flurry of emotions I didn't detect than one. I had only registered anger, pain and humiliation. But I had wanted to snap Jacob's neck as soon as his name left her lips. Maybe I _had_ been jealous. I had to talk to her.

I made my way back to her room. She was still lying down, but she wasn't sleeping.

"Bella?" That voice wasn't mine. I turned around to find Jacob coming in. "Bells?"

She opened her eyes and turned to look at him. He scooted closer. "Hey, Jake." She was avoiding me like the plague.

"Broken leg, huh? I'm starting to think it's you and not the apartment."

"I'm starting to think so too. Maybe it's a bit of both." I was lost. Jacob noticed.

"We live on the third floor of a no-elevator building. Apartment 13. Bella thinks it's cursed, but I think it might be her. Things have happened ever since she moved in: The big TV broke, the keyboard broke, the laundry machines broke, so we have to carry the laundry two blocks, the smoke alarm goes off every time we make pancakes, and pancakes only, so we can't eat them. All the neighbors are rowdy: the next door ones, the ones underneath, the ones in front, all of them, so we don't get much sleep. All the six fish we had died, one of them even jumped off the fish tank. It literally killed itself. There was a flood, which ruined all the doors and now her leg broke because of it. She's a danger magnet, that one." He laughed.

"Sorry, Jake." She started to look sad again.

Out of all that Jacob said, one thing stuck out. "You live on the third floor of a no-elevator building?" I asked looking at her. Her nod was tiny.

"How are you going to get upstairs in a cast if there's no elevator?"

"Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that." Jacob said. "We could carry you up and down. But what if we drop you and you end up breaking something else?"

"I can crawl or hop my way around." She really hated having people fuss over her.

"Come stay with me." I didn't realize I had spoken until the words were already out.

"What?" Bella's head snapped up to meet mine.

"What?" Jacob's head turned my way.

"What?" I asked defensively. "It makes sense."

"How?" I was hoping she wouldn't ask that, I hadn't actually thought this through. My mind and mouth were on autopilot. I wasn't processing anything other than the chance of having her with me again. I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Well, I'm a Doctor, so I can both examine you and treat you if you're hurting. I have access to crutches and wheelchairs." If they didn't let me borrow them then I'd buy the whole store, I'd get her a scooter if she wanted. "If you need to come back here for any reason, you won't have to wait to be looked at since I could pull some strings to get you checked out first. My building has elevators and a concierge if you need anything." Should I tell her it's the same building we used to live in? The same apartment we used to share? "I could get you to work and back. I have laundry machines in the apartment and" I want you to, I desperately, desperately want you to. "I have a spare room." I finished lamely.

"Makes sense Bells, he thought of everything, he'd have you covered." You know, Jacob was actually a nice guy. Wonder why I didn't see it before.

"Edward, I don't know." She didn't sound horrified by the idea, she just sounded unsure.

"It would only be until you get your cast off. You can't hop around with a leg in a cast. And there is absolutely no way I'm letting you crawl your way up through two flights of stairs. As your Doctor I just can't allow that to happen."

"What about your girlfriend?" Her voice was draped with sadness. "Won't she mind?"

She said "Won't" not "Wouldn't", that means she's in, right?

My lips started twitching.

"No, she won't mind."

"Don't you even want to discuss it with her first?"

What did she want me to do? Flip the phone open and have a conversation with myself? I hoped she didn't go that far. I would do it, though. If it convinced her.

"Trust me Bella, she won't mind one bit. She would do the same, she's very altruistic."

Anger flashed in her face. "I'm not a charity case, Edward." Maybe I shouldn't have added that last part.

"I know that, Bella. I didn't mean it like that. I'm just saying, she believes in helping friends in need." I hoped I hadn't ruined it before it even started. "Just 'til you get your cast off so you can heal properly. You don't want to risk a surgery, do you?"

"Would that really be an option?"

In other cases, perhaps, not in hers. All she had to do was rest the leg. Stay off it for a month.

I didn't care. "Yes. If you don't take the proper precautions." I was so close to having her agree, I would stop at nothing.

"Well, okay. I mean surgery." She shuddered.

"But it would be only for a month, right? Until I get the cast off?" Was that disappointment in her voice?

"Until you heal." I corrected. I would catch at straws to make her stay longer than deemed necessary.

I worked. "Okay." She said.

My lips broke into a smile.

* * *

**Did you like it? What will happen?**

**Guess what I shared about myself in this chapter? If you guessed Jacob's explanation to Edward about why Bella thinks the apartment is cursed, then you'd be right. I do live on the third floor of a three-story no-elevator building. Apartment 13, no less. Every single thing Jacob says to him has happened, even the fish that jumped off the tank. The only thing that hasn't happened is the doors rotting and falling on me to break my leg. (Knocks on wood.) Anyway, did you have a little laugh with that? That was the intention.**

**Please review, comment, advice, flame or just send me to hell. I dunno. :)**

**Next chapter should be up either later today or by tomorrow morning, early morning. Around 3 am, just like now.**

**Have a great day guys.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Guys, I'm so, so sorry I didn't upload yesterday. I started writing this chapter Friday but only just finished it. All the midnight uploads have started to catch up with me. I fell asleep on the chair, and then yesterday was impossible. I had class at 8 am, then I had to go to work and got out at 11 pm. Sorry again.**

**Last chapter's thank you's are expansive: Edward's-a-beefcake, HisInnocentDarkAngel, Minx Hijinks, MrsDarcyCullen and shaz308 thank you for reviewing. Thanks for alerting the story to: AIMSKYE, ash03, iEdward, LeesieLouLou, Lil Miss Charlie, Minx Hijinks, MrsDarcyCullen, paullihna, robbsweetangel, shaz308 and skydala. And for favoriting it thanks' go to: Do-the-Panic, MrsDarcyCullen, robbsweetangel and shaz308. It's incredible to have gotten that response.**

**I had an idea and wanted to include all of you. Please read the note at the bottom.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Home

She agreed. She consciously agreed to live with me again. Granted, it would only be for a little over a month and she had only said yes because I wouldn't let her say no. Plus, Jacob's input had helped. In spite of acknowledging them, those things didn't deter my enthusiasm one bit. She was coming back.

"So what? Does she take off with you now or how's this gonna work out?" Jacob asked while looking at me, then at Bella to see who would answer.

I frowned. I hadn't thought about that. How _was_ this going to work out? How does one go about having his long absent, once pregnant, vanishing, estranged, suddenly stumbled upon, now broken-legged and elevator-deprived ex-girlfriend back into one's life?

I'd find a way.

"I have to go get my stuff first." Bella said.

"I'll take you." I offered.

Her refusal was as fast as a bullet. "No, that's alright." Well, that stung. "Jacob's going there anyway. He can take me back and then I'll catch a cab to your place. Just give me your address." She sounded uncomfortable again.

"Bella, I can't let you take a cab with a broken leg. I have a perfectly comfortable car. I'll take you to Jacob's, wait for you and then take you back with me." It felt great to know I wouldn't be leaving her behind.

"No, Edward, I'll take a cab. Just give me your address."

"Bella-"

"Edward, I said I'll take a cab, just give me the damn address." She was annoyed. I was too. What was the big deal with me taking her back to my apartment? Why wouldn't she want to ride with me?

The answer was so obvious I felt absolutely stupid for not seeing it before. She wouldn't feel safe with me in a car. She didn't want to ride with me because of the accident. Did she think I would cause another one? That stung more than her quick rejection. Suddenly my idea didn't seem very bright. If she couldn't even share a ride with me then how the hell would she share an apartment, no matter how short her visit was?

"It's the same." I said, feeling completely defeated.

"Oh. I thought you would've moved." She whispered almost as if she didn't mean for me to hear, and then went to bite down on her lip.

"I thought you would've moved"? What did she mean by that? She could be so cryptic sometimes. It was frustrating.

"Why?"

She was still looking away from me. "I just thought you might have." She shrugged. Shrugging, I hated shrugging. It completely devalued her statements. How could I debate whether or not something was significant if she shrugged it off?

Uncomfortable silence followed. Should I cough?

"So you're leaving with me, then?" Jacob asked Bella. "Do you want to get going now? Or does she have to get anything else checked?" He looked at me at the end.

"No, she's set."

"Ok, well let's go then."

He went to help Bella up. I was holding my arms behind my back to avoid touching either one of them. I wanted it to be me helping her up. And, even though I'd started to like him, I wanted to chop Jacob's hands off just for touching her. If he so much as laid an indecent finger on her, so help me God, I would pounce.

He didn't, though. Their embrace was innocent enough. They each had an arm wrapped around each other's waists. He was holding her up, but they didn't start walking.

"I'll see you later then." She lifted her head to look at me and almost against herself she smiled a tiny smile.

"I'll see you later." My smile was nowhere near tiny.

They went for the door, with her hoping on one foot. I mentally slapped myself. Why the hell didn't I go get her some crutches? Or a wheelchair? Great start in taking care of her. I hurried to reprieve myself.

"Bella, wait. I'll go get you crutches or a wheelchair."

They turned around. "Um, that's ok. It's not that far a walk to the car and then it would only be impossible for me to carry my bags while trying to push a wheelchair or balancing crutches. I'd probably just end up back here. " She laughed a little. So did I. Her explanation made sense. Although I hoped she didn't think so little of me as to believe I would let her carry her bags upstairs by herself. I would be right downstairs awaiting her arrival.

"Ok, well, see you in a little while." I wanted to go with her, what if she changed her mind?

She smiled. "See you in a little while." And with that she turned to leave.

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It had now been two hours since she'd left the hospital.

In that time I had gone around the hospital, but had been unable to borrow crutches. So I did the next best thing: I went to the store and bought them. Different kinds of them: Wood, steel, aluminum, millennial and pushbutton. I also bought a walker, two wheelchairs: one lightweight and one with a back pack and carry-on pouch. Three wheelchair cushions and a transfer bench, which is used to facilitate bathing. I knew for a fact she would not ask for my help in that department. I had refrained from buying the scooter because she would most likely just fall off it. And as much as I wanted to have her around, I didn't want her hurting.

I also went to the supermarket so I could stock the fridge. I didn't really eat much at home. I got all her favorites. Or what I knew up until almost two and a half years ago had been her favorites.

I wanted to go get some bed lining too but my car was packed to the brim and I didn't know how long she would take to get here, and making the trip to that store would've taken me at least an hour.

So here I was, pacing the entrance of my building, waiting for her. Running my fingers through my hair to avoid the stress. I couldn't decide what she would want to use so I brought the wooden crutches and the lightweight wheelchair with a pad on the seat.

I was nervous. Not "I'm going to ask the girl I like out" nervous but rather "What if she says no" nervous. We had so much history together. So much had happened between us. We had ended on such a sour note. But we had been happy before it all went to hell. We had been really happy. I wanted for her to want to be that happy with me again. I wanted for her to come back today and never want to leave again. I wanted her to claim me as her own again. I wanted her to be in love with me again.

A yellow cab pulled up to the curve and stopped. Her head was barely visible, she had it down. But it was her, she had come. Maybe she wasn't completely for it but she was still coming to live with me again. We would be a single unit again. Maybe this could work out. Maybe I could make her happy again and have her want to stay.

I opened her door before she even looked up. She was gathering up the cabbie's fare. Her hand clutched a wad of money and started to pull it out when I pulled out a bill from my pocket and handed it to him. He took it greedily, glad I hadn't asked for the change.

"You didn't have to do that. I was going to get him." She sounded surprised.

"Bella, you are my guest. As long as you're under my roof, you won't have to worry about anything other than healing." She started blushing. It had been far, far too long since I'd last seen that blush; I longed to be able to touch it, to run a finger freely over it. "Besides-" I went on to distract any errant thoughts. "a gentleman should never let a lady spend." She looked up to meet my eyes. I smiled. So did she.

The cab driver had gone to take the suitcases out of the trunk. They were small. Only two. So she wasn't planning on staying long, then. As soon as she healed she would be gone. I pushed that thought aside and extended my hand toward Bella to get out. She didn't hesitate, she didn't refrain, she didn't decline, she took my hand in hers firmly. I felt dormant feelings awaken. I pushed my luck and went to hold her by the waist; she snuggled into me almost reflexively. I was complete again; I was holding in my hands the core of my existence. My grip tightened just the smallest amount. I might've been over the moon about my current situation but I didn't want to scare her away.

"Edward, why is there both a wheelchair and a pair of crutches there?"

"Well, I got them for you. I didn't know what you would feel more comfortable in so I decided to bring both."

"Did you buy them?" Ah, tiny niggle. She hated having people spend money on her. I would have to make sure to get rid of all the rest of the things I got before she saw them.

"Eh, no, I got them from the hospital." Which was kind of true, the store _was_ practically connected to the hospital. What's two blocks anyway?

The driver was long gone, so it was just her and me holding on to each other, about to go home again.

"I think I'll use the crutches, I have to practice."

I hated to, but I let go of her to get her the crutches and set both suitcases on the wheelchair. We started making our way back slowly. It took a while but we finally reached the elevators. She looked tired. Well, in her defense it had been a pretty hectic day. What with finding each other again and everything.

The elevator doors opened. I took my hand out to hold them open for her. Once she was in I pushed the wheelchair inside. She had already pressed the right button. I smiled at that. No matter how long she was away, she hadn't forgotten her way back.

We were walking down the hallway to our door when one of her crutches slipped. I let go of the wheelchair and went to catch her.

"Are you okay? Did you hurt your foot?" I was anxious. "Scared shitless" would be a more appropriate term, though.

"No, I'm okay. I'm just tired and these take a little while to get the hang of."

Without thinking I set her other crutch down and scooped her in my arms. She yelped a little in surprise. I strode to our apartment. Once in front of the door I asked her to reach into my back pocket to get the key. She blushed but didn't refuse.

I walked her through the threshold bridal style.

"Welcome back." I said in a tiny voice that I knew she wouldn't be able to hear.

For the first time since she'd left, this place felt like my home again.

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It was torture. It was sweet, sweet _divine_ torture that would surely be the end of me.

I was allowed to touch her but not caress her. I was allowed to talk to her but not of us. I was allowed to look at her but not stare. I was allowed to be next to her but not be with her. I was allowed to love her but just from afar. It was an "us" that had never been before. An "us" with restrictions. I was only given so much. I had been given measured portions of happiness. Still, it was better than nothing. I wouldn't complain.

And so our life together again began.

She was still hesitant about it. About if she'd made the right decision by coming here. She was acting like a guest and not a former inhabitant. She refused to sleep in my bed even though it was much bigger than the guest bedroom's. I pointed that out to her but couldn't convince her. So I did the only thing left for me to do: I started sleeping on the couch. If she would be uncomfortable then so would I. Also- and this was biggest reason behind my actions- the living room and the guest room were adjoined, meaning I would be that much closer to her, unbeknownst to her, we were close every night.

The favorite part of my day was helping her ready to bathe. I was in charge of covering her leg so it wouldn't get wet. My fingers always found a way to graze her knee and thigh. They always managed to hang on a little longer than necessary. And it was that moment that gave me the strength to keep going. Not to admit that we would never work out again. That we could never be again. Because in that moment she wasn't hesitant, she saw through me like cellophane, she knew I was taking advantage and she didn't stop me. What that first day had been a little gasp had slowly started to turn into a low, quiet moan that was quickly followed by a clearing of the throat. And my unwilling exit. That moan, to know that I was the one who created it, who made it escape from her lips, was what made me settle for portioned happiness. What made me endure this torture. After every time I heard it I had to close my eyes to avoid taking her right there. But then the clearing of the throat came, and my thoughts cleared up. It was torture, but like the masochist I was, I welcomed it.

Two weeks after the new living arrangements my family made a surprise visit. All of them, parents included. Six pair of eyes widened and six jaws dropped. After the shocked "Bella what are you doing here?", "Where have you been?", "How have you been?" and "What the hell, Edward?" they sat down and started talking to her. Their dynamic wasn't strained; they found and followed their old pattern in a matter of minutes. I envied them. The only time of day Bella let her guard down around me was when I grazed her leg. When I made her moan. Just thinking about that made me smile a little again.

That was when I lost her. She had been taken from me by long lost family members, long overdue shopping trips, catching up lunches and "girls only" afternoons. I sat around like the discarded caretaker I had been turned into by my family. Just waiting for her to come back to me and our dysfunctional relationship.

And then her friends made an appearance. Jacob came, Leah came, Seth came, even her Father came. He made sure to shoot me murderous glares every time his gaze caught mine. He never particularly liked me but I had never been on the receiving end of his "evil eye". It was unsettling.

Time passed and we didn't progress. I wanted to talk to her. To resolve everything once and for all. I wanted her to tell me what would happen. I couldn't find her just to lose her again. I couldn't hold my feeling in any longer, I would if she asked me to, but I didn't want to. I wanted to kiss her, to hold her, to be with her. I wanted our blissful past, not a hesitant present and an unsure future.

Still, 24 hours in a day weren't time enough. As much as I didn't want to, I had to go to work, I had to leave her. Sometimes for days at a time for shifts at the hospital. Time wasn't my friend; it was "cobweb creating" slow at the hospital and "rubber band snapping" fast at home. It wasn't fair, the only thing I had left with her was time, and even that was being taken from me.

And so my month came to an end. With absolutely no progress for us as a couple, no hint that we had ever been one or might ever be one again. Bella healed and I didn't want her to go. If she walked out now, she wouldn't come back.

So I did what I had to do, I went on relentlessly about the dangers of putting weight on a recently un-cast leg. Even if the cast was gone, the leg was still tender. I spoke of unproven facts. That she would probably snap her leg in half again from the exertion of the stairs. That they would probably have to operate and she might end up limping. She was scared, but so was I. I couldn't and wouldn't let her go if I could avoid it. She was still unsure and I got upset. I told her I was just looking out for her best interest, that I was just trying to benefit her, but if she was too stubborn to help in her own recovery she could be my guest. She could limp away if she wanted to. She relented. Her smile held a hidden meaning though, she looked like she knew why I was doing what I was. She looked like she knew I needed her.

So that gave me two more weeks try and talk to her. Two more weeks to try and figure everything out.

Two more weeks that were used up once again by my family. They were plotting against me. Their own flesh and blood. They would not leave her alone. They only went home because they had to go to work and I would kick them out. I refused to share her at night. Even if she was just sleeping.

And so that left me here. With a month and a half of having been with her after two and a half years of not seeing her. Those two weeks made no difference. I was just as frustrated and confused as before. I was just as clueless about us as I had been since she had agreed to come. I was just as scared and unsure of losing her as ever. And I was just as unwilling to let her go as before. Except now I had no excuses to plea my case. She came because of the stairs, she stayed because of the tenderness, but now she had healed. Her leg had healed and my heart had broken. She had no reason to stay anymore. Maybe if I'd talked to her about anything she would want to, but I had no chance to get two words in between the hesitation of those first two weeks and the kidnapping she had fallen victim of at the hands of my family and her friends. I didn't even get to clear up the girlfriend mess. I knew that was why she didn't let herself feel comfortable with me. Because of the lie I had no chance to clarify. All I would be left with now was the reminder of our daily bathroom routine. The one time no thinking was involved and we gave into pleasure. Even if it just lasted seconds.

She was heading for the door. Again she had refused my offer of taking her to her apartment.

She was leaving and I was panicking.

She held one hand to open the door and turned around to face me.

"Thank you so much for everything, Edward. I really appreciate it." Her voice was torn between happiness and sadness.

I couldn't speak; I was just there watching her leave me as I had made her watch me do so long ago in the hospital.

She let go of the doorknob and came to give me a shy hug. I held on as hard and long as possible. If I didn't release her she wouldn't be able to leave. I heard a little cry and I let go immediately, I had hurt her.

She looked at the floor and started to cry a little louder. Her shoulders started shaking a little.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I really am. I wish I could stay but I know I shouldn't." She said it so quietly I wasn't even sure I'd heard correctly.

I didn't care. That was all the incentive I needed.

I lifted her head with a finger and saw her tear-stricken face. I looked into her eyes and my torn and devastated expression for her departure was mirrored in them. She was hurting over this as much as I was. She didn't want to let go either. I wouldn't let her.

Without giving her a chance to react for fear she would refuse I dove for her lips. I crushed them to me like what they were: the air I needed to breath. Her taste was even better than I recalled. Like it had been concocted for me especially. She was surprised. We stumbled backward and her back met the door. I held tighter and closer. Her surprise wore off and the fight to finish the kiss I was expecting didn't come. Instead she wrapped her arms around my neck and grabbed a handful of my hair in her little hands like she had done before countless times. She wanted this; she wanted this as much as I did.

I separated a millimeter to whisper into her mouth. "Stay Bella, please don't leave me."

Her voice was ragged but the message rang clear. "Never."

I smiled down at her before meeting her lips in a kiss again and veering her to our room.

* * *

**PLEASE READ: So, where I work we're doing this collecting to help fight Muscular Dystrophy. Which is basically a disease that progressively weakens the muscles and causes loss of muscle tissue. So it makes it very hard for people who suffer from it to walk, stand or even sit up properly. "Jerry's Kids", which is the foundation that my workplace is working with, helps gather money for children who suffer from it. There are some videos in Youtube, it's really very heartbreaking.**

**So, my idea was this one. In my hand are 59 blank Shamrocks, which is what you buy to help collect the money. 9 for the people who have already reviewed and 50 for any NEW reviewers who want to help. Basically, it works like this: If you are a new reviewer (It could be the people who have alerted or favorited the story but haven't commented on it or Anonymous Reviewers), I will personally donate a dollar in your name (penname) and get you a Shamrock. All the people who have already reviewed will have donations made in their names whether they review again or not. Though, I hope they do.**

**The money will be donated anyway, so it's not a bribe for reviews. I just thought I'd include you all in it. It doesn't cost you anything other than 1 review. Just start it off by typing "Shamrock Review", so I know who wants to be included, and then go on to comment on the chapter. After March 17, which is the last day to collect the money at my work, I will mail the Shamrocks with your penname on them to your house or workplace, whichever you prefer. Just PM me the details and I'll do it. It could be what you took away from this story. Literally.**

**I hope nobody is against this idea, if anyone is please tell me. It's not meant to offend anyone, I just thought it'd be a fun way to donate. I'd rather do it like this than put my own name in 60 different Shamrocks, I'm not that narcissistic.**

**Hope you're all in. And if anyone is wondering why I'm doing this, it's because I've been in desperate need of help before and there's always been someone there for me.**

**Have a great day guys. Next chapter should be up by tomorrow.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Guys, hey, what's up?**

**Thank you first and foremost to everyone who cooperated with the Shamrock idea: absolutelyher, Edward's-a-beefcake, HisInnocentDarkAngel, InkStainedFire, skydala and shaz308. **

**Many thanks to InkStainedFire who on top of reviewing also alerted and favorited the story. skydala, thanks for favoriting the story too. And for alerting it thanks so much to: Gilmore4life3 and vittoria del sottaceto. Your Shamrocks await you, just 1 little review.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

No reason

Heaven: A place or condition of supreme happiness and bliss.

That's where I was. That's where she took me.

I lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around my hips. We were making our way to our bedroom and, unless she changed her mind, there was not much doubting where this would lead: Nirvana.

I felt so light, so worry-free, so much like the goofy, love-stricken teenager she always somehow made me feel. I was here, she was here, this was real. My lips broke into a smile and her tongue sneaked its way in. I responded immediately. After over two years of just dreaming of this I wouldn't let the incredulity I felt rob me of this experience. This reconnection. I wouldn't let my doubts or fears or hesitancy take me away from the day I started living again. I couldn't be that unkind to myself or to her.

She fought a decent battle but she gave in. We had been affected in such a way that we could never move on again. We were perfect puzzle pieces that had finally found each other again.

With that thought on my mind I spoke.

"I love you, Bella."

Her lips froze. I did too.

"Really?" She asked in a small, tiny voice that made her sound vulnerable.

How could she doubt it? "Of course. I never stopped loving you. I never will, either."

"What about your girlfriend?" She started to pull away so I held her tighter.

Oh, so she _had_ good reason to doubt my affections. It was time to clear up the air. To take away the only thing that would pull us apart now.

"There never was a girlfriend." The relief on her face was quickly followed by suspicion. I started to answer her unasked question. "I thought you were living together with Jacob. Just you and him. I was jealous and hurt so I made up a relationship for myself on the spot. It hurt to believe you'd moved on so quickly and I didn't think, I just reacted. I'm sorry."

The suspicion left to make room for laughter. "When will you learn to ask questions first, Edward? Do you realize how guilty I felt for wanting you when I had no right to? Or how my world shattered when you said you were getting serious with her? You had me wanting to gouge out the eyes of every woman who works in that hospital."

"I'm sorry, love." I captured her lips with mine again.

When we came up for breath she whispered in my ear. "You do realize you're the one who kept us from doing this earlier, right?"

I did now. I was such an idiot for not clearing everything up before. But I was an even bigger idiot for lying at all. That month and a half of torture seemed like a good punishment for my stupidity.

"Please allow me to make up for it."

And she did. She let me settle her on our bed and lavish her with all the kisses and caresses that I'd saved up for over two years. She let me fix her broken heart as she had fixed mine by giving me a second chance. I would not need a third. I would never let her go again. And I would never jump to conclusions again. I wouldn't be the one to botch my own happiness again.

Her hands started to unbutton my shirt and I ran my fingers through her hair. It felt amazing to officially be allowed to do this again. To be with her like this again. Her hands made their way to my chest and I closed my eyes to engrave in my memory the feeling of her touch. The way her hands left a burning trail as they moved over my chest. She started to pull on my shirt to get it off and I practically ripped it off me. She laughed a little at my urgency.

I started to pull on her own shirt and her laughing was replaced by a deep, throaty moan. Much more evident than the ones in the bathroom now that she knew this was allowed. Once off I went down to kiss her stomach. Her back arched and her fingers caught my hair. I made my way upward slowly, burning her as she had done me. Her breathing was accelerating and her chest was heaving. I made my way to her collarbone and kissed it from start to finish. From left to right. I lifted her up a little to kiss her shoulders and then made my way to her neck. It was so soft, so tender. I wanted to bite down on it, but I had vowed never to hurt her again, so I only, slowly grazed my teeth against it. And then kissed the spot where little pressure marks were beginning to blossom. She couldn't take it anymore and brought me up to her lips again, we put everything we had into that kiss, the love we still shared radiated from it.

She started taking off my belt while still sharing our kiss. Once she got it off she struggled with the button of my pants and my own hands went down to take over. Two seconds later I was only clad in underwear. I was ready for her, that much was evident. She followed my gaze and the corner of her lips twitched a little. In anticipation or pleasure or just for the reassurance of my need for her I wasn't sure. I didn't care any way. She could laugh at my needs all she wanted as long as I was still allowed to be with her. My need took over and I went to pull the pants off her without unbuckling the belt. I thanked my lucky stars that her clothes were never on too tight.

My hands went to her back to unclasp her bra. And I relished the sight in front of me. She was ready too. Only thin fabric separated us now. My hand went to my night table drawer to pull out protection. I had bought them the day after she came in hopes that maybe, maybe I would get lucky enough and she and I would end up exactly how we were now. About to love each other again. She had a little frown on her face that disappeared as soon as I removed my boxers. She went to bite her lip. Now _my_ lips twitched. She noticed and went to remove her lace clothing. We would never win this game; we both knew how to make the other's lips stop twitching. I took her hand and placed it away. Slowly, agonizingly slowly I started to pull down, placing a kiss on her hipbones as I did.

And then there was just us, exposed to the other as we had been before but knowing that this time there was a difference. This time meant a lot more than the others had. We had lost and found each other and we were about to make love again to prove it. I bent down to kiss her with all that was left in me.

We connected and I was home again.

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I woke up hours later with the sun in my eyes.

It took only a moment to remember last night. A smile took over my face. I went to feel around the bed but it was empty. I panicked. What if it had all been a dream? No, no dream could ever be that fulfilling. No wet dreams compared to actually making love.

I got up from the bed to find nothing, no clothes scattered around as I knew there must have been. No discarded condoms as there should have been. No signs that last night was real. I was really panicking now. My mind couldn't have been playing such tricks on me.

I went to the dresser and got a pair of boxers out. I ran out of the room scared that I would find nothing.

She wasn't in the bathroom, she wasn't in the hall, she wasn't in the spare bedroom and she wasn't in the kitchen. I couldn't understand, yesterday happened, I knew it did. So where was the proof, where was the evidence that I hadn't lost my mind to pent-up sexual frustration?

There was none.

I sat down on the kitchen table chair. I felt cheated. This wasn't fair. I should be relishing yesterday not questioning its veracity. I put my elbows on my knees and rested my head on my hands. I stayed like that, unmoving, confused and frustrated.

I felt a little hand run through my hair and my head snapped up. There she was, bathed and dressed in a new outfit. She had a brown bag on her arm.

I got up as fast as possible and went to hug her with such force we stumbled back and she gasped. I held on to her, never wanting to let go again.

"Well, good morning to you too. Sorry I didn't wake you, you looked so peaceful and rested. The bed's much better than the couch, huh?"

My eyes went to meet hers and she had a little smile on her lips. "I saw you sleeping there and I loved you for it." She gave me a little kiss. "As I said, you looked too comfortable to disturb, so after cleaning up the room I went to the store by myself. I wanted to make you breakfast in bed but you beat me. Wanna help me?" She smiled again while she cupped my cheek.

Relief spread through me like wildfire and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

"Sure, what are you making?" My voice was groggy from sleep.

"Eggs."

After we ate, we settled on the couch. Not talking, just enjoying each other's company. Being who we used to be again. The hands that were being used to run through our hair made their way elsewhere. After a few minutes we ended up in our bed again, in an exact repeat of last night.

The time came for me to go to work to start a 27-hour shift. I hated to but I needed to. She promised she would come bring me meals and I promised I would call every chance I got.

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It had been 12 hours so far and she was due in two.

Waiting around was never my forte when she was concerned.

"Dr. Cullen."

I turned around to find Dr. Sanz with a young girl next to him.

"Yes?"

"Meet Casey Michaels, your intern."

I held out my hand. "Pleasure. Edward Cullen."

She nodded her head and smiled a little.

We had a busy hour after that. The E.R. flooded with wounded people.

One of them was particularly horrific. Repeated stab wounds in an attempt to steal a car.

Casey, having never been in any close proximity to anything like this had broken down. She left the room and I went after her. I lifted her head and was moved by the tears that threatened to fall. I told her I understood how hard this was for her, but that she had to keep it together, a doctor could only break at the end, never at the beginning. You could be as affected as you wanted when you were done, when you had tried your best, not even before you did anything to help. She nodded her head and gave me a little hug. She headed inside and didn't break down again.

I called Bella five minutes before she was expected to come, but the phone in my apartment rang until the machine picked up. That was good; she was on her way then.

I made my way to the first floor to wait for her at the entrance. I paced back and forth, impatient.

She didn't come. I was now nearing the 20th hour of my shift. I had called the apartment a million times, my family and friends. No one knew where she was. I was scared, what if something happened to her? I didn't have long to think, accident victims kept coming in not giving me a chance to try to figure out what had happened.

When I finally reached the end of my shift I left without showering. A first for me. I needed to get to her. To know what happened, why she hadn't gone to see me.

I burst open the door to our home and took in its stillness. Everything was where it was supposed to be. There was no noise, no whisper. I got really scared then. I went to our bedroom and found it empty, checked the bathroom, the laundry room, the kitchen, the closets, and the spare room. Every single nook and cranny in our home but she wasn't there. Anywhere. I didn't understand. Did she leave? Why? What had I done? She had no reason to leave. None at all.

I made my way to the same chair I did before when I was in this same situation. Maybe this would be a routine of ours. I didn't care much for it, but as long as she came back I would play along. I went to sit down and saw a paper folded in half with my name on it. In Bella's handwriting. This wasn't good, I knew I didn't want to open the paper, I knew I never wanted to read its contents because they would only crush me. I could feel it.

Against my better judgment I opened it. I instantly regretted it. It was a long note.

_Edward,_ It read.

_This shouldn't have happened. We shouldn't have done what we did. We should have never lost control the way we did. It won't hapen again, though. You can pretend it never did._

_I'm sorry it happened. It only complicates everything more._

_I_

I didn't read anything else. I knew it, I knew reading this would only crush me.

She was sorry it happened? She wanted me to pretend it never did? What the hell was she playing at? How could she love me one day and then discard me the next? When would I stop paying for my sins? When would I stop hurting?

I was hurt again and I was most definitely angry. She chose the coward's way out. I would try to find her if not for only one thing: "_I'm sorry it happened. It only complicates everything more." _This time I would respect her wishes, I wouldn't crawl back to her just to be dismissed again. I wouldn't let her play me again.

I ripped the note and threw it in the garbage. I went to my room and lay on my bed. I was a lost piece of puzzle again. But no matter. I could force myself onto other pieces; I could carve my way in to fit somewhere else.

I closed my eyes and shed the last tear for the love Bella and I once shared.

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**Sorry the happiness didn't last longer. I'm so used to depression from this story I thought I'd go back to it. Please stick around?**

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	13. Chapter 13

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Differences

I was done with my shift and was heading out the door.

This time wasn't like last time, I didn't allow myself to stop living, I didn't allow myself to wait for her any longer because I knew that even though I would never fully get over her I should try to live with what I had.

And what I had was a mangled heart that needed repairing. She wouldn't be the one fixing it though. Of that I was sure, she regretted what we did and she left. With no reasons or explanations.

I didn't love her any less; my love for her didn't go out the door when she did. I just quietly mourned my losses once again and suppressed emotions. I became numb. Not dead but not quite alive, either.

And that's how I'd managed to go on for the past three and a half months: By not feeling, by not thinking, by avoiding to remember at all costs.

My family didn't know to help because they didn't know what had happened. They didn't know she'd abandoned me, they just thought she'd gone back. And they pitied me for it. They wanted her back again, too.

They didn't talk to her. No one, not one of us was smart enough to ask for her number or address when we'd had the chance. I understood now why she never let me give her a ride and I thanked her for it. If I had that kind of information I would surely abuse it, I'd go looking for her, demanding an explanation in a heartbeat if I knew where to look. But then I remembered she didn't want me to: That's when the plotting stopped and the thanking began.

That was the single reason I hadn't asked for her file at the hospital. Because I couldn't bear to go after her and have her turn me down. It was better this way. Numbness was better than pain.

Try as I might I wasn't numb all the time. Sometimes, sometimes I slipped and the pain took over. She had me, all of me at her feet and she turned around. Not only did she not want me, she regretted ever having me. Yes, it hurt. The difference between last time and this time was that last time she'd stayed away because I'd made her, this time she was staying away because she wanted to.

Still, life goes on. I couldn't mourn her forever. Even though I knew I would. I didn't let myself stop; I didn't let myself hurt any more than I already had. My family would not see me broken over her departure again. My spectacle of tears and frustrations was only performed and attended by me.

"Edward."

I turned around. Casey was coming toward me. We had become close over the last months.

"You're leaving?"

"Yes, but call me so we can arrange things for tomorrow."

"Ok." She smiled and turned around.

I kept walking with a little hint of a smile on my lips. I was proud of myself: I had not frozen. I had avoided last time's reaction. I had not stopped living.

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"So Eddie-boy, what's up? How have you been?"

Family dinners could be so tedious.

"I'm fine Emmett." My answer was as dead as my demeanor. I tried pretending but it was no use. In my defense though, his question irked me more than his nickname. I knew he was just trying to look out for me, but I didn't want to be anybody's good deed of the day. I was a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself. His physical self anyway.

"Have you talked to B-"

"No, Emmett. I haven't. Just like the in the last three months. I haven't talked to her nor do I think I ever will again. So please, I'm begging you, stop asking me that." A hint of emotion started seeping through my voice. Anger? Fatigue? Hurt? I didn't know.

How many times? How many fucking times would he ask me that? When would he end this unnecessary, albeit, ignorant torture? How long before I snapped and my perfect façade slipped?

Not too long.

Ever since she left, my family had gone to extreme measures to avoid another breakdown. They called every day. They took turns in coming over twice a week and we got together at a restaurant every Saturday night.

And just like every Saturday night Emmett was the only one to mention Bella. When he knew I couldn't attempt to break his face because our parents were there and we were in public. Bastard.

"I think you should call her Edward." It was Alice now. Great, Emmett's idiocy was contagious.

"Alice, please. Let's just not talk about her."

"But we have to, Edward. You need to go get her. What happened between you two?"

Again with the questioning. Didn't they understand this was a closed topic? A dead subject? I did not want to talk about her. Was it that hard to get?

"Nothing, Alice. She healed and she left. There's nothing left to discuss, now can we please, please drop this?" One more time and I would tell them everything; I could feel my resolve cracking. They were wearing me down.

"So, what are you doing tomorrow, Edward? We're going hunting, wanna come?" Jasper quickly changed the subject.

"I can't, I have plans tomorrow."

"To mope around?" Emmett asked in a low voice. That was it, I ignited.

"If you must know, Emmett. I'm spending the afternoon with someone tomorrow."

There were gasps of shock. "No way, who?"

"Casey."

"Your intern? What are you doing hanging out with her? Since when are you seeing her?"

I wasn't, I was just helping her pack her stuff and move into another apartment. There weren't that many things so I offered to help her so she wouldn't pay for a truck. We had become friends. It was nice to have someone who wasn't questioning my sanity every single second of the day. Someone who didn't push my buttons.

If I told my family that however, they would continue to pester me about Bella. And I wanted to avoid talking about her like my life depended on it.

I shrugged it off. "It's just the afternoon."

"Oh. Well, that's…nice, I guess."

They didn't say anything but kept looking at me with worried, confused eyes.

I knew they wouldn't be happy, but I didn't expect them to be worried. Didn't I have a right to move on if I wanted to? Didn't they want me to be happy again? Granted, there were absolutely no chances of that ever happening with someone other than Bella but it still angered me that they would prefer me broken and waiting for her, than relatively happy with someone else. It almost made me want to tell them that Casey was moving in with me, that we were getting married in a week and a half and they were all invited. But I wouldn't be making the same mistake twice, even if _she_ never found out. I was done with bragging about non-existent relationships.

The rest of the night passed with no other inquiries about my love life. I heard them share inconsequential details to keep the conversation flowing but didn't have any input. Truth be told, I wanted to go to my apartment. I wanted to fall asleep and dream of her. There, in my dreams no one could judge me, no one could chastise me and she never rejected me. It was the only piece left of the heaven she had created for me. I treasured it.

A few hours later I did just that, I dreamt of what we had shared in this very apartment, when it had felt like a home again. I would pay later for remembering her, I knew that. But that night was one of the few I found myself sleeping with a smile on my face.

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"So is that it? Is there anything left?" I asked Casey once we had finally managed to get all the boxes to her new apartment. They weren't heavy but they were many, I lost count of how many trips upstairs I made.

"I think so. Thanks so much for doing this again."

"No problem. Do you need help unpacking?"

"If you don't mind."

And so we spend the rest of the day unpacking and putting everything in its place. We ordered a pizza and I pulled out my wallet to pay for it. We had a little food break and talked a little more. Casey had moved into a bigger apartment because her boyfriend was coming over from Chicago. We had that in common; I had been born there but moved to Forks with my family before starting kindergarten.

His company was planning on opening a branch here, so she came first to get settled. She started by renting a room because it was only her, but now that the move was a sure thing she had looked for a bigger place. Her boyfriend Scott was due in two weeks. She wanted to be up and running and get to know the place a little before he came.

We started to get back to putting stuff away when my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number.

"Hello?"

"Edward?" The voice sounded familiar but I couldn't quite place it. It also sounded anxious.

"Yes?"

"Edward, it's Jacob. Bella's friend?"

Jacob? What could he want from me? "Oh, how are you? How did you g-"

"I got your number from the hospital. It took a lot of convincing but they finally caved. I told them it was urgent I speak to you." He said in a run-in sentence.

I was getting scared. He would only call me if Bella was involved.

"Jacob, is Bella alright?" I was definitely scared now.

"I don't know, they called me from the hospital, because I'm her emergency contact but I'm in Forks right now. We all are. We're on our way there but it'll be a while before we get there and we don't know how she is. Or if she'll make it. They said it they were treating her when they called me, so they had no information. They-"

"Jacob, what happened to her? Is she seriously hurt? Which hospital is she in?" I didn't know which answer I needed first. It was all vital information.

"She's at the Virginia Mason, I don't know how she is, they didn't tell me. They just said there had been a fire at the apartment and they took her there. But-" The phone fell from my hands and my heart sank. I felt cold.

"Edward? Is everything ok? What's wrong?" Casey asked.

"I have to go."

"Edw-"

I was out the door and down the stairs before my whole name had left her lips.

A fire? How could she have been in a fire? Was she okay? What if she wasn't? What if she'd di-

I broke down. I started my car with tears in my eyes and made my way to the hospital with prayers in my head and coldness in my heart. I could live away from her as long as I knew she was okay. If she left entirely, I would follow, no doubt. But she had to be okay, she _had _to be.

I made my way to the hospital in record time, parked in front of the E.R. entrance and left the car running and the door open. They could tow it, wreck it or steal it if they wanted to. I didn't care.

I ran faster than ever before to the information desk. Elbowing through the little crowd in there to talk to the nurse.

"Isabella Swan, which room is she in?" Please don't let it be the Operating Room. I couldn't stand any more agony. I was on the verge of a panic attack as it was.

"Are you family?" Stupid, unhelpful woman. Didn't she realize _every_ second counted?

"I'm her husband." I lied quickly. "Now please, which room is she in?" I started shaking; tears kept streaming down my face unabashed.

The woman took no pity of them and at a snail's pace went to look for Bella's name. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to tear her apart limb by limb and then set her remains on fire. I would most definitely be meeting this one in Hell.

Finally she answered. "Room 2204."

I ran to it without trying to remember what was treated in that room. I couldn't think about what I would find when I got there, I was just wishing it wasn't going to be as bad as I feared. I was just praying with all my might that she were fine and hoping that for once my prayers got answered.

I made it to the second floor and kept going 'til I finally found the room.

She was sitting with her back to the door, her little shoulders were shaking. Was she crying from the pain? I didn't knock; I made my way over to her and engulfed her in a tight hug. Without thinking if I would hurt her or not.

"Bella. Oh, my God, love. Are you alright? What happened? Did you get hurt? Jacob called and said you were in a fire but didn't know how you were. Were you burned? Were you checked already? Who saw you? If you need a skin graft I'll give it to you, don't worry, love. You're going to be alright. You'll see, you'll be alright." I was crying and sobbing and speaking so fast I was sure she'd missed half of what I'd said.

"Bella, love, are you okay?" I said in a more contained voice. I separated from her to check her. She looked fine; she didn't seem to have any burns or cuts. All she had was a little soot on her cheek and a tear on her loose-fitting button down shirt. I started smiling in between my sobs. She hadn't been burned.

She was wearing an oxygen mask. And her chocolate brown eyes were full of tears.

"Edwa-" She couldn't say any more before a sob escaped her.

I took her into my arms again. She was fine, she was alright. "I was so scared, love. You have no idea. I was expecting the worse. Were you scared, love? You don't have to be. You'll be fine, you'll see. The mask is just a precaution." I went to look at her face again. I let my fingers cup her cheek and started rubbing the soot away.

I heard a noise near the door but didn't look up from her eyes. She looked so scared, so helpless.

Her voice was almost a gasp. "Edward, please lea-"

She was interrupted by someone entering the room.

"Alright, Miss Swan! High five for making out of a burning building with nothing more than just soot! That's quite an accomplishment."

If I wasn't so scared to let go of her, I would've punched him for being such an ass.

"However I'd like to run an ultrasound to make sure that baby of yours was just as lucky as its Mommy. I'll go get everything ready and come back in a sec, okay?"

My hand froze on her cheek and she started sobbing again.

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	14. Chapter 14

**Children, children welcome back!**

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Explanations

I couldn't move. I was shocked to my core.

We were safe. Every time. I mean, I know condoms are only effective 97% of the time, but still, what are the odds?

She was pregnant? She was having my child? I was getting a chance to be a Father again?

Because there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that the child she was carrying was mine.

I thawed out. A bigger grin than I ever thought possible for the human body to experience broke through me.

She was pregnant! She was having _my_ child! I was getting a chance to be a Father again!

Right now, right at this very moment I gave a million thanks for Dr. Collins abusing his power. He brought us together again and consequently gave me everything I'd ever hoped for. Everything I thought I'd lost forever two and a half years ago.

I went to give her a bone crushing hug and a hysterical laughter broke through my chest. I was drugged on happiness. My fears were forgotten and my heart warmed. I went to look at her face, she was still sobbing. She must have thought I would get mad at her for not telling me. I wouldn't, nothing could burst my bubble right now. I stripped of every other feeling I possessed to focus solely on the high I felt.

"Bella." I managed between my grin.

She looked at me with puffy, tear-stricken eyes. I couldn't help myself; I needed her now more than ever. I took off her oxygen mask and went to crush her lips with mine pouring all the relief I felt at her being unhurt and the incredible nirvana- rivaling reaction I had to the news. I let those feelings take over me. I was so appreciative, so thankful that a few seconds later I started sobbing with tears of happiness, of relief and of immense gratefulness.

My sobs took over and I couldn't kiss her anymore. I went to hug her again, trying to take away her sadness with my happiness.

"Bella, love. I- I'm…" I couldn't get anything else over the lump in my throat. I held her tighter, still remembering to be careful of her precious cargo.

There was a noise in front of me and I looked up to see the same guy I wanted to punch before for being so callous but suddenly actually wanted to high five for giving me the best news of my life enter the room with an ultrasound machine in tow.

"Well aren't we the happy ones?" Maybe just a little punch to get him off the cheesy lines? "Now Miss Swan, I'm just going to hook this up and then we'll see your baby." He went to do that.

"Baby." Just the word gave me a bigger rush than I'd ever experienced. My smile increased in size. My cheeks would hurt tomorrow but I couldn't give a fuck about that right now.

"Now sir, I'm going to need you to let go of her so she can lie down, and if you can lift your shirt up Miss Swan, we can start."

I let go of her shoulders but held her hand captive. I would make it my mission in life never to be parted from her again. She still had tears rolling down her cheeks but she wasn't sobbing anymore. She went to lift her shirt up with a shaky hand and right then I could've died a happy man. She had a bulge, it was small for the 14 weeks along I knew she was, just slightly noticeable with no obstructions and would definitely go unnoticed with loose clothing. It was a tiny, little bump where my tiny, little baby was growing. I started believing in miracles in that moment. I felt like I had found Heaven on Earth.

The technician took me out of my reverie. "This'll be cold" he warned her as he applied the ultrasound gel, followed shortly by the Doppler stick. The first time she left I had thrown myself into my work so I went and got an Associates as an Ultrasound Technician in my spare time. I was immensely glad of that choice now. When the time came, I would be able to tell my baby's gender.

A heartbeat as fast as a hummingbird's wings filled the silence of the room. I went to look at Bella; she closed her eyes, making two more tears fall from her eyes. She was biting her lip and her expression wasn't one of awe, as I was sure mine was, but of relief. She must've been worried about the baby's welfare. Why didn't I think of that before? I took my hand and wiped her tears away. Almost involuntarily she cupped into it and her grip on my hand tightened a little. I fell even more in love with her in that moment. Hearing our baby's heartbeat together for the first time. I focused my eyes on the screen and after a few minutes the technician finally settled on an image.

And there it was: my tiny, little miracle. It was so small Bella's almost non-existent bump seemed too big for it. But it was there, growing and living. It looked a little like a gummy bear, but I knew once it came out it would break hearts with its beauty. Starting with mine.

"Bella, love, look. It's our baby." Her eyes opened and she went to look at the screen. I placed a kiss on her temple.

"Well, it looks like your good luck Miss Swan has been inherited by your baby. All seems well. Would you like a picture?" We both nodded.

He spent a few more minutes checking to make sure everything was indeed fine and then finally went to print out the picture. He handed it to Bella, who let go of my hand and went to run a finger tenderly over it. Her eyes pooled with tears again- only- now she started smiling for the first time since I'd been here.

"Miss Swan, we'd like to keep you overnight, just to make sure. But tomorrow morning you'll be free to go home again." The technician said.

"My apartment burned down." She said in a small voice.

"Your apartment may have burned down Bella, but your home has always been with me." I smiled at her again and went to take the picture carefully from her hand. I was meeting my baby for the first time.

As soon as she had fallen asleep I went out to get my car back. I would need it to get us back home. I smiled at that thought.

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She had remained quiet while being discharged. And once in the car, she had fallen asleep again almost immediately. She must've been so tired, pregnancy already does that to you but adding her ordeal and worry I was shocked she had even woken up at all.

I opened the door to our home and held it open for her.

"Are you hungry, love? Do you want me to make you anything? Or we can go out if you want."

"I'm just going to go to bed. I'm still tired." She turned around and headed for the guest bedroom. I stopped her and veered her in the right direction. To our room. She didn't fight it.

A question had been running through my mind and I decided to ask it. "Bella? Why didn't you tell me before? Were you trying to hide this from me or something?" I asked with a little laugh.

She stepped away from my embrace and her head went to look down. "Yes." She said in a weak, little whisper that felt like a cannonball to my chest. I was hurt and angry by her answer, but the anger took over.

"What? Bella, please tell me you're joking." I practically snarled.

"I didn't want you to know, Edward." Her voice was cracking but my anger wasn't moved.

"Why the hell not?" I was getting angrier by the second.

"I was afraid."

"Of what?"

She was fully sobbing now. "A repeat of last time."

I felt my anger leave me, along with everything else I'd felt in the last 12 hours. I kept nothing, I wasn't happy or terrified or indignant. I was just drained.

That's why she didn't tell me? Because of what happened last time? I felt little tingles of anger come back. That wasn't fair. Last time was an accident, I didn't mean for it to happen. I thought she knew that, but no, she kept me in the dark because she was afraid I'd do the same thing again. Suddenly I was furious.

"Were you _that_ afraid this one would get killed too?" My voice was dripping with sarcasm and I was seeing red.

Her head snapped up and her hand connected with my cheek with more force than I'd ever known her capable of.

"You are _such_ an asshole, Edward. Do you have _any_ idea how long I've tried to put that past me? To come to terms with what happened? Do you know how hard it was for me when I realized what I'd done? Do you know how badly I wanted to die when I found out I'd killed our baby?" She started crying hard.

I blinked, but my confusion stayed in place. "Bella, what-"

"No, no you don't. Because you weren't there. I know you blamed me and I understood that, but you have absolutely no right to talk about the darkest time of my life as if you were talking about a shopping trip. I know it was my fault that the baby died, Edward. But I never meant for that to happen, it was an accident and every day I ask for forgiveness for it. You don't know how hard it was, Edward. In a matter of seconds I managed to lose the two most important things in my life, all because of a stupid mistake." She was shaking and crying so hard she was almost hyperventilating.

I still didn't understand. "What are you talking about? What mistake did _you_ make?" I was fully aware of mine, but I could not for the life of me think of hers.

"I wasn't wearing a seat-belt." She croaked almost unintelligibly. She was right, I remembered that, but I never faulted her for it, it was unlucky, yes, but it was not the catalyst to our baby's death. My veering the car was. Still, that was very unlike her. She always wore her seatbelt. Even if we went just two blocks. She was the daughter of the Chief of Police!

She was obviously very affected by this, so how could I ask her why she wasn't wearing her seatbelt in a tactful manner?

"Why not?" I asked in an almost scared voice.

She inhaled deeply before answering in a rough voice. "You fell asleep, Edward. I don't think you even realize that, because it happened the second your head touched the seat, but you did. I took a test days before but I had just verified the pregnancy that afternoon, everything was already set to celebrate your residency so I decided to wait until the next morning to tell you. I had a onesie made with "Baby Cullen" in the front. It was so beautiful." She started crying again. "I was going to surprise you, I was going to tell you to get me something from the guest bedroom where in the bed you'd find the onesie and a positive pregnancy test. I had it all planned.

"But then you fell asleep and I couldn't wait anymore. I had everything I needed with me in that car and I couldn't have been happier. I took your hand, careful not to wake you and I placed it on my stomach, only it wasn't enough, so I put your hand back and I took off my seat-belt so the baby could really feel you. I lifted my shirt and I put you hand over me again, and I put mine over yours and I felt whole. Our baby was greeting its parents. I was introducing you and I had never in my life felt more complete. But then you started stirring so I returned your hand again, I didn't want the surprise to be spoiled. And then everything happened so quickly I didn't get a chance to put the seat-belt back on. And I was going so fast I couldn't avoid crashing, even if I had tried, but I was so scared for us. I was going to kill us. So I did the only thing I thought of to do, I folded my arms over the baby in an attempt to save it but I failed, I failed and I'm so sorry, Edward. I'm so sorry my impatience killed our baby. I'm so sorry I couldn't protect it. I'm so sorry I was so stupid, I should have waited, I shouldn't have taken off the seat-belt, maybe then, maybe then the baby would've been fine. I'm so sorry, Edward." She was on her knees now rocking back and forth in an attempt to calm down.

She blamed herself.

I remembered the hospital conversation we had had after she found out the baby had died to find any incongruence in her statement. To prove that she had blamed me as she should have, but I couldn't find one.

Yes, she was upset with me for lying to her but she had never, not once blamed me. I just always figured she would have. The only time she yelled was when I apologized for the accident, when I had taken full responsibility for it.

"_You don't get to be sorry, Edward. I won't let you." _

I took it the wrong way, she never meant she wouldn't let me forget my mistake, she meant she wouldn't let me carry a burden that she thought was hers.

And then I left stating that the blame and guilt would be too much, that we could never get past them and her misassumptions were founded. I left her more broken than I had ever realized. I left her thinking that I blamed her too. That I would never forgive her. I left without giving her a chance to talk things through, without hearing what she had to say for fear that the longer I stayed the worse it would be for her. I left her to herself to deal with her shame and her pain. I just went away.

I had killed her too.

I had never in my life felt more miserable. I was such a scum. I broke her more than I ever knew and I made her think she deserved it.

I fell to my knees too and hesitantly went to hug her. She was so absorbed in her crying she didn't even flinch away from me. I closed my arms around her and she sobbed into my shoulder. I bit my lip but the tears flowed freely down my face.

"Bella, I- I didn't know that was how you felt. I always thought you'd blame me. I was the one who caused the accident. Not you."

"But I was the one who couldn't avoid it. I was the one who was going too fast and couldn't regain control." She sounded so pained, so exposed. "I was the one who wasn't enough for the baby. I was the one who lost it."

"Bella…" I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to heal her.

"And then I saw you again. And I missed you so much, Edward. I missed you every single hour of every single day we spent apart. And I wanted to be with you again but I knew I shouldn't. You were probably happy and my reappearance would only disturb your life. It would only bring back terrible memories; I didn't want you to hate me further. So I tried, I swear to you I tried my hardest to stay away from you, but it was so hard, every day I would see you, I would have you at arm's length and I needed you so much. But I had to respect your relationship, I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. I hurt you so much I couldn't begrudge you for trying to make a new life. But then you kissed me and my resolve went out the window, I was with you once more and I would never leave you again. We would heal together, like we should have in the beginning.

"But then I found out about your plans and I knew I couldn't stand in your way. And it hurt me so, so much to leave again, Edward. My life was void of meaning again. I had _just _found you and then I had to give you up. But I did it because I wanted you to be happy again, even if it was with someone else. I love you enough to give you up if that's what's best, Edward. Even if I die in the process. You had a whole other life set up and I couldn't be the reason you didn't get it. Which is why when I found out about this baby I didn't tell you. I never wanted you to find out because then it would only break my heart further every time I saw you happy with your girlfriend." She had regained a little of her composure while speaking.

"What?" To say I was confused would be an understatement. "What are you talking about? What plans? And what girlfriend? I told you I didn't have a girlfriend." How many times would I have to tell her that? I thought she'd believed me.

"You're right. 'Fiancée' would be a much more appropriate label." She started crying again. Had she hit her head? Where on earth would she get those ideas?

"Bella, I told you that night I didn't have a girlfriend. I thought you believed me."

"I did."

"So what changed?"

"I found the ring."

"What ring?"

"The one on your bottom drawer." Her voice was cracking again. How much had she cried in the last day? She would run out of tears. "Since you were at the hospital that night, I decided to wear your old shirts like I used to. And there it was, right in the middle. And I fell apart again. I understood then: You had moved on and I was only going to hurt you in the end. But I felt so stupid for not seeing it before. Why else would you never call me, other than the blame, I mean? Why else would you never talk to me when we were alone? Why wouldn't you tell your family I was staying here? Why else would you wait until I literally had one foot out the door to come close to me? Why else would you have condoms in your night table? But I didn't care, in that second your kiss was enough, I gave in. I went to the hospital to talk to you but I saw you comforting a girl who was crying, and then you smiled and went after her and I knew you really had moved on. So I left in order for you to keep going with your plans. I wrote you a letter that said just that, that you could forget we ever made love again because you were about to get engaged. Because you were already happy and I didn't want to complicate your life. And then I found out I was pregnant and I haven't stopped worrying, like you said I _am_ afraid this one will get killed too. I'm afraid I'll do it." She wasn't crying anymore but she looked much more pained than with a face full of tears.

How many mistakes and misconceptions had we fallen victims of for not talking to each other? It was incredible the amount of miscommunication between us. And the amount of stupidity too. If only I'd read the whole letter I would've known to go after her and set everything straight. But no, I ripped it to pieces and threw it in the garbage without reading it all. I just, once again, assumed what it would say and I was so far off the mark I couldn't blame her for keeping the baby a secret from me. Who in the world would tell me the truth when so much erroneous evidence pointed to my lies?

I didn't understand one thing, though. Why would she say I never called her and why would she tell me about the onesie again when I told her I kept it? Why would she think the ring was someone else's if I told her it was hers?

"Bella, a month after you left the first time, did you get my call? Did you ever hear my message?"

She was confused. "No, my phone broke in the accident. And when I was able to walk around on my own again I went and changed my number. We were sharing a plan, and you can't share a plan with someone who has just broken up with you. Why? What did it say?"

She didn't know. She never heard the message so there was no way for her to know that the ring was hers. That I was proposing to her that night.

I started laughing; I didn't know what else to do. How much bad luck can two people have? She left so I could go on with my botched plans of proposing to her two years prior?

My laughter increased.

"Why are you laughing, Edward? I don't find _any_ of what I've told you even remotely funny." She was close to crying again.

I hurried to explain myself. "No, no Bella. I'm not laughing at anything you said. Of course not. It's just, well it's ironic that you left because of a ring that was destine-"

There was knock on the door. I didn't want to get it but I had to pull myself together, she'd gone through even more than I had, she was still suffering incredibly, she wasn't even enjoying this pregnancy like I was, she was terrified of making another mistake.

I opened the door to find Casey on the other side. The smile on my face froze.

"Hey, Edward." She came in and gave me a hug. "I just came to give you these; you left my apartment so suddenly after we were done yesterday that you forgot them."

In her hands were my phone, my wallet and the shirt I had changed out of in order not to get it dirty or sweat on it while helping her move.

My eyes focused on Bella and the expression on her face made my heart break once again.

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**That was so hard, poor Bella, we never thought about her pain.**

**I'll tell you a little story. I love rubber ducks (check picture on profile) and I love Harry Potter, in fact I love Harry Potter so much my sister's boyfriend calls me Dumbledork (you can laugh, it's funny), so my sister bought me this cute little stuffed duck and I was looking for a name for it and she goes "Oh, it already has a name. My boyfriend named it." And I'm like "What is it?" And she goes "Dumbleduck".**

**So, do it for Dumbleduck? Leave a review to make him happy?**

**Next chapter should be up by tomorrow. Have a great day.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Guys guess what??? I got a Beta!!! Isn't that awesome? She's great, her name's Channy and she jumped through hoops to improve this chapter. Thanks a million.**

**Thanks for reviewing on the last chapter to: Edward's-a-beefcake, fighter419, gg2full, HisInnocentDarkAngel, hoeoverbros, InkStainedFire, MrsDarcyCullen, robbsweetangel, shaz308, skydala and** **vampgurl15. For alerting: fighter419, jouney2002 and VampireXWolf Girl23. And for favoriting it: SimplyK and vampgurl15.**

**Dumbleduck made quite the impression, he got a lot of reviews. Think you can do the same for the Shamrocks? There's lots left.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Baby steps

Things weren't looking too good for me right now.

I had just had the most cathartic conversation of my life with Bella. She had just opened up about everything; her shame and her guilt for losing the baby. About how much she suffered with us being apart, about how whole she felt when we met up again, about how she never wanted to leave again and how much more pain she was willing to endure as long as I was happy, even if it wasn't with her. Then, as I'm about to set the record straight once and for all there's a knock on the door and in enters the very woman that Bella thought I wanted to marry. The same woman whose breakdown at the E.R when we first met had meant three months of torture for Bella and me. The woman whose recount of yesterday's activities didn't help my case of "I don't have a girlfriend" any. The woman whose words could be very, very easily taken out of context.

The woman who was not aware that her words had broken Bella's unhealed heart.

As I said, things weren't looking too good for me right now.

Still, I'd be damned if I let another misunderstanding keep me away from Bella and our baby. I was done with not explaining myself, with letting Bella, or myself for that matter, make assumptions.

I would use Casey to prove my point.

I turned around to find Bella standing up, biting down on her bottom lip to fight the tears. I ran to her and helped her up the rest of the way. As soon as she was stable she made to escape for the bedroom but I held her in place. I waited until her eyes focused on mine to explain the situation.

"Bella." I started. "I'd like to introduce you to someone. This is Casey, my intern and friend. She came to drop off some things I left in her house yesterday after helping her move there. I offered so she wouldn't pay for a truck. We were just finishing when I got Jacob's call and I left without checking if I had everything." Her face, which looked defeated just seconds ago, started to hold a little bit of hope.

"You were helping her move?" She only mouthed the words.

I nodded and smiled. No need to embarrass her in front of Casey with unfounded jealousy. She just looked down.

"Casey." I said turning to her. She looked like she knew she had interrupted something. "This is Bella. My…" Girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Never was fiancée? What? How do I introduce her as? I looked into her eyes again and they were uncertain, she had no label for us either. I'd fix that. "The woman carrying my baby." I couldn't fight the smile that spread through me. I didn't think I'd ever get over that rush.

"You're having a baby? Oh my God, that's amazing. Scott and I have wanted to try for years but we've always had schedule issues. That's incredible, though. Congratulations to the both of you. How far along are you, Bella?" Yes! Yes, this is what I needed, for Bella to hear from someone other than me that I had no girlfriend or anything like it. Of course it didn't hurt that she threw in Scott, either. Bella couldn't possibly think Casey and my relationship was_ that_ open.

"Fourteen weeks." Bella said in a small voice. She was torn between relief and embarrassment. She started blushing. God, I loved her blush.

"Wow." Casey replied.

We all stayed quiet then, all of us processing different information. Casey spoke up first.

"Well, I just came to return these to you. I figured you'd need them. I actually have to go, though. I have a shift tonight. Congratulations about the baby again. I'm glad to see you smile for once. Bella, it was great to meet you and good luck with everything." She put my things on the couch and turned to leave.

"Thank you very much, Casey." For helping me make Bella see sense.

"No problem. See you later. Bye guys." She closed the door after her.

We stayed put. She was looking down and I was looking at her. I wanted to hug her and laugh all our problems away. But I knew we had a lot of other things to discuss. I had over two years of explanations to give her. I owed her being as honest as she had been with me.

"Bella, we need to talk. I need to explain a lot of things to you. Do you want to sit down?"

She went and did just that. She still wasn't meeting my eye. I didn't let that stop me. I took her small hand in mine and began with the explanations that were long overdue.

"Bella, there are a lot of things you don't know. I would start at the beginning but I just want to reiterate something. Casey is not nor has she ever been my girlfriend. That day at the hospital, well, I had just met her literally an hour before, it was her first day. She'd never been that close to the wounded and we had a particularly nasty case and she couldn't take it. She started crying and I went after her to calm her down and tell her to hold on. After you left, she was the only one who didn't ask me every day what was wrong with me. She's very nice, but she's not pushy so it was easy to befriend her. As for my things being in her apartment, well, I already told you the basics, but I'll tell you everything because you deserve to know. Her boyfriend is coming over from Chicago. She used lived there too but she came here first because Scott's company is opening a branch here. She was renting a room but now that he's coming she needed a bigger place. She didn't have that many things so I offered to help her move in order for her to save some money. I took off my shirt so I wouldn't dirty it, so I was just wearing the one I have on right now." I pointed to my soiled T-shirt. "After a while we got hungry so we ordered a pizza. You know I don't believe in letting women pay, no matter what, so I took out my wallet and I forgot to put in back in my pocket. When Jacob called and said there had been a fire in your apartment I dropped the phone in shock. She asked me what was wrong but I just left. I was too scared and focused on your well-being that I forgot to get my things back. She was just being friendly by coming over and returning them."

She nodded her head, taking all the information in.

"As for the ring…" This would hurt. It would hurt the both of us, but I couldn't risk half-truths anymore. "Well, that was for you, love." I said barely above a whisper.

Her head snapped up and her eyes widened. "What?"

"I was proposing to you the night of the accident, Bella. I had it all planned. I had thousands of flowers and candles put in everywhere. I also had a quilt made with our picture. I think you would've liked it." Her eyes were starting to water. "But then you surprised me and I completely forgot about it and then I got drunk. I was having such a good time I didn't want to leave but there was this nagging feeling in the back of my head that kept telling I couldn't get you home. I didn't remember what it was so I just kept enjoying the celebration. When we got to the car I guess I fell asleep, you're right, I don't remember that but it makes sense. When I woke up and saw where we were, just two exists away from our place I suddenly remembered everything and I panicked. I didn't want you to remember your proposal in my state, I wanted to give you the proposal you deserved, with me fully coherent. I wanted you to cherish it and I couldn't let you have just bits of it so I decided that I couldn't let us get home. Not how I was, I figured I would find a way to get home first and clean everything up and then do it another night. But you were too tired to go anywhere else so I stupidly veered the car. I swear I thought we'd make it out, I swear it wasn't on purpose, there was so much I didn't know before I acted: About the baby, how fast we were going, how close we were to the railing, that you weren't wearing a seatbelt. And then I was forced to see you slam into the steering wheel, trying to protect the baby that I didn't know existed and I couldn't help you. You strapped me in and I couldn't help you, we crashed before I could even fully extend my arms. You were so hurt, all because of me so I tried to make it better for you by leaving. I promise that was my intention.

I took a breath before continuing.

"But I never let you talk. Not once. I got it in my head that you would hate me and I removed myself from you before actually having to hear those words leave your mouth. I deserved them, I still do, but I couldn't bear to hear them. So I left. And by doing that I managed to break you even more. I didn't know you blamed yourself, because you shouldn't, it wasn't your fault so I never dreamed that you would think that my leaving meant that I blamed you too. You don't know how sorry I am for that Bella. For all the unnecessary guilt and pain I made you go through…for being too much of a coward to face you. For making you suffer alone." She was crying hard and my voice was cracking but I couldn't stop now, I had to keep going.

"A month after you left I called you. It went straight to voice mail so I left you a message that said all that; the proposal, the apology and everything else. But I also made you a promise; I promised you I would never bother you again. I figured you needed space, I figured you were still angry and that was why you hadn't even bothered to turn on the phone, so that you wouldn't have to deal with my call and my pathetic attempt at an apology. That's why I never went looking for you, because I thought you deserved to move on. And the onesie _was_ beautiful, Bella, so beautiful. I still have it. I buried it in my bottom drawer along with your ring. Everything in that drawer was and still is yours. All those clothes, I never touched them again, I never opened the drawer again because it would only make it harder for me to stay away from you. And that wouldn't have been fair to you. So after I let myself imagine what our baby would look like in that onesie I put it in a box and I placed it on the bottom, letting all the clothes cover it. I asked for our baby's forgiveness for ending its existence and for not letting it meet you. That hurt the most, to know that I had been the one to keep our baby from meeting you, the one who robbed you from your Motherhood. It's unforgivable, Bella. It was unintentional but it was still my fault.

"And just when I was adjusting to having an insignificant existence I ran into you again. I couldn't believe it. No calls, no news, and no nothing for over two years and all of a sudden there you are. Right in front of me; as devastatingly beautiful as always. No, that's not true; you were even more beautiful than in my poor memories. I had you again, you were unconscious but that didn't matter to me, I had you in my arms and I felt whole again. I felt complete again, you were all I needed. You made me smile again that day. I hadn't smiled since I left you in the hospital. Two and a half years of controlling my emotions and just from looking at you they all came back tenfold. You brought me to life again. And I was so happy to see you again. I knew I shouldn't have been but I was. I missed you more than you can imagine, Bella. I didn't allow myself to remember you but I prayed for you every night. I prayed to one day see you again, to talk to you again, just to be in front of you one more time. I asked our baby to look over you from Heaven, to skip me but to watch you.

"And because I wanted more than I deserved I lied to you. I couldn't handle thinking you were happy with someone else, even though you completely deserved it. I'm far, far too selfish to see you with someone else, Bella. I'm sorry, but I am. I could never have given you up to someone other than me. I could've never done what you did. Even though I know you deserve it and I don't. So when I thought you were living with Jacob I decided I wouldn't let you know that I'd just been waiting for you all that time and I had never and would never move on. So I came up with the lie that hunts me to his day. The lie that took me from everything I waited so patiently for. When I found out the truth I wanted to slap myself for still being so stupid. For reacting instead of thinking. For being so impulsive. That's why it took me so long to approach you. I knew you would never be with me if you thought I was with someone else but I didn't know how to begin to tell you the truth. There were so many things you needed to know. So I kept my distance. But I was biding my time, I was coming up with a plan to tell you everything and then my family showed up and they took you from me. And then you healed and I lied like I never had before because I couldn't bear to see you leave. And you agreed; you gave me two more weeks that once again didn't make any difference. I had you here, in our home again and you were being taken away from me. When you finally healed there were no excuses left for me to hold on to. There was nothing to make you stay. So I was watching you leave and I knew you wouldn't come back. We'd made no progress in all that time so it wasn't like we'd meet up to chat. I was forced once again to see you do something I didn't want you to do and I wasn't going to be able to stop it. But then you talked, you talked so quietly I couldn't have been sure that what I thought you'd said was real but it didn't matter. That was my chance, my golden opportunity to be one with you again. And I took it greedily. You let your guard down and I took advantage of it. I made love to you in hopes of making you want to stay forever. And you would have, that's the ironic part, you would have stayed if only we had talked sooner."

She was crying badly, the tears kept flowing down her face. That wasn't good. A pregnant woman should never suffer so much; she should never shed a tear in pain. I went to wipe her tears with my thumbs and then tentatively went to hug her. She didn't pull away; she put her arms around my neck and buried her face on my shoulder.

"Shh, Bella…calm down. You can't keep crying; it's not good for you or the baby. Please calm down." I started rubbing her back and rocking us slightly back and forth.

"Edward, I so wish that could've happened. I would've said yes in a heartbeat, even with you drunk. I would've loved to have been your wife." She was talking in past tense and I understood why. It was the same reason I didn't propose to her again right now. We were still hurting. We weren't healed yet. She was dealing with so much more that I ever did and forcing a relationship with me on her wouldn't help. Maybe someday, after we had managed to let all the guilt we each felt be put behind us, maybe there would still be a future for us. But right now, right when our wounds were still bleeding, we couldn't. We needed time to be ourselves again.

"Bella, I want you to know something. I understand you're scared because I am too, of many things. I'm scared of hurting you again. And as much as I want us to be the people we used to be I know we have a long road ahead of us for that to happen. That's why you're so reticent to be affectionate with me again. And that's okay. You take your time to heal and I'll do the same. Whenever you're ready we'll see what happens. I know we're unlabeled right now and that's fine. I can live with that. But you should know that as much as I understand we can't seek a relationship right now I'm still going to be there. For every Doctor's appointment, for every baby store trip, for every midnight craving, for everything, no matter how small you think it is, I'll be there. Do you understand?"

She lifted her head and her tears had started drying. "Yes. Edward, I'm so sorry. For keeping the baby a secret from you, for not talking things out, for not asking questions. But I'm mostly sorry to agree with you, I wish I could say that we can make a relationship work right now, but I can't handle that at the moment, Edward. Like you said, I have to heal first and so do you. I love you, I do. But we need to take things slow, which is ironic because I'm already pregnant." She laughed a little. "But we need to take baby steps, I understand that and I'm so glad you do too."

"Of course, although you should know, I'm not letting you go anywhere, you're staying here. You'll take the master bedroom and I'll take the guest's but I am not going a day without seeing you or without watching our baby grow." I smiled, she nodded.

I went to give her a hug again and we stayed like that for a long time. We were just holding each other, letting the other know that we were there, that we would always be there.

"I love you, Bella." I expected a quick reply from her but it didn't come. I went to look at her face and saw her fast asleep. I smiled a little and laid her down on the couch. I stood up and then went to pick her up, careful not to jostle her too much. I laid her on the bed, took her shoes off and unbuttoned her jeans. I got to my knees then; I lifted her shirt a little higher and stared at her little bump and then very carefully placed my hand over it.

I couldn't believe that I had actually done this with the other baby. I didn't remember it but I had been introduced to it. It had known me as its Father. I let that thought comfort me a little.

This baby, this pregnancy was our second chance. It wasn't by any means a replacement of the one we'd lost. It was our chance to do things right like we should have with the first one. I ran my hand over the tiny bump, it was so small, so petite, but it made me happier than the biggest wrapped gift. It meant there really was a baby growing there, and while it would probably take after Bella and be small in size, it was growing and it was starting to show. Soon enough there would be no hiding it. I couldn't wait.

I came a little closer and placed a little kiss on the belly. "Hi baby. I'm your Father. I can't wait to see you, you're going to be so gorgeous, just wait and see. Please be nice to Mommy, Ok? I'm sorry I made her sad today, but I won't anymore. I swear. She's amazing, we're both lucky to have her, but I'm the luckiest because I have both of you. I never thought I'd see her again, I did some very silly things, but she gave me another chance and now here you are and I'll never be able to finish giving thanks for it. I love you so, so much. I'm going to spoil you rotten, you'll get to do whatever you want, as long as Mommy doesn't find out."

I could've spent forever talking to my baby but Bella started stirring. "I have to go now, I don't want to wake Mommy up, and you should sleep too, it's been a long day for you as well, but I'll come back tomorrow, Ok? And I'll tell you all about the people that will love you. Goodnight, sleep well." I kissed it again and ran my hand over it one last time. I straightened up and went to grab a blanket out of the closet and draped it over Bella. I went to her face and touched my lips to her forehead.

"Goodnight, Bella. Sleep well too."

I grazed a finger to her cheek and then left for the door with a smile on my face.

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It was about to be 9 o'clock and I had just finished making Bella breakfast. I had also gone to the store and gotten her a bouquet of mixed flowers, I realized I never actually told her I was happy about the baby, it was obvious but I wanted a little gesture to let her know.

I made my way to her room with the bouquet in one hand and a tray on the other. I opened the door slowly and walked in, she was stirring when I walked in so I rushed to her side. I was about halfway there when she opened her eyes suddenly.

"Bella."

"Get out!"

What? I thought we'd made progress yesterday. I thought we were okay. "Why? Bella I-"

"Edward, please get out!"

Well fuck, would things never be okay with us, then? "But I made you br-" I didn't get to finish, she got out of the bed and ran past me with impressive balance with her hand clamped on her mouth at lightning speed and went for the bathroom. I dropped the flowers and the tray and went to her. She was hunched over the toilet. I held her hair so it wouldn't get dirty and started rubbing circles on her back. After a few minutes she lifted her head. I stood up and offered her my hand. She took it and went to rinse out her mouth. After she was done she washed her face, it had gotten a little teary from all the heaving she'd done. She turned to face me and she started blushing.

"Sorry, it's subsiding, it is. It's just…"

"The smell was too much?" She nodded and went to bite her lip. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you sick, I didn't know you still had morning sickness or I would've never burst through the door with all of that." Ah, crap. Day one, strike one.

"That's okay. It's over now." She left the bathroom and went to the living room. "Good morning by the way."

"Morning, so what do you feel like doing today?" I wanted her to eat, but she would kill me if I even hinted it. I would have to do something about the morning sickness, though. Find something to help her through it, there must be something out there.

"Well, I suppose I have to get some clothes first and foremost. I've been wearing this forever… A toothbrush wouldn't hurt either."

"Do you want to get anything for the baby?" I asked excitedly.

"Not yet." She dropped her head.

"Bella, can I ask you a favor? Can you please enjoy this pregnancy? Look, I know you're afraid of something bad happening but you can't worry your way through this, you have to enjoy it. It could never happen again and you deserve to be happy about this. You _are_ happy about this, right?" She had to be. How could she not be?

Her head snapped up. "Of course I am. It's just, well, it's hard to let go. What if something bad does happen, Edward? You can't guarantee it won't and if I let myself hope and make plans and then in the end they don't come true I don't know what I would do. I can't go through something like the last time again, Edward. I wouldn't survive that again." Her eyes were watering up. I went to her and hugged her. It made sense for her to be hesitant but I could not let her miss out on this experience, even if I had to call for backup.

"You know Bella; I think we should tell my family. It's better they hear it from us than if they just come and see you here." Although, I was only doing it because I needed help to get Bella to enjoy the pregnancy and I knew Alice and my Mother would make that happen. But I did not, under any circumstances want to hear Emmett's comments.

"_Well Emmett, the day she was leaving Bella and I slept together, she got pregnant but she left the next day because she found the ring that I was proposing to her with and thought I was with someone else. She hid the pregnancy for the same reason but then her apartment burned down and I brought her here to live with me. And even though she is pregnant and living with me and we love each other we've decided to take things slow."_

Yes, baby steps indeed.

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**Shamrock review? Regular review? Any review?**

**Next chapter will be worked on today and possibly uploaded tomorrow. Have a great day.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Guys I am so terribly sorry, I know I said I would update Friday but I just couldn't until now. Sorry.**

**Thanks for last chapter's reviews: Edward's-a-beefcake, fighter419, HisInnocentDarkAngel, InkStainedFire (whose review prompted an idea for the Shamrocks left, please read note at bottom), robbsweetangel and shaz308. **

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**Special thanks to Superstargirl818 for reading in one sitting, reviewing per chapter and favoriting the story. Means a lot.**

**Also thanks to Channy, my Beta for improving the chapter immensely and actually giving a tiny rat's ass about whether I eat or sleep. And for being technologically savvy. Thanks so much. :)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Difficulties

After our talk she went to get ready for a shower. I went to her bedroom to clean the mess I had created when I'd dropped the tray. I did not want any lingering traces of smell making her sick again, especially if she hadn't even eaten yet.

It took me a while because I only used water to avoid the smell from cleaning products but in the end the strawberry jelly stain left the carpet.

I went in the kitchen to wash the dishes and put the food back in the fridge when I saw her coming out of the laundry room clad in nothing more than one of my button down shirts that was so big on her it covered everything it had to. I stopped dead in my tracks, her hair was drying loose on her back and the first three buttons of the shirt were undone, leading down a very familiar path, her legs looked smooth and creamy and inviting, just a little hig-

Baby steps!

I had to reign myself in. I couldn't do this to her. I couldn't treat her like a piece of meat. I had to be the gentleman I was brought up to be. But it was so hard, I didn't want to be a gentleman at the moment, I wanted to be her lover, I wanted to have the right to want her, I wanted to run my hands freely down her seemingly velvet legs, I wanted to rip that shirt open and love her. I wanted to-

"-do you?" Damn, she talked and I completely missed what she was saying because I was ogling her like a pervert. I had to get over this.

"What?" I squeaked while forcing myself to look into her eyes. I cleared my throat.

"I took your shirt because I have no clothes here and I'm washing my pants and underwear. I also borrowed one of your boxers, I had to fold it a few times but it's better than nothing. I can take the shirt off if you want, though."

"No! No, no Bella, please don't take it off." She'd kill me if she did. "Why don't you keep it? It looks better on you anyway."

She blushed and nodded.

She wasn't helping me, her blush was just as hard to resist as the rest of her.

We stood there for a while not saying anything.

"Are you feeling any better?" Yes, her health, I should focus on her health.

"Yeah, the nausea usually leaves after I'm done paying homage to the porcelain God." She rolled her eyes but a little smile was tugging on her lips.

"Oh, do you think you could eat something? You haven't eaten in quite a while. That's not healthy."

"Um, maybe a little later. I normally eat after an hour or so of being sick." She was biting on her bottom lip, softly, just barely and oh so innocently. Oh, God, this wasn't going to work. I couldn't do baby steps, it was too hard. I started healing the second I told her everything, the second I cleared the air. What the hell was I thinking suggesting we take things slow?

I was thinking she needed it. I was thinking her pain was far greater than my need for her. I was thinking she deserved to be complete and happy again. I was thinking it was her choice if we ever got together in that sense again. I was thinking our child needed healthy parents.

There, that was the biggest reason I would suggest and suffer the torture of being close to her but not with her again and again: She and our baby needed it.

Baby steps were most definitely doable.

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We were walking up to our building to get home after going to buy some clothes for Bella. We had a hard time deciding what size she should buy, she still fit in her regular clothes but she probably wouldn't for much longer. After much consideration and endless advice from different sales attendants and patrons we decided to get clothes only in the next size up, we didn't know how fast she would grow and even though I suggested we get only maternity clothes she told me she wouldn't fit in them just yet. I could wait, though. And I'd do it with a smile.

On our way to the elevators I remembered something. "Bella, aren't you hungry?" When the hell would I stop making mistakes? How could I forget she hadn't eaten yet?

"A little." She lied pathetically.

"Do you want anything in particular?"

"I can just cook." She was lying, she was being shy. Did that mean she actually wanted something specific?

"Bella," I asked with a little smile. "Are you _craving_ something?" Yes! The one part of this pregnancy in which I could actually be of use. I would get her whatever she wanted and as many times as she wished.

She bit her lip and nodded a tiny nod. She started blushing.

I put the bags down on the floor and went to hug her. "It's okay, you don't have to be embarrassed, it's only normal, in fact it's good, it means things are going as they should." I placed a little kiss on the top of her head. "What would you like?

"Mexican." I heard her say into my chest.

"Okay, do you want to go out or have it delivered? Or I could go pick it up if you want."

"Can we have it delivered? I'm too tired to go anywhere else and we're already here." I smiled down at her and nodded.

The elevator doors opened and I let her go so she could get in. I went to pick the bags up from the floor and got in after her.

I pulled out my phone and dialed the number of the Mexican restaurant Bella and I ate at a few times before. "Same thing?"

"Plus extra chips and guacamole and a large drink." She was starving. Why didn't she mention it before?

The restaurant picked up and I began our order: chicken fajitas, one junior steak burrito, a cheese quesadilla, and an extra bag of chips and guacamole with two large drinks.

By the time I was done giving all the information we had reached our floor. I hung up the phone and extended my arm for her to get out first. We started walking the little hall to get to our door. She was looking at me weird as if she wanted to say something.

We reached our door and she got the keys out. "What is it?" I asked when she was still giving me surreptitious glances.

"You didn't giggle."

"Huh?"

She turned the knob but left the door ajar and turned to face me.

"You just ordered Mexican food and you didn't giggle."

Is that why she'd taken so long to tell me what she wanted to eat? Because I would laugh?

She made to get inside but I stopped her. "Bella, please don't feel like I won't take what you tell me seriously or that you need to lie or hide your cravings or needs. I promise I won't let my immaturity for certain words keep me from feeding you or our baby, okay?" I smiled down at her and she smiled at me while nodding. Her eyes were a little moist.

She turned around and we went inside, only to stop dead in our tracks.

I did a quick count: Eleven, eleven people were in our living room. All wearing the same mask of shock that I'm sure matched Bella's and mine.

Had they heard?

"You're pregnant?" A little whisper said.

Yes, yes they had.

And that did it; that unfroze us all. "You're pregnant?" was shrieked by my Mother, my Father, Bella's Mother, Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Jacob, Leah and Seth. Hollered by Bella's Father and completely ignored by Alice.

Instead she was looking resentfully at the bags in my hands. "You went shopping without me?" She asked truly hurt.

"Focus on the bigger picture Alice." Said Rosalie.

Bella blushed ten shades of red and sent me a panicked glance.

Oh, well. They all knew now. There was no point in hiding it. I took her hand and started rubbing soothing circles on it. I inhaled before speaking.

"Yes, Bella's pregnant and yes, Alice, we went shopping without you. I suppose you're all here because you heard about her apartment burning down and you were worried, you don't have to be, she's fine and so is the baby." I smiled again.

All the women in the family started spewing questions at us before realizing we couldn't understand what they were saying and rushing to hug us. I dropped the bags and went to protect Bella from overzealous tackles. They pushed me away and engulfed her.

And then I was left with all the men: four of them happy, one mischievous and the last one torn between anger and shock.

"Congratulations, son." My Father came up to me and hugged me. Jasper, Jacob and Seth followed.

"Edward, that's great news."

"I thought you guys knew." I said to Jacob and Seth. They lived with her, didn't they?

"Well, Leah and I moved out about two months ago. We figured it was high time to get a place of our own."

"Yeah and me… well, I'm not the most observant person around." Said Seth.

So no one knew. The first person to find out other than Bella was me. Somehow that seemed fitting, appropriate even.

"Edward. A word, please." Charlie said in an ominous tone.

If things got too intense, could I charge him with breaking and entering?

He made to go to the kitchen and I followed. He turned around sporting a frown and tightly pressed lips.

"Edward. I know Bella loves you and I'm pretty sure you do too. But for some reason she was hurt two and half years ago and you weren't there. I do not doubt your commitment to her or your baby but it would help me sleep better at night if I knew your intentions with her."

Ah, fuck. What do I say? I intend to take things slow until she gives birth?

"Well, sir. I intend to be there for her in any way she allows me. I intend to watch over her and our baby and I intend to ensure that she is never hurt again as she was before."

Something in my answer must have changed his perception of me because he nodded. It was a tiny, little nod that was almost imperceptible but it was a nod that let me know he believed and trusted me. That he acknowledged I would do what I had promised to do.

"In that case congratulations and take care of them both, Edward."

"I will." I wanted to smile, this was a huge step for us, but could I? Should I? I better not risk it.

We came out of the kitchen to find Bella now being hugged and congratulated by the men. Jacob and Seth were inquiring as to why they weren't told before. Bella stayed quiet biting her lip.

I went up to her and placed my hands on her shoulders. "We just found out." I smiled at them and kissed the top of her head. She took one of my hands and squeezed it quickly before taking hers away again. Had that been some form of "thank you"?

Emmett called my name and I set Bella down on her seat before going to him. Everyone else started sitting down as well and making baby related small talk.

When I reached Emmett he had a grin from ear to ear. That couldn't be good. "So, Eddie-boy…I'm happy for you." I was about to give him whole-hearted thanks when he kept talking. "You finally popped your cherries."

Emmett could be such an ass.

"Emmett, please don't say things like that in front of Bella. Or anybody else within hearing range, for that matter, myself included." I would not let his jokes make Bella uncomfortable or devalue the situation. "Besides, what do you mean "finally"? You know full well Bella and I were intimate before." Our cherries had been popped long ago.

"Well, yeah but Eddie, you guys spent so long apart I'm positive your cherries grew back out." He laughed.

Yes, ass indeed.

The food finally arrived and Bella was too hungry to wait for the next batch we had ordered for everyone else. Everyone understood. We talked for the rest of the afternoon, the most popular topics were the pregnancy and consequently the baby. That line of questioning though took us down a perilous road. They were all wondering if we were together. It was hard to explain, because none of them knew all the details, but in the end they understood our convoluted agreement. That we would live and prepare for a baby together but only restart a relationship when we felt we could.

After a few hours they started leaving. Congratulating us and hugging us once more. Alice threatened Bella and Rosalie with plentiful shopping trips, starting with one tomorrow morning to take advantage of my Mom's and Renee's stay. Bella didn't even try to fight it, she knew nothing kept Alice away from a store, "You're less likely to suffer if you just give in.", she said.

Bella's Mom and Dad both hugged her and told her how relieved they were that she was unharmed and how happy they were about the baby. Charlie didn't look exactly happy but at least he didn't contradict Renee.

Once they were all gone I went to clean up the living room and sent Bella to lie down for the night. She looked extremely tired, she had been ready to go to sleep as soon as she'd eaten but she fought it because we had guests that remained oblivious to the way her blinks lasted a little longer than they should. She needed her rest, especially if she would be forced to shop with Alice tomorrow.

I had an ulterior motive though. I figured the sooner she went to sleep the sooner I'd be able to talk and feel my baby. It's not that I was doing it in secret it's just that our "unlabeled" status didn't exactly enable me to spend as much time talking to the baby as I wanted. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable so it was better this way. Plus, I got to say good night to it. And since I planned to be there for every midnight feeding, the sooner the baby got used to my voice, the better.

Half an hour later, with everything put back in place, I entered her room quietly. She was wearing one of the pajamas we got: blue silk shorts and a camisole. She was killing me, she looked so ravishingly delicious lying there, relaxed and comfortable with clothes that hung to her every curve and made visible the smallest hint of a bump. Her hair was covering her ear and it came to rest on her chest. She looked at peace and she looked good doing it.

Such are the difficulties of enforcing living arrangements with someone you're not entirely allowed to want. In the most ungentlemanly ways, no less. But it didn't matter, I remembered why I'd wait for her and as fast as it came, that errant thought left. For the baby, I'd wait for her for her and our baby's sake. I fell to my knees again in what already felt like a tradition: talking to my baby and wishing it a good night.

I lifted Bella's camisole just enough to fully see the little bump and I ran my hand tenderly over it. "Hey, sweetie do you remember me? It's Daddy." I smiled. "I was reading a book earlier today and guess what? Your hair is starting to grow now. Can you try to make it chocolate brown like Mommy's? It would be so beautiful, but it's okay if you don't want to, you can have your hair any color you like, I'll still love you more than anything else. You want to know a little secret? I already love you as much as I do your Mommy, and that's a great feat, because I love your Mommy more than anyone has ever loved anything before. And my love for her only increased when I learned about you.

"Are you okay in there? Are you having fun? Can move your little fingers and toes and maybe suck on your thumb? I bet you can. Before I forget, I wanted to say thank you. You made your Mommy crave food today. Can you try to do that as much as possible? It's the only thing in which Daddy can help. Can you do that for me? Let me help her? She's too shy to ask on her own so I need you as my ally, Ok? But we have to keep it between the two of us, alright? Don't let Mommy know I asked you.

"Guess what happened today. Everyone found out about you. Even your grandparents and they live a few hours away. You're going to spend tomorrow with your Grandmothers; they're probably going to want to feel you to let you know how much they love you. They're all happy and excited about you. I think you'll like them, even your Uncle Emmett." I laughed a little. "He's a bit of a dummy but he likes kids a lot, he's a Pediatrician, that's a doctor, like Daddy, but he makes kids stop being sick, Daddy makes adults feel better. Maybe you'll be a doctor too someday. Or a newspaper editor like Mommy and you'll get to work from home. That'd be fun wouldn't it?" Bella started shifting and I begrudgingly took it as my cue to leave.

"I have to go now, sweetie, Mommy might wake up, but I'll be back tomorrow and we can talk all about your shopping experience with your Auntie Alice, and how you like your Grandmas. I love you, remember that. And please, keep our deal? Make Mommy crave food that Daddy can get for her? Goodnight baby. We'll talk tomorrow." I lifted from my knees and went to place a kiss in the middle of the bump with smiling lips. I couldn't wait for when the baby was big enough to actually respond to my words, for its first kick. I hoped I wouldn't miss it.

I got to my feet and once again I went to get a blanket from the closet to drape Bella with so she wouldn't get cold. I went to her forehead and pressed my lips gingerly on it.

"Goodnight Bella, I love you too."

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The next weeks passed quickly. Bella's morning sickness had still been present but it had almost immediately subsided when she started using the Morning Sickness Kit I'd found online and ordered promptly. It was an all natural kit that included drops, therapops, teas, chews and hard candy. And while Bella had been doubtful at first as soon as she had started using it and seen that they indeed helped she had not been off them.

Bella was just finishing her 19th week. She couldn't hide her stomach anymore, not that she wanted to. It was still small but its meaning was undeniable. She was halfway there. She wasn't publicly affectionate with the baby and I was sure it was because she was still afraid of something bad happening, but sometimes, when she thought I wasn't looking I saw her gazing at the belly and running a hand lovingly over it while whispering low enough for only them to hear. They were heartbreakingly beautiful moments and I kept quiet because I didn't want her to stop.

We were doing much better, we had settled into a routine. We weren't back together yet but things weren't as awkward as they had been at first.

The baby had complied, it had made Bella crave every possible thing in existence and I'd gladly gone out to get them for her. I loved watching her face glow when she knew her cravings were being realized, and the small widening of her eyes when she took in the sights in front of her, some combinations were… different, but I still loved that she truly enjoyed those moments.

The baby had started moving, it hadn't kicked yet but if you pressed your hand against the belly you could almost feel it shifting or gliding. It made me smile. The last six weeks had been a treasure to me; I had literally sat in front of Bella and watched our baby grow. It was incredible. I liked to think it was responding to my voice when I talked to it at night but maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.

I had gotten a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and had read to the baby from it. About its development up 'til that week and about every other thing I could think of. I started describing all the places I would take it, all the people that would love it and all the foods that it would like. I skipped baby food, no one likes that and I wouldn't lie to my child.

True to her word Alice came over two or three times a week, sometimes with Rosalie, sometimes with my Mother and stole Bella for the entire day to go maternity clothes shopping. We still hadn't gotten anything for the baby yet. Although Bella made a strong case of it being because we didn't know the gender yet I sometimes questioned if her fears had something to do with it.

All of that would change tomorrow though. It was our 20th week appointment and we would find out the sex. I could not wait. I would love it no matter what it was but I could not wait to find out, so I could actually start getting something for it, maybe when we did Bella's reticence would evaporate. I needed to get her to enjoy this pregnancy as much as I and everyone else were. And nothing was more enjoyable or made things more real than getting baby clothes and a nursery set up.

I tiptoed into her room as I had for the past month and a half and took my place; right in front of my unborn child. I went to place my hand on the belly as tradition called and started with the midnight routine. "Hi sweetie, how are you? Are you sleeping?" I waited for a response but there wasn't any. So it was paying attention intently then. That was probably a lie but I wanted to keep talking. "Did you have fun today? Did you like the restaurant we went to? When you're old enough you can go into the playground. They have lots of things you'll like. I'm excited about tomorrow. Do you know what we're doing? Mommy and I are going to the doctor to find out what you are, if you're a boy or a girl. Do you know what that is? Well, long story short it means tomorrow we'll know to decorate your room in either blue or pink. Or maybe green or purple? Which color would you prefer? Do you think you could let Mommy and Daddy know? Do you think you could position yourself the right way so that we'll see? Did I ever tell you that I have an Associate as an Ultrasound Technician? That means I won't need the doctor to tell me what you are, I'll be able to see for myself." I smiled as big as possible.

"But I need your help; you need to be facing the right way. Can you do that for Daddy? Please? And then once we know we'll finally be able to start getting you things. Your Auntie Alice is _dying_ to buy you clothes, your Mommy hasn't let her buy even a pair of booties and she's not used to being thwarted when it comes to shopping." I laughed a little.

As usual Bella started moving. "Mommy's moving baby so I better go. You can go to sleep too if you want, you have to be rested for tomorrow; it's a big day for you. Remember what I asked you and cooperate, okay? I want to buy you things badly too, so please let us see you. Remember I love you and I'll be back tomorrow night to tell you the big news, it's weird but I don't think you even know what you are yet. I'll tell you if you let me see you."

I placed a kiss just underneath the belly button that was beginning to jut out. "Goodnight baby."

And as tradition I got up from my knees, went to look for the blanket and went to Bella's forehead. "Goodnight Bella. Can you believe tomorrow we'll know? Are you excited? Sweet dreams, I love you too." I kissed her as the final part of the routine claimed.

I walked out of the room with a huge smile on my face. Yes, I was excited simply because tomorrow we would know.

* * *

**Aww...**

**PLEASE READ: So guys InkStainedFire asked if you could claim more than one Shamrock. Seeing as the collecting ends on Tuesday and we probably won't get 30 new reviewers between now and then I was thinking: How about all the returning reviewers give me names to put on the Shamrocks that are left? Meaning, if you guys leave a review and you want me to put your Mom's or Dad's or Son's or Daughter's or whoever the hell's name you want down I will, just leave the name on your review. The previous arrangement still holds true of course, any new reviewers get a Shamrock but this way we might actually fill them all. What do you say? **

**I will try to have the next chapter up by late tomorrow or early Tuesday.**

**Have a great day.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Guys, again. I'm sorry. My computer crashed and I had to wait 'til I came to school to update. This is also going to be the reason I'll reply to any reviews until tomorrow, should you leave any. I thank you for them now, though.**

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**Speaking of the Shamrocks, as of yesterday the donation went to the people who needed it. And all of you who cooperated are to thank. However, there are 10 left blank, so feel free to drop a name or two on your review so we'll actually fill them all and I can stop mentioning them. Lol.**

**To my beta Channy, for being so incredibly great. She made a banner for the story, isn't that awesome? Thanks!**

**And last but not least I would like to thank my Mother, for supporting me in everything I do and for not letting me feel the distance you would when living in two different countries. Sunday night she made an international call just to ask me what the name of my story was so she could read it. Seeing as she had never even heard of Fanfiction, it means a lot.**

**Gracias Madre, este capitulo es para usted. La quiero mucho.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Little project

"Isabella Swan." The nurse called from her desk.

We'd been waiting for hours to be seen, not because they were running late but because we were early for our appointment.

I woke up early only to find Bella already up. She was bathed and ready; she was cooking something so she had her back to me. Her hand was resting on her belly and I stopped to take in the sight.

She looked so untroubled, so well and healed. Needless to say she looked absolutely gorgeous. Pregnancy suited her so well, as soon as she'd gotten past her morning sickness she'd begun to have that spark that all pregnant women get, the one that sets them apart and doubles them in beauty. Yes, pregnancy definitely suited her.

"I had a dream about you last night." She was saying in a hushed voice that carried in the quietness of the morning. "I had a dream you were in your Daddy's arms. He's so happy about you and I am too. I know it may not seem that way because I only talk to you when there's no one in sight, but I do love you, I love you so, so much. You're a little miracle, you know. You see the thing is; you would've had an older sibling. But some things happened and that baby is in Heaven now. We never got to find out what it was. I'm going to think it was a boy, though. A beautiful baby boy who would've taken care of you. He still is, I'm sure. He'll always look after you. He would've turned two last December. But he went to Heaven and I'm terrified you will go there right now too. Please stay with us? Please? It would break my heart if something happened to you, which is why I haven't let myself fully enjoy you." Her voice was breaking.

"That's wrong though, you deserve better than that. I'm so afraid of losing you that I figured if I didn't let myself get close it wouldn't hurt as much as the last time if something happened, and I'm right, it would hurt more, much, much more because I would know that I didn't treat you fairly, that I wasn't the Mother you deserved to have. I want to be such a good Mother to you; I swear I'll try my hardest. Just please give me the chance." She sounded torn up and I felt as if her tears were ready to spill.

"You have no idea what you mean to me, you're my little ray of sunshine. Before I found out about you my life had no meaning, I was just existing. And then they told me about you and you brought me back, you gave me a reason to fight, to live. I would live for you, to take care of you and to love you. I used to touch you all the time back then, do you remember? I couldn't feel you yet because you were so small but that didn't matter, I felt you in my heart, I knew we had a bond.

"And then the fire happened. And that was when I realized it was me. I just wasn't fit for Motherhood. I couldn't keep a baby safe no matter how hard I tried. I wasn't meant to have a child no matter how badly I wanted to. All those hours waiting to see if you were okay, you don't know how hard they were. I couldn't believe the same thing was happening again. And then your Daddy came. And I didn't want him to know that I had managed to keep yet another baby from knowing him. I didn't want him to know I was the reason his children would never come to be." Her voice was pained. She lifted her arm to wipe the tears that had fallen and wetted her cheeks.

"He's going to be such a great Father. He can't wait. He'll spoil you rotten, that's for sure. Does he talk to you at night? I think he might. I think he comes into the room after I fall asleep. I always wake up covered, though I could swear I never get it on myself. That's sweet of him, isn't it? He's amazing, you'll love him. So, please, even if you don't want to give _me_ a chance, give it to him. He deserves it. He makes everything better just because he's him. You should see the look on his eyes every time someone even mentions you, it's so beautiful, it's the only thing that keeps me from telling him this, that I'm too scared to even function, it would sadden him. And your Daddy should never be sad, I made him too sad before so I never will again if I can help it."

She had kept so much to herself, no wonder she wasn't healing. She was still cloaked in so much fear that it was suffocating her. But she was being ridiculous, any baby would be lucky to have her as a Mother, because no other Mother would ask their baby to come into the world just to make their Father happy. No one was that selfless.

"We're supposed to find out what you are today. Can I tell you a secret, though? I don't want to know. And it's not because I'm trying not to get close, after the dream I had I could never stay away again, but because I want you to be whatever you want to be. I'll love you no matter what so I see no reason to label you. Not right now anyway. Besides, and this is just between you and me, I'd love to see your Auntie Alice freak out if she heard she couldn't buy anything until you were born." She laughed while grabbing her belly.

"Your Daddy wants to know though, so please face the right way and let him. Can you do that for him?" Her voice held a smile. "I know you will. He's probably going to wake up soon so I should finish breakfast. I love you though, no matter what. No labels, no preferences. You saved my life and that's enough for me." She went to wipe the rest of the tears she had. Then she extended one hand to the frying pan in front of her but kept the other on our baby. She wouldn't pull away anymore; she would start enjoying the unborn baby she'd saved from a burning building.

I waited a few minutes; I didn't want her to know I'd overheard her, even if it was the most beautiful speech I had ever heard anyone give.

"Good morning, Bella. How did you sleep?" I made sure my voice sounded groggy.

She jumped a little but recovered quickly. "Incredibly well." She answered while rubbing her belly. I smiled. She had finally started healing.

After we had the breakfast she made I went to shower. An hour later we were at the hospital, waiting for our appointment. We were two and an half hours early, she tried as much as she could but sleep took over and she fell asleep on my shoulder while I rubbed her arm up and down. She looked so peaceful every time she slept. She started talking incoherently and I smiled.

"Isabella Swan." I heard the nurse call again a little louder.

I went to kiss her cheek. Something I could get away with while she wasn't paying attention. "Bella, love." I decided to push my luck; it'd been so long since I'd called her that. "Bella, we're up." She started stirring and her eyes scrunched closed while she yawned. I smiled again.

"Bella, we're next. Don't you want to see the baby?" I made sure not to ask if she wanted to know the sex. If she didn't want to know then I wouldn't be the one telling her. I still wanted to know, when the time came I would tell her what I'd done for those two years and how I'd learned the gender without our doctor telling me.

Her eyes finally opened and she started blushing a little. "Sorry." She said while getting off my shoulder. I got up and put my hand out for her, she took it and we started walking behind the nurse that would lead us to the doctor's office and the examination room. She didn't let go of my hand, she wasn't holding it tightly like she was afraid I'd disappear, she was holding it like she wanted to hold it, as if it were normal that she did.

We had started making progress.

We reached the office and the doctor stood up. He greeted us and then sat us down to ask us how the pregnancy had been so far. What was normal to happen up until now and what wouldn't happen just yet. He asked if we had any concerns and I went to look at Bella. Her hand was rubbing her belly a little once again; it froze for a second before resuming its actions. She looked up at the doctor and with a clear voice said: "No, everything's great." I squeezed her hand just a little and she did the same in response.

After that the doctor went to take her measurements, they were all within the normal range. He took us to the adjoining room where he kept the ultrasound machine, asked Bella to change and then to hop on top of the bed while he prepared everything.

I was so close to knowing, I would in a matter of minutes and I didn't know what to do. Could I keep my cool? I had to. I couldn't ruin this for Bella.

The doctor started the examination and we began to see our baby. It had changed so much, it no longer resembled a gummy bear, it actually looked like a baby, a small, developing baby but a baby nonetheless.

Ours.

It was so beautiful. The doctor opened the shot and we had a complete side view of it.

"Is that…is it…?" She couldn't finish.

One of the baby's arms was out in front of it; its little fingers were clenched except for the tiny thumb, which was standing up.

"Yes, your baby's giving you the thumbs up." The doctor laughed. "I guess everything _is _going great." He froze the image for a second and printed out a picture of it. Of course everything was going great, but I loved my baby even more for letting Bella know it. I took the picture with the hand that wasn't holding Bella's. I would most definitely be making copies of this. Maybe it could even be our Christmas card.

The doctor went to focus on exact parts: its little head and face that looked absolutely beautiful, its little torso and stomach, its legs and feet, and finally he got a good, but brief shot of the gender. Bella wouldn't be able to tell, _I_ wouldn't have been able to tell if it weren't for those two years. Not all doctors knew how to read an ultrasound.

But I knew, I knew the sex of my baby and the joy that overtook me left me speechless. It made it so much more real, it was a real, little person that was growing in there. That would grow up to do great things that would make Bella and me exceedingly happy and proud.

It was amazing.

"Would you like to know the gender?" The doctor asked.

"No." I hurried to answer. Bella's face turned to mine in what can only be described as shock. "I thought you wanted to know." She was confused, which was good because it meant she didn't suspect I'd heard her conversation with the baby. That I knew she didn't want to know.

"It's still too early to be absolutely sure. Why don't we wait a few more weeks? We don't want to start preparing for something and then learn it was something else." There was no chance of that happening, though. I didn't graduate top of my class for nothing.

"Well okay, if you want to wait, then we'll wait." She tried to hide the little smile on her face by looking down. "But," she suddenly said, looking up. "you're the one in charge of telling Alice she still can't shop." She started laughing and stopped abruptly. "Wear protection." She warned me seriously.

She didn't want me to get hurt. And keeping Alice from shopping for this baby would definitely entitle me to at least eardrum damage. "I will, thank you." I lifted our hands and placed a kiss on hers. She blushed.

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Bella was asleep and I was going into her room for my daily conversation with our child. I had so much to say today.

I knelt down in front of her belly and once again lifted her shirt- careful not to wake her- to avoid any obstruction that would keep my baby from hearing my voice. Seeing as I always had to whisper to let Bella sleep, it seemed necessary. Mostly though, I just wanted to see the belly, it was so lovely, so round and perfect, even with its smallness it was absolutely right. I put my hand over it.

"Hey sweetie. How are you today? I heard your Mommy talking to you. She said so many beautiful things, some of them were a little silly, but her intentions are the best. Did you pay attention? I can repeat them if you don't remember. She started off by saying she had a dream about you, isn't that great? She already dreams about you, she didn't say what you were because she doesn't want to know. She'll love you as you are. She already does love you, so much. You know what she asked you to do? She asked you to come just so I got a chance to meet you. She asked you to please be okay and come join us because I deserved to be happy. We both know it's the other way around, though, don't we? She's the one keeping you safe and warm; she's the one who would give up any right to you if she thought it was best. She's afraid of hurting you. She talked to you about your older brother, I'm going to think about him as your brother too. You would've learned so much from him. But don't worry because he is taking care of you, he always will. He'll be you're little guardian angel. When you're older, much, much older you'll get to meet him. Not now though, if you can do anything for us, please don't leave us now. You have to have a happy life first. After that you can meet him. And your Mommy will be there with the two of you." I smiled. My eyes were stinging, though.

"So, I found out about you today. Mommy doesn't want to know so I'll make sure not to tell her. But I know and I'm so happy. And your Mommy will be too when she learns. I was thinking about something and I wanted to ask your opinion about it. What do you say we surprise Mommy? We don't let her know what you are until you're born, but when we come home she'll see that I turned my bedroom into your nursery. I want it to be a complete surprise so I'll do everything myself, I won't ask anyone for help, because they might ruin it and tell her. Besides, it's the only thing I can do for you at the moment. Mommy's the one taking care of you, so I'll make sure to get you the softest mattress and make you the most beautiful nursery. One that you and your Mommy will love. Is that alright with you? Do you want Daddy to make your nursery? It'll be our little project. I was thinking about it and I think I'll do it in mostly beige. I don't want it to be too clichéd, you know? I was thinking about doing everything in soft white or beige. But I was looking at wall paint and I found the most amazing color for it, I think you'll like it. I forgot the name of it but I wrote it down so I can get it. It's a soft-"

I didn't finish because Bella woke up suddenly and sat up on the bed, gasping.

"Are you okay? Bella what's wrong? Does something hurt? What is it?" I was panicking; this wasn't part of the routine. Tears started forming in her eyes and I went to sit on the bed reaching out for her. "Love, what's wrong? Do you want to go to the hospital? What is it? Please tell me." I started looking over her, nothing seemed out of place. I went to look for any signs of blood and thankfully there weren't any. So what was it? Had I touched her too hard?

"Edward. It was so horrible. I was having a dream about the baby. I was looking at you holding it and all of a sudden flames came out of nowhere and you two were engulfed and I couldn't help you. And I was trying so hard but the fire was too intense, I couldn't see you, I couldn't save you." She started crying harder.

I would wake up startled too if I had that nightmare, especially if I had lived part of it before.

My grip on her tightened and I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "That's horrible Bella. But it's okay. It was just a bad dream. It's not real. Please relax, love. Please calm down. Do you want me to go get you some water?"

She didn't let go. "No, no, please stay Edward. Please. I know it was a dream but you don't know how scary it was, almost as scary as the real thing was." Her tears kept falling and I went to wipe them. "Can you stay with me today? Please?" She pleaded in a whisper.

"Of course, love. And I'll do it as many times as you need me to. You don't have to wait for a bad dream to ask me to stay." I hoped she wouldn't, I hoped she asked me because she wanted me to as well. She nodded and thanked me. I let go of her so she could lie down and went to get her some water to calm her.

I got on the bed and she came close to me, she put her head on my shoulder like she used to do before. I went to hold her like I used to and brought her closer. I placed a kiss on top of her head. My other hand felt empty though. I wanted to be touching the baby. I had never had our conversations interrupted so abruptly.

"Bella?" I asked in a near whisper. "Do you think I could touch the baby? Would you mind?" She'd kill me if she said no.

Her face went to me and her eyes locked on mine. She looked almost ashamed and new tears were threatening. She was smiling, though. "Edward, you don't have to ask for permission. This is your baby too and I'm sorry if my attitude kept you at bay. I never meant to put any sort of distance between you. Or make you feel restricted. Please believe me, that was never my intention." Her tears were falling again; I reached my hand out to her beatific face to wipe them away again. No matter how many times she hurt, I would be right next to her helping her heal.

"You didn't. It was me. I did it out of respect, I guess. I figured the last thing you needed was me attached to your belly. It was the situation that kept me at bay, it was never you." I smiled down at her and saw more tears falling. These weren't pained tears; they held emotion, like she was moved by my words.

Slowly she reached forward and took my hand in hers and placed it right in the middle of her belly, with hers over mine. We both went to look down at our hands. They looked so right there, together, with our future underneath us.

Tangible.

Bella moved her hand to place it on the belly too. And it was in that moment, in the exact moment the baby felt both its parents for the first time that it decided to kick. It was a small, tiny nudge that was almost asking if everything was okay now. But it was all Bella and I needed to know it would. The smile on her face took my breath away.

"Did you feel that?" She asked in an awed whisper.

It took me a second to answer her; I was caught off guard with the joy radiating from her.

"Yes. I think the baby's letting you know it doesn't want you to worry. It's telling you everything's going great." I smiled at her and she did the same.

We stayed up for a while longer trying to feel the baby again. It didn't move anymore, it had been on a mission, to let Bella know she should stop worrying and to let me be there for the first kick. Such a smart child.

We fell asleep with her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, my cheek on her head and our hands on our baby.

That was the night I had begun to stop paying for my sins. I'd begun to be forgiven.

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"Edward, please? I promise I won't tell her, just please tell me what's in the room."

"There's nothing in the room, Alice. I just didn't want you to go in because it was messy. I've told you this a million times, will you never believe me?"

It should be just my luck that when I try to get the decorations into the nursery Alice shows up. I had to shove them into the room and I nearly unhinged the door for closing it so fast. I would most definitely make sure to get that key back.

That happened three weeks ago and still she hadn't let it go.

The nursery was complete now; I had just finished it yesterday night. All it was missing was our baby. But it wouldn't be much longer, just seven little more weeks.

Bella was 33 weeks pregnant now. And I'd never seen her happier. She looked so genuinely content, she touched her belly as much as possible and she didn't mind when I did it either. The baby was moving a lot now, her stomach sometimes shifted from the movement, but she loved those moments because she talked to the baby while asking me to place my hands on her and calm it down. And it did. She thought it was my touch, but I knew it was her voice.

Bella and I sometimes slept in the same room, after the baby's first kick we hardly spent any time apart, which is the reason the nursery took me so long to finish. I did it at night, or when Alice or Rosalie came to take her shopping or for lunch dates. I still talked to the baby, I asked its opinion on everything that I would put on the nursery, it responded with kicks that I would either take as a yes or a no. Because I worked mostly at night though I didn't sleep with her as much as I wanted, I didn't want to wake her up so I slept on the couch. I just made sure that I didn't leave anything lying around for her to find.

It looked beautiful, I had gotten everything a baby could possibly want or need. But I had two favorite items, and they were just as important. They represented our past and our future. We hadn't discussed baby names yet. Not with her conscious anyway. One of the nights I was with her she started talking, she said two names: one for a boy and one for a girl. And they were both perfect. She had named our child in her sleep and she didn't even realize it. So after I looked up the meaning I went to an exclusive baby store and got a simple, silver rattle, which I later had engraved with the baby's name. It was so pretty, so fitting. Bella would love it. I liked looking at it and imagining the child that would hold it. I was so close to finding out.

"Edward! Come on, I'm practically your sister, please tell me, what did you hide in that room?" She was growing hysterical. I wouldn't budge.

"Alice I have to go. Bella had to go downstairs to talk to someone but she'll be on her way back soon and I have to go get ready. We have plans for tonight."

Bella had agreed to go on a date with me. It was a step in the right direction; we were starting to close in on something. Soon, we'd be labeled again.

I got up from the couch and made my way to the nursery. Everything, every little detail was perfect. The baby had good taste.

I walked inside and went to look for the little box in which I kept the rattle. I opened it and pulled out the little velvet tissue to clean it. I started thinking about the baby again, what it would look like, what it would be like, how it would laugh or talk and the kind of things it would like.

I was so absorbed in my daydreaming it wasn't until I heard a little gasp behind me and turned around to find Bella in the room that I realized I'd forgotten to close the door.

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**So how'd you like the Bella/ Belly convo? I really liked it.**

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**Have a great day. Next chapter should be up between Friday afternoon and Saturday morning.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Guys, crap, I'm so sorry. I never meant to take so long. :(**

**Thank you's for the last chapter: DragonLadySage, e. jameson,** **Edward's-a-beefcake, fighter419, hoeoverbros, InkStainedFire, journey2002, shaz308, skydala, vampgurl15 and Viridis73. I also wanted to make a small correction "HisInnocentDarkAngel" is now "LimitedBannerMaker". Thanks for reviewing. Go check out her story.**

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**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Nearly labeled

Shit.

The one thing I'd sworn not to reveal. The one thing I'd made sure to keep a secret for over three months. The one thing she didn't want to know. Ruined because I'd forgotten to close the blasted door, you'd think after all the careful planning and sneaking around in the middle of the night I would've been more careful.

I dropped the rattle into the box without closing the lid and went to her.

I took her into my arms. "Bella. Love, I'm so sorry. I didn't hear you come up; I didn't realize I forgot to close the door. I'm so sorry love; I know you didn't want to know. I didn't mean for you to find out like this…"

She started crying audibly and her shoulders started shaking.

Fuck.

"Edward." She managed in between sobs. "Edward, what's this? Where's your stuff?"

I started wiping off her tears. "Well, I gave all my stuff away. When I found out what we're having I thought I'd turn my room into the baby's nursery, but we don't have to keep it like this Bella. If you don't like anything in it we can change it. I did it alone so I'd understand if it's badly decorated." Her crying intensified. "Bella, love, please stop crying, I'm so sorry. It looks like crap, doesn't it? I should've asked for help. Alice would've known how to do it. I thought it looked nice but if you don't like it we'll change it. We'll change everything. You can pick everything this time, I won't choose anything, I swear. Bella, please, I'm sor-"

Her finger came up to my mouth, effectively putting a stop to my rambling.

Her face came up to mine and even though her tears were still flowing she didn't look sad.

She moved her finger and cupped my cheek. She smiled up at me.

"I love you. You have no idea how much."

So, she wasn't mad? Was she happy, then?

"Bella. Aren't you upset?"

"Why would I be upset?" She was looking around the room again, taking everything in with a little smile.

"Well, I know you didn't want to know, you wanted to be surprised and I ruined that for you."

She turned fast to look at me. "Never say that again. Edward, not only did you manage to tell me what we are having in the most amazing way but you made me fall even more in love with you in the process." She went to hug me. "How did you find out? Did you ask the doctor later? How long have you known? Why didn't you tell me before?" She fired all those questions at me.

"I found out on our 20th week appointment. The doctor didn't tell me, I saw it by myself."

"How?"

"When you left the first time I had to do something to keep my mind off of you to let you heal in peace so I got a two year Ultrasound Technician degree. It was the only thing I thought of to do to help me keep away form you."

"Funny how it turned out to be the thing that brought us closer." She leaned on her tip toes and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. My arms rounded on her waist and I deepened the kiss. It had felt like decades since I'd had her like this, far too long.

When we came up for air I went down to connect my forehead to hers and look into her eyes. She was looking at me like she used to three years ago.

"I love you, Bella. You and our baby."

"We love you too."

I got to my knees but kept our hands in place. "Hey sweetie, guess what? Mommy just found out about you and she couldn't be happier. You should see the look on her face right now. It's so beautiful, just like you will be. I think she likes the room. Wait until she hears that you're the one who helped pick everything with your little kicks." I went to look up at Bella only to find her tears flowing freely again. I didn't wipe them off this time. Those tears were happy tears and always deserved to be shed. One of her hands went to run through my hair.

I smiled. "You brought us together again, sweetie. Thank you. She kissed me again today. Just now. She told me she loves me. She loves me just as much as I love her, just as much as we love you." I went to kiss our baby for the first time with the mother of my unborn child watching. She moved her hand from my hair to under my chin. She was pulling me up.

I got to my feet and went to look at her. She appeared to be too moved to speak. She pulled me in for a strong hug. Her shoulders started shaking again. I just held her.

We stood like that until she calmed down.

Eventually she stopped. She pulled away form me to take my hand and started inspecting the work the baby and I had done.

"This is incredible, Edward. Thank you so much." She was fingering the crib. She lifted up the tiny pillow and went to hold it against her chest. Her eyes were watering up again, she was smiling though.

"Do you really like it?" I hoped she did.

"I love it. Everything…It's amazing." She started to take all the details in then. The soft color of the walls that told you exactly what the baby was; the white and beige finish on all the furniture and bedding. The small book case that held a copy of every one of Bella's favorite books on the bottom shelf, baby books on the middle shelf and little stuffed animals and dolls on the top shelf: the little bear that represented Uncle Emmett, the tiny pixie doll that represented Auntie Alice, the little doctor that represented Grandpa Carlisle, the blue fish that represented Grandpa Charlie, the little plush lion that represented Daddy and the soft, beautiful lamb that represented Mommy. The two little ultrasound pictures that stood proudly in the middle.

She took in the changing table, propped and ready for use. The diapers, the baby wipes, the dry cloths, the diaper genie right next to them. I actually didn't really know what it was for yet, but the sales lady said I would need it, so I got it.

She put the pillow back. She moved us to the closet then.

She opened the door and gasped a little at the sight of what was in.

I had gotten all the clothes I thought a baby would need for the first three months. I wanted to be ready but I also wanted Bella to get a chance to get what she wanted as well.

She extended her hand and ran a finger lovingly through all of them. Her shoulders shook again. Her grip tightened on my hand.

I turned her around and hugged her again. I ran my hand up and down her back and calmed her down. I gave her a little kiss on the cheek and smiled down at her. She gave me a watery smile.

We spent the rest of the afternoon looking over every single item. She cried all the way through it and held our joined hands over her womb, where our baby rested.

I already had her approval of everything when I decided to give her my little special gift: the inscribed silver rattle. I sat her down on the rocking chair and went to get the little box. I took it out and cleaned it again.

She held it carefully. I turned it around for her to read. She took the words in and her head snapped up to mine. "How did you know?"

"You said it in your sleep, love."

"It means "Very holy one". I thought it was fitting, this baby's nothing short of a miracle." She was tracing all the letters.

"I know. I researched it too. And you're right, this baby is a miracle." I got to my knees again and placed my hands on her belly. "A beautiful one."

She came down to kiss me again.

We got up without breaking the kiss. We were heading toward the door. I remembered I wanted to show her something else; my other favorite thing in the room.

I pulled apart and cupped her cheek. "Bella, the morning of our appointment to find out the sex of the baby I walked in on you talking to it. You were telling it you'd had a dream about it. And that you didn't want to know what it was because you'd love it either way. That's why I didn't tell you before. But you also mentioned the other baby, how you would think it would've been a boy, how he was in Heaven now, watching over us. Well, I thought that was true, I know that's true so I decide to put up another decoration you haven't seen yet." She looked confused.

I went to close the door so she could see the back of it.

There, in a frame, was hanging the little onesie she had made for our first baby.

"He can look after the baby from here. They'll be together and get to know about the other. Like the siblings they would've been. Like the siblings they _should_ have been." I got sad, maybe it wasn't such a good idea.

"Edward, I-I don't know what to say. It looks so right. We can't change the past but we can improve the future. He will look after the baby from there. It'll know him as an older brother." She was wiping tears with one hand and running the other gently over the frame.

"It's perfect." She said in a small, broken voice. "Everything is. Thank you so much."

I smiled at her again and wiped the few stray tears. We stood there for a couple more minutes before exiting. We would open the door again soon though. The secret was out and she would enjoy it.

We didn't go out. Our date consisted of us cooking together and talking in bed.

It was the best date of my life.

We made love again that night. She had never looked more beautiful or felt more mine. And I had never been more hers.

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The next morning we went to the nursery again.

She wanted me to show her exactly how I was able to know what we were having. We went through the framed shots and the rolls we got at the hospital. She finally saw it too and more happy tears came.

We debated whether or not to tell our family, especially _Alice_.

Before we reached a decision we had to start our day and I had to leave. I had never been more desperate to quit.

"Daddy's going to miss you so much, sweetie. The picture isn't enough. I like feeling you move in your Mommy's belly. But I'll come back as soon as possible and we'll talk all you want. You can tell me what Mommy says to you, Ok? I love you." I placed a kiss under her belly button and gave the tummy one final caress. I got to my feet to find Bella near tears again.

I smiled and hugged her. "What picture?" Came muffled from her.

"Huh?"

"You said the picture wasn't enough. What picture are you talking about?"

"Oh. Well, since I can't stay with the both of you all day I figured I needed something to remember what was waiting for me at home. So the day after I found you again I made a copy of the picture we got and I put it over my Resident card. So I've been walking around the hospital with the sonogram in front of my chest. Everyone knows. They're all happy. It was the first time practically all of them saw me smile." I grinned again. "When we got the other ultrasound picture I put a copy on the back. I rotate them. I love the second one because of the thumbs up." I started laughing.

She started laughing through her tears. "God, Edward. How did I get so lucky? You really are too wonderful. I love you so much."

She kissed me again. Hungrily.

I take it back. _Now_ was when I'd never wanted to quit the hospital more. I could probably find another job, right?

She must've known my intentions because a few minutes later she broke off the kiss and sent me on my way. With the promise of tonight.

We were definitely back together. Never to break up again. I didn't was us to be just dating, though. As soon as possible I would ask her to marry me. I would make sure she'd have a right to call me her own. I would make sure we created a bond that couldn't be broken.

When I came back she was waiting for me with an amazing dinner and a searing kiss. By the time we pulled apart, the dinner had to be reheated.

After she told me all about her day and how the baby had behaved she asked me about mine. I gave her a broad answer. She didn't need to hear all the gory details.

She ran me a bath to relax. I made her get in with me. I massaged her shoulders; they must've started getting tense. The last weeks of pregnancy were hard because of all the increased weight. I wasn't expecting her reaction. The massage had to run short, I couldn't take her closeness and her moans of pleasure and keep going. I moved us into the bedroom.

And there she laid, naked save for the glistening water droplets that tasted delicious on her skin. She looked divine. Completely ready for Motherhood. She looked healthy and glowing but most importantly she looked happy.

Absolutely blissful.

I made it my mission to kiss dry her skin. She was so sweet, so delectable it was almost a sin.

She wanted more. Hormones were my friends. She always wanted more now that we were nearly labeled again.

I entered her as carefully as possible. I didn't want to hurt her. She wasn't having it. She wanted something form me and chivalry wasn't it, not at the moment. I could do nothing but comply.

We gave the other all we had to offer and we found a climax together. It was nirvana.

As soon as we could, our second dance began. Filled with kisses and caresses and moans. Deep, throaty moans and whimpers of ecstasy that only helped to fuel our systems. Her second release came and I closed my eyes to cherish it. Just a few more pumps and I would join her.

After a few more movements of my hips a third release from her came. This one was much more intense, much stronger than any of the previous one she had ever had before. I smirked and kept my rhythm, she gasped and tensed.

Her grip tightened on my shoulders and I relished her touch. My head snapped back and my eyes tightened shut. Just a little longer now.

"Oh my God." I heard her gasp. My smirk widened.

"Edward, Edward please." She sounded breathless. I kept going.

"Oh God, Edward." I found my release then. After a moment to catch our breaths and a lingering kiss I pulled out of her, throwing my back on to the bed scooping her up into my arms, ready for a deep slumber.

"Edward please look at me." She sounded scared. My eyes flew open and I bent my head to look at her. Had I hurt her?

Her face was a mixture of alert and panic I didn't understand.

"I- I think my water just broke." She said in a small whisper and then went to bite down on her bottom lip. Her eyes watered.

I went down to look at the bed and took in the unmistakable sight of amniotic fluid seeping down her legs and coming to rest on the bed.

Her water had broken. Our daughter was coming.

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**Did you like it? This was one of Channy's favorite chapters so please let her know what you thought of it. Also please, please check out the banner, she worked really hard on it and it looks amazing.**

**You wanna know something funny? There's a new guy at work. His first name's Robert, guess what his middle name is. "Edward", his name is Robert Edward. isn't that weird? He's not chalky skinned but I'll keep an eye out for inhuman speed. Lol.**

**Have a great day and I promise the next chapter will be up by tomorrow.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Children! I actually kinda kept my promise, because I'm positive it's still Tuesday _somewhere_ in the world. :)**

**Anyway, thanks for last chapter's reviews: e. jameson, Edward's-a-beefcake, fighter419, hoeoverbros, InkStainedFire, LimitedBannerMaker, PaigeMishel, robbsweetangel, shaz308, skydala, Team Sparkle and vampgurl15.**

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**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

Not again

This couldn't be happening. This could _not_ be happening.

Bella was only 33 weeks pregnant. I couldn't have sent her into premature labor. Our baby had to grow still; she had to come out when she was ready, not when I'd forced her to.

What if because of my carelessness something happened to her. What if she couldn't handle this yet because she wasn't ready?

What if she needed those extra seven weeks to stay with us?

"Edward." Bella said in a small voice. "What do we do? Should we go to the hospital right now?"

I didn't know what to do. I was scared for our daughter's health. She wasn't supposed to come yet.

I didn't answer. I just stood rooted to the spot. Watching the after-effects of my frenzy.

"Edward." Bella went to sit on the bed and lifted my head to meet her face. She was worried too. "What do we do?"

I was afraid now. I had no proper answer. I wanted to turn back time, to be able to slip into the covers and sleep peacefully with her at my side and our daughter unthreatened. I wanted to forget about the fact that I'd forced the baby to be premature.

"I don't know." I admitted in a small voice. "I don't know what to do." I was lost.

She looked into my vulnerable eyes and her fear was replaced with determination.

She got up from the bed and pulled my hand. "I'm going to go prepare the suitcase. You go take a quick shower. We can't possibly go to the hospital looking like this. After you come out I'll take one. Contractions haven't started so I think we're good. Then you're going to drive us to the E.R. and we're going to see if it's the real thing. If it's not we'll come back and enjoy the rest of the time until it is. If it is then we'll call our families and hope they make it. Okay?" She was taking charge. The fear that crippled me didn't even let me feel ashamed for that. She had a plan and I would follow it because anything was better than the uncertainty I felt right now.

After we were ready to leave my fears realized. Her contractions had started. All the way to the hospital she took my hand in hers for support and I said nothing.

There was a chance the baby would be okay. There was a bigger one that she wouldn't.

Once again I had managed to jeopardize our happiness. Our well-being.

We got to the hospital and she was admitted immediately. She was checked by the Dr. Powell, the OB/GYN. She was already three centimeters dilated. It was expected to be a fast labor and delivery.

The baby was coming much too early and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Time passed quickly and our families came. Bella got excited to see them all there. No one, not one seemed to be concerned. They were all happy. They couldn't wait to see the baby, to hold her and kiss her. They didn't seem to realize that probably wouldn't be a possibility right now.

I tried as much as possible not to let my worries dampen the mood, but it took a Herculean effort on my part. Every time I heard Bella or anyone else talk about how soon the baby would be here, how beautiful she'd be while guessing what her features would be like I wanted to scream. Each word was another tear to my heart, a direct blow.

She meant so much to all of us, Bella and me especially. What would we do if we lost her because she was just too small, because she wasn't ready, because she was still underdeveloped? First I provoke a miscarriage then a premature labor. I couldn't believe how bad of a Father I was. What was I thinking? I should've been more careful, I should've never lost control. I should've made sure she wouldn't be hurt.

Six hours after her water broke Bella was ready to push. My family went to wait outside and I had to fight the urge to go with them. I didn't want to know, I didn't want to be faced with possible complications. I was still just as much a coward as I had been before.

But Bella needed me. No. No she didn't, she wanted me. She had done everything herself today; I'd been absolutely no help. Like she said so long before, I was too scared to even function. But she held my hand and she didn't let go.

She fought against pain and tiredness and after forty five minutes the baby came.

"It's a girl." Someone announced. "3:47 a.m." Said another voice.

"Want to cut the cord Daddy?" Someone asked me and handed me a pair of scissors.

For the first time in my life, my hand shook in a hospital room.

I started hoping again. Maybe she'd be fine. She looked absolutely beautiful even through my tears. I went to wipe them fast so I wouldn't miss a second of my baby's life. Others followed, though.

Her airways were cleaned. We waited but it didn't come. The normal first cry that let you know everything was fine was not leaving her lips.

She made no sound.

Not even one diminutive beautiful breath of life.

Panic started setting in.

They cleaned her airways again and gave her a little flick under the sole of her feet to provoke a reaction. None came.

_Nothing. _

She started turning blue. That's when I realized, her lungs weren't fully developed yet. She couldn't breath on her own.

Panic took over.

In a flurry of movement she was placed in an incubator and tubes engulfed her. So many people started working over her I couldn't see her anymore. They took her away and we were left behind. They had taken all we needed and I didn't know if they would bring her back.

I started crying in shame. It was my entire fault. I would trade places with her in a second. She wasn't meant to suffer. _Ever_. She wasn't supposed to be fighting for her life. She was meant to be safe and warm in her Mother's arms.

Bella didn't even get to hold her.

They finished their work on Bella and left the room. She was confused. She had overexerted herself so much that she missed half of what happened. She noticed enough to worry, though. Anyone would.

"Edward, what's going on? Is she okay? Why wasn't she crying? Where did they take her? Why did they take her? What's wrong? Is she going to be fine? Did you see her? When are they bringing her back? What is it? Edward, please talk to me." She was clinging to my chest with her voice breaking and her shoulders shaking. Her pain and effort forgotten. I clung to her too. I felt like a lost little boy.

"Love, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't even think it was a possibility."

"What are you talking about, Edward? What is it? Is she okay? Please tell me she is." Her eyes were swimming with unshed tears. She was trying to hold on to sanity. The one I'd lost the second I realized her water had broken. My biggest fear was now our reality. The baby wasn't okay. She was taken away from us to be poked and prodded. To be invaded with tubes and medicine. To be treated as a case and not as the little miracle that she was to Bella and me. She wouldn't feel loved, she would only feel scared.

"Well, she was born really early, love. Her lungs are still underdeveloped so she wasn't able to breath on her own when she was born, that's why she didn't cry. They had to give her oxygen to help her breath. She was incubated and then taken to the NICU. They're going to try to help her there."

But would they succeed? I had seen children make it out of the NICU, but none of them had been my own so the despair I felt now had never been experienced before.

Bella's sobs made her start shaking uncontrollably and try as I might I couldn't find it in me to tell her everything would be fine. I couldn't lie to her again. Not about this. I couldn't play with our daughter's life so callously. I would never do that. I was too afraid of what would happen if I did. I didn't want to be punished again.

We feared and cried together until the doctor came in after what felt like an eternity but probably wasn't more than a half hour.

She took in our tear stained faces and our still uncontrolled whimpers.

"Well Miss Swan, Mister Cullen, I'm truly sorry you had to go through this, it's something we don't wish upon anyone. I can imagine the anxiety you're feeling so let me get to the point. The baby's lungs are underdeveloped; she wasn't able to breath on her own so we had to give her oxygen, we're going to do it until she no longer needs it. We also gave her lung developing steroids to help speed the process. The sooner she can breathe on her own the sooner you can take her home. It probably won't be for a few days, maybe even weeks. It all depends on her improvement and how fast it is. She's in the NICU right now. We have people watching her progress. After you're rested Miss Swan you can go see her, but only from the window. She can't be touched right now. She'll get fed through a tube until she heals."

Bella's shoulders started shaking again and even though her tears kept falling she bit on her lip to stop any sound from escaping her.

"Will she be okay?" I asked, fearful of a negative answer.

"Well as I said, we're doing everything we can at the moment. She's very small so we're trying to be as un-invasive as possible. She's not entirely stable yet, like I said she'll probably spend a few days in the NICU before you can even hold her but with the right treatment she should improve. It's still in the early stages though, these next few hours are critical, they'll be the deciding factor, really."

Shit. That's what I felt like. This was so unnecessary. I should've been more careful. I couldn't believe my stupidity had affected an innocent being. I was the reason Bella wouldn't be able to hold our daughter for God knows how long. I had kept another baby from her.

"When can we see her?" Bella's voice was a broken whisper.

"After you're rested. In the morning probably." Bella gave a tiny resigned nod.

"How- how small is she? How much did she weigh?" I asked. She didn't look very big, but my tears had blurred my vision. Maybe she was bigger than I noticed.

"She weighed 4 lbs 12 ounces and she's 17 inches long."

Not even 5 pounds. She was so small. So vulnerable. My hope was leaving me.

The doctor waited a few more seconds but neither on of us reacted. Bella was holding me as tightly as she could. She needed me to be strong for her. She needed me not to break.

I didn't know if I would be able to, I felt so guilty, so ashamed and so angry. This wasn't supposed to happen. It shouldn't be happening. It should _never_ have happened.

The doctor started excusing herself stating that she would give us some space and she'd come back later, when we felt more like talking. She was heading for the door when Bella spoke up suddenly. "Wait, Doctor Powell." She turned. "What does- what does she look like?"

This was wrong. A Mother asking a complete stranger to describe her child. It was beyond wrong, it was sickening.

Doctor Powell looked at Bella with what I thought was sympathy, maybe even pity. She smiled a second later. "She's a very beautiful girl, Miss Swan. She resembles you. She has a little bit of hair that looks like it might be her Father's color, but her facial features are mostly yours."

We would have to take her word for it. Bella hadn't even gotten a chance to see her and I was crying too hard to be able to notice the details.

Bella's eyes filled with tears again but she smiled.

"Later, when you go visit her just ask to see "Baby Swan", they'll show you which one she is."

"Cullen." Said Bella. "Her name's Arianna Cullen." Her tears fell.

"That's a nice name. I'll tell them to correct it." She nodded, gave us a little smile and then left.

And she left us with nothing.

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Bella couldn't sleep. She stayed up just counting down the minutes until she could see the baby. I told her she needed to rest, that she had just given birth and she needed to sleep. It made no difference. She was too worried to relax. She was too anxious to give into her tiredness. I went out and told our family what had happened, after various good wishes they left.

When I came back I took her hand. She tightened her grip on it a little and then went to look at the clock. And that's what we did; we just looked at the clock, urging time to fly by so we'd know our fate. So we'd know how to react to the news it would bring.

Time passes slowly when all you do is pay attention to it. The hands on the clock seem to go backward. They taunt you. But eventually they do their work. They make the hours pass. And after three hours, forty three minutes and fifteen seconds Doctor Powell came in. It was time for us to go meet our daughter.

Bella was placed in a wheelchair and I went behind her to push her. We made it to the NICU and like so many other places in a hospital quietness reigned. Unlike _any_ other part of a hospital though, this wing made me cold. It made me scared.

The doctor went to ask the nurse to bring the baby as close to the glass as possible. A minute later we finally saw her. We both gasped. She was sleeping in her incubator, but the oxygen was gone. Doctor Powell told us they took her off it after almost three hours. She had a feeding tube. She was so small. So tiny. She looked so vulnerable. So unprepared. She wasn't ready and I forced her out. I was the reason she was in there. I was the reason she was afraid and alone. I was a monster.

"Edward, she's so beautiful." Bella's voice was thick with emotion. She turned to look at me and pulled me next to her. She held my hand and went to face the window again. She placed a hand carefully on the glass as if trying to get c loser. "Hey, sweetie. It's Mommy. Can you hear me? Daddy's here too." Her voice was only a whisper. "Happy birthday, baby. You came a little earlier than we expected but that's okay. You're absolutely perfect. You have all your little toes and all your little fingers. You're a little small right now but you're going to grow so don't worry. Soon enough you'll get to go home. And you're going to sleep in the nursery you and Daddy decorated. It looks incredible. Your Daddy told me you helped him choose what to put in there with your little kicks. You have such good taste, honey, it looks so lovely." We were both crying hard now. Bella inhaled. "We love you _so_ much, Arianna. That's your name, do you like it? It means "Very holy one" and that's what you are. Our little piece of Heaven. Our little miracle.

"Don't be afraid, okay, sweetheart? Mommy and Daddy will visit you every day until you can come home. And we're going to think about you all the time. And- and we're going to give thanks for you every day. We'll never take you for granted. Thank you _so_ much for choosing us as your parents; you don't know how much that means to us. That you're here, alive and getting healthy. You're so strong, our little fighter. You're going to be fine, you'll see. Someone as precious as you deserves so much out of life. So when you're ready, Daddy and I will start giving you all we have to offer. Take your time, we'll wait. Just get better, please. Please stay. Please don't lea-" She broke down. She turned around and cried on my shoulder. I hugged her as hard as I dared and cried with her.

I went to look at my daughter. She didn't deserve this. She was too young to be fighting, too innocent. She didn't deserve an uncertain future.

"I'm so sorry, princess. I'm sorry I hurt you." I said it so low that Bella wasn't able to hear through her sobs.

"She really does have your hair, Edward. It suits her so well." Came from a still crying Bella. I said nothing, I just held on to her for dear life, while taking in what I had risked to lose: our daughter.

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Bella was released the next day. After a tearful goodbye to the baby we left the hospital and we left our hearts behind. The resided there now, with our child.

We walked into our home quietly, defeated, empty- handed.

I wanted Bella to sleep or eat, or take a shower or rest. I wanted her to do anything but what I knew she would. I wanted her not to go to the nursery. But of course she did. She would probably spend all her time there now. Because three days ago I forgot to close the door.

She went inside and I could hear her quiet crying. I didn't want to go in. The emptiness of the room wouldn't be the same as the last time I'd seen it. I wouldn't feel expectant to fill it; I would feel betrayed to see it vacant.

But Bella was in there, and I went where she was.

She was sitting on the rocking chair, hugging the pillow that rested on the crib and trying not to cry. She was biting on her bottom lip, but even with that effort, it was quivering.

I got on my knees in front of her. "Bella. I'm- I'm so sorry, love."

Her eyes focused on me. "For what?"

"For being the reason our baby's not here. For forcing her to come out when she wasn't ready. For making her sick. For having to leave her behind. For putting us in the same situation as last time. For ruining everything aga-"

"Edward, stop." She went to run her fingers through my hair. "You're so confused. She came early because she was supposed to come early, because she was ready, because she wanted to. Nothing you did made her premature. You can't possibly believe that." She smiled at me.

"This isn't like last time Edward. There's a difference: she's alive, she's here, she came, and she's going to be fine. Don't worry so much and don't feel bad, it wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was. I shouldn't have lost control, I should've been more careful, but I wasn't I just gave in and now look what I did. I could've killed her Bella, she's so small, she wasn't ready to come out. She wasn't. What if she doesn't get better? I don't know if she will, she's too fragile, there's a big chance of her not getting better, what do we do then? Bella, I-I don't know what to do right now. I want to be strong, I do but I'm too scared. I feel so guilty, so worthless." Now_ I_ bit my lip to stop the tears.

"She'll be fine, Edward. She's healing as we speak. Please don't beat yourself up over something that wasn't your fault."

I couldn't deal with this. I didn't want her to reassure me. I didn't want her to comfort me. I wanted her to tell me it was ok for me to be scared, I wanted her to be scared with me.

I got up and started heading for the door. I wanted to mope and she wouldn't let me.

"Where are you going?" She seemed shocked by my actions.

"I can't stay here Bella. I can't look around this room and see it empty. It hurts too much not to see her here."

She got up and went to put the pillow back. She turned around and looked me straight in the eye. "Why are you doing this, Edward?" She asked in a serious voice.

"Doing what?" I had a right to feel guilty, didn't I?

"Why are you talking about her as if she's dead?"

I thought over my words. That's exactly what they sounded like. "I…"

"She's not. You have to understand something, Edward. We already lost one child; we _will_ _not_ lose another one. She's neither dead nor dying so please stop thinking that. She's premature, yes but she's alive. She's fighting for her life and you cannot give up hope. You don't get to give up on her, Edward. I won't let you. Don't you think it kills me that the first time I saw her was through a window? Don't you think I feel bad that she's being fed through a tube? Don't you think I'm dying to hold her? Well I am. But I can wait. Because I'd rather not hold her for a few days than never at all."

"Aren't you scared, Bella? What if she's not strong enough? What if this is a sign that maybe we-?"

"Should fight just as hard as she is? Yes, I believe we should." She was angry now. "We can't do anything for her but encourage her; all we can do is be there for her. That incubator is not going to be her deathbed, Edward. That won't happen. And you, you will get to be a Father to her. You'll get to spoil her all you want and buy her all she wants. But I need you to trust me and I need you to trust her. I need you to believe that she's going to be fine; I need you to acknowledge that she'll make it out of this. That she really is a miracle baby, she's fought through so much already. She came and she's here to stay, we won't bury another child, Edward. If this is a test then we'll pass it… together. I won't let you stay behind; I won't let you doubt our happiness. She already knows we love her; all she needs now is to feel it. If it's in our hands to speed her recovery then we'll do it."

Her words were a slap in the face. She was ready to fight, she would even fight me. She knew our happiness was at arm's length and she wouldn't let it slip by. She was so much stronger than I would ever be.

"Bella. I'm so sorry I'm such a coward."

"I know you're afraid, I am too. I was crying before because I miss her, because I'll miss her every second she's not with us, not because I was afraid she wouldn't make it. The minute I saw her I knew she would. She's a little trooper, Edward. I'm afraid of her being afraid. I'm afraid she'll cry and we won't be there to comfort her, I'm afraid she'll need us and we won't be there. I'm afraid she'll get cold and we won't cover her. But I am not afraid she'll leave us. She won't. She deserves to have a long and happy life and she won't get robbed of that. I need you with me, Edward. For every moment she's away I need you close. I need you to be strong because I can't go through this alone. And I don't care if it's selfish of me, and I don't care if you have a right to be scared, I won't let you. We won't suffer over this, not again. You won't be the one who will give up on our daughter. Because if you do and I let you, then we really don't deserve her. So please, for me, for you, for us but especially for her…fight. Fight against yourself if you have to, fight against whoever you need to fight until you know in your heart that what I'm saying is true, that Arianna will come home." She was wiping my tears while ignoring her own. She went to give me a hug and I crushed her to me.

I needed her now more than ever. I needed her to help me fight, to help me believe.

"I love you." She said near my ear.

"Why?" For the life of me I couldn't fathom a response.

She moved back but kept her hands on my shoulders. "Because you gave me a daughter you're willing to fight for."

And then she kissed me.

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Bella was right. Arianna was improving. Every day we went to see her she was a little bit better. She had gained a little weight. She was breathing a little better. She was fighting like a champion.

She was still in the NICU, but she was stable now. And today, today we'd get to hold her. Bella and I were told yesterday that she was good enough for that. That was such great news, in five days she had gone from needing oxygen to actually being well enough to be held. She was amazing.

We got to the NICU wing and we took our regular spot. We had spent so long here we were able to find the best spot to see her without her being bothered. She still needed her rest and we didn't want to interrupt her sleep. She looked so peaceful in her sleep, just like Bella. Something else she inherited from her Mother.

The nurse saw us and she came out to meet us. She gave us a facemask and made us wash and sterilize our hands before we entered the room.

We walked inside and went to her. The nurse went to pick her up. She lifted her carefully and turned to Bella. Her eyes filled with tears but she shook her head. "Let him hold her first."

What? Wasn't it customary for the Mother to hold the child first? Especially in a situation like this one. I didn't understand why on Earth she'd want me to hold her first.

"Bella, love, why don't you want to hold her?"

"I do want to hold her, of course I do, I just want _you_ to do it first."

"Why?"

"Edward, please, just hold her first." She was pleading.

The nurse, who looked as confused as I felt, moved to me. She held her out for me to take her. As carefully as possible I tried to mimic what I'd seen people on T.V. do, I tried to follow all the advice my Mother and Alice had given us. Support the head. Support the head.

She was placed in my hands and my eyes filled with tears.

"Can I take a picture?" Bella asked quietly.

"No flash." The nurse answered.

"Edward, look here." Bella said, I turned around and she clicked the camera. I was sure the emotion I felt would transcend on paper.

Bella came a little closer and looked me straight in the eye. "Happy Birthday, Daddy" fell from her lips.

* * *

**I hope you liked it. I know you were probably expecting something else to happen, but I needed some angst back. I missed it. I know I'm sick, Channy told me. Lol.**

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	20. Chapter 20

**If I say I'm really sorry, can you forgive me?**

**Moving on really quickly so you don't have a chance to think about how long I took to update...**

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** Disclaimer: Not mine.**

A middle name and a Favor

It took me a second to understand.

Happy Birthday? I went to look at the little pink bracelet on my daughter's wrist.

Arianna Cullen

June 15th, 3:47 A.M.

That was five days ago.

I went to look at the calendar that adorned the wall near the exit door.

June 20th was plainly visible in bold black.

It was my birthday today. And I'd completely forgotten. For the first time in my life today's date had completely passed me by. I'd been so worried at first about Arianna's premature birth and then I'd been so acutely aware of her every move and progress that the days all rolled into one.

I turned 28 today. And I forgot.

But Bella didn't. Not only did she remember the significance of today, she gave up the right to hold our daughter first after waiting for so long just so I could. She gave me being the first to ever hold our baby as a Birthday gift. It was more than I deserved.

What on Earth could I ever give her in return? "Nothing" said a voice in my head. That voice was right. There was absolutely nothing that would ever encompass the amount of love and sacrifice behind her gesture.

I was speechless.

"You forgot, didn't you?" She said while taking in my shocked expression.

I only nodded.

"Did you like your gift?" She asked, truly concerned.

"Bella, love, this- this is far beyond what I deserve. I can't believe you actually did it."

"You would've done the same for me." I would've, yes, for the mere fact that it was the right thing to do. Mothers came before Fathers. I should've refused.

"Edward." She waited until I actually met her eyes. Her hand came up and she cleared a frown I didn't know was there. "It's okay. You don't have to feel bad. I did it because I wanted to. I didn't know what to get you and when they told us yesterday that we could hold her today; I figured it would be the perfect gift for you. I thought you would like it."

"I love it. You couldn't have given me anything better. It's just, I feel so bad now Bella. You should've gone first; you had a right to hold her first after everything you went through. After how long you waited."

"I'll hold her right after you Edward. And I probably won't let her go so enjoy your time now." She laughed a little and touched my forearm.

I still felt bad but I wouldn't let her sacrifice go to waste. I finally had my baby in my arms and I wouldn't ignore her any longer.

I smiled at Bella through my mask and we both went to look down at our daughter.

She was breathtaking. It was one thing to see her through the window; it was a very different experience to have her in my arms. To actually be holding her. It was surreal.

I took in all her features. Her hair really was my color, though thankfully it didn't look half as messy as my own mane, it was more Bella's texture, soft and beautiful. As carefully as possible I moved her so she was resting in my left forearm instead of my hands. She was still very small so she fit nicely. I held her a little closer to my chest. I lifted my right hand and softly ran it through her hair. It felt just like Bella's, exactly the same. I smiled. She had listened to me. All those conversations we'd had while she was in her Mother's womb, all those times I'd asked something of her, all those things I'd asked her to do for me, she had actually complied. And now here she was, everything I'd ever asked for: my little piece of Heaven.

My baby girl.

She looked exactly like Bella. A carbon copy. The same heart-shaped face, the same small features that suited it, the same small cheeks and the same, perfect little rosy lips. She wasn't exactly what I'd imagine our baby would be. She was better. I'd never seen a more beautiful being. She was absolute perfection.

My finger came softly down from her head to her little cheeks. Her skin, which I'd only painfully remembered as blue after she was born had taken on an ivory shade. Again, just like her Mother's. Her cheeks were different though, they matched the rosy tone of her, now, slightly puckered lips. Bella's cheeks only reddened when she blushed.

She felt so soft. She had that softness only babies possessed. I leaned closer to her to place a kiss on her little forehead. I caught a whiff of her smell then and I would never forget it. It would be forever ingrained in my memory: it was the smell of love. Bella's and mine. Tactile.

Her tiny eyelids started to flutter. Bella and I hadn't seen her eyes yet. Every time we'd come she had been sleeping or being checked. We decided not to ask, we wanted to be surprised. Maybe she'd listed to me again and when they finally opened I'd be met with deep chocolate brown replicas. "Hey sweetie. It's Daddy. We finally meet. You have no idea how long I've waited to do this baby, to have you this close. Mommy and I have missed you so much, but we've come, we've been here every day, have you seen us? Thank you so much for fighting, princess. Thank you so much for staying. I'm sorry I almost gave up. I never should've done that. I never will again, though, you can be sure of that." I wanted her to know I regretted that mistake infinitely, but I wanted her, and Bella to know that it was a one time thing. Fear wouldn't cripple me again. Hope wouldn't abandon me once more.

"God, you're beautiful. You look exactly like your Mommy, _exactly_ like her. You're just as gorgeous as she is. And I know you'll be as kind as she is. Do you want to know what she did? She let me hold you first. And Mommy has been dying to hold you for so long. And she deserved to do it before me but she gave up that right just because it's my birthday today. Isn't she amazing? No one else would ever have done that, sweetie. No one but your Mommy. Aren't I the luckiest man in the world?"

Her tiny arms started to move almost as if she was stretching and her little mouth opened in a cute little yawn. "Are you waking up soon, honey?" I looked up at the nurse to ask the silent question. She had a little smile on her lips but she nodded. I went to look back down and found her blinking. And then I just waited. I waited to unveil what had been kept a secret hitherto. After five more little blinks she finally opened her eyes and I had never seen anything like them.

They were absolutely beautiful. Somehow she managed to involve both her parents in her eyes. The shocking green came from me; it predominated, but there, surrounding the pupil were tiny little specks of chocolate brown. An array of little lines that started near the black and soon disappeared into the green. They we very small, completely imperceptible unless you were this close. I smiled; she held a secret of her own. Just like her Mother's red hints in the right light.

Her eyes focused on me after having wandered around the room. I felt the air leave my lungs. Yes, breathtaking indeed. "Good morning, sweetie. Do you know who this is? Can you recognize my voice?" I ran a finger across her cheek again. She blinked. "Now that you're awake, little love, I would like to introduce you to someone very special. Her name's Isabella but you will always know her as 'Mommy'." I went to look at Bella and was surprised to see she'd been crying. She still had tears forming in her eyes. I worried instantly, had I taken too long?

"Love, what's wrong? Did you want to take her sooner? I'm sorry. You should've told me."

She wiped her cheeks shaking her head. "No, that's not it."

"Then what?"

She looked me in the eye. "You act so much like a Father, Edward. It's so surreal, seeing you holding her, like in my dreams. Us being here with her for the first time, it's incredible. Up until five days ago, I doubted for a long time this would actually happen and now it is and I've never been happier." I could see the smile even through the mask.

I looked back down at my daughter and started lifting her. In a voice that rang clear I spoke. "Arianna, I would like you to meet your Mother." I held my arms out and went to place her on Bella's.

An intake of breath came form her. Followed by a sob. Bella had no problem placing Arianna properly in her arms. She fitted in her embrace perfectly. Like corresponding pieces. It was clear that this Mother and this daughter were always meant to be. And I would be forever grateful I played a role. That Bella gave me a chance despite all my mistakes. I would be forever grateful that she'd made us parents. Arianna's parents.

Bella lifted our baby a little and placed a kiss, like I had on our daughter's forehead, only, she closed her eyes and then her shoulders started shaking a little. The masks we wore didn't stop the love behind the kiss, I was sure.

Bella spoke in a broken whisper and Arianna's eyes focused on her. "Oh God, sweetie, it's so good to finally hold you. To have you here, in my arms. They've felt so empty for the last five days. I love you so much, baby. You'll never know how much because there'll never be an end to it. I'm so happy to be your Mommy, sweetheart. And so proud, I've never been more proud of anyone else before in my life. Daddy comes in a close second, but you win, darling." She was running her hand through her hair. Almost combing it with her fingers. The baby liked it, her body was relaxing and her eyes we fluttering again.

"Are you sleepy, honey? You can go to sleep if you want. I won't mind one bit because you'll be falling asleep in my arms. Thank you so much for letting us see those beautiful eyes of yours, it was more than we expected. You woke up just to meet us." I smiled and Bella went to hold the baby's hand on her own. She placed a little kiss on it too.

"Thank you for helping me make your Daddy's birthday so special, princess." She went to look at me and I had to bite my lip to stop it from quivering. Even now, in the most special of moments she included me. She really would never leave me behind.

Bella's hand released the baby's and she went to run it through her cheek. She was running her hand with such care and meticulousness it was almost as if she was trying to pour as much love as she could in a single touch. Her finger came down to corner of her lips. Arianna's lips twitched in what could only be described as a smile before her eyes fluttered shut and she gave into sleep again.

It was something to behold: our baby smiling up at her Mother before falling asleep in her arms.

Never in my life had I had a more perfect birthday.

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"OH MY GOD!!!" A shrieking Alice yelled in my ear. "WHEN?"

"Tomorrow morning." A high pitched sound that only bats and dogs would respond to followed.

I expected it, but that didn't mean I was ready for it.

Still, telling Alice the baby came home tomorrow morning was not something I would have Bella do. She appreciated her hearing and I was sure she'd like to keep it.

"Oh my God, Edward, this is such great news wait until I tell everyone. No, wait until I tell Jasper. No, no, wait until I tell _Rosalie_. Oh my God, no, wait until I tell Betsy."

"Who's Betsy?" I got in before she kept going.

"The lady who owns the baby store." She said in a tone that meant it should've been obvious to anyone. "You guys never learned the sex until the very end, and ever since she was born you've spent all your time at the hospital so you didn't get a chance to buy anything for her. But fret not Edward. These last eight days have been enough. I've gotten you guys everything you would ever need for a baby, it's all reserved. Even a breast pump in case Bella doesn't want to breastfeed. Of course I've only gotten so many clothes. I'll need to buy more. Six months of them isn't enough. But maybe Bella would like to buy her a shirt or a bib, maybe?" How someone so small could say so much in one breath was beyond me. And I was a doctor.

"Alice, I don't want you to spend. Just some clothes is fine, don't buy anything else." There was no place to put it.

There was silence for a few seconds. "You know Edward, I'll never get your sense of humor." She said seriously. "Anyway, I gotta run. I wanna talk to Betsy. Tell Bella I'm really happy for the both of you and I cannot, _cannot_ wait to see my little niece in person." And with that she was gone.

Tomorrow would be…interesting.

I put the phone down and went to the nursery to look for Bella.

She was putting little outfits together in the changing table with the gorgeous grin that hadn't left her face since we'd held Arianna for the first time. It only got bigger when we learned yesterday that she'd be able to come home tomorrow. She would only have spent eight days in the NICU, she was ready to come home today but they wanted to make absolutely sure so they were keeping her an extra day. That was fine, we could wait.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and she relaxed into me.

"Did you tell Alice?"

"Yes."

"What did she say?"

"That she had to talk to Betsy."

Her head turned to look at me. She had a little frown. "Who's Bet- You know what, never mind. I'd rather you didn't tell me. Knowing Alice, she's probably the owner of some super exclusive baby boutique." Close enough.

"Do you want to help me find her an outfit for tomorrow?" She grinned again.

And that's what we did for the rest of the afternoon. We went through every single piece we had for her. Everything would be a little loose on her still, but it was alright. She would grow into them.

In the end we chose a light white T-shirt that had her name printed in soft pink on it, the little pink short skirt that matched, the small white hat and a tiny pink bow that would go in her hair, gloves so she wouldn't accidentally scratch her face, tiny socks with a little pink bow on each side and the smallest pair of shoes I had ever seen in my life. They were only soft white fabric, with a little strap that ran in the middle and connected with Velcro. They were also the only thing Bella had gotten for her. She got them the day after her dream and she'd kept them in her night table drawer until my birthday.

My cheeks hurt after she showed them to me, my smile lasted hours. Such a small, little garment and yet they held more love and hope than all the clothes I'd gotten combined just because they came from her Mother.

We slept peacefully that night because we knew that everything we'd wanted to do since she had been born would be possible tomorrow. We'd finally be able to hold her and not give her back.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Edward, you could go a little faster. It'll be okay." Bella whispered from the back seat. She seemed bemused.

"Bella, love, please don't distract me." I was nervous enough as it was.

We were heading back home and finally, _finally_ Arianna got to come with us. She looked so cute in her little outfit, though you couldn't see it unless you lifted her up from her car seat because Bella had draped a blanket over her so she wouldn't get cold. Everyone at the hospital had been so nice, they all wished us luck and gave us advice on feeding, bathing, changing and putting her to sleep. They basically gave us a to do list. I missed half of what they said because I was berating myself for forgetting the notebook I had bought especially for writing down any baby advice in the car. Bella seemed to take everything in though. It wouldn't surprise me. Motherhood suited her so perfectly you'd think she'd been doing it her whole life. She knew exactly what to do and how to do it. And she always included me. She said we were learning together but truly I was learning from her.

After actually stepping outside the hospital with her, after acknowledging that this time she was really with us, that she would never stay back again I got nervous.

I was in charge of getting us safely home and I'd never felt more pressure to drive.

I normally drove like a maniac; Bella was scared by my driving. After all these years, she still hadn't gotten used to it. So it was safe to say that this was the first time she'd ever asked me to go faster.

I was too nervous to comply. My hands, which were clutching the steering wheel like they'd been welded together, were immobile. My knuckles had turned white from clutching the wheel so hard and for once in my life I chose to drive down the street and not the freeway.

After nearly an hour we parked in our spot and I let out a huge sigh of relief. We were home.

I turned back to see Bella detach the car seat from the base and I hurried out to open her door. She gave me the seat and I took it carefully. Arianna had fallen asleep. Hmm, would she still have fallen asleep if I'd taken the freeway and made it home in the 15 minutes it usually took me?

Bella got out of the car and came close to give me a kiss. "She's finally here." She whispered when we pulled apart. Her eyes were a little moist.

"I know, love." I smiled down at her, went to hold her hand and we started for our home as the family we'd become. The family we now were.

We made it into the building and the elevator after a few minutes. All the way smiling down at our sleeping baby. Bella went to hold my forearm with her free hand, therefore closing the gap between us a little. It felt so right to have the two most important women in my life this close, to know they were here to stay and would never leave.

We made it to our door and I'd never been more exited to see it before. It was our home. The Cullen family lived here now; we weren't just Edward and Bella anymore. It was incredible.

Bella opened the door and I held it for her to go in first. She turned around to wait for me I followed while looking down at our baby. "Welcome home, sweetie." I said in a quiet voice. I didn't want to wake her.

Bella held my free hand and we looked up.

It was like walking into a house made of sweets, with Skittle floors and cotton candy walls. Like running head first into a rainbow. The living room had so many colorful things it was like a Teletubby milkshake had exploded in it.

What the hell had happened?

The strangled gasp that came from Bella mirrored my own.

A second later the kitchen door opened an out walked Alice, well skipped was a more appropriate term. Of course. _Of course_ Alice was behind the M & M's bombing. I was just about to ask her what the hell this meant went the door opened again. And this time it didn't close.

It was like watching those tiny, little cars where a thousand clowns come out of.

Renee, Esme, Rosalie, Leah, a lady who looked like she might be Leah's Mother, Carlisle, Charlie, Phil, Emmett, Jasper, Jacob, pushing a man I guessed was his Father, Seth, Angela, Ben, Eric, Mike, Jessica, Casey, someone I assumed was Scott, Mrs. Fields, Nurse Phillips, Tyler and a middle aged lady who had red hair and a kind face came out. Finally the door closed.

Holy crap. When Alice said she'd tell everyone she wasn't kidding.

How…how in the name of God did they all fit in there?

I was scared. I went to look at Bella and she looked as petrified as I was.

And so the shrieking began. And the clapping, and the skipping, and the yelling, and the hugging, and the patting on the back and the cooing and most especially the "Let me see her!". All the noise woke our daughter up and I wanted to kill them. She looked so scared. Bastards.

I went to put the seat down on the couch and turned around to make myself heard over the banshees' cries.

Bella took Arianna from her seat before she started to cry. Once in her arms she calmed down instantly.

"Everyone, everyone, please. First of all, thank you for coming. It means a lot that you're all here. Even if we hadn't met personally before, your support it still appreciated. Now, it is my _absolute_ pleasure to introduce to all of you Bella's and my daughter, Arianna." I smiled as wide as possible and went to take her little hat off. The little pink bow was there, proudly in the middle of her little tuft of bronze hair. "But please" I said before I forgot. "don't yell again. It scared her."

Arianna's was passed to her Grandma Renee's arms, with my Mother and every other woman present in the room fawning over her. All the men were watching with a smile on their lips.

I gave Bella a kiss on the cheek before I went for the kitchen. We had guests and I had to give them at least water. That was when I noticed the red haired stranger trying to make herself invisible against the wall.

"Hello. I don't believe we've met. I'm Edward Cullen." I extended my hand she took it shyly.

"Betsy Owens."

Oh Alice. Poor Betsy had been dragged here.

"It's very nice to meet you Betsy. Alice has told me about you. You own a baby story, right?" She nodded. Did she have anything left, though? One look at the living room told me she might not. Alice had gotten it all. "Please make yourself comfortable. Any friend of Alice's is welcome here. Have you met my daughter? Or her Mother? Don't feel out of place, Bella knows about you too." She smiled and relaxed. She went to join the rest of the women.

I gave everyone refreshments and ordered pizza for all and then we sat down as well we could.

After two hours nearly everyone had held the baby. Some with a bit less grace than others but all supervised by Renee, Esme and Sue, Leah's and Seth's Mother. They'd kept quiet so she'd gone back to sleep. Right now Seth was holding her.

"She's so small." He said in a quiet whisper.

"Well, she was born early. Bella's water broke at a little more than 33 weeks."

"Oh." He said. You could see though that he didn't really understand what I'd just said. "Hey, how did your water break Bella? Mom always said hers broke after eating a corn on the cob. Right, Mom?" He laughed and went to look at Sue.

Silence befell.

Bella turned to look at me and she started blushing. I was sure I was too.

Of course Emmett picked up on that fact.

"Why the sudden coloring of thy cheeks, young lovers? Art thou keeping a secret?" He asked with a cheeky grin. _Dick_.

Everyone turned to look at us with expectant faces. Bella blushed harder and she went to bite down on her bottom lip while looking at her lap and toying with Arianna's hat. A telltale sign that how her water had broken was not a subject we'd want to discuss publicly.

"How did your water break, Bella?" Asked an amused Rosalie. Honestly, those two.

I would have to lie through my ass. They could never, _ever_ find out the truth, we'd take that to our graves.

"We were watching a movie." I said in an almost normal voice.

"What _kind_ of movie?" Said Emmett, again in a smug voice. I would kill him some day.

"It was an instructional birthing video, Emmett." The face he made was almost worth being put on the spot. A Pediatrician he was, an OB/GYN he would never be. Births scared him.

Thankfully that shut him up and the topic was quickly changed by a blushing Charlie. Huh, guess births scared him too.

"So what's her middle name?"

Bella, whose blush hadn't subsided yet, looked up at him. "We didn't actually think of one."

"What? She's not going to have a middle name?" Questioned an appalled Alice. Well, I wouldn't have expected less from a certain Mary Alice Brandon Cullen, who would surely some day add Hale to that list.

"Well, I don't know. I suppose she will, we just haven't thought of it yet." Bella answered, a little taken aback by Alice's intensity. I had actually thought of one, I just hadn't mentioned it because I wasn't sure if she'd want to go with it.

"How did you come up with her first name?" Asked my Mother.

"Bella picked it."

"Why don't you pick the middle name then?" My Father asked me.

I turned to look at Bella who seemed to love the idea. Well, okay. I'd give her a middle name. "Will you go with whatever I choose?" I asked Bella in a quiet voice.

"Of course." She answered without even thinking about it.

"Fine, then." I wrapped my arm around her waist and brought Bella closer to me.

"Isabella." I said near her ear in a voice that was heard by everyone because of the quietness.

Bella turned to look at me with a frown. I hardly ever called her by her whole name. She didn't understand.

I went to relax the frown and explained myself. "I want her middle name to be 'Isabella'." I said while looking into her eyes.

"Why?" She asked in a tiny whisper and went to look down. I knew it, I knew she'd object. Never mind, though, I'd find the way to make her accept. I lifted her face with one of my fingers and looked into her soul.

"Well, it's a name that means a lot to me. It's the name of my best friend, my first and only girlfriend. The woman who knew me as a boy and turned me into a man. It's the name of my soul mate. It's the name of the woman who has made me happier than I've ever been before. It's the name of the woman who gave me a chance to be a Father, despite my errors. The woman who gave me a daughter who looks just like her. It represents the woman who'll never let me give up, who'll never leave me behind. The woman who, just like our daughter, is a fighter. The woman who stands for what she believes in. It's the name of the woman whom I have always and will always love, no matter what. Simply put…I want her to carry that name because it's yours, love." I went to wipe her tears and she gave me a bone crushing hug. She hid her face on my shoulder and I was positive she was biting on her lip to try to regain some control. I rubbed my hand up and down her back.

We'd never been so open about our relationship but I couldn't regret it. I loved her more than life itself and I didn't care who heard or saw it. I looked around and everyone had a grin on their faces, the women all looked close to tears.

"Arianna Isabella Cullen. It's perfect." Said Alice in a thick voice.

Yes, yes it was.

----------------------------

After almost another hour mostly everyone had gone. The only people left were our family.

"So Edward. We should get started on these things. Putting the crib together and everything. You're gonna use the guest bedroom as a nursery, right?" Jasper said.

Ah crap. I'd completely forgotten about everything Alice and everyone else had brought. Though I don't exactly know how I'd managed to do that. You couldn't put one foot in front of the other without bumping into something.

"Oh yeah. You should probably take advantage of having us all here. Doing a nursery alone might take some work." It did, it took over three months to be exact.

"Well, actually." How do I say that's it's been done for over a week? That all they bought would probably had to be returned because it wouldn't fit anywhere?

Without giving me a chance to explain myself Alice walked into what she didn't know was the nursery. And the Mother of all gasps followed. I closed my eyes, she would kill me.

"What the hell is_ this_?" She screeched loud enough that even the next door neighbors heard her, no doubt. Everyone stampeded to the door to see what she meant, and great, more gasps.

They all walked inside and saw all the hard work I'd done. The little project I'd finished with my daughter's help.

After checking everything they all came out. I didn't pay attention to their faces. Truth be told I was afraid of Alice's reaction. It was more than obvious that the nursery hadn't been done while the baby had been in the hospital.

Like a Sergeant ready for battle Alice came out. She was inhaling. That wasn't good.

She focused her cold eyes on me and I had to fight a shiver. "Edward, what is that?" She asked in a steely voice.

Everyone quieted at once. Even Arianna.

"Well, Alice, it's- it's the baby's nursery." Great, I stuttered.

"And why is it done?"

"Because I wanted her to sleep somewhere other than in a car seat?"

"Don't play dumb with me Edward, you know what I mean. How come you guys never learned the sex of the baby until after she was born and then suddenly, miraculously a nursery that looks as if it's been meticulously done and decorated for weeks turns up in your house? Why is that Edward? And most importantly, _who_ decorated it?"

Shit. Ah well, what could she really do to me? Charlie was here. "I did it Alice. And I did it alone because Bella didn't want to know the sex of the baby and I wanted to surprise her. I didn't tell anyone because of that same reason. Besides, it was the only thing I could do for my daughter while she was still in her Mommy's belly."

While Renee, Esme and Rosalie aww-ed, Alice looked, if possible, even angrier. She would kill me, she would kill me with her bare hands and Charlie wouldn't be able to stop her. I gulped.

"When did you find out she was a girl?"

Should I lie? No, she'd probably find out I did and just resuscitate my dead body only to murder me again in an even more painful way.

"I- I found out at our 20th week appointment." I croaked out.

A narrowing of her eyes that shook me to my core followed. "So you knew for almost half her pregnancy. You knew for thirteen weeks and you didn't tell me. After all the times I asked you what was in the room you kept quiet. You didn't let me buy her anything, not one thing. Edward, you didn't even let me throw her a baby shower. And now, when I'm excited to be allowed to finally, _finally_ be able to buy her one tiny thing" _One_ _tiny thing?_ She bought the whole store! "It turns out you don't even need it because her nursery has already been done for God knows how long."

"I'm sorry Alice. I never meant for you to go through so much trouble. I tried to tell you not to spend; I'll refund you for everything."

"Please don't offend me Edward, I don't care that I bought things you don't need. I care that I didn't know you didn't need them. But most importantly I care that you kept me in the dark for so long, I can't believe you, thirteen weeks?…You're in my list, Cullen." What list? The hit list?

"Alic-"

"Bella can I hold the baby again?" Alice asked, completely ignoring me. I was a little afraid; she wouldn't take it out on her, would she? No, she might get pissed at me but she would never touch my daughter.

"Sure, Alice. Do you want to sit down?" Obviously Bella agreed with my last thought.

Alice went to do just that. Bella passed Arianna, who had listened intently to our exchange, to Alice. And Alice's cold demeanor thawed instantly.

"Hey gorgeous, how are you. You look so much like your Mommy. You have your Daddy's hair though." Nope, no coldness when she referred to me. "And your eyes are so beautiful, a perfect mixture of them both." Everyone had started to relax when Alice kept talking.

"Do you want to hear a limerick, honey?" Arianna just moved her little hand to her face.

"Okay, here goes:

There once was a man named Edward,

Who for weeks sneaked around and lied,

But his match was met in a girl named Alice,

For she'd make him shop until he cried."

That hung in the air for a second and then everyone but Bella and I started laughing. Emmett was laughing so hard he fell off the chair he was in. Bella rubbed her hand up and down my arm. She knew what Alice was like when it came to shopping and knew there was no greater threat coming from her.

Half an hour after that menace. Everyone else left. They all gave Arianna a little last kiss and Bella and me a hug. Even Alice hugged me, she knew she'd scared me and that was enough to get her to forgive me.

Alice was diabolical.

-------------------------------

Bella and I were finally in bed. It'd been a really long day and I was beyond tired. I could only imagine what she must've been like.

Putting Arianna to sleep had been a little hard, not because she wasn't falling asleep, but because we didn't want to close the door. We didn't want to leave her, but we took comfort in knowing that she was just across the hall, we could see her any time we wanted.

She would probably wake up soon for a midnight feeding. Supposedly babies ate every two and a half hours or so. Apart from being fed through a tube she had only had her bottle. She was still feeding off Bella because it wasn't formula in the bottles. I had gotten her a breast pump too and she had started using it as soon as she could.

We hadn't talked about breastfeeding her yet so I didn't know if she would want to. I decided to ask her.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Do you- do you want to try breastfeeding?"

She didn't answer for a long time. I got worried. I sat up on the bed and went to look at her. She was biting on her lip and looked crestfallen.

"Love, what's wrong?"

She said something so low I didn't catch it. "What?"

She lifted her eyes at me and they looked vulnerable. "I do. But…what if she doesn't like it? What if she's too used to the bottle? Or if it hurts too much and I can't do it?" She looked close to tears.

I understood why she looked sad then. Breastfeeding was supposed to be something that bonded Mothers and their children and since our baby hadn't once been breastfed there was a chance she might reject it or that it would indeed hurt too much and Bella wouldn't be able to handle it. And if either of those things happened Bella would take it to mean some sort of failure on her part.

"Love, you know that not every woman can breastfeed, right? Or even wants to? And that not every child might like it? Every case is different. And just the fact that you might want to try is amazing. There is a chance she won't take it because she's used to the bottle, but we lose nothing by trying. If she doesn't take it then it doesn't mean anything. You're still a wonderful Mother, Bella. The best. You know that, right?" She looked up at me with watery eyes.

I bent down to kiss her cheek. "It's up to you, love. Whatever you decide, we'll do. Just choose what you feel comfortable with."

She gave me a hug. "And you won't mind?"

"Of course not, Bella. Please don't worry about me. This is something that affects you directly so it's you who has to make the choice. No matter what it is, I'll be there to help in any way I can." She smiled a little.

"I want to try." She said in a clear voice.

I was hoping she'd say that. Even if it didn't work, it was better than regretting and wondering if she would've taken it or not. "Great. She should wake up soon so do you want to try then?"

"Yes."

"Do you need me to get you anything?"

"A cloth. It goes on my shoulder for burping her after she's done. And well, a bottle just in case it doesn't work." It would, I would be having a talk with my daughter. She'd listened to me before she wouldn't leave me hanging now.

Twenty minutes later the baby woke up crying. We smiled. It was actually the first time we'd heard her cry. It was such a beautiful sound.

I got up from the bed and went to her.

I opened the door and turned on the little lamp. I went to her immediately after. She was wrapped in the cocoon-like pink blanket. Our Mothers told us it reminded them of being in the womb and it helped them sleep better than if they were just covered.

I picked her up slowly and started rocking her. She was still crying a little so I decided to talk to her. "What's wrong, princess? It's okay, Daddy's here." I placed a kiss on her temple and took her to the changing table. Maybe she wasn't hungry, maybe she was just dirty. I started unwrapping her. Apparently she liked my voice; she had started to calm down. "Do you like how your room turned out, sweetie? Did you get a chance to look at it yet? Probably not, huh? It was a busy day for you. You met everyone, did you like them? They all loved you, honey. How could they not?" I smiled a little. Finally I got her out of the shell she was in and went to unbutton her little onesie to look at her diaper. It was clean. So she was hungry, then. But what now? Do I put another one in? I think I had to, the glue wasn't sticking anymore. I went to pull out one of the tiny diapers and then another thought occurred to me. Did I have to put powder in if she wasn't really changed? Bella would know. Should I ask her? No, she was nervous enough as it was, I had to handle this on my own.

Arianna let out a little baby cry. "Oh, sorry, sweetie. Daddy's a little lost right now. But never mind, why don't we keep talking? Did you realize what happened today? Well, a lot of things happened today, so I understand if you don't know what I mean. You got your full name today, honey. You are officially "Arianna Isabella Cullen", isn't it lovely? I got to give you your middle name. It's your Mommy's name and I love it on you, because just like her, you make me incredibly happy. And just like her, you have me wrapped around your little beautiful finger." I went to kiss her hand. "And I love you just as much as I love her. So it's only fitting that that you carry her name because just like her you'll always be the most important part of my life. You and your Mommy are all I need to live, baby.

"Which is why I need to ask you for a favor. I know I ask for a lot of favors but please, please concede me this one? It'll make Mommy very happy. Do you know what it is? Well, sweetheart Mommies actually feed their babies with something other than what we've had to feed you. They have their own…special bottles." I blushed but she was too young to hear anything else. "And Mommy, well she hasn't been able to use hers and she really wants to. So I need you to let her. Can you do that for me? Can you grant me that favor? It won't require any extra effort on your part and it'll be more fulfilling than the bottle or that horrible tube you had to eat from at the hospital." Well it took a long time but I'd managed to put on her diaper, I only put a little bit of powder on the inside of her legs so she wouldn't chafe. I didn't tighten the diaper too much; I didn't want to hurt her.

"So what do you say, beautiful? Can you try drinking out of Mommy's special bottle?" There was a noise near the door and I turned around to find Bella in the entrance.

"'Special bottle', Edward, really?" She asked with a little laugh. She came closer and stood next to me. She had tears in her eyes. "You probably thought she was too young to hear anything else. Always the gentleman." Since my hands were on the baby I couldn't wipe them away. "Thank you. It means a lot that you would ask her to try. I'm sure she'll comply. She never says no to Daddy, does she?" She went to put the powder back and I lifted our baby…and then the diaper fell straight to her feet. Oops, apparently I needed to tighten it just a little bit more.

"Sorry, sweetie." I put her down again and this time Bella helped me. It was on right; I just needed to put the little tapes a little closer together.

Bella went to sit down on the rocking chair and I brought the baby to her. It was time to try using the special bottle for the first time.

She had taken a little pillow and placed it on her arm. I put the baby down and Bella went to unbutton her shirt. Should I look away? "You can look, Edward. She'll do this as a favor to you, after all." She laughed a little but I could still hear the traces of doubt she had. I got to my knees and placed a kiss on the hand that was holding our daughter. "Yes, she will. Don't worry Bella. She'll do what she can to help Daddy make Mommy happy. Won't you sweetie?" I ran my finger on her little foot.

Bella uncovered herself and slowly lifted out daughter to her. As carefully as possible she positioned her mouth so that the baby knew what to do. After a few second the baby cries that hadn't completely subsided before stopped altogether and the special bottle was finally in use.

I went to look at Bella and found her staring at our daughter. She was completely transfixed by her. Completely in awe that what she wanted was actually happening. That they were bonding. New tears filled her eyes.

"Love, what's wrong? Does it hurt?"

She looked at me as if she was seeing me for the first time. "No." She said in a whisper.

"Then why are you crying?"

"I don't know." She wiped her tears without jostling our baby. "It's just, she actually listened to you. And it feels amazing, it really feels like bonding. And you made it happen. Thank you." This time I was the one to wipe her tears away.

"Anything for you, love." Though really, all the credit went to her for actually trying.

After a few more minutes Bella told me Arianna had closed her eyes, she was still feeding, though. But maybe she'd be done soon. So I got up and went to get Bella the cloth she'd asked me for. I got it and put in on her shoulder. I caught a sight of my daughter then. There she was, doing what came natural to her. I felt like I was intruding, then. It was such a beautiful, intimate moment between Mother and daughter, even as her Father I felt out of place. I got to my knees again and kept quiet.

Arianna finished and Bella lifted her as carefully as possible. She was trying not to wake her. She put her on her shoulder, her head right over the cloth. She cupped her hand and started giving little pats on her back.

I realized what I'd said to my daughter before was the absolute truth. They were all I needed to live. They were all I would ever need. The woman I loved and the proof of that sentiment. I would never encounter two more perfect beings. We were together then, with our little angel watching over us from the door.

Her eyes met mine and without realizing what I was doing I spoke. "Please marry me Bella." I begged in a whisper.

And at that second the baby burped.

* * *

**I gotta say I loved this chapter, from beginning to end.**

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	21. Chapter 21

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**Discalimer: Not mine.**

Because

And the award for worst proposal in the world goes to…

Honestly, what the hell was I thinking? Well, obviously I wasn't thinking. A blurted proposal? Really? That was the best I could do? Crap.

And it wasn't even a proposal seeing as I never even asked her, I just begged her.

But Arianna burped, maybe Bella hadn't heard me. I hoped she hadn't. I could do so much better with a bit of planning.

I can just see it now.

"_Bella, how did Edward propose?"_

"_Well, we were up for a midnight feeding and I had just had the most special bonding experience with our daughter- who by the way had just come home that day after spending eight in the NICU- and Edward was watching us from the floor in his pajamas and he just kinda whispered it. It wasn't a question though, it was really more of a beg. And then the baby burped."_

Yes, that was just lovely.

For fuck's sake, couldn't I do _one_ thing right? I didn't even have a ring.

Bella started to get up carefully with a sleeping Arianna in her arms. She wasn't reacting to my words; maybe she really hadn't heard me. She went to the changing table to wrap her again. She took the baby from her shoulder and pressed her lips softly to her forehead. She took her bundled to the crib and paused next to it. "Good night, sweetie. I love you. Thank you for listening to Daddy." She smiled down at her while holding her in her hands close to her chest.

She turned to me. "Don't you want to say goodnight?"

I went to them immediately. I ran my finger softly against the baby's hair. "Good night, honey. We'll probably see you in a couple of hours but I hope you have nice dreams before that happens." I softly kissed her temple.

Bella put her down and Arianna didn't even shift. She was in a deep slumber. She looked so innocent, with so much ahead of her, she deserved anything she could ever want and I would make sure she got it.

We turned around and I turned the little lamp next to the door off. We closed the door quietly.

Bella went to our room without waiting for me. I was getting a little anxious now. I was hoping she hadn't heard me, not that she'd ignore me. Had I scared her off? Shit, did she need more time? Had I rushed things?

I got to the room to find Bella getting up from the floor and closing the bottom drawer.

She turned to look at me and extended her palm to me.

A small black, velvet box was open in the middle of it. With a 1 carat, round cut, white gold solitaire sitting in the middle. I looked at her but she said nothing, she just kept offering me the ring that was once for her. I took it with nervous hands.

"Yes." She said as soon as the box was in my hands.

I was confused. "Yes what?" I asked in a small voice.

She looked me intently in the eyes and closed the gap between us. "Yes, I'll marry you. Today, tomorrow, the day after. Whenever, wherever, however. Yes." She smiled as big as she could.

The thrill I thought I would feel after hearing her say those words didn't come.

I felt even shittier now. She had accepted_ that_ as a proposal? I frowned.

"Edward, what's wrong?" Her smile disappeared.

I went to sit on the corner of the bed and closed the box. She kneeled down in front of me and looked at my face with a concerned expression. "You- you meant it, right?" She asked in a whisper.

"Of course I did."

"Then what's the matter?"

I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled. "I can never seem to propose to you well, Bella. The first time I was going to do it, the accident happened. And now, I just blurted it, it was so ridiculous, I didn't even ask you or hold your hand or have a speech or flowers or a ring prepared or anything. I just begged you to do it without even thinking. It was yours and Arianna's special moment and I ruined it. I'm sorry." I hung my head. "I should've done it differently, better."

Her small hand came up to my face and turned it to look at her. "I doubt there could've been a better proposal, Edward." She came close and kissed me. "You begged me to marry you just like I begged you to fight. And you did, and I will. Your asking me to marry you just improved what I thought would be the best day of my life. Edward, you asked me to marry you the day our daughter came home, the day we became a family. You couldn't have picked a better day because there will never be another day like this one, the day all our hopes and dreams were realized. You asked me to marry you after you convinced me that I was a good Mother, no matter what. After you, yourself made me feel a connection with our daughter that my doubts would've made me miss. You asked me to marry while I was holding our daughter in my arms, the physical proof of our love. The proof that we fought for our happiness, that we made it through everything. That we healed. But most especially you asked me to marry you in a room that holds everything I will ever need to live, to be happy, in a room that's filled with everything that has ever been and will always be good and pure: our daughter and our angel. In the room that you decorated." She ran her hand through my hair.

"Your proposal made me happier than I have ever been simply because it came from you, because you love me as much as I love you, because you've stood right next to me, because you've been the sweetest, most amazing man I will ever encounter and because you turned me from a girl to a woman. From a girlfriend to a lover, to a Mother and now to a wife. Your wife. You're giving me all of you and I will reciprocate. So, because of all that and more: Yes. A million times yes, I'll be your wife because I'm ready to tie myself to you in every way I possibly can, I'm ready to be yours forever." She smiled again and I got off the bed to my knees and hugged her as hard as I could.

"As for the ring." She said near my ear. "You have it in your hands."

"Bella, love I-I can get you another ring. It doesn't have to be this one just because it was here. We can go pick another one. A more modern one, perhaps? You can choose whichever you li-"

She pulled apart from me and went to look at my face. "Edward. I won't take any other one."

"But-" She put a finger on my lips and then ran her hand through my hair.

She looked me straight in the eye and put a hand over my heart. "Edward, listen carefully. I need that ring, that very one. There are a lot of things about the time we spent apart that you don't know. I should've told them to you before, maybe you'd know what I mean now."

Had she kept things from me? When we finally talked after coming from the hospital I thought she'd told me everything. I thought we'd cleared the air.

She made to get up and I followed. We sat on the bed and she turned to face me while holding my hand. She inhaled.

"Three years ago I was happy, incredibly happy. I was with you and I was pregnant with your child. I had all I needed. And then I lost it all. In a second our lives changed forever. We were ripped apart and were left broken hearted. I had never felt more immense pain. The pain of losing all I ever wished for. My happiness seeped through my fingers and I could do nothing to bring it back.

"You were gone and our baby was gone and so I stopped. I stopped living, I stopped wishing, I stopped hoping. I had nothing left. And that was my existence for two years and five months; I was a shell, empty and hollow. I rid myself of every feeling. I started working from home because I couldn't bear to face the outside. I couldn't see the world move on without me. And then I ran into you again, and the second I saw you I felt every emotion come back to me. I fainted because I could not believe you were there, five feet in front of me. You were all I wanted, all I needed. Because I swear, I never thought I would have another child, I didn't know if I physically could and I knew that emotionally I wouldn't be able to. I was still so broken, so hurt. I felt so guilty for breaking you too. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, as happy as you made me."

Her voice was breaking.

"And then we were together again and I was complete. I started healing. Your kiss, your touch, your embrace, they were my medicine. You were my savior. And then I gave you up. I gave you up because I found the very ring you have in your hands now. I gave you up because I thought you had moved on and I knew you had a right to. You know that saying 'If you love someone let them go, if they come back they're yours, if not they never were'?" I nodded. "That's what I did. I let you go, but you never left. You were still with me even when we weren't together. You were right here." She put a hand carefully over her abdomen. "I just didn't find out until five weeks later." Her eyes we tearing up but she continued.

"And I could not believe that you had given me what I thought I'd lost forever. What I had resigned myself I would never have. I could not believe you would give me a child. You have no idea how hard it was, Edward. To know you had created a miracle that we couldn't share. To be amazed by what you'd done and not being able to tell you. I didn't know how you would take it, I didn't know what you would say, how you would react. But I decided you had a right to know, this was your child too and you deserved to know. I had to put our baby before me so I came here. I came to tell you in person why I'd left and to give you the news of my pregnancy. I decided depending on how you reacted I would know what to do."

She came here? She had come to explain?

"When did you come, Bella?" Had I been working?

"The night before the fire. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to come. I took so long deliberating when and how to tell you that it wasn't until I had gotten a tiny bulge that I decided I couldn't put it off any longer. So I came here on a Saturday night. In the month and a half we spent together I learned your schedule so I knew you wouldn't be working. But you weren't here and I didn't know where you could be. I didn't want to call you because I thought maybe you'd be upset or your girlfriend might pick up the phone and I couldn't have dealt with that. So I went to the concierge, who remembered me from my stay and asked if he knew where you were or if you would come back soon, but he said you had just stepped out and you probably wouldn't come back for some time. He said that every Saturday for the past three months you went out and you came back late. That you started going out after I'd left the building."

Family dinners. Every fucking Saturday they made me go to family dinners.

"So I asked him not to tell you that I'd been here and I guess he didn't. I went back to my apartment and I closed myself in my room. I never wanted to tell you this but I had started buying things for the baby. All sorts of things: Clothes, bottles, comb sets, everything I could get inside without Seth noticing. And then the fire happened and all of that got destroyed. And it hurt me so much; I wasn't able to save anything. And I knew in my heart it was my fault, that I couldn't and wouldn't be a good Mother. That I really was a danger magnet.

"And then I just waited in the hospital for hours, the baby was too small to feel still so I didn't know if it was okay or not, I didn't know if something had happened to it. And then you came in just as they were about to do the ultrasound and I wanted more than ever to have you leave. I would deal with a negative outcome somehow, but you didn't know and I didn't want you to find out I was pregnant just to hear I had lost that baby too. But you stayed and you were so happy. About everything, you were so glad I was okay and you were ecstatic about the baby and that scared me more than anything, what would happen to you if the baby wasn't okay? How would you deal with that? So I shut down, I gave into fear. I was relieved the baby was fine but I was scared that something would happen anyway."

She went to look down.

"That's why it took me so long to be expressive in the beginning, to enjoy pregnancy. That's why I didn't want to buy anything for it. I was just waiting to be told I'd lost it too somehow. But then I had that dream about it and I realized what I was doing wasn't fair. And that night the baby kicked, do you remember that? I felt my baby kick for the first time with its Father by my side. It was so incredible, so extraordinary, it was you, you made everything better by just being there. Your presence healed me, you were the reason I started to enjoy our daughter, the reason I started to believe that she would be okay, that she would join us.

"That's why I couldn't let you give up in the hospital. Because you were doubting what had taken us so long to get, because you were walking away from the miracle you had created. Because I already knew what giving up felt like. Because the minute we saw her all my fears went away. I had finally healed after hurting for so long. And one word from me was all it took for you to believe me, for you to stand next to me. You had a right to be scared but since I asked you not to you weren't. You let go of your fears for me." She smiled and cupped my cheek.

"So the reason I need this ring, the reason no other one will do is because this ring has seen us through it all. This ring, the ring I would've said yes to three years ago simply because I loved you more than life itself is the same ring I say yes to today because of all that happened. Because every time I look at it I'll be reminded that I already lost you, and I'll be grateful to have been lucky enough to have gotten you back. Every time I look down at it I'll know to enjoy every single second I get with you and our daughter, never to take either one of you for granted. Because this ring represents us, our love, our sacrifice but most importantly our maturity. As much as I wish we'd never gone through what we did, I know we're better parents now because of it, better human beings. So, for all you knew and all I just told you, I can't possibly accept any other ring: It's the one you picked, the one you kept." She tightened her grip on my hand and I pulled her to me and crushed her lips with mine.

After we'd come from the hospital she'd told me most of what happened, but I was so focused on letting her know nothing had been her fault that I'd completely forgotten to even ask how she'd dealt with everything. I had just hoped than in time she'd get better, that in time she would heal.

Her hand let go of mine and went to grip my hair with both. This kiss was intense. This kiss was the one that told the both of us we had finally let go of all the pain, that there was no more room for old sadness. We had finally healed and we'd done it together.

Her mouth opened and my tongue sneaked in. I held her tighter to me; my goal was to fuse us together, to make us one. Her hands released my hair and settled on my shoulders. I leaned a little without breaking our kiss and we fell on the bed. I broke the kiss then. I didn't want her to think I wanted something more. She had to heal physically first. And truth be told, I was a little afraid, the last time we'd been together I'd sent her into premature labor.

I sat on the bed with my back to the headboard and brought her close. She snuggled into my side, with her head on my shoulder and our joined hands over my chest.

"Edward?" She asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"Was that kiss a yes? Are you going to give me the ring?"

Crap, I'd forgotten.

I sat up a little straighter and turned to look at her. I opened the box and pulled out the ring carefully. I could see what she meant, why she'd want this ring and not any other one.

I took her hand as carefully as possible and went to her third finger. I looked up into her eyes and even though I'd blurted it and even though she'd already accepted I needed to ask her again. I needed to say those words, to finally get them out. With the ring at her fingertip I said what I wanted.

She was tearing up. "Love, I already begged you to marry me and you already accepted. But I need you to know why I want to be with you. It's very simple really, it's because I broke us and you healed us. Because you've always been there to help me. It's because I lost and found you too. Because I know in my heart that I'll never take you for granted. It's because you make me smile, love." Her tears fell. "It's because despite everything, you gave me another chance and the result of that chance is sleeping in the other room. Because every night you were away I felt you with me. You never left me, Bella." My eyes stung.

"It's because you filled and changed me so completely no one else would've ever come close. Because you're the only piece of the puzzle with which I fit. Because you gave me a daughter I need as much as you. But mostly, mostly it's because every day my love for you increases, every day I admire you more and every day I fall in love with you again. So please, please do me the honor of becoming my wife." I lifted one of my hands and tucked her hair behind her ear. I kissed her cheek softly. The ring still hung in the air.

I dried her tears and let her look into my soul. "Isabella Marie Swan." I asked, in a controlled voice as I could muster. "Will you marry me?"

"YES!" She screamed, while her tears reignited. I smiled as wide as I could and I went to push the ring, to place it in its rightful spot, the one it would never leave. Both our hands were shaking.

A few seconds later there it was. Resting on her finger, the newest promise we'd made to the other. I bent down to kiss her ringed finger, then her hand and finally I looked at her again. "Thank you, love." And then she attacked me. Her hands rounded on my shoulders in a hug so tight her broken sobs were barely visible.

Mine flew over her waist and I didn't let go. I would never again let go.

Maybe the baby knew how special today was; maybe she knew what I was doing right now and how important to Mommy and Daddy it was. Because as small as she was, she never once cried. She let her parents celebrate a long overdue engagement until we were ready to include her in it.

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I woke up to the sound of a crying Arianna.

I went to look at the clock: 7:24 a.m. Time for her breakfast.

After Bella and I finally got engaged we just held on to the other. We didn't kiss, we didn't run our hands all over the other, we just held each other. We sat in bed in an embrace until our sobs subsided; it was one of the most intimate moments we'd ever shared because there was nothing blocking us, nothing pulling us apart. Our presence was all we needed.

Once the sobs ended I lay us on the bed, with my arm on the small of her back and her head on my shoulder, again saying nothing, just enjoying our closeness. Almost as a reflex her hand came up to rest on my chest, right over my heart with the ring shining beautifully on her finger.

As much as she had craved food, she was always careful not to go overboard. That and her natural smallness had prevented her from gaining what she would've considered too much weight. Her belly was always small and she didn't reach the part of her pregnancy in which her feet and hands would become a little swollen. For all those reasons the ring was a perfect fit. It fit her as well as it would have three years ago.

I just took in the sight before me. The hand of the woman I loved finally wearing the ring that bore my promise.

She kept track of my heartbeat and eventually she closed her eyes. She looked so peaceful, so untroubled, so complete. I kissed the top of her head and let her smell fill my senses.

She fell asleep in my arms and I just looked on. Watching her little chest expand, predicting how long her breaths would last. Engraving into my memory the feeling or her sleeping form in my arms.

After an hour I let her go. I had to go check on the baby. I was careful not to wake her. She looked too restful to disturb. I tiptoed out of the room and tiptoed into our daughter's. She was the same as her Mother. Sleeping carelessly, unfazed. And from the tiny hint of a smile tugging on her lips I'd say she was having the sweet dreams I hoped she would.

I went to prepare a bottle. I had some ready in case Arianna wouldn't have taken Bella. I tried to remember what I had learned about temperature and sterilizing. As much as I wanted Bella to share a connection with Arianna, I wanted to know what it felt like to feed her. To cradle her in my arms and offer her the nourishment she needed. To feel that I could provide for her too.

Just when I was about to test the temperature I heard a tiny whimper. I smiled. Just in time.

I squirted a little drop of milk in my hand and was pleased with the heat. It seemed correct.

I walked into the room and turned on the little lamp. I put the bottle down, draped a cloth over my shoulder like I'd seen Bella do and then went to my baby.

Her eyes were open but she wasn't crying. I smiled down at her and picked her up carefully. Once in my arms I placed a little kiss on her soft cheek. I went to take the bottle and sat down in the same chair Bella had vacated just a few hours ago.

I looked down at her again and I couldn't help but notice all the similarities between her and her Mother. Apart from looking exactly like her, Arianna seemed to have inherited Bella's quiet demeanor. Would she hate having people fuss over her too? Well, tough break for her. She was my daughter and that made her the center of my life. I would fuss and worry and probably overreact in all situations that affected her. I would never leave her alone if I could help it.

Another tiny cry escaped her. "Are you hungry, sweetie? Do you mind if Daddy feeds you? Do you mind taking a bottle for me? Mommy's sleeping, honey. I can go call her if you want, though. But I wish you would let me feed you too, I want to feel useful too, baby." For some inexplicable reason my eyes were stinging.

I lifted the bottle. And with as much care as I conducted an operation I placed the rubber on her lips. She immediately opened her mouth and took it. She started drinking two seconds later. I let out a relieved breath I didn't know I was holding and then I smiled. It would never be what Bella did for her, but it was as close as I would ever get. I was feeding my baby; I started feeling like a Father in that moment. Like a man who could provide and take care of his family.

"I love you, sweetie. I hope you know that." I felt a lump in my throat.

What Bella had said was right. Because of what we went through we appreciated what we had now even more. Even though I would've loved and provided for the first baby too. I doubt I would've felt this desperate need to know I could care for it. I doubt I would've cried as I fed it because I finally felt worthy of doing it. Because it would let me do it.

I felt hot tears roll down my cheeks and I smiled. "Thank you, Arianna. For all the things you do for me. You have no idea how much they mean to me." I started rocking us back and forth slowly.

I looked into her eyes and saw all the pureness in the world shining in them. "Guess what, sweetie? Mommy and Daddy are engaged. After everything that happened Daddy could finally ask Mommy to marry him. Do you remember before, when Mommy was feeding you? Well, before you let out your little burp I begged her to marry me. When we went to our room she said yes. She didn't even doubt it, can you believe it? She said she would marry me wherever, whenever and however." My smile grew. "Do you have any ideas? What would you like more: a winter wedding or a summer wedding?" She blinked. "Well put, honey. I think Mommy should pick too. When you're older, little love- though please make it many, _many_ years from now- you'll get married too. And just like Mommy you'll have chosen the wedding you want. But do you think Mommy would like to be surprised? Can I tell you a secret? Promise you won't tell?" She blinked again. "Alright, I trust you. I was thinking about arranging the wedding Mommy wants without her knowing. Kind of like our little project with this room. Do you think she'd like that? My excuse would be that she said she'd marry me any day and any way. But to be completely honest with you I just want to do for her what she did for me.

"I want us to get married in three months, honey. On September 13th, that's Mommy's birthday and I just want to make it as special as she made mine. I want my gift for her to be the start of our forever. Do you think she would like that? I think maybe she might. Should I ask her, though? I plan on asking her and arranging everything as she tells me, I plan on surprising her with the wedding she always dreamed of on the exact day she turns 27. But it's her wedding too so I'm not sure. The good part about that plan is that if she says no we'll still have a reason to celebrate. I wouldn't be putting her on the spot, you know? Because, trust me, sweetheart. Mommy _abhors_ being put on the spot. And the last thing I want is to have her feel left out. Especially of something so significant. What do _you_ think I should do, honey?"

I waited and my answer was the slight drooping of her soft pink eyelids, which I just now realized matched the walls exactly. She was falling asleep in my arms too, just like her Mother had before her. I felt incredible then.

"Am I doing a good job, sweetie? I know Mommy's better but I need to learn too, I'm your Daddy and I want to do as much for you as I possibly can. Whatever you want, just name it, darling." I angled my arm carefully and placed a kiss on her tiny forehead.

And then we lapsed into silence, I was just watching her fight against the heaviness of her eyes while continuing to eat and rocking us back and forth quietly.

After a few minutes she went limp and her mouth stopped moving. I took the bottle out carefully and imitated Bella's actions. I didn't lift her with as much ease as Bella did but at least I didn't wake her up. Once over my shoulder I cupped my hand, I got scared though. She was still so small and my hand was probably wider than her back. I didn't want to wake her but I most especially did not want to hurt her. Inhaling bravery I let my hand come in contact with her tiny back with as much care and restraint as I possessed. She didn't wake up crying so I took it as a good sign. I repeated the action a good amount of times. Was I being too soft? It hadn't taken Bella this long to burp her. I increased my strength by a pinch; I would burp her all night if I had to as long as I didn't hurt her. After a few more pats I felt her little chest give way to a burp and I smiled. I'd actually done it; I'd fed my daughter by myself.

I started to get up and took her from my shoulder without jostling her too much so I wouldn't wake her. I took her into my arms again and…oops, a little baby spit. I put her carefully in my forearm and went to take the little cloth to clean her mouth. There, all better.

I leaned down to give her a little kiss again and set her on the crib to continue resting.

A louder cry took away my remains of sleep.

I turned my head to see Bella waking up too. She yawned while getting up. She turned around and saw me getting up too.

"Good morning." She said with a smile. "How did you sleep?" She extended her hand and I took it. We left the room to go check on our daughter.

"Morning, love. I slept next to you so I couldn't have slept better." I said and kissed the top of her head.

We entered the nursery and Bella immediately went to pick up Arianna.

"Oh, what's wrong, sweetie?" She placed a kiss on her forehead and took her to the changing table to unwrap her. She calmed down a bit. Once the blanket was off Arianna's little hands went wild, she was moving them like she never had before, I made to grab one of her hands and she cupped my finger with hers. "Are you claiming Daddy as your own, princess? Can you share him with me?" Bella laughed.

"Of course she can, love. She knows Mommy and Daddy are getting married." I looked into Bella's eyes and the same thrill that was there yesterday was there today.

"Yes, we are." She said in a whisper that was meant only for me. I smiled at her too.

Arianna held a little surprise for us today. It was time for us to tackle diaper duty. I didn't love her any less but a young lady shouldn't do such things. Oh, well, it's all part of the package I guess. I'll take it.

Many baby wipes later, we got a new, clean diaper on her and Bella lifted her to feed her.

I hoped my feeding her with the bottle wouldn't affect Bella's breastfeeding. I had a back up plan but I really didn't want to use it.

I got the cloth and the pillow and followed her to the rocking chair. She sat down and I put the pillow on her arm before she placed the baby on it. I put the cloth over her shoulder; I did all of that one-handed because Arianna still hadn't let go of my finger. I kissed her little hand.

Just like before Bella unbuttoned her shirt and lifted our baby to her. Arianna moved her head a few times before finding a good spot and starting to take her breakfast. Phew. I hadn't messed things up for them, then. I went to look at Bella and she looked as relieved as I felt.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Why should she look relieved today, when she looked marveled yesterday?

She knew what I meant. "I didn't know if she would breastfeed today."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, I thought maybe yesterday was a fluke or something. I mean I'd only done it once so I'm hardly an expert. I just thought maybe she would want to go back to the bottle is all."

"If she had gone back to the bottle, would you still have wanted to try breastfeeding?"

"Yes. I want to do it for as long as I can." She ran her free hand over the baby's hair. "But what if she just doesn't want to do it all of a sudden, or if it starts hurting too much?" She asked in a whisper.

"Then we'll do what my Father did." That was my contingency plan from the beginning; I just really hoped I didn't have to use it to avoid any unnecessary stress on Bella.

"What do you mean?" She asked with a little frown.

"Well, when Emmett was born my Mother really wanted to breastfeed, just like you she wanted to feel that bond. And for the first few days it worked well but then the pain started and she couldn't do it anymore. She was hurting really badly; she had torn and cracked and bloody…special bottles." I blushed again at the term. "Anyway, she felt bad, because she felt like she was failing my Father and their son somehow, but the pain was so excruciating that she was ready to throw in the towel. So my Father, who knew how much she wanted to nurse, hired a lactation consultant. It wasn't meant to make my Mother think he thought she needed help, or that she was failing, it was just his way of helping her in what he could. If she wanted to breastfeed and there was a way to make it happen then my Father would find that way. Because he loved her and he wanted to make her happy.

"So when the lady came, she watched my Mother's technique and corrected the problem. She didn't break off the suction before pulling Emmett off, which was really quite minor in retrospect. The lady helped her a lot and because of his gesture my Mother loved my Father even more. When I was born she didn't suffer at all because she knew what to do and how to do it."

"That's so sweet. Carlisle's gesture, even _I_ can see how much it would've meant to Esme." She smiled at me. "And you would do it for me?"

"Of course, love. My Father told me this on my birthday. Arianna was still in the hospital and he knew that once she came home breastfeeding could be a little difficult. He didn't want us to go through what they did so he gave me the lady's number just in case we needed it. But since I wanted to make sure we tried first I didn't tell you."

"I guess the sweetness gene runs in the Cullen family." She said a little chocked up.

"Well, Emmett skipped it." I said in a serious voice and she laughed.

----------------------------

After she ate, with absolutely no problems, we gave Arianna her first bath. Well, her first bath with us.

She loved it; she made little giggling noises and touched the water as if she wanted to catch it. Admittedly, it ran a little longer than necessary because we didn't stop taking pictures. In our defense, though, it was a milestone.

We dressed her up in one of the many outfits Alice got for her and then spent the afternoon reading to her in our bed. Bella was holding her and I was reading to her. She paid attention to my voice, I think she was starting to recognize it, maybe she was associating it from when I talked to her in the belly because when I spoke up suddenly her little head made to move in my direction. She didn't find me because she wasn't strong enough yet to hold her own head or move at her leisure but she made the effort and that was enough for me.

After we finished the book we just talked to her. Described everything from the color of her hair to the shape of the leaves on the trees at Grandpa and Grandma Cullen's house. Which we promised her she would one day see. We didn't watch T.V., we didn't make any calls, we just talked to her and to each other. We told her how we met and how she came to be. We even told her about the little guardian angel she had, well, I did, Bella couldn't really speak for crying at that point. I held them closer to me.

When the day came to an end we had to go put her back in her crib, I didn't want to let go but she had to sleep. She wasn't cooperating though; she was restless and active so I thought I'd try music. She hadn't heard music so far so I didn't know how she would take it. I chose a song that was important to me. It was the first one Bella and I ever dance to as a couple.

'Wonderful tonight' by Eric Clapton started playing in the background and Bella's eyes immediately filled with tears. So she remembered then.

I went to the middle of the room where they were. "May I have this dance?" I asked her in a quiet voice.

She nodded and a few tears fell. I took the baby from her and put her on my shoulder, carefully holding her with on arm and the other one went to circle around Bella's waist. She settled on my left side and one of her hands came to rest on the baby too while her head rested on my chest and we started swaying.

My eyes closed and my life replayed in my head. I had grown up so much, I had matured so much but as much as things changed one stayed constant. The woman in my arms, the Mother of my child, my future wife. She had seen me through it all; we had shared it all together.

I heard a little sob escape her and I went to look at her. "Love, what's the matter?" I whispered.

Her tear stricken eyes hooked with mine. She smiled. "When we first danced to this song I never though I needed anything else, now I can't imagine ever doing it again without our daughter."

I smiled too. "Neither can I, love." I bent my head and placed a kiss on her lips.

When we pulled apart we went to look at Arianna, she had fallen asleep.

The song finished and started again. We kept swaying to the music in the middle of the room: My daughter, my Fiancée and I.

A few tears escaped my eyes too at that realization.

* * *

**So sweet. You know what's even sweeter? Carlisle's gesture was actually what "journey2002"'s husband did for her. She was nice enough to PM me with an idea for something sweet for Edward to do and she shared that personal experience for us all to enjoy. Since the PM was so personal and nice I wrote it as she did, you're basically reading it verbatim. Thank you so much for that. It gives me hope that there _are_ a few Edwards out there! **

**Next chapter will be up after I re-upload all the others. Have you guys seen the amount of typos in all the unbetaed chapters? You'd think I didn't go to school. So anyway, if you recieve like 20 e-mails from me feel free to ignore them, it's just old chapters. And yes, I hate personal typos, they irritate me to no end, I mean I know I'm not perfet but crap, I do the chapters in Word! **

***Breaths deeply while rubbing earlobes and chanting "Ooza"***

**Have a great day.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Things would be a lot easier if we just _pretend_ like I didn't take 12 days to update. Pretty please? No? No? NO? Why not? What can I do?... _Oh_, that's right, I forgot to tell you I was sorry about it. Well, I am, and I girl scout promise it won't happen again. The fact that I was never a girl scout is, of course, completely irrelevant.**

**Let's just move on to the thanks, why don't we?**

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**For** **favoriting: brytam, Emolaaay, keibi, MalyssaQuark, RedWings21k, sarahwj, tkeaton1, tndavis and TrulyAGeek. **

**Thanks to keibi and tkeaton1 for favoriting me as an author. (He-he)**

**As usual thanks to Channy for discussing with me the plausibility of time-traveling. And for betaing the chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

A move of her head

"Hello?"

"IT'S HERE!"

"Alice?"

"EDWARD, IT"S HERE! IT'S FINALLY HERE!"

I made my way to the bathroom so Bella wouldn't hear Alice's shrieking. I locked the door behind me and sat on the edge of the bathtub.

"Alice, lower your voice, Bella's in Arianna's room and I don't want her to hear you."

"It's here!" She repeated with just as much excitement but at a more acceptable level.

"And?" I hoped more than anything that it looked good.

She exhaled. "Edward, it's incredible. She's going to look absolutely stunning in it."

I smiled and let out a relieved breath. "Really? It looks nice? It's absolutely vital it looks nice, Alice. It's her wedding gown."

Bella's wedding gown. Bella's wedding gown for when she married _me_. For what I'd wanted for so long actually happened. For when we became husband and wife.

Yes, it was imperative that the gown be perfect. Seeing as she wouldn't ever see it 'til the actual day I had to make sure she would love it.

"It looks amazing, Edward. It's so her, I can tell you she's going to love it."

I hoped she did. I hoped she liked my surprise. She didn't know it yet but our wedding was in two days…if she wanted. I questioned my decision again. Planning our wedding without her knowing. Granted, all of the details were what she wanted. Alice had gotten all the information we needed with subtle hints and a few "research afternoons". She chose everything, she just didn't know it.

My smile threatened to disappear. I ran my hand through my hair. "Should I just tell her Alice? I don't know how she'll take it. It's her wedding too and she didn't get to plan anything in it. Am I being selfish? I don't want to hurt her, I don't want her to feel left out or compromised, I don't want her to marry because it's all planned, I want her to do it because she wants to. I- I just want to do something nice for her, you know? I-"

"Edward, for the millionth time. She'll love it." She sounded exasperated. Well, all our conversations regarding the wedding ended in my questioning the whole thing. If I were her I'd be exasperated too. She took a steadying breath. "Edward, Bella loves you and she'd marry you anywhere. And in anything, the details wouldn't matter to her, _trust me._" I was sure that her last statement was accompanied by a rolling of the eyes. "Look, Edward, when you told me your plan I told you I would help you. I want to help you plan your wedding not because I like organizing parties, but because I'm extremely happy that this is actually happening for the both of you. You both deserve to be happy and if I can help in any way I'll do it, but you have got to stop worrying. Everything we got was what she picked. Every last detail. I rode her hard for information Edward, she told me everything, from the centerpieces to the curtains, I got it all. It's all set, in two days you guys are finally getting married because trust me Edward, there's no way she won't appreciate what you did for her, you planned the wedding of her dreams just for her birthday. She'll love it. Anyone would."

I closed my eyes and exhaled once again. I hoped she was right. "What's the dress like?" The one detail in which I had no input, I'd never seen it. Alice said I wasn't supposed to see it until the actual date so she made it her mission to ask Bella how she would like it and have it custom made for her.

"You've waited nearly three months Edward; you can wait for two more days." Nope, no way to make her budge.

"Are you sure it'll fit her, Alice? I mean she's never even seen it so how can you be sure you got the measurements right? She didn't gain much weight with Arianna but-"

"Again, for the millionth time yes. I'm sure it'll fit her perfectly. Look, she gained less than 15 pounds with the baby and she's already lost most of it. Besides, I'm a designer, I measure women for a living or did you forget? I can do it with no tools. I'm sorry to tell you this but measuring tapes are obsolete, it's all about gauging." She finished with a smile in her voice.

"It'll fit her Edward and she'll look gorgeous in it and she'll love everything you did for her and she'll marry you because she wants to. Stop worrying."

Easier said than done.

"When are you guys getting here?" She was trying to put a stop to my worries.

"We leave in the afternoon."

"Alright, well, once you get here be sure to keep her out of the backyard. They're going to start bringing everything tomorrow. They're going to use the kitchen entrance but still."

"Okay, we have plans to visit Charlie so we'll probably just spend the whole day there."

We lapsed into silence. I broke it first.

"Thanks again Alice, for helping me and for reassuring me, I don't know if I've said it but I really appreciate it."

"As I said once before Edward, I'm practically your sister, there's not much I wouldn't do for you."

"There is no 'practically' Alice." I'd always known it but for the first time I'd said it. She was just as much my sister as Emmett was my brother.

No, there was never a 'practically'.

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"Hey, pretty baby." Charlie cooed to Arianna.

He hadn't seen her since she was a month and a half and he went up to visit us. Arianna turned three months old in three days.

It was such a nice stage, she was much more alert, she moved around a little more and paid a little more attention to things, the shapes and colors. When she grabbed something she rarely ever let go of it. Her favorite thing to hold now that she actually could was her rattle.

It was lightweight despite being silver, designed specifically for children to grasp and not injure themselves accidentally.

She let out a baby gurgle and moved her little hand to his face, trying to catch his mustache.

She was such an easy baby, she had her moments but overall she was very complacent, very uncomplicated. She was sleeping for long periods of time at once, was still feeding well, she was inquisitive, she was very curious and aware of her surroundings but mostly- and this was the adjective I hoped would forever accompany her- she was happy. She was a joyous baby girl, healthy despite her rough beginning.

She weighed 10 pounds 8 ounces and measured 21 inches now. They were within the normal range. She would probably always be a little bit smaller but it wasn't unhealthy. Her hair was growing a little more now; it extended a bit more than the little tuft in the middle. Her eyes, just like Bella's, were an open window for me as well. They told me everything I needed to know. I loved to watch them widen when Bella and I played with her. But most especially I loved to hear her little giggles escape her. I loved knowing that she was happy with us, that we were providing well for her. For Bella's and my sake it was important that she be happy, that we were the parents she deserved to have.

Arianna's little fingers closed around Charlie's mustache, taking his upper lip in her little fist as well and leaving him open-mouthed, ironically, he looked like a hooked fish.

"Did you get your Grandpa, sweetie?" Bella laughed and came closer to them so she could untangle Charlie, who looked a little lost being at the mercy of a three month old. She carefully released her hand and then kissed the top of it. Arianna moved her gaze to her Mother and smiled a gummy smile.

She recognized us now, our voices and faces and she was nice enough to send us a smile whenever she could. Bella smiled down at her too and her eyes shined like they always did whenever she looked down at our daughter, like she assured me mine did too.

"It's amazing how much she looks like you Bells." Charlie said in a somewhat awed voice.

Bella locked her eyes with Charlie and smiled at him too. A second later she ran her hand on top of our daughter's head. "Except for her hair." She said in a soft voice. Second only to her eyes, her hair was Bella's favorite feature on our baby, when I asked her why she simply said: "because it's exactly like her Daddy's."

"Lucky for her it's just in color." I said. "She was smart enough to avoid the mane-like texture."

"Yeah, it would be a bit hard for a girl to live with that hair." Charlie agreed eying the discussed object. Ever since Arianna had been born we had settled on a new relationship, a more comfortable one. He knew I would never allow anything bad to happen to either his daughter or granddaughter and he thanked me for it. And I thanked him for agreeing to give me what I wanted most: his daughter's hand in marriage.

Two days after we got engaged I called Charlie. I'd gone about it the wrong way; I was supposed to ask him first. I didn't do it the first time either because I always felt like it was Bella's decision but this time, this time I did, because now I had a daughter of my own and I would hate to be left out of the pivotal choices she made in her future. I wouldn't make decisions for her but I still hoped she would at least share them with me.

And once I asked him not for his permission to marry his daughter but for his blessing of our union his entire demeanor changed with me, he finally saw what Bella and I knew: we were forever.

Arianna's little eyes scrunched closed for a second and her little hands turned to fists and went to her chest. Charlie looked completely confused but Bella and I knew perfectly well what that meant.

"Um, Dad, you might want to give her back to me now."

"I didn't do anything to her Bella, I swear I didn't pinch her." Charlie's voice sounded anxious. I guess Bella didn't warn them as a baby. Not like this anyway.

She laughed a little and extended her hands to take Arianna. "Don't worry Dad. We were scared the first time too." She held the baby close to her chest and placed a kiss on her little rosy cheek. "You worried Grandpa Charlie, honey. We forgot to tell him about your poopy alerts." Her voice carried as she took the baby to what used to be her room but was now Arianna's nursery.

With all the things Alice got we were able to set up two more nurseries for Arianna, one at Charlie's and one at my parent's, fully stocked, clothes and all. She hadn't really used them because we wanted to wait until she was a little older to make the trip here, but with the wedding being tomorrow- hopefully- she had finally seen her other rooms. The excuse though, was that we were here to celebrate Bella's birthday. Only Charlie and Alice knew the truth.

Charlie turned to face me. "Everything set?" he asked in a low voice.

"Yes, Alice took care of everything." I whispered back.

He nodded and we settled into silence again for a bit. "Good luck Edward, I really hope everything works out for the both of you. It can be hard at times but…just don't give up, okay? No matter what, just never give up and you'll see you'll be alright." His personal experience was spoken aloud for the first time. It surprised me.

"I won't. Ever." I promised. He took that in and came close.

And for the first time in my life Charlie Swan gave me a welcoming hug.

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I placed the cupcake on the dresser and went quietly to my daughter. And I smiled at my luck, she was awake. Not even fighting sleep, she was completely alert, almost as if she knew everything would be much more perfect if she were there.

I took her carefully into my arms and placed a little kiss on her forehead and spoke softly. "Hey sweetheart, I'm so glad you're awake. I need you right now but I didn't want to wake you." I looked at the little clock. Eight minutes.

"We better hurry, honey." I put her down in the changing table and unscrewed the paint jar. The non-toxic pink paint jar. I dipped her palm in it and then went to open the card and pressed it gently on it. After I lifted the card and checked how it turned out I put it away to dry, went to get some baby wipes and started cleaning her little hand. A few minutes later the paint came off.

I started blowing on the paint. It said it was easy dry but a little extra help wouldn't hurt.

I picked my baby up and combed her bronze hair softly with my fingers.

I went to the dresser, took the candle out and put it in the middle of the frosting. I got the lighter out of my pocket and carefully lit it. Arianna was aware of my every move so I was careful to keep everything out of reach; I wouldn't let her get burned.

I went back to the card and checked if it had dried. It had. I lifted it carefully and turned to my baby. "Now, sweetie. This is very important. It's your Mommy's first ever Birthday card from you and it can't get ruined, not before she sees it. Since I can't give it to her because it comes from you I'm going to let you personally hand it to her, you can add a little smile to that gesture if you want. Actually, that'd be perfect; do you think you can do it?" I touched my nose to her little cheek and she smiled, she was practicing.

"Alright little love, I'm trusting you, keep it safe until Mommy sees it, okay?" I kissed her forehead again, her vibrant green eyes locked with mine and then moved to the card. She was almost reaching out for it, I placed it carefully in between our chests, her little fingers made to grab the corner, I picked up the pastry and left for my former room with a minute to spare.

At my parents' house Arianna's nursery was across the hall from my old bedroom on the third floor.

I used my elbow to push the little handle down and carefully opened the door.

Bella was standing in front of the glass wall, facing the outside forest. Looking at the full moon that gave the night a yellow glow. She didn't hear me come in.

I looked at the clock again. 12:00 a.m. It was officially her birthday.

I approached her silently, Arianna was still absorbed in the card so she didn't make any noise.

Once behind her I started with the first one of today's gifts.

I carefully wrapped the hand that was holding her cupcake around her waist and she settled into my right side, she turned a little so she could face Arianna and me better. I gave her a kiss on the cheek and then whispered in her ear. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mommy, happy birthday to you."

She extended her hand to the baby and started rubbing her little foot, she looked at me and I saw tears forming in her eyes. She smiled next and came closer to give me a kiss. I thought it would be a gentle kiss, like the most we shared when our daughter was between us, but it was a strong kiss that, when we pulled apart, left me a little breathless.

She smiled as wide as she could. "Thank you so much for this Edward. I was up waiting for you because I can't seem to fall asleep without you when I know you're near, but I never imagined you were doing this. It was the perfect gift." She took her free hand and cupped my cheek.

"Well, love this is actually Arianna's gift for you. Mine will be later in the day." Almost around dark.

She turned to face her. "Is that true, princess? You got Mommy a birthday gift?" At the sound of her voice Arianna moved her little head to face Bella and opened her tiny mouth in a smile, a second later she looked down at the wedged card again and finally closed her fingers around it. Bella came closer to help her take it out and held it in their joined hands.

Almost as if she knew she had to let Mommy enjoy this moment, the baby let go.

Bella ran her fingers over the simple word that graced the cover, once she traced all five letters, which left no doubts that the card was from a child, she opened it with what I thought were shaky fingers, and then she gasped. It was a quiet gasp that soon turned into a sob.

She took it all in, the picture that she didn't know existed which was taken by me and glued to the left side, the little message that was just for her on the right side and the signature in the form of our daughter's palm at the bottom.

That picture would forever be one of my favorite ones. I took it the first day I had to go back to work, I was anxious to get back to them. I missed them more than I thought possible, so when I got back home I immediately went to the nursery where I figured they'd be, they weren't there. I went to our room and quietly opened the door and just relished the sight before me.

Bella was in the middle of the room, her eyes closed and her expression serene. She was holding Arianna, whose expression matched her Mother's. The song we had danced to two days before could be heard in the background. She was swaying her hips slightly. Rocking both of them a little.

She was wearing one of my shirts, like so long before, this one also covered everything it had to, only her smooth legs and bare feet were visible. Her right hand was supporting our baby's diapered tushy, her left arm was holding her head and upper back. Arianna was snuggled comfortably on her Mommy's chest.

And there, taking in the sight of a Mother and a daughter holding on to each other while exchanging no words but sending a million messages to a bystander like me I realized I had finally witness perfection. I thought I had before, I had come close, very, very close but there was no denying it: Bella, unfazed and untroubled holding our baby to her chest while remaining unperturbed by the outside world was as miraculous and extraordinary as witnessing aurora borealis or a midnight sun. Its beauty amazed and humbled you.

She would never know just how thankful I would forever be to have witnessed that, just how much it warmed my heart.

That was the picture she was now seeing.

Her head moved to my face and I took in her teary face, she wiped her tears and gave me and our baby a watery smile. Her eyes focused on the words:

_I can't talk or write yet but on this very special day I still found a way to tell you I love you as much as you love me._

_For every hug you give me, for every kiss you share, for every single second you have dedicated to me my eyes shine when they see you as well._

_Someday soon I'll be able to tell you all this and just like you do mine I'll kiss your tears dry too._

_Happy birthday Mommy,_

_Arianna Isabella_

She carefully traced each of the little painted fingers with her index one. Her eyes focused on me and she cried openly. She put the card down on the bookcase, then extended her arms and I gave our baby to her. She placed a soft kiss on her head and held her as tight as she dared; her cries made them both shake. She opened her puffy red eyes and locked them to mine, 'thank you' she only mouthed. She couldn't speak through her tears.

And then a first for me happened, I let her cry her happy tears with a smile on my face. I made no move to wipe them off.

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"Happy birthday Bella!" Emmett's voice boomed and reverberated off the glass walls.

He ran to her and crushed her. Luckily Bella had just given Arianna to my Mother.

Every one else followed suit in a more moderate fashion.

It was 10 o'clock. Renee was getting here with Phil in an hour. And that completed the guest list.

It would be a small affair, family and five close friends only.

It was what she wanted, to have my family and hers, the three friends which were extended family to her by now: her former roommates and their own parents.

All in all it would be a ceremony with 14 guests. And one beautiful tiny flower girl.

Three hours later we were all sitting at the table enjoying a homemade lunch.

Renee had fussed about the baby. As soon as she stepped foot into the house she took her and she had not let go. She wanted to know every single detail of what had happened since she'd last seen her over two months ago.

We spoke regularly on the phone so new information was a bit narrow. That didn't stop her, she- and everyone else- were informed again of each milestone our daughter had reached up 'til that point, when we said she was smiling now which she was nice enough to demonstrate.

Everyone aww-ed.

The hours passed and the time soon came for me to give Bella her gift, for me to ask her to marry me in a few hours.

Mustering all the courage I possessed I whispered in her ear. "Love, can you come with me? I- I have something I want to give you."

She turned to look at me and nodded with a smile.

We stood up and started excusing ourselves, most of them were absorbed by the baby so they didn't even notice us standing up, Alice and Charlie however held my gaze and asked the silent question. I nodded infinitesimally so Bella wouldn't see. We started walking and when she turned her back Charlie gave me an encouraging smile and Alice started bouncing in her seat.

I held her hand and made our way to the backyard slowly. We stopped and she took in the uncommon sight of thick golden curtains adorning the exit doors contrasting perfectly against white walls. The colors reminded me a lot of Arianna's nursery. The curtains were put in because it was her gift after all, it had to be unveiled.

I was nervous, really nervous I found myself running my free hand through my hair again and again, she was waiting for an explanation, her body was facing mine and a little question was visible in the form of a small furrowing of the brows.

She was alternating her gaze between the drapes and my face. "Is this what you wanted to give me? The curtains?" She smiled. "I love them, they're beautiful, the way they contrast against the white reminds me of the baby's nursery. They're absolutely gorgeous, I think they might be a bit too wide for our windows but we could always have them tai-"

"I didn't want to give you the curtains, Bella." Of all the things she could think I would give her. If I wasn't so nervous I would've laughed. Honestly, she never ceased to amaze me.

"Oh." She started blushing a little. "So what…?" she trailed off and started biting softly on her bottom lip.

Alright, this was it. It was time. I inhaled a little and brought my hand to brush her soft, loose hair behind her ear and came a little closer to her. Her teeth released her lip slowly and her cheek pressed against my palm. Her furrow cleared and I thought I heard a small sigh.

I just looked down at her trying to match the love that I could see in her eyes. I took her left hand carefully and kissed the top if it. I didn't release it. "Bella," my voice came in a whisper. "for your birthday I wanted to do something special, I- I wanted you to feel the joy you made me feel on mine. I wanted to do something significant, something that would mean as much to you as what you did meant to me. So behind the curtains love, is the gift that I hope will make you feel just that."

She turned her head to the doors again and slowly we made our way toward them. I pushed the drapes to the sides and opened the doors to let her see her gift. To let her judge it.

And then it happened, we walked hand in hand down the steps and into the garden, my gift couldn't be clearer, my intentions were obvious. There, in front of her was the setting Alice and I had learned she wanted for her wedding.

She gasped.

The small, wooden gazebo big enough for only the bride, groom and minister, the natural flowers surrounding it, the short carpeted aisle, the covered and ribboned chairs, white covers that touched the grass and topaz ribbons that tied at the back, seven on one side, six on the other to make room for Billy's wheelchair. The tall candle poles that would light the way to the altar, there were three on each side, they had a plate at the top so besides the wide strawberry-scented candles we also put flowers: freesias. All types of freesias, a myriad of little multicolored bulbs that circled the wax and settled perfectly.

That was for me, it was her, her scent. The scent that always filled my senses and seemed to cleanse me, to rid me of thoughts, whenever it invaded me I gave into it, just like her, it dazzled me.

Standing next to the chairs was something she didn't ask for, the only big liberty I took: an old fashioned baby stroller, it was metallic with big white wheels, a straight base and a rigid top cover. It had been mine; my parents had kept it in the attic once I had no need for it anymore. Arianna would still fit in it. After making absolutely sure that it was still in the condition to be used, I sent it for tapestry and improvement, it was originally light blue and even though I couldn't remember, it didn't look entirely comfortable. Two months later there it stood; it was pink, the same pink that graced my daughter's little cheeks, a rosy color. To go with today's festivities though it had been decorated not to contrast against the chairs, a special drape had been made to fit over the hood and base and a golden stripe ran at the bottom, at mattress level.

That was the other change I made to it, I had the mattress changed and put one in exactly like the one she had at home, I didn't want her to hurt no matter how little time she spent on it. The polished metal shined proudly, in the middle of the handle a velvet pouch was attached filled with the rose petals Alice, the self-proclaimed maid of honor would be showering onto the carpet as she pushed the stroller. The flower girl was still a bit too young for that.

"Edward." She said in a strangled voice. Her eyes were wide and moist.

"This is my gift for you Bella: the wedding you always dreamed of." I said in a small voice.

"That is, should you choose to accept it. I hope you don't feel betrayed, I hope you don't think I went behind your back, that I left you out. I wasn't trying to, I would never leave you out, like I said before I just wanted to make today special for you."

She turned to me and said nothing, her tears started falling. I was scared, this wasn't the reaction I was looking for but I would respect it, I wanted her to do what she wanted to do, I didn't want her to feel forced, her choice, it was her choice.

She started moving slowly and I followed, our hands still joined. We circled the chairs and came to rest in front of the stroller. She lifted a finger and carefully ran it over the hood.

"It's like yours." She said through her tears.

"It was mine. I had it made over for her." Her eyes connected with mine, she was crying, heavily, but she didn't look pained, she looked moved. As if she liked my gesture.

I felt a bout of confidence, she was crying, yes, but she was still holding my hand, even through her tears I could see the love she had for me, I could still look into her soul.

So I came closer to her and dried her tears. "If you don't want to it's okay, if you don't like it it's okay, if you want to plan it yourself it's okay, I can wait for as long as you want me to. But I still have to ask you and I hope you give me an honest answer, no one else knows so if you need to refuse it'll be fine." I smiled to prove my point. "But if you _do_ want to, if by choice you feel like you can do this, if you know in your heart you'll always cherish this then I would love for nothing more than for this to happen. I would love for us to celebrate an anniversary the same day as your birthday, I would love to know that I came close to giving you what you did when you let me hold Arianna first.

"Think about it Bella, think about it for as long as you need to and then please tell me, would you like to take me as your husband today?" I had spoken the truth, either outcome would be acceptable, one was desired more than anything, but it was still her choice.

And with a move of her head my answer was given.

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There is a difference between dreaming and remembering, I knew that well. So which one was I doing now? Was it a memory or a fantasy?

I saw it all clearly; I even felt the emotions of the moment. Anxiety reigned but there was also incredulity and unadulterated happiness. It was an odd combination but that was what I felt as I stood in a black tux in the middle of the wooden gazebo looking down at the guests who couldn't believe this was happening.

She nodded, her head had moved in a nod because her tears prevented her from speaking.

All the emotions I felt made perfect sense to me then.

She had agreed to marry me, today, tonight, right now. I looked down at my watch. In three minutes she would come out into the afternoon glow in a gown I had never seen before. In a gown that was much more special than any other ones combined. In three minutes I would be hers and she would be mine.

Three minutes never seemed longer.

I shifted my eyes around the garden, a late afternoon wedding, the sun would set by the time we were done, it was perfect, every one of her details was exactly what it needed to be.

I fixed my cufflinks again. And then my tie, my hair was next and finally the single yellow freesia that was resting on my lapel got a little shifted once again. I had found a routine that helped me keep my feelings to myself.

"Edward calm down or you'll ruin the poor flower." My Mother said from her seat. My eyes focused on her, she and all the guests were smiling up at me. So maybe the routine didn't keep the feelings inside. They were all looking at me as if they knew exactly what those feelings were.

I exhaled and then swallowed just for something to do.

But then I froze and the guests turned around. Alice was coming with the stroller in front of her. From her hand the petals were falling, creating a path that would lead Bella here, to me.

There was noise from the people and not a beep from me. I didn't know what to do, I settled for breathing.

And that was a wasted effort, as soon as the breaths made it to my lungs I felt them leave again. Music started, any other day I would've recognized it as the "Wedding March", from this moment on I would only remember it as the sound of happiness. Exultation became audible. And just when I thought I wanted to smile, just when I thought jubilance would be appropriate she came out and I forgot my own name.

She came out and I don't know how I reacted, I couldn't process anything other than her. I couldn't see anything else but her, her approaching figure in a wedding gown. And as Alice predicted she looked absolutely stunning in it. Her beauty stunned me to the point where thoughts were impossible and actions undoable.

A pain in my chest started and I didn't pay any attention. I was just looking at her take one by one the steps that would bring her to me. I became lightheaded and surprised myself by somehow diagnosing the cause, I had forgotten to breathe. I quickly amended that; I couldn't die now, not now.

And then she reached the steps that were the last thing that kept us apart. Acting on autopilot I went to her, I hadn't notice Charlie was leading her, I saw him only when he kissed her cheek and took her hand to put it over my own, which had of its own accord extended toward her. It was nice to know that even with a shut down brain my body knew how to react to her, it knew to always go to her.

Her hand was warm, I registered that. She came up the stairs and we took our place.

The minister started talking and I would never know what he said because I was looking at her and she was looking at me. And she looked as awed as I felt. She became blurry and I panicked, was I waking up from the dream? I blinked and she was there again, something hot ran down my cheeks.

I was crying. Realizing that brought me back. I was crying because I was marrying Bella. And my brain turned on again. I decided to smile, I smiled the smile I did when I heard about the baby, I smiled the smile that up until this point had been reserved for only the most intimate moments between the three of us. And it remained that way, because even though I knew where I was and who was here there was no one else.

My intimate smile had remained private. Because I couldn't see them, I couldn't feel them, the guests. This, right now was also an intimate moment between us.

And we stood there in a daze until she moved her head to the left.

"-the vows." I caught the last part of the minister's sentence.

The vows, ours vows to the other, our vows in marriage.

"Would you like to start, Miss Swan?"

Bella didn't have any vows, when she agreed she had been taken by all the women to change. I never thought about that.

"You can repeat the traditional ones after me, if that's better?" the minister told her when she didn't respond.

"No. I- I just, needed a second." She said in a small voice and dried her tears. She turned to me again and the minister suddenly disappeared. She tightened her grip on my hand and took a calming breath.

"Edward," my name had never carried so much emotion. "there are only two people in the world whom I love more than my own life: you and the daughter you gave me. So my vow to you in marriage comes in the form of hope. I hope that you, like her, never get to find out just how much I love you. I hope that no matter how hard you try you never see the end of it, that you never find it. Because my love for you Edward, it has no measure, it's not as big as or bigger than, it's infinite. It's never-ending." She blinked her tears from her eyes, I did too.

"I hope you feel it, that it always stays with you, that you always know it's there. I hope that even when we're not together you feel me in your heart like I do you. I hope you never miss me because you always know I'm there. I hope- I hope you find the comfort in my arms that I find in yours. I hope that when you look into my eyes you find my soul, I hope you know it belongs to you. And mostly I hope that I can take care of your heart, that I can keep it from hurting, but should it ever, I hope I can make it better, I'll try my hardest." She cupped my check. "I hope you never stop smiling Edward." she finished.

She had spoken from her heart, I had spent every second I could into my vows, I had tried a poem, a story, even a limerick, but no, the secret was that: just speaking from your heart. No matter what I said though, after Bella's, my own vows would pale in comparison.

"Mister Cullen?"

The smile Bella hoped would always stay there threatened to disappear. I didn't know how to begin. I had spoken from my heart to her before and now, when it really counted I was coming up empty. Crap.

But then her thumb ran softly across my cheek and I spoke without thinking. "Twenty-seven years ago to this day you were born 'Isabella Swan' and today by choice you become 'Isabella Cullen'. You'll never know how much that means to me, love. When you said you'd marry me anywhere and anytime I knew there was only one day I wanted this to happen, this is my gift to you Bella, the promise of forever, the proclamation in front of everyone who counts of my love for you. My gift to you is me, Bella. All of me, I'm giving myself entirely to you and you don't know how happy I am that you chose to accept. I come with flaws that you already know and some that I'm sure we'll find on the way but please keep in mind that for every mistake I make an amendment will follow." My voice broke.

"Our love's been tested in the most heartbreaking way. In the cruelest way because every second I spent without you I hated. But that's what has made me enjoy every minute I've gotten since you came back much more than I ever would've before. We were tested Bella and we came out triumphant so the doubt of us making it has never crossed my mind, we already made it, we're already here." I kissed her hand. "You have all of me Isabella and you'll have all of me for as long as you wish. I hope the tears you shed match my own, I hope they're always tears of happiness. I hope you never experience pain again but were that to happen I'll do what I can to make it go away, I'll hold your hand, I'll dry your tears, I'll whisper comforting words, I'll be there. I will always be there for you and Arianna. Happy birthday, love" my whisper was still broken but my smile met no barriers.

Neither did hers, we were staring into a mirror, our actions matched exactly, joyful grins that made the happy tears that kept flowing down our faces look beautiful.

For the second time in my life I cried in front of my entire family. Only this time I wasn't ashamed, I wasn't hoping they wouldn't see them, I was hoping these tears washed away the image of the ones they saw me shed in the bathroom, I was hoping they wouldn't miss my smile. Or hers, for it was beautiful. Her smile, her smile was all that mattered.

Words sounded in the background and I found myself placing with shaky fingers the white gold band with my name carved on the inside in cursive on her newly manicured finger, coming to rest after the diamond. And then her little hand came to mine and her trembling fingers pushed my band on my own. The band that bore her name inside, the name she had chosen to take. It was a perfect fit.

And then I heard them, the words that made my heart soar: "You may now kiss the bride."

I closed our gap slowly and put both my hands on her face, wiped her tears and looked into her eyes, they were shining with unshed tears, the sun setting gave her ivory shade a warm orange glow, her hair shined as well, the chocolate brown and red hints were joined by orange now as well. The sun finally set and I connected my lips with hers.

At twilight we shared our first kiss as husband and wife.

And clapping invaded my ears after that.

I felt myself stir and then I felt my eyes lids scrunch closed before opening and taking in the unfamiliar sight.

I was in a room I hadn't seen before, in a bed that wasn't mine, the sliding door was open and I could see a balcony, outside I could see a large amount of light blue water, I could hear the crashing of the waves and identify the smell of saltine air.

I was in a beach. And I didn't know why.

I was alone, there was no one else in the room but me, with my hips and legs covered in white silk sheets and my chest bare.

I had been dreaming, I was dreaming of Bella's and my wedding. My eyes flew to my left hand and I smiled, a white gold band was resting on my third finger.

No, I hadn't been dreaming, I had been remembering, I had been remembering Bella's and my wedding as I slept. I remembered everything then, where I was and what had happened.

And just to prove my point my wife walked in from the door that I knew connected to the other room, draped in a light blue two piece that matched the water but with a white see through cover over it. Out of everything she wore the smile was my favorite.

She wasn't alone, a baby girl who turned three months exactly today was nestled on her chest, her vibrant green eyes open, a happy cry escaped her when she noticed me.

"Look sweetie, Daddy finally woke up." She said with a smile.

It wasn't a honeymoon, it was our first ever family vacation. That was better than anything else: just the three of us in paradise.

She came and sat down carefully on the bed, she turned to me and I crushed my lips to her.

When we separated we touched our foreheads. "Good morning, husband" she said in a low voice, with her eyes on mine and a smile on her lips.

I let out an amazed laugh at those words. "Good morning, wife." My eyes wandered down to the sole spectator of our morning kiss. "Good morning sweetheart." I made to take her and gave her rosy cheek a kiss. She nestled into my side too.

This was what I wanted, to be with the only two women who would ever own me. To be with the only two people who made me smile just by looking at me.

"Did you sleep well? You couldn't sleep on the plane, could you?" Bella asked me. She had no idea just how perfect my sleep was. I nodded.

"Are you hungry? We could have something delivered, or go out or I could cook something if you want." No, I wasn't hungry. I was already satisfied.

"No, that's alright, love. I'm not hungry. If you are though we could go out." She shook her head no. "And you honey? Are you hungry?" I asked my daughter.

"She already ate." Bella moved her hand softly to Arianna's tummy. And I saw it again, her ringed hand, a diamond and a band that matched my own. That left no doubt to what we were now, we had finally been labeled.

"So what do you want to do?" I asked my wife.

"I was thinking we could take her to the water, this beach looks absolutely beautiful but I wanted to wait for you to go with us to see it properly. Would you like to?"

"I'd love to, just give me two seconds and I'll go change and brush my teeth." After another kiss to her tiny cheek I put our daughter back in her Mother's arms. I placed a matching kiss on Bella and went to change.

Once I was done we got it all ready and headed out the door.

I'd never been a beach kind of guy but this place was incredible: the white sand, the palms, the far away sound of birds, the clear blue sky and the crystal clear water made it better than any other beach I might've ever wanted to go to.

We went to the water and carefully let Arianna feel it, just like at home she loved it, her little feet were moving rapidly, splashing the water a little and I could've sworn I heard her laugh.

I guess many of my vacations would consist of the sun and sand since my wife and daughter loved them. And I loved to see them there: playful and happy.

After we had enough of the water we went to sit on the chairs that gave us a perfect view of the horizon and Bella started doing what I had wished in a message she would so long ago.

She was realizing her number one fantasy; she was in a beach reading a book.

Except she wasn't alone, she wasn't reading to herself as I had wished she would that time. She was softly reading to sleep the bronze haired baby, who looked exactly like her and was resting on her chest.

And I was lucky enough to witness.

* * *

**Hope you liked it and to be truly honest I hope you cried, because I certainly did, and I cried at work. While cleaning the counter.**

**By the way guys, should you ever have time watch a movie called "Henry Poole Is Here", I saw it two weeks ago and it was incredible. It's with Luke Wilson, seriously it was great. And, how's this for an incentive, the little girl who's in it has a little stuffed bunny named "Jasper", just sayin'...**

**Next chapter will most definitely be up before the year ends. Honest.**

**Please review or you know just tell me about your day.**

**Have a great day.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Well, well, well, I seem to have jumped back into the promise keeping wagon.**

**Time for thanks!!!! **

**For reviewing: brytam, cityatnight, cullengirl08, DragonLadySage, e. jameson, EC4me, Edward's-a-beefacake, fighter419, InkStainedFire, sambois, shaz308, skydala and superstargirl818.**

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**Thanks to brytam for alerting me as an author. ****I'm taking over guys, I can feel it. It'll be good world domination though, don't worry.**

**Thanks again to Channy for being Channy. You'll see how cool she is when we take over. :)**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

The tummy ache

"I'm gonna miss you, Daddy." She said to me in a sad soprano voice.

"I'll miss you too, sweetie. So much." I ran my fingers through her soft bronze curls slowly and looked into her vibrant green eyes. They were wet.

Her lip quivered. She let go of Bella's hand and wrapped her little arms around my neck, holding on with as much force as she could muster. I got to my feet holding her to me.

Arianna. She was so big now, she was four. My little princess was growing up.

She was in pre-school, she could count up to ten now, and recognize numbers up to twenty, she knew certain letters from the alphabet and was learning to write. Her name was a little long for her and she struggled with it a bit but she had already mastered short words like "cat" or "dog" or my personal favorites "Mom" and "Dad". She was an avid reader, safe for the fact that she couldn't actually read yet, but ever since she came home we'd started reading to her and then she started to bring books for us to read to her, now she would cuddle up next to us and try to repeat the words we said, trying to understand how all the letters together made different sounds that turned into words.

Her little head settled on my shoulder and she started crying. I ran my hand up and down her back to soothe her and went to look at my wife. Her eyes were wet too.

"Shh, calm down, honey, it'll be fine, Daddy's coming back soon. I'll come back in six days, that's not that long; it's less than a week, because a week has how many days?"

Her little head turned my way and my heart broke at the sight of her puffy eyes. "Seven" came from her in a tiny voice.

"That's right, so it's not that long. We'll see each other next week, but you won't miss me because I'll call you every day before you go to bed so you can tell me about your day and you can wish me a good night, okay? I left Mommy a box of special goodnight kisses for you and she'll give them to you every night before you fall asleep, alright?" I smiled at her, she nodded.

I placed a kiss on her soft, rosy cheek.

She hadn't changed one bit, if anything she looked even more like Bella now, it was so surreal, we'd be doing something together and suddenly she'd do something unexpected that reminded me of her Mother. She was more graceful than her when it came to walking and she was a balanced runner, which I was eternally grateful for. I could cushion Bella's falls but the thought of my daughter, alone with a swing set nearby was not something I wanted to think about if I knew I wouldn't be there to catch her fall.

I came closer to Bella and she settled her head on my free shoulder, she was trying hard not to cry but she was losing that battle rapidly so she turned her head the other way so Arianna wouldn't see her and start crying again. I saw her hand come up to wipe her tears, she was trying to regain some control for our daughter. I placed a kiss on top of her head and tightened my grip on her waist a little.

She took a deep breath and then went to look at our child. "Daddy has to go now, darling, why don't you give him a hug and a kiss and wish him a good trip?" she asked while wiping the remainder of Arianna's tears.

Our daughter lifted her tiny head to me, locking her gaze with mine. "Goodbye, Daddy. Have a nice trip, I hope you have fun in your 'enshion'." She said sincerely.

As much as she talked, some words she still struggled a bit with. "Convention" being one of them.

A convention, a freaking convention to go learn what I already knew as an Internist. The only reason I was going was because they told me I had to speak about my practice and as luck would have it I would talk on the last day. Crap.

I tried getting out of it, I tried telling them that I'd fly to New York on the day that I actually had to talk, or the night before, but no, no way to make them budge. "Dr. Cullen," they'd said "you have to be there every day, you're going in representation of the entire hospital and you have to be there for every meeting, besides it's only six days."

Only six days, yeah right. Six days in which I would be miserable because I would miss my wife and daughter horribly. Arianna was in school so she couldn't miss it and Bella wouldn't ever leave her without both her parents. I would miss them so much though.

Great, now _I_ wanted to cry.

My daughter's little lips came in contact with my cheek and resonated. "I love you, Daddy." She said once she pulled back.

"I love you too, sweetheart." I kissed her forehead and sighed. I had to let her go.

After one more hug I put her into her Mother's arms, she settled on her waist and her hands went to connect over her opposite shoulder, one arm went behind Bella's back while the other stayed on her front, her small fingers intertwined next to her Mommy's neck.

Bella had one arm around Arianna, supporting her and the other went to play with her bronze hair. That always calmed her down, made her sleepy. Immediately Arianna relaxed into Bella.

I let my fingers slowly graze my wife's back - they were reluctant to let go completely- and leaned closer, I dipped my head and placed a strong kiss on her lips, I didn't really know if I was trying to take the feel of her with me or if I was trying to somehow make my presence stay with her, either way it felt pretty desperate. I was probably trying to do both.

After coming up for air I let her fill my senses, with her scent and her touch and her eyes and her voice, I would take all of those with me and the time would go by faster.

"I love you," she said "I'm so proud of you, you'll do great." And then she smiled her heart-stopping smile.

When my heart re-started I spoke. "I love you too. I'll see you soon."

After one final run of my fingers across my wife's cheek and one last kiss to my daughter's temple I turned and crossed the terminal. Once inside I turned around to find my wife sending me a kiss and my daughter waving her little hand goodbye.

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Yes!!!

Yes! Thank God for the Cardiologist and the Anesthesiologist. Who would've thought that just when they were about to take the stage their beepers would go off? They were needed in surgery.

So the convention was very educational, I learned a lot about other specialties, it was really very interesting. The problem was, all the meetings ran long, too long and with the three hour time difference between New York and Seattle I could never talk to my family for as long as I wanted to.

After the presentations were done there was always a hosted dinner that ended sometime past 11 pm.

Arianna went to bed at 7:30, the whole week she had stayed up late just to talk to me and wish me a good night. But my poor daughter was so tired and sleepy that I never got more than a "Goodnight Daddy, sleep well, I love you" before she gave into fatigue.

And Bella wasn't much better, taking care of Arianna by herself had taken a toll on her as well. She tried as much as she could to ask me about my day, she said she wanted to know every detail but not even five minutes into our conversation I could hear her fighting off yawns. She would apologize again and again but I understood. I took comfort in knowing that at least I talked to them, at least I heard their voices, at least they both told me they loved me before we hung up.

But that would all change today, because even though they didn't know it, I was practically already home. A day earlier than expected.

The Cardiologist and Anesthesiologist could never re-schedule because of other surgeries and so the convention ended a day earlier than anticipated. Which allowed me to change my flight to the first one I could find. I left New York at 7 am local time, six hours of plane ride, one hour of customs and one stop at a flower shop later I was heading home.

I decided not to tell them, I was thinking I could surprise Bella and we could go pick up Arianna at pre-school together and then go have lunch and just spend the rest of the day together and we could actually hold a conversation now. Plus I was dying to hold and kiss them both, I missed them more than ever.

I put the key in the lock and turned it, slowly I opened the door and smiled. I was home.

It was quiet, everything was clean and organized. Was Bella not in? I looked down at my watch, 11:38, she wouldn't have gone to pick Arianna up yet, she got off at 1:15.

I set the bouquet down on the dining table and put my baggage next to the chairs, with my jacket on top of my suitcase.

I turned and opened the door to what had once been a nursery, not much remained from it, it was a little girl's room now, the bed proved that fact, she didn't need a crib anymore, or a changing table. She kept the color of the walls though- to match her eye lids- and she also kept the book case, more books had been added and some had been replaced but it stayed. The ultrasound pictures and the representative animals held their place as well.

The room was clean, she wasn't particularly an anal girl but she was organized enough. She almost always put her toys back. Of course, though, the room was clean because Bella cleaned it, Arianna liked to help out but her toy broom was still taller than her.

I closed the door slowly and walked to our room. Maybe Bella was in there.

I opened the door quietly and peeked inside. Bella was in bed, sleeping soundly with one of her hands resting on the pillow and the other lying softly on top of our daughter's tummy. I looked down at my watch again. 11:43, wasn't she supposed to be in school?

Arianna hadn't notice me because she was holding an open book in front of her."…and they went to the fair, where she got a big panda from the prince who knocked the glasses down, and then she gave the prince a kiss on the cheek, and he called her 'Love', like Daddy calls you and she smiled like you do when he calls you that and then they went to get cotton candy because they were hungry and then they talked all night until 7:30 because they had to go to bed and they said goodnight and had happy dreams…and then, yeah, then they lived happily ever after. The end. Did you like the story, Mommy? I can read it to you again if you want." I focused my eyes on the book she was holding and smiled.

I very much doubted my Anatomy guide held stories of princes and princesses in fairs but she was reading that to her Mother from it, so who was I to correct her?

She closed the book and put it next to her on the bed. "Mommy?" she asked in a soft voice as she lifted her head to look at Bella's face. When she noticed she was asleep she surprised me by doing what we did for her, she slowly reached her hand up to tuck Bella's hair behind her ear. "Sweet dreams, Mommy, I love you" she whispered quietly.

She was so much more observant than I ever gave her credit for.

I walked closer to her and now that she had no obstructions she noticed the movement.

Her face lit up like it did on Christmas morning when she saw me. She gave a strangled gasp. My own face broke into a huge smile at such a welcoming.

"D-" she started to say. I quickly put one of my fingers on my lips and my other hand pointed to her sleeping Mother. She understood.

I motioned her forward with my hands and as carefully as possible she took Bella's hand from her tummy and placed it on her waist. She got out of bed carefully and ran as fast as her little legs could take her to me.

I bent over to pick her and held her in a vice grip. She did too. Her smile matched my own, but she kept quite so she wouldn't wake Mommy up.

We tiptoed out of the room and walked the hall to the living room. Once in there we were safe.

"DADDY!" she yelled in my ear.

"Hey, little love. I missed you so much, how are you?" She pulled back to see my face. I looked at her carefully, had she grown? I think she had, her hair definitely seemed a few millimeters longer. Damn convention.

"I'm good, Daddy. How was the 'enshion'? Mommy said you were coming home tomorrow. She said we were gonna go pick you up to the same place we left you. Did you know it's called an 'airport', Daddy? Mommy said that was the name, it starts with an 'A', like my name." She finished.

She learned a new word, up until now she called airports 'where the planes are'.

"You're right, it does. Wow." I smiled at her.

She gave me another hug. "I missed you, Daddy. I'm happy you're here."

How she always managed to melt my heart. I was a 32 year old man at the mercy of a four year old. It was perfect.

"Did you eat yet, honey?" It was almost her school lunch time.

She nodded her little head vigorously. "Uh-huh, Mommy 'buyed' food."

"Oh yeah? And what did she make you?"

"No, Daddy. She 'buyed' the food made."

"She did?" Well, that was strange. Apart from the occasional outing to a restaurant, or when we visited our families, Bella or I always made Arianna's meals. She said it was healthier like that.

"Uh-huh. She 'buyed' Mexican food. I had a taco, Daddy, it was really good." Odd.

"Did Mommy eat a taco too?"

"No, she had something else. She ate a lot of chips and a green thing that was good too."

Chips and guacamole.

Well, I mean it was fair, if she got tired of cooking why shouldn't she go out?

"Did you eat yet, Daddy?" I shook my head no. "I can make you lunch if you want."

She tried to wriggle out of my embrace and I put her carefully on the floor, once safe, she dashed for the kitchen.

I walked slowly after her.

She was opening the fridge when I got there; she took one of her juice boxes and a small packet of cookies. She turned to me triumphantly, extended her little filled hands and said "There!".

She'd made me her regular afternoon snack for lunch.

I took her in my arms again and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, sweetheart, it looks delicious." We walked back to the table again and I sat her down before taking my place next to her.

She saw the flowers. "They're pretty, Daddy. Are they for Mommy?" she asked with a smile.

"Uh-huh, but I got you something too. Do you want to see what it is?"

"Yes!"

I picked my briefcase slowly and opened the middle zipper. A tiny, yellow stuffed duck with a frail orange bow in front of the little tuft of white hair on top of her head came out, after that a realistic toy pink rose followed.

Arianna loved ducks: stuffed, plastic, porcelain, in pictures, anything, if it was a duck then she loved it, maybe because she loved the water so much. And she always saw them in ponds and such. She was a bit obsessed with them.

Her wonder-filled eyes met mine. "Wow, Daddy, she's so pretty, thank you so much. What's her name?"

She also named all of the ducks. Something I stumble upon online came to me. "Why don't you name her 'Dunna'?" It's a type of domestic duck; you know the ones that have the white body and kind of long necks, with the green head and a little ring of white around the neck and a bit of brown on their chests?" The kind they hunted. But I would never tell her that.

"Like Stevie?" she asked unsure.

"Yes, exactly like Stevie." She had so many of them I didn't even remember she already had one like the one I was describing.

"Okay, I like 'Dunna' for this one." She began running her little hands through the soft hair.

"And this-" I spoke again "is your first ever flower from a gentleman." I smiled at her.

She didn't know what to do, both things amazed her incredibly. She held the duck with one hand and took the flower I was offering with the other, once she closed her little fingers around it I moved her hand to place a kiss on top of it.

"I'm like Mommy now." She said as a realization. I smiled and nodded.

I began eating my lunch. No wonder she had them every day, this juice was amazing, and the cookies were so soft. We might have to start buying two reserves now.

She was watching me eat while smiling at me. I remembered something.

"Hey princess, why aren't you in school?" There wasn't a teacher's conference today and it wasn't a holiday, I knew her school schedule as well as Bella.

"I didn't go to school today, Daddy." She said.

"Why not?"

"I wanted to stay with Mommy."

"Why?"

She went to bite her lip, just another thing she'd picked up from her Mother.

She had Bella's quiet demeanor with strangers; it took her a little while to warm up to them. With the family she had no problem, which was why we'd debated long on sending her to pre-school, but thankfully she liked it, the interaction had helped her come out of her little shell and she now had what Alice and Rosalie called "her first two BFF's!".

She went to look down while still biting her lip. I lifted her face carefully with my finger underneath her chin and coaxed her lip free. I played with her curls again. "Honey, what's the matter? You can tell me." I said to her quietly when her eyes met mine.

"I think Mommy's sick, Daddy" was her soft answer.

Okay, don't panic.

"Wh- why do you think that, little love?" Bella hadn't mentioned being sick.

"Because she's acting really weird, Daddy. When you left she started crying when we got here, she didn't want me to see but I heard her. So I told her that it was okay, that you were coming in back in six days, and that was less than a week, so she looked at me and she started crying again and she gave me a hug and she said she loved me so much and she kissed me and then she calmed down and she didn't cry anymore.

"But then at night I asked her if I could sleep with her, because she looked sad again and she said "Sure, sweetie, come here" and then she gave me another hug and another kiss and I think she went to sleep before me, because I answered the phone when you called because she didn't move, remember Daddy? But then in the morning, she got up really early and went to the bathroom and then she came back. And she did that every day, I 'thinked' that maybe she was trying not to wet the bed but then yesterday she got up and she didn't come back so I went looking for her and she was on the floor, with her head on the potty, and I got scared and I said "Mommy, what's wrong?" and she didn't know I was there so she got scared too so she got up and she brushed her teeth and then she took my hand and she sat on the couch and she put me on her lap and she said "I'm so sorry I woke you, baby." And she didn't say anything else so I asked her if she had a tummy ache because her hand was on top of her tummy and then she looked at me and she had tears in her eyes and she said "Something like that, princess". But I don't know what she means, Daddy.

"And then today it happened again but then when I told her if she wanted we can make eggs for breakfast together she got sick again and I said "Sorry, Mommy." I didn't want to make her sick, Daddy. So I got her one of my ducky band-aids. And then when she was okay she gave me another hug and then she touched my hair and she said "Arianna, honey, Mommy loves you so, so much, I don't want to scare you, darling, I'm sorry I did. Mommy's tummy is just a little tender right now, but I'll be fine soon" and then she smiled at me and she gave me another hug. And then I said "Why are you sick, Mommy?" and she just looked at me again and she cried again and I she said really quiet "You'll know soon, I just have to go to the doctor first." And I asked her why she had to go to the doctor and she said she had to take a test and I said "Can I come with you?" and she said "Don't you want to go to school?" and I said "No, Mommy, I want to be with you."

"And then we got in the car after we got dressed and I had cereal, Mommy didn't eat and then we got to the doctor and she told the lady she had to take a test and then we waited for a long time, I finished coloring my picture of Elmo, I stayed inside the lines." She grinned proudly. "And then they called her and we went to a room and then the doctor came and he pinched her arm and there was blood and then they told her to come back in a lot of minutes and they smiled at me and then Mommy asked me if I was hungry and I was a little bit so I said yes and then she said that she wanted Mexican food and then we got to the place and she ate a lot, Daddy.

"And then we went back to the doctor and they gave her a paper and she looked at it and she started crying so I said "Mommy, what's wrong, you didn't pass?" I don't think she passed, Daddy, I don't think she studied. But then I told her that Miss Bertram always lets us take a test again if we're sick. And she looked at me and she picked me up and she gave me a hard hug and she cried harder and then she gave me a kiss on the cheek and then she carried me out to the car and then we went to the mall and she went to buy me clothes but she also 'buyed' a really small shirt Daddy, and I said "Mommy that won't fit me" and she smiled at me and she said "This is for Daddy, sweetheart" but I don't think it's gonna fit you, you're too big, but she 'buyed' it anyway. So then we came here and she carried me again and I said "Mommy, I can walk" and she said "Princess, please let me hold you, soon I won't be able to". So I got scared and I asked her if she was going somewhere and she said no, so I don't know what she meant but then we got here and she told me to please go to bed with her because she was tired and she asked me to read her a book and I got one of your books and she held me close and she gave me another kiss and I started reading to her and then I saw she was sleeping again and so I wished her sweet dreams and then I saw you and I came to you. Is she sick, Daddy? Do you know why? She didn't tell me." Her piercing green eyes looked close to tears.

Bella was pregnant.

And I was stunned. Our four year old had given me such a detailed retelling of everything that I missed there was no way to doubt it. Arianna gave me the news of Bella's pregnancy and she didn't even know or understand it.

"Um, honey, do you know where Mommy put the paper?" She nodded, put her ducky and rose down and then went to the kitchen, she came back a few seconds later with an envelope in her hands. "It was on the fridge, Daddy. Next to my drawing."

The clinic's name was stamped on the front, I opened it with shaky fingers, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind but I was still a bit nervous, seeing the words would make it real. I shifted my eyes to find the words in which I was interested.

_Isabella M. Cullen_

_Blood test to detect pregnancy: Positive_

_Estimated Conception Date: October 31_

_Estimated Due Date: July 31_

I did the math quickly. She was four weeks and five days along.

I didn't know what to do. The paper fell from my hands.

A child with Bella was incredible, _children_ with Bella would be…magnificent.

Suddenly I knew how to react, like any other man who was just told by his unknowing daughter he's going to be a Father again. I let the emotion fill me and I smiled my biggest smile, my intimate smile, and my tears followed.

I went to look at Arianna and when she saw my tears, hers fell. "Why are you crying, Daddy? Did she fail? She can take the test again, it's gonna be okay." She got off the chair and came to me, she put her little hands on my face, trying to dry my tears. Without realizing what I was doing I crushed her little body to mine, with as much force as I knew she could handle, and jumped up from the chair and kissed every part of her little face I could reach.

I wanted to scream, to inform the whole world that I was going to be a Father again; I wanted everyone to know how happy I felt. How whole and complete, and blissful and marveled and thankful and just, just how incredibly…blessed I felt.

Another baby.

"Arianna, sweetie, thank you _so_ much for telling me everything. You don't know how happy you made me, darling." I kissed her rosy cheek again. She seemed a little scared by my jubilance but since I was smiling she was too.

"Did she pass the test, Daddy? Is that why you're happy? What kind of test was it?"

"Yes, she did, little love, Mommy passed the test and that's why I'm extremely happy right now." I smiled again.

"What kind of test was it?" She asked again.

I didn't know if I should tell her, Bella obviously hadn't wanted to until she confirmed it, and she probably wanted to tell me first so we could tell her together or she would've told her already, she would've told her the shirt was for her baby brother or sister. I wanted to see the little shirt that our baby would wear when it came home from the hospital; I wanted to see her eyes light up when she showed it to me. I wanted Bella to tell me we were going to be parents again.

So I refrained from telling Arianna everything, we would do it together like Bella intended.

"It was a test to see if Mommy was really sick and she's not. So that means she passed it."

"That's so good, Daddy. I don't want Mommy to be sick anymore." Came from her excitedly.

"Well, honey, Mommy will probably still be a little sick in the mornings." For about another 7 weeks and 2 days. Unless like last time it carried past her first trimester. I'd better get her another Morning Sickness Kit.

I thought about that. The first baby I'd only felt once, the second I only enjoyed in her belly for 19 weeks, but this baby, the third baby I would be there for every step of the way. Yes, I'd missed her first bouts of morning sickness, but she had only confirmed the pregnancy today. I would touch and feel and talk and watch this baby grow until it was ready to come out, I wouldn't miss another second of its life.

'Third time's a charm' never meant as much as it did now.

Arianna sent me a confused look and I understood why. "Mommy has a bit of a tummy ache right now, princess, but don't worry, it's normal. She's going to be fine soon. But you know what, dear? I think you deserve a prize, you were so scared for Mommy but you didn't leave her alone. You took care of her when I wasn't here to. You were so brave, sweetie, I'm so proud of you." And I was, I really, really was. "When Mommy wakes up we're going to celebrate, okay?" And then I touched my forehead to hers and her little hands caught my hair.

I sat on the couch with her nuzzled against my side and then and she started to tell me all about her week at school, while I absentmindedly combed her hair with my hands. She had so much fun at school and I was glad, if we had to send her away for hours then I was grateful she had a good time during that lapse.

Her sweet voice started to get heavy and I knew soon she would fall asleep if I didn't stop my movements, so I kept going, because she was used to an afternoon nap, granted today's would be earlier than normal but she had been through so much for the past week, she really had been so scared of what was going on with her Mommy in the mornings and then she stayed past her bedtime just to wish me a good night, I was surprised she hadn't been sleeping with Bella when I found her.

And then her story stopped and her breathing evened out while her little form gave into sleep and relaxed. I stayed like that for a few more minutes: humming a lullaby of sorts for her I hadn't realized I had been doing and running my fingers through her bronze curls. God, she was perfect. And she would be an amazing big sister to the new baby, she was such a mature little four year old, so wise and so caring, yes, she'd be a great sister.

I amazed myself by my own line of thinking. Bella and Arianna were all I always knew I needed to be happy, I sincerely thought I wouldn't ever need anything else and then my wife became pregnant again and I felt more whole than ever before, I loved the tiny being inside her with as much force as I did its Mother and sister. The growing baby suddenly owned my heart as well.

I got up carefully and went to Arianna's room, I put her cautiously in her bed and then covered her, after on final kiss to her cheek and a last 'thank you for telling me' I went for the door, where, after all these years, the memento of our angel rested: untroubled, and unfazed. As pure as it had always been, and my eyes watered, I looked back at my sleeping daughter and my tears fell.

I smiled through my tears; I smiled the tears I vowed I would: happy tears. Bella always made me shed happy tears.

Yes, children with Bella was magnificent.

I closed the door quietly and went to my wife, I longed to see her.

I looked down at my watch again 12:03. Just twenty minutes, twenty minutes was all it took for my heart to expand, for me to be the happiest I'd ever been, for me not to want her soft lips to be the first thing mine came in contact with, but her belly. Her occupied and soon to be ever-expanding belly, her pregnant belly.

The door to our room opened quietly and my entrance matched, Bella was still sleeping, and she looked lovelier than ever before, one hand was still on top of the pillow and the other was still on her waist, her fingers loosely grazing her tummy. And much like so long before I got to my knees, to my rightful spot and I did what I had to, I spoke to our unborn child.

As carefully as possible I lifted her shirt, there was such a sense of déjà vu, happiness included, and I quickly gave into it. I was met with something I hadn't expected. One of Arianna's ducky band-aids was decorating the middle of my wife's tummy. Such a sweet gesture from our daughter. She wanted Mommy to get better. I smiled at that and then proceeded.

My fingers, which now only held the slightest hints of trembles, went to rest on our baby, it would feel me, I was sure. Because I felt it, it was there, underneath my fingers.

I leaned closer; Bella was almost in the middle of the bed so my torso was resting carefully on it. "Hey, baby, guess who this is. It's Daddy, sweetie, we hadn't met, I was away because of work but now I'm here and I won't leave ever again.

Future conventions be damned. _Nothing_ would keep me away from my family now.

"If I had known about you I would've brought you something… Actually if I had known about you I wouldn't have left, but I don't think Mommy knew about you yet, honey, and I'm pretty sure when she suspected it she didn't want to tell me over the phone, and I appreciate that because I would've felt so impotent, so frustrated because I couldn't have done what I'm doing now, I couldn't have talked to you or felt you. Or thanked you for being on your way… or kissed you." And I went to do just that, I went to press my lips with as much gentleness as I possessed lest our baby be harmed by my strength. As my lips connected with her skin my eyes closed, kissing our developing baby for the first time was something to cherish. My nose ran along her, as of now, unformed bump.

"Do you know how much I love you? Probably not, but you will, soon enough you will know you are one of the three people in this world I love more than anything, along with your Mommy and sister. Do you want to hear about them? Well, Mommy, you already know Mommy, right? She's the one that's keeping you warm and safe, the one letting you grow. She's amazing, such a good Mother, I'm sure she loves you just as much as I love you. You're making her a little sick right now but don't worry she won't hold it against you; you're also making her crave food already. Apparently Mexican food is one of her cravings in pregnancy." I laughed.

"Do you want me to tell you what Mommy's like? Well, just imagine the most beautiful person on the planet and that's her. She's got long brown hair, it's chocolate brown, such a beautiful color, it matches her eyes, her eyes are incredible and you can get lost in their depth. Her face is heart-shaped and her features are small, and her voice is soothing and she smells so good. Like strawberries and freesias. It's intoxicating, cleansing, addictive.

"And then there's Arianna, your sister and she's just as amazing as your Mommy, she doesn't know about you yet but she's the one who told me you existed. She looks just like Mommy, she's just as gorgeous, but she has the most incredible eyes, they're always alive somehow, they're a piercing green with the smallest hints of chocolate brown. And she's got my hair, it looks weird on me but it looks just perfect on her, it's sort of a bronze color, almost like reddish-brown and she's got the most perfect little rosy cheeks, so good for kissing and she's so nice, she's going to be the best big sister, you'll see. And she absolutely loves duckies, and she also loves the water and the beach, she's ivory-skinned but she's doing what she can to work on a tan." I laughed again. "I don't think it's working though, Mommy never tanned and Daddy, well, I'm really pale, baby, so I fear you'll be quite ivory-skinned too, but don't worry because just like Mommy and Arianna you'll be absolutely perfect as well." I was running my fingers along her belly when I felt it, my wife's hand ran through my hair. My head shot up in her direction and I found she was crying, silent tears were running down her face. The hand that had been resting on the pillow was now the one running through my hair.

"Love!" I got up from my knees as fast as I could and went to her.

"Edward," she sobbed into my shoulder "I missed you so much."

We were sharing a hug with her sitting down and me bending over. "I'm sorry I woke you, love. You can go back to sleep if you want." I whispered into her ear while running one hand over her hair and keeping the other around her waist. I felt her shake her head on my shoulder.

I sat on the bed and scooted closer to her without breaking the hug. I ran my hand up and down her arm. Her teary eyes met mine. I went to wipe them. "Why didn't you call me?"

"I wanted to surprise you. The convention ended yesterday so I got a ticket for today, I thought I could come here and we could go pick up Arianna and then just spend the rest of the day together."

"Where is she?"

"She's sleeping in her room."

She nodded while looking into my chest and then exhaled. She lifted her gaze to mine. "Did you- did you tell her?" she asked in a small voice.

And I couldn't help it, I smiled. "No love, I thought you wanted us to do it together." I ran my thumb over her cheek. She closed her eyes.

"I did. I wanted to tell you first, though."

"Then tell me."

"You already know."

"That doesn't matter, love, I'd still like to hear it."

She looked at me and smiled. She came closer and gave me a kiss. A long, sweet, delectable kiss that bore her news and both our thrill over it. The kiss was so intense we ended up lying on the bed, her on her back, me with my angled chest hovering over hers, her legs entwined with mine and my hips stayed rooted to the spot, safely on the bed. I didn't want to squash them. No, they were both far too precious to be squashed. As it was, the hand that was on her back lifted her a little so she was resting on her side again, and then sneaked its way to her hip and claimed residence there.

When we were in need of oxygen we stopped the kiss, we didn't pull apart though, I lay on my back and brought her closer to me, her head rested on my shoulder. I kissed the top of her head and she moved it up and kissed my jaw, the highest part of me she could reach in her position. "I love you so much, Edward" she whispered with veneration, the words spoken in such a close proximity made me fight a shiver; her breath tickled my newly heightened senses.

"I love you too, Bella… and our children." My hand rested on her belly again and I smiled as wide as possible. Her small hand covered mine. She lifted her head to see me and I found her eyes had wetted again. I got to my side too and faced her. She looked moved by my words.

"How did she tell you if she doesn't know?"

"She was telling me you've been sick every morning since I left, and that you don't eat breakfast, and then she said you told her you were going to the doctor to take a test and you told her you passed it. She doesn't know what's going on, Bella, she's very confused." I combed her hair.

"I didn't know how to tell her. I didn't know, I started getting sick the morning after you left, I didn't think anything of it the first day, but then it kept happening, so I suspected it. She's been so nice, she sleeps with me. And she keeps trying to make me eat breakfast and it breaks my heart to tell her I can't, I just, I'm really sensitive right now, but she doesn't give up. She's so sweet Edward and now I feel so bad." She started crying again.

"Why, love?"

"I can't do anything for her Edward, I can't even cook her anything because everything's just so strong right now. And I didn't want to tell her anything until after I confirmed it, but I wanted you to know first so I've been very cryptic, she's so scared Edward, she thinks I'm leaving for somewhere." I wiped her tears. "And then when I'm not sick I'm just tired, I've been sleeping so much, and she reads to me, and I try my hardest to stay awake and talk to her but I just can't, I'm much more tired than I ever was with her. And I missed you so much so I have not stopped crying, I'm such a mess and she had to put up with me. She's only four; she shouldn't have to deal with my symptoms."

I looked into her eyes to make myself clear. "Bella, love, she's not 'putting up' with anything, she's here for you because she loves you and she wants to help, because she knows Mommy's hurting and she doesn't want that to happen. She knows you love her Bella, so she wants to help you. When she was telling me everything I lost count of all the hugs and kisses she told me you gave her, she gave me a recount of every single important thing that happened while I was gone and she included all of them, because they were. She's afraid because she doesn't understand but once we explain, love, everything's going to be fine. You'll see.

I kissed her forehead.

"As for you being tired love, I'd be concerned if you weren't. Not only did you just spend the whole week keeping a house perfect and doing everything that needed to be done in it but you did it while taking care of a very active four year old, who requires attention and mind, and all the while you were experiencing the first bouts of morning sickness from our new baby. It's incredible you're even talking to me, love. I'm surprised you even woke up."

"I felt your touch." She stated. "And then I heard your voice. Trust me, after missing you for so long there's no way I could've slept while you were right here with me." Her hand ran through my hair. "You were talking to the baby." She smiled.

"Of course, love, I talk to all our babies, I did it with Arianna too. Every night I came into your room and got on my knees and talked to her. It was so nice, just talking to her and feeling her, knowing she'd someday recognize my voice, she was quite the conversationalist whilst in the uterus and it was really easy to just tell her things." I laughed. "And I'm sorry, love, I know it's your belly and your body but they're going to have to surgically remove me from this baby, it'll be the first time I get to see it all, from the first steps. From beginning to end." I smiled excitedly.

She tightened her grip of the hand that was resting on our baby. "I take it you're happy about it, then?" She asked with tears in her eyes.

I focused my eyes on her and then shook my head. "Not merely happy, I'm absolutely _ecstatic _about it, love." And we kissed again.

After a while she spoke up again. "I got you something, Arianna probably already told you but I still want to give it to you." She got out of my embrace and got off the bed to go search for something in the closet. She pulled out a medium sized gift bag, with an Elmo in the front, and white and green papier mache sticking out of it. "I told her she could pick the bag, she got the paper in green to match both your eyes. We got it today, but I also got you something else before. I hope you like them." And she extended her hand to mine, offering me my gift, and then she softly kissed my cheek.

I moved quickly and sat her down, then straightened up into a sitting position in front of her, who was mirroring my actions. My hands flew to hers and I took the bag, and with unbelievable excitement I took the papers out and went to inspect my gifts.

Closing my fingers around something soft I pulled them out.

Like Arianna said she had gotten me a tiny, miniscule shirt. For the baby to wear when it came home, it was a simple white T-shirt with a glorious message in the form of a tiny red 'C' in the middle. For Cullen. I looked at her and she was crying again just from seeing me holding it. I put the little shirt carefully over my folded leg and slowly ran a finger over the red 'C' in wonder.

My eyes shifted to the other thing she'd gotten me. Another shirt, only this one was big enough for me, it matched our baby's, simple white T-shirt, except the message nestled in the middle was 'Daddy²'.

That's what I would be. In 35 weeks or so.

I laughed in amazement. In thirty-five weeks I _would_ be Daddy².

"Wow, love," I said looking at her. "they're incredible. Thank you _so_ much." I came closer and gave her another kiss.

"I'm glad you liked them. You're going to look amazing in your shirt." She scooted closer to me and we ended up sitting one in front of the other, me with my back pressed on the headboard, her with her back on my front. She relaxed into me and my arms rounded on her, one of my hands was holding the baby's shirt and I carefully placed it over her belly.

We both went to look down at it. It settled comfortably on her mid-section. "A perfect fit." I acknowledged, she moved one or our joined hands to rest on her stomach and the other to her lips where she placed a tender kiss on top of my hand and then brought them down again to join our baby.

We stayed like that for a long time until she spoke up. "I've never gotten to tell you."

"What's that, love?"

She shifted her torso and then lifted her face to meet mine and looked me in the eye. "This is our third pregnancy and I've never gotten to tell you about it first myself. The first two times you heard about it at the hospital and now our daughter told you before me. I've never been the one to tell you."

She was right, almost seven years and three pregnancies later it had never been her to let me know I'd be a Father soon.

Surely we could fix that.

Slowly I let go of one of her hands to cup her cheek and then ran it through her soft hair, I came closer to her and kissed both her cheeks adoringly. Then my eyes focused on hers and both our souls were displayed for the other to see. My mouth moved toward hers, separated by millimeters only and I started with the only logical solution to our dilemma.

"Well you know, love," I said in a soft voice "there's always next time."

And my lips captured hers and her surprised eyes closed at the same time my joyful ones did.

* * *

**Was I really lame enough to include my penname in the story? Yes, yes I was. :)**

**So I was thinking, you know what would be really fun? If you told me what you thought of the chapter by leaving a review. **

**If only there was a way...**

**Next chapter will be up before next Monday I think.**

**Have a good day.**


	24. Chapter 24

**I am beyond sorry, I cannot believe it took this long. I have a reason though, well 3.**

**1. This chapter was beyond difficult to write.**

**2. I went back to Nicaragua to celebrate, get this, my Grandparents 50 th wedding anniversary!!!**

**3. I can be very lazy.**

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The tears I once shed

"I love you," he whispered urgently in my ear. "So much."

Even now, in this moment his breath toyed with my senses, I was intensely aware of it. I would always respond to the sound of his voice or the feel of his touch.

Edward.

I didn't need more introductions; his name alone encompassed everything he was, everything he represented. I never called him by any other names because _his_ name felt like worship to me. It was all it needed to be: a prayer, a reassurance, a force and a soul.

He was to me all he claimed I was to him. All he showed me I was.

It was always the small things with Edward. He could surprise me in the most magnificent ways and not realize the sweetness of his actions. I'd always known him to be a gentleman, the one the world saw too. But certain things, certain facets of him, only I was privy to.

I knew him as a partner; a lover who filled me completely. The man whom I had given my whole heart to and who had always taken care of it. The man who, in all the years we've been together has never had sex with me, he's always made love to me. In his hugs, in his words, in his eyes, his love for me is always there, just like mine is there for him.

Edward is the man who could with just one look dazzle me into oblivion. He could make my heart race, my knees shake, he would look at me and suddenly I'd forget my own name and it was not because of his perfect features, though he was inhumanly handsome, but because his heart was more beautiful. His soul, the pureness of his soul would make his features pale if ever compared, it was there for me to see in every look he sent my way.

He always said we were puzzle pieces. It is true. We fit together so perfectly I could never doubt we were always meant to be. Together we were all we needed to be, together we were one.

I fell in love with him a long time ago. But his actions made me do it again every day. Because in all he does he is sure to include me. How he never doubts I could do whatever I wanted but before reassuring me he lets me voice my fears. It is how he's never handed me my happiness; he's always helped me reach it. How he constantly makes me feel his equal. How his name is always connected to mine. How he makes his hugs the most intimate things.

"Come on, love. One more." He wiped my sweaty forehead and I tightened my grip on his hand.

As much as I am in love with Edward the partner, I am and will be forever thankful that I got to meet Edward the Father. It's part of the reason I fall in love with him again and again. When it came to his daughter there were no limits. He would do anything she wanted just to see her smile. And every time she did, his eyes would shine. The amount of love behind his actions when it came to Arianna had often led me to tears.

How he spent over three months decorating her nursery before she was born, how he did it in secret just so he could surprise me. The fact that he introduced me to her as "Mommy", and he always referred to himself as "Daddy". How he ate baby food just so she would too, even though later he got sick from it and then he did it again the next day because he didn't want _me_ to get sick.

How the first picture we ever took of her has never left his wallet, how he wore her ultrasound pictures around the hospital in front of his chest for everyone to see. How he always talks to her as an adult, he has never been a condescending parent, he actually holds conversations with her and he did so even when she couldn't speak.

How he spent a whole week teaching her a word in secret when she was supposed to start talking, how that word had been "Mommy". The way his eyes wetted the first time he heard her say "Daddy". How his eyes still shine at that word now, five years later. The fact that he asks her opinion on everything, that he lets her make decisions.

How I fell in love with him once more when he made sure to have the day off for her first ever day of pre-school. He held me to his chest and rubbed his hands down my back when soon after we drove off I broke down. He held me to him until I calmed down; all the while doing what he could to let me know it would be okay, that she would be okay without us. In an effort to calm me down he promised me if I wanted to she could be home schooled, he swore to me if I wanted he'd get the necessary degree for that. And he would've, had I accepted he would have. But his offer was what brought me back, she was ours, yes, but we didn't own her. And the smile on her face when we picked her up was enough for me to know she had been okay, just like he promised me.

Edward and Arianna together were much more than I could've ever hoped for, just the thought of them warmed my heart and made me smile. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect daughter and never could I have dreamed of a better Father for my children, born and unborn.

With _every_ action, Edward's love for our children prevailed. Every look he sent Arianna and the belly, the soothing tone of his voice, the warmth in it when talking to them, the softness of his touch and light caresses when handling them. Every possible characteristic that could make for an amazing Father, Edward possessed. And it was me who was lucky enough to share them with him.

Since finding out we were pregnant again he had not left my side, just like he promised the baby he wouldn't. After celebrating the news with a proper welcome that had me relishing his embrace after missing him for five whole days and had him softly running his fingers across every part of me, we came out of our room and went to our daughter's. She woke up shortly after.

With one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen him wear he took my hand and sat me on the bed, he then went to take her and sat her on his lap, and then we started with the much needed explanation of my new morning routine. Her beautiful eyes held only the slightest hints of sleep, her little hands came up to them and rubbed the sleep away. "Sweetie," he started in a soft voice "how was your nap?"

"Good, Daddy." She answered, and then her eyes focused on me. "How was your nap, Mommy?" She asked me in a soft, slightly groggy voice.

I came closer to them and ran my hand across her cheek. "My nap was perfect, sweetheart. Thank you for reading to me." I smiled. So did she.

Her vibrant stare was alternating between Edward and me. It was clear to her that we were here to discuss something important.

"Princess, Mommy and I have something to tell you." Edward smiled and almost against herself Arianna's brow furrowed a little. "You know how Mommy's been a little sick in the mornings?" she nodded and her stare held a question. "Well, darling, the thing is Mommy's a little sick because inside her tummy is a little baby."

Her head snapped to mine. "You ate a baby, Mommy?" She looked beyond confused.

I laughed a little and ran my hand through one of her curls. "No, honey." She relaxed. I extended my arms and Edward passed her to me, she settled into me and her little head came up to mine. I came down and gave her rosy cheek a kiss. My chocolate brown eyes connected with her piercing green ones, though I was close enough to see the array of lines that matched my eye color. I inhaled. "The thing is sweetie, Mommy's pregnant, that means I'm having a baby, so right now in my tummy a little baby is growing, you're going to see Mommy's tummy get bigger and round, that's the baby, it needs to stay inside until it can come out and once it's strong enough to be here then it'll be your little baby brother or sister."

"Like Onesie?" She asked unsure.

My eyes instantly watered, I couldn't help it. Ever since she could understand Edward and I had made sure she knew the significance of the garment that hung over her door. Since we never really picked a name she grew to know her older sibling as "Onesie Cullen".

Edward got on his knees in front of us and put one of his hands on my arm, squeezing slightly, comforting me. His other hand went to our daughter's face, he carefully cupped her cheek. "No, darling. Onesie's a little angel watching over you from Heaven. This new baby, it'll be just like you, you'll get to see it and play with it and take care of it, it'll come live with us and it's going to love you very, very much because you'll be the best big sister ever." His voice was soft but it was laden with emotion. We had healed to a certain extent, in the sense that the guilt we each carried had been lifted, but still, after almost eight years the loss of our first child was not something we'd forgotten, nor would we ever. Just because the baby didn't come doesn't mean he doesn't exist, he's in our lives, in our thoughts and prayers.

In our hearts.

"So it's gonna come? When?" Came from our daughter.

"Well, it should be here in 35 weeks or so, maybe more, maybe less."

"And it's gonna be in Mommy's tummy all that time?"

"Yes, princess." We both smiled at her.

"Can I touch it Mommy?" She asked turning her gaze from Edward's eyes to my stomach.

I slowly reached forward and took her little hand in mine, carefully I placed it over my belly, she wouldn't feel anything yet, but that fact that she wanted to feel her baby brother or sister was absolutely heart-warming.

Her soft hand settled on me and I felt an incredible connection with my children, this moment was something I never envisioned, having our daughter's hand on our unborn baby, having her love it as much as we loved them, being a family, I treasured it.

Her body moved forward and her little head came closer to my mid-section. "Hi, baby," she started, my eyes connected with Edward's, he was as moved by her actions as me. "I'm your big sister, my name's Arianna, can you hear me?" She waited for a few seconds. She moved her head to mine and was sporting little frown. "I don't think it can hear me Mommy, it's not saying anything."

My hand ran gently through her hair. "It can hear you, honey, don't stop talking to it."

And she didn't, every night before her bedtime Arianna would regale my belly with stories of her day, she'd talk about her friends, her barbies –which she swore she would let the baby play with- her school and homework. She was especially proud the day she told the baby about drawing a picture of her family. Little sticks and circles were us on paper, and we looked beautiful, happy and smiling, me with a half ball out in front of me, Edward taking my hand and her standing next to us. Needless to say I cried at her gesture and we eagerly framed the drawing. She was excited about the baby.

And then there was Edward.

And "excited" was too tame a term for him. He was everything he could be about the baby: amazed, thrilled, thankful, anxious, impatient, proud and so much more. And his bedtime routine included kissing the growing belly, chasing the movements once we were able to see the baby shifting and telling it the most incredible words an expectant Mother could hear. He was grateful that we were blessed with another child and not a day went by that he wouldn't show it.

And then there was me. This pregnancy was so different from my previous ones. The first baby I'd known about for less than a week, I only experienced a few days of morning sickness, my imagination went further than reality. With Arianna, it was really hard, both physically and mentally. I was terrified to put it lightly and everyday I walked around in doubt, my morning sickness went over my first trimester probably because I made myself sick with all my fears, the first twenty weeks with Arianna's pregnancy were possibly the toughest ones I'd ever experienced, and yet with a dream they all went away, seeing Edward holding what would be our baby, allowing myself to imagine it, to desire it, was all I needed to enjoy what was happening, to experience what I never had before and then her tiny foot kicked me from the inside, giving me proof that she was there, that I should stop worrying and the rest of the pregnancy was a bliss, I opened up. I felt her and Edward felt her, and we got excited for her together.

This time around I had no fears, no doubts and most importantly no regrets. There was absolutely no room for negative thoughts with my third pregnancy simply because I had Edward by my side from the very beginning, and his joy was contagious. Seeing him publicly do what he did in secret for our daughter, feeling his touch on our growing child, hearing the words he spoke, the pride in his voice, it all made me love him even more.

And because I had no fears I gave into everything my mind and body asked of me, cravings and mood swings included. Very unsurprisingly I gained more weight now than I did with Arianna. The morning sickness didn't carry past my first trimester and I wasn't hesitant to ask Edward for anything I wanted. And then one morning I looked myself in the mirror and noticed I'd already started showing at 10 weeks and I cried because I thought it was unfair that I would be so big and him so fit. But then my husband took me in his arms and looked me in the eye and he told that he loved me as I was, pregnant with our child, that every inch my waist gained was precious to him because it meant we were that much closer to having more than we ever thought we could. He wished more than anything that I would look in the mirror and see not the loss of my shape, but our developing miracle, and I cried harder at his words because I saw the truth in them and they were enough for me to see the changes in my body as he did, and cherish them as well.

Then I reached my second trimester and a new craving started, and it was above food, or sleep or rest… and he stood at 6'2, with a boyish look to him despite being an adult, with hair color that our daughter inherited, its disheveled texture only helped in making me want to run my fingers through it all the more, and he willingly let me while he sported a crooked grin as my need for him became more and more evident.

And then I reached my 33rd week.

And it was hell, Edward was afraid of the same thing happening again, of my water breaking early and no matter how many times I tried to reassure him that last time was just a coincidence and that the same thing wouldn't happen again he stood his ground, he didn't cave…long seven days passed slowly but eventually they did, and the second I reached my 34th week my eternal craving showed me just how much he missed me. Our late night dances continued until two days ago, when I was just too tired and my back pain was just too uncomfortable. When unbeknownst to either of us I had started labor. It wasn't until earlier today, when that all familiar feeling of seeping fluid ran down and once again landed on the mattress that we knew. Except this time we really were watching a movie and our daughter was with us.

I would miss being pregnant if not for the fact that I knew the words he told the baby would come second to his actions once it came. Every single thing he did for our daughter he would do for our son. And I would gladly fall in love with him again and again.

A sharp pain in my lower region brought me back to the present. It hurt, it hurt much more than it ever did before and I knew why: Arianna was seven weeks premature, Sebastian had made it full term.

"Come on Bella, you're crowning, just a few more good pushes and he'll come out." Dr. Powell's voice carried.

I felt myself grip Edward's hand ever tighter and briefly wondered if it was possible I'd break it with a strong enough push, he just came closer and whispered in my ear. "Come on love, you're so close. He's right there, just one big push." And his words gave me strength. Inhaling as much air as I could I felt my eyes tighten shut and my jaw clamp down as I prepared myself to widen impossibly, allowing our child to come into the world.

Launching my upper body forward, with Edward by my side I gave it my all; I focused solely on how close we were to seeing our son, to holding him and that was the only incentive I needed to make it through the next few pushes.

And then it happened, a physical relief that I'd felt only once before, the one that told me he was out, that I'd done it. And now I was more anxious than before, I was still on high alert.

"It's a boy!" I heard in the background.

Edward's grip tightened on my hand and I turned to look at him. He was looking down at the end on the bed, trying as I had been to find a crack between the people to catch a glimpse of our son.

Five of the longest seconds of my life followed because silence reigned in them. They were cleaning him, clearing his airways and awaiting his reaction.

Then I heard it, we all heard it; an unblemished cry, the cry all newborns are supposed to let out. My back fell on the bed and I could not stop the tears that filled my eyes or the sobs that broke through me. He cried such a natural thing to do and yet to us it meant so much. He was fine, he was alright, we would not have to leave him behind, he'd come home with us.

I felt Edward's hands encircle me and lift my upper body from the bed, he was cradling me in his arms and I could hear his sobs as well. "Thank you so much, Bella" he said in a broken whisper meant only for me "thank you so, _so_ much, love."

"He cried, Edward" I gasped far below a whisper. He wouldn't have heard me, I almost only felt myself whisper the words.

His hands released my back and one of them went under my chin, he lifted up my face and I took in his teary eyes. His tears were falling still, as mine were, he slowly moved his hands and dried my tears with his thumbs while cupping both my cheeks, his lips were descending on mine and the closer he got the stronger my sense of relief was, no matter the occasion his arms were my sanctuary, his embrace was my whole world.

His vibrant green eyes seemed to hold more love than they did just twenty minutes ago, when the pushing started. "He's still crying, love." he smiled. My eyes widened in surprise and his gaze locked with mine… and I didn't see the redness of his eyes or the tears in them, I saw his soul, displayed only for me. "I know how much that means, Bella" was his soft whisper and I found a comfort in his words I hadn't realized I needed.

He knew how much that meant.

He closed the small distance between us and softly pressed his lips to mine. Like it always did his kiss intoxicated me. His breath, his scent, the one I was so attuned to and yet I still couldn't identify, invaded me. It was somewhat maddening not knowing exactly what he smells like, to not be able to describe it. It was a sweet scent, delectably sweet and yet it wasn't a fruit or flower, and mixed with that there was a crisp winter air, a coolness in it that somehow turned into warmth instantly. His scent was not one I'd ever smelled before, nor did I think I'd ever smell it again. Despite having no name for it, his overwhelmingly good smell was my favorite, and if the only way to ever find a name for it was to kiss and hug him again and again then I'll gladly spend the rest of my life searching.

"Bella," a voice sounded far away "do you want to hold your son?"

We broke the kiss and went to look at the doctor approaching us with a bundle. My eyes stung again. Edward moved his body to face the doctor but kept a hand on my back and produced a pillow from somewhere to place over my legs so I wouldn't get my arms tired when holding our son, I looked at him again and gave his thoughtfulness a smile then turned back and saw my hands shot forward, reaching for our bundled child, after a few more steps the doctor finally placed our baby in my arms and my sobs reignited. I brought him closer to my chest and my head went to look down at his face.

I felt the air leave my lungs, because I knew without a doubt that the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen was resting in my arms. My eyes moved around frantically taking all of him in, engraving him forever in my mind and heart. "Hi, honey. It's Mommy and Daddy." I looked up to find Edward smiling down at us; I smiled at him too and then continued my conversation. "Happy birthday, sweetie, I'm so glad to meet you, to be able to hold you, you don't know how amazing it feels." I bent my head to place as gentle a kiss as I could muster on his forehead, below the tiny blue hat they had put on him. He felt so warm, so soft, and just so completely perfect.

"You have no idea how beautiful you are. You look _so_ much like your Daddy." And he did, strangely enough his features were as set, even as a newborn as Arianna's had been, Sebastian was what I envisioned ever since we found out we were having a boy: A tiny Edward in my arms. He was resting on my right arm and I lifted my left hand to trace his features. "You have his nose, and his cheeks, and his jaw, and his lips-" I stopped my movements and laughed a little at my newest finding "and his smile." At my touch his mouth fleetingly opened in what to me looked like an exact replica of Edward's smile: crooked, though of course our son's was gummy, but the effect of that crooked grin coming from our son was the same I experienced when it came from his Father, I'd been dazzled. "I love you; I love you so much, I'm so happy you're here." My voice broke and tears I didn't know were there rolled down my cheeks. A soft hand wiped them away and I instantly gave into his touch. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked down at the little child in my arms. Placing a kiss on his rosy cheek I whispered. "How would you like to meet Daddy, sweetheart?" I heard his quiet chuckle from above. I turned to look at him while extending my arms so he could hold our son as well.

His touch was gentle, though less hesitant than it had been with Arianna at first, once he had our baby safe in his arms he smiled. And I was more dazzled than ever before, because Edward's crooked grin was directed to our son. His head dipped and he placed a soft kiss on Sebastian's forehead, to accompany mine, and when he came up my husband's face depicted only marvel, as he looked into a tiny mirror of sorts that showed him 33 years younger.

His hand came up to his face and he began stroking his cheek carefully. "Hey, baby boy. It's Daddy." We both smiled at his words. "Look at you, you're absolutely perfect. The doctor told me everything about you when Mommy was holding you, I'm pretty sure she didn't hear so I'm going to tell her, okay?" He smiled again and his eyes connected with mine. In a soft voice he started giving me all the details I missed. "He was born on July 31 at 1:02 pm, he weighed 7 lbs 3 ounces and is 20 inches long. But most importantly, he is absolutely fine, love." I cried again and he made to give a kiss. Before he could reach my lips Sebastian made a noise and we both went to look at him. "Hmm, competition." He laughed. "Well if I was ever to lose Mommy, then it would be my honor to lose her to such a fine gentleman, however I can't live without her so we have to make an arrangement, how about we share, you and your sister keep the 'Mommy' side of her and I keep the 'wife' side? She is, after all the love of my life. You and Arianna can keep my whole 'Daddy' side in return, does that sound good?" His whispers were meant only for our son, but I still heard every word he said. His finger ran along his cheek before bending down and placing a kiss in it. His eyes opened and snapped to mine again. "He smiled." He said in awe.

"That means he's in." I whispered.

He smiled again and bent down to try to finish our interrupted kiss. Edward's lips connected with mine and we both smiled through our kiss, Sebastian was in. After we broke apart his forehead rested on mine and my smile only grew. I felt him kiss my forehead and separate.

"Thank you." He told our son sincerely and I knew he was talking about more than just agreeing with him. His eyes focused on him again and I saw the tears forming slowly, and my own joined "Thank you for coming, for being okay, for crying. Thank you so much for making me happier than I ever thought I'd be, thank you for making Arianna a big sister, but overall thank you for being the reason I get to wear my favorite shirt, remember I told you about it? Mommy gave it to me 35 weeks and two days ago and you don't know how _badly_ I've been wanting to wear it, I never want to take it off, but because of you the message in it will always be true, I'll always be Daddy² and for that I'll be forever thankful. I love you Sebastian, I love you just as much as I love Mommy and Arianna. Always." His tears fell slowly but I had no control, I had never heard anyone profess their love for a second born child this way, only Edward could strip down to his soul and tell our children how meaningful their existence was, how much it meant.

"Edward, do you want to go tell the family?" Dr. Powell asked, her voice was professional but I could swear her eyes were moist before she ducked her head.

He turned to look in her direction and nodded. Carefully he passed the baby back to me and when I turned back to look at him his hand tucked my loose hair behind my ear and he smiled once more before giving me another loving kiss. "I'll be right back, love." He vowed before exiting the room after the doctor.

And then it was just me and my son.

I settled him carefully on the pillow Edward gave me while I kept an arm securely around him. His little hat had shifted a little from him being moved, I hadn't seen his hair yet so I took it off and smiled once more at the sight of the little tuft of bronze hair on top of his head. He had managed to look even more like Edward, his spitting image. Unlike Edward though, his hair wasn't disheveled, it was messy right now because he had just been born but its texture wouldn't be all over the place like Edward's, Sebastian had Arianna's hair, soft ringlets, he had wavy hair, his tips were almost curled. And like his sister his cheeks were rosy, and so were his lips and eyelids. He was the perfect combination of the other most important people in my life: his Father and his sister.

Again I was just looking down at him, being amazed by the way his small chest rose, the way his little lips puckered, the way his tiny perfect face moved from expression to expression and finally I cherished the way his little soft pink eyelids were fluttering open. And when they did and his eyes focused on mine I was floored, because I wasn't looking into the standard blue eyes most babies grow out of, instead,: a replica of the gaze I'd seen and loved everyday for the past five years was looking up at me, and just like hers, his eyes mixed my favorite shade of green and my husband's favorite shade of brown.

He had his sister's eyes.

An emerald green that housed the smallest hints of chocolate brown, a sign that Edward and I were a packaged deal that we came together and our children's eyes were the perfect depiction of that thought. I hoped more than anything none of his features changed, for he was perfect.

In that moment, seeing my son looking at me for the first time, a completely new feeling invaded me: I was thankful.

I was thankful for what happened so long ago. I wasn't thankful I'd lost our first child, I was thankful I'd survived it.

After Edward left I only ever whished for one thing: to join our baby. I wanted so badly to put a stop to my pain, to end it. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. And every morning I did, I silently cried, because it was yet another day filled with nothing that I had to endure, yet another 24 hours in which my sole companion would be memories and regrets. Yet another day in which I had to go on without them.

And I didn't understand why my wish wasn't fulfilled, I didn't know why when I asked for an end I only got a continuation, why the only answer to my pain was more pain, more meaningless existence.

But now I did, now I understood perfectly: the tears I once shed over the loss of all meaning were what kept me alive. The frustration over not having my prayers answered were what, now, allowed me to have more than I ever thought I deserved, more that I ever knew to ask for.

My pain saved me.

My tears ran down unabashed and mixed with my smile, I'd finally understood. My eyes went to look out the window, at the clear summer sky. "Thank you." I said in as clear a voice as I could manage. It was a message that I knew would make its way to the people it was intended for. A long overdue realization that they both deserved to hear from me. And after a smile sent their way I looked back down at my son. And I shed more tears.

"Mommy?" I hear a soprano voice say. I looked in that direction and saw my daughter in her Father's arms, with our entire family behind. "Mommy, are you okay? Why are you crying?" Her voice broke.

I smiled at her and Edward brought her closer. "Hi, princess." I told her when she was next to my bed. "I missed you." I was well aware that the room was full, still, I was talking only to her.

She moved in my direction and Edward settled her on the bed next to me, he stood behind her to keep her from falling. "Why are you crying, Mommy?" She asked softly. Her own tears weren't far away.

Moving one hand from under her brother I touched her cheek and then ran it through her beautiful bronze hair as I looked her straight in the eye. "Because I'm happy, sweetheart. I'm crying because I'm incredibly happy." I cupped her cheek and smiled again. Very carefully she extended her little palms and wiped away my tears, I closed my eyes and felt yet more tears follow my previous ones, I was moved beyond words.

While keeping my eyes closed in an attempt to regain some composure I felt a tiny pair of lips just above my cheekbone give me the softest kiss I'd ever been given.

…_and just like you do mine I'll kiss your tears dry too._

That was the only thought than ran through my mind, a promise that Edward made in her name and now she was fulfilling.

Opening my eyes again I saw her closer to me than before. And I got lost in her eyes, so pure, so innocent, so warm. "Better?" She asked.

I could only nod.

The room fell quiet and I knew everyone had just witnessed my interaction with my daughter but for the first time in my life, I didn't mind being put in the spotlight.

A tiny cry brought us all back. Instinctively I started rocking him a little and went to look back at Arianna. She was looking at Sebastian with as much wonder as Edward and I were. I smiled. "Arianna, sweetie, this is your baby brother."

"He's so _pretty_." Was her awed reply.

Everyone laughed.

Edward came closer to her and asked her softly. "You want give him a little kiss?" She turned to look at him and nodded excitedly. "But you have to be gentle, okay?" She nodded again and turned to me expectantly.

I brought him as close to her as possible and she dipped her head carefully, with a "Muah" her pink lips connected with his rosy cheek…and then a flash caught us all off guard.

I looked up and saw four cameras being pointed at us, Alice had one, Rosalie had one and my Mother had one, Emmett was taping us, and suddenly I minded being the center of attention again and I felt my cheeks heat up to prove my point.

Arianna giggled and asked to see the pictures, everyone thawed out after that and came closer to her.

Edward came closer and whispered in my ear. "It was nice while it lasted."

"What?"

"You letting everyone know how worthwhile it is when you're put in the spotlight. That was one of the most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure to witness Bella and I'm glad they all saw it as well." His fingers brushed my cheeks. "Don't blush, love. Smile."

Oh God, my tears were about to restart. Sensing that, Edward dipped his head and softly touched his lips to mine, effectively relaxing me and reassuring his love for me in front of everyone who already knew about it.

"You know, you guys are squashing him."I heard Emmett's voice say and a little begrudgingly broke the kiss.

They all came and I placed our newest addition in Grandma Esme's willing arms while taking in the joy radiating from every member of my family, whether by blood, marriage or close friendship they were all family.

The next few minutes consisted of multiple kisses, hugs, congratulations and a few more tears. After that everyone in the room had settled and found a place to sit, Arianna was cuddled up next to me. She hadn't taken a nap yet from all the excitement but I knew she would soon and the hospital bed, though not as comfortable as her own would be better than the couch, that was the explanation I gave everyone, the real reason though? I loved having her little body next to mine; I cherished every hug her little arms granted me. I dipped my head again and kissed her bronze curls, she looked up at me and smiled then her stare focused again on her brother, sleeping in their Uncle Jacob's arms.

"So what's the name? Did you get a chance to think of one?" He asked softly.

This pregnancy also differed on the fact that I had actually wanted to know the gender, I knew Edward not knowing would be impossible so there was no chance of surprising him at birth. And I wouldn't keep him away from our baby for a second, he was there for every appointment, he once again showed me in the pictures how to see for myself what we were having. However we decided not to tell our family, we could surprise them. Only Arianna knew and she was sworn to secrecy, she pinky promised she wouldn't say anything.

And it had been a little hard on me, learning that we were having a son. I was beyond thrilled simply because it was our baby, yet I couldn't help but think of our first baby and how both Edward and I believed he was a boy too. And that night as I cried at that thought and he held me I apologized to my husband, because as much as I loved him and as glad as I was that we were having a little boy I couldn't do what he did, I couldn't name our baby boy after him, not even as a middle name, simply because that was the name I would've given our first baby, I would've named him exactly after his Father, and even though I didn't get to and we never named the only memento we had of him I still couldn't take something that felt so rightfully his.

He told me he understood and that he never expected me to name any of our babies after him because he already knew what our son's name would be since I'd named him in my sleep over five years ago.

"Sebastian." Edward answered with pride.

"Like the crab from "The Little Mermaid."" Arianna added and the room burst into quiet laughter so as not to wake him. But I saw Edward connect his eyes with Carlisle, Sebastian was Carlisle's Father's name, and though he had passed long ago my memory of him was still fresh, he was friends with my Grandfather and he had been the one to introduce me to Edward according to tales, of course I was in diapers back then, but I still knew I owed him my happiness, so the least I could do was honor him.

"Does he have a middle name?"

"Andrew." It was my turn to connect my eyes with my Father, and a saw a crinkly smile. My own Grandfather was to be honored as well.

"It's beautiful, it suits him." My Mother said while extending her arm to stroke his cheek lovingly.

And then we all smiled.

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"Now, Mommy?" Arianna asked impatiently. She was bursting with excitement; she had been waiting for this moment for months.

"Not yet, sweetie, we have to cover his eyes first, it's a surprise."

I heard a disappointed groan coming from both my daughter and husband, Edward was just as impatient as Arianna. He didn't have the patience to be surprised, especially with something so vital, but I would keep my ground, he had given me so many great surprises before, he deserved a few for himself as well.

The day after we found out we were going to have a son I realized what I could do, I couldn't surprise Edward with the sex of our baby but I _could_ surprise him with his nursery, and it was only fair, he had done Arianna's nursery for me, why shouldn't she and I do her brother's for him? So we did, we spent weeks into doing his nursery, and she was so happy to help, she filled her big sister role perfectly.

Getting a scarf from the baby bag I draped it over his eyes, he tried to shift his head so that he could see from the bottom, I got close to him and whispered on his ear. "Be good" I pleaded and felt him relax, I got the scarf properly on, kissed his lips briefly and straightened up.

"Now, honey." I told my daughter and saw her jump up and down, she reminded me of Alice sometimes. She rushed over and took his hand to guide him, he got up from the couch and turned around, "Let's wait for Mommy" he said.

My arms extended to take our silent but awake baby. Carefully I lifted him from his portable car seat and smiled at the sight of his shirt, the red C shined proudly, I had pictured him countless times in that shirt but had never come remotely close to the perfection of reality. I kissed him softly again and he let out a tiny noise that made us all smile.

"Ready to see your room, sweetheart? Your sister and I worked on it to surprise both you and Daddy with it, we hope you like it." I told him quietly as I followed his sister and Daddy through the halls of our fairly new house.

We had to move. Our old apartment only had two rooms and as willing as I would've been to let Sebastian take our room and sleep on the couch I knew Edward would never allow that, so shortly after Christmas we started looking for houses, it took a while but finally we found one that was perfect.

It was huge, it had four bedrooms and two and a half baths, a large backyard with a pond, a gigantic kitchen with all the utilities, a playroom, an office and a sitting room that doubled as a movie room. We had a swing set installed for Arianna within a month of moving in. It was beautiful, there was no doubting that, but I used to think that if there had been a way to stay in our apartment I would've taken it. So many significant things in my life happened in that apartment, it felt like my home even when I wasn't living in it, every memory was precious. And that's when I realized the truth in my words; every memory was precious because they were that: memories. Moving or not, being in that apartment or not I would keep them, they were a part of me no matter where I was the only physical memory more necessary than anything else was the onesie, and I would not leave him behind.

And when we finally moved in five months ago I immediately started a project with my daughter and I'd begun to create more great memories in this house too, she laughed in this house too, she ran free in this house too, she was happy in this house too, and that was all I wanted.

We reached the door to his nursery and Arianna prepared to unveil the only secret she had ever kept from Edward. She asked him to bend down so she could take the scarf of his eyes, he complied promptly. Once free of obstructions he smiled down at her and took her in his arms before giving her a loving kiss. He extended his hand and opened the door, he walked in slowly and I heard a gasp. I walked in after them and awaited a more descriptive reaction.

"Do you like it, Daddy?" She asked, biting her lip.

I came closer to them to see his face, his eyes were wide and searching and his mouth was open.

"Edward, do you like it?" I asked softly, a little worried now.

His eyes focused on mine with a weird expression, he looked moved and faraway. As if he was remembering a touching memory.

"It's exactly the same." He said in wonder.

So he noticed. "Not everything's the same, though, the toys aren't, neither are the pictures or drawings, it's really just how it's set up and the colo-"

He came close to me and ended my ramblings with a kiss. "Thank you, this is amazing Bella, I never would've imagined to do this, it's incredible." He smiled so did I.

"And you, honey, you helped Mommy, thank you so much to you too." He kissed her rosy cheek again and I saw his hands hold her tighter. "Did Mommy tell you why this room is so special? Why the way it's decorated is beyond incredible?" She shook her head; I didn't want to tell her just in case he didn't notice. But I should've known he would. And if he _did_ notice I wanted him to tell her himself. He looked back at me and smiled again.

"Because, princess, everything in this room is exactly like Daddy's room was when he was a baby. An exact replica."

He was pretty much right, Sebastian's nursery mirrored Edward's almost perfectly thanks to a picture I had managed to get.

The same baby blue paint washed the walls, the same curtains draped the window that was almost the same position and length as the one on the picture, his crib was identical despite being a different one, dark mahogany convertible crib, with white bedding, and a baby lion mobile. The same stroller had been remade for our daughter I had remade for our son, I wasn't planning on using it but it still meant a lot to me, it had been his and he changed it for his daughter, and she agreed to change it for her brother, the original navy blue and white were adorning it once more. Every piece of furniture in this nursery had been custom made to match the ones that had once been his Father's, all the bedding and drapes as well. And the theme was there too, Edward's nursery had been lion themed, though only after he was born did they add the lions, because of his hair. An untamable mane that my fingers managed to get lost in every night.

Sebastian's was baby lion themed, much softer and cuddly, I knew it was a boy's room but it had still been two girls who did it, I would not put any toys with fangs or claws next to my newborn son, even if they were just painted on. His toy box was filled with much different ones than his Father's had been, more plushy animals, not just lions but little bears and fish and lambs and the infallible duckies, courtesy of his sister.

The other difference was the pictures that were in here, his ultrasounds, pictures of the three of us, the very picture that gave me the idea to repeat the nursery and one of my personal favorites a montage of my growing belly, being kissed by his Father and sister weekly. Arianna's framed drawing of all of us as a happy family was decorating the opposite wall and behind the door was her most meaningful gift to her baby brother, in an exact replica of her room the onesie was hanging from the back of the door.

I cried bittersweet tears when she told me she wanted her brother to have the onesie. I didn't know what to say, how to take it. Just like her Father she dried my tears and gave me a hug. "Mommy, it's okay," she said "Sebastian can keep Onesie, that way he can take care of him too." She really was beyond her years.

"Why did you decide to do it like this, love?" Edward asked me as he fingered the picture of his own nursery, comparing.

The answer was both simple and obvious. I looked him straight in the eye, once again getting lost in his soul. "Because I want him to grow up to be just like you, Edward."

Another kiss met my words.

---------------------------------------------

"Ready, love?" He asked me tiredly.

I was tired as well, since we came home from the hospital so early we had the rest of the day to get adjusted to our newborn's schedule, he was more demanding than Arianna when it came to feeding, meaning his diaper changes were more frequent as well.

It was now a little past midnight and we had just come back from feeding him, thankfully just like with his sister I had no problems, except perhaps that he ate a little more, but I honestly didn't mind that, simply because it meant I got to hold him a little longer.

The afternoon was great, once Edward had seen his surprise we spent the afternoon hearing from our daughter how we had set everything up, where we got the wall paint, where we had the furniture made, where we got the toys, she was excited she helped and she let us know.

She sat down on the rocker and with both our help held him for the first time, after a while Edward got up and snapped what was surely to be one of my favorite pictures, Arianna sitting down with a smile, feeding her baby brother a bottle while taking in his features, she noticed his eyes too and her little mouth opened in awe.

The family came over again and they spent more time with him, and gave him all the things they had abstained from giving him before because they didn't know he would be a boy. I had a flashback of bringing our daughter home from the hospital except this time the color that predominated was blue and they came in holding them, rather than all the stuff already being inside.

When the time came for her to go to bed, Arianna made us bring the baby with us and read them both a story, before giving into sleep however she gave us all a goodnight kiss and wish, followed by an "I love you" that I would never get tired of hearing.

I half crawled my way to him and took my place, my head always rested on his shoulder and my hand always ended on his chest, his heartbeat was a soothing lullaby, keeping track of it relaxed me to the point where sleep overtook me.

I was almost completely under when I remembered something I hadn't done, the tiredness from two children making it almost escape my mind. Almost.

"I love you, Edward." I whispered with heavy eyes, hoping he wasn't already asleep himself and my midnight proclamation went unnoticed. It was vitally important that his name was the last thing I spoke in my day.

I waited for a few seconds before heaving a sigh. He was already asleep.

I extended my hand to turn off the lamp and returned to my place, keeping track of his calming heart.

"I love you too, Bella, have sweet dreams, love." Was his heavy reply.

Into the darkness I smiled a big smile, he'd heard me.

* * *

**That's right, this was the last chapter, I really hope it didn't disappoint.**

**I cannot thank you enough for all your comments, they're awesome, so if you haven't left one yet, please do? **

**There is just one more thing that I'll post and Channy calls it an epilogue, I call it an extra, but I SWEAR, you'll judge it tomorrow morning. **

**Until then, have a great day.**


	25. Epilogue Extra

**For anyone who has ever lost a part of themselves.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

A blessing in disguise

"Sophia!"

I turned around at the sound of my name. Samantha was coming. I smiled at her.

"So?" She asked eagerly when she reached me.

"I have a baby brother." I grinned proudly.

"Congratulations!!! What's he like?"

"He looks exactly like my Father but he has Arianna's eyes."

Their eyes, the only feature which I did not share with my siblings.

I caught sight of my bronze curls and went to twirl a finger around one of them.

Bronze curls, that's what we all shared. All of Edward and Isabella Cullen's children had bronze curls in common.

Arianna and Sebastian had identical eyes, vibrant green with specks of chocolate brown. Mine were a copy of my Mother's, entirely chocolate brown, deep ones like hers.

They didn't know that.

There were so many things my parents didn't know: that I had my Mother's eyes, my Father's hair, that my cheeks were rosy as well, that I was a girl. But perhaps the most important thing they ignored was the truth, that it wasn't their fault.

They couldn't have known, neither of them could have known that the accident they believe had claimed my life had really been the only way out. They couldn't have known that before that happened my heart had already stopped beating, that I no longer existed, that I was already here, watching over them.

My Mother couldn't have known that if they'd run an ultrasound that afternoon they would've realized I was no longer there.

They suffered, they suffered and mourned me. There were tears and blame, would haves and should haves, guilt and pain, because there was no way for them to know I wasn't meant to be with them.

Had I been born, had I been born there would've been no story to tell, no family to watch over, no smiles to share. Had I been born I would've been a stillbirth, the heart that stopped beating hours before the accident would have never started on that December morning. And there, right there was the blessing in disguise.

Had they seen my cold body, had they held my limp form, had they seen their dead child they would've followed. She would've never recovered and she would've tried to stop the pain, to fill the void by coming after me. She would've longed to see me and she would've done what it took…and he always followed her. And in that choice they would've lost each other, they would've walked in an eternity of doubts, between mists of helplessness, the love they always shared wouldn't have followed their lost souls. They would've feared alone.

Had I been born they would've never known what it was like to be a parent, because they would've never seen, they would've never held their breathing babies in their arms. My sister's rosy cheeks, my brother's gummy smile, the tears that filled their eyes when they heard his first cry, it wouldn't have happened had they seen me back then.

It wasn't a sacrifice, it was meant to be. Down there and in here common knowledge tells us: everything happens for a reason.

It was meant to be, no doubt, one life to save four, it was a fairly dealt hand.

Some of us are meant to be our families' keepers, their guardian angels. Some of us, the lucky ones, are here because we were meant to be here, because in our passing we ensured their staying.

They didn't understand, but that was human nature. The shouts and the screams, that was human nature.

Some gave into pain, others fought against it. My parents, they found a way to heal.

The best thing that ever happened to them was what they considered the worst experience of their lives. And it probably was, and hopefully it would be, but they didn't give up, they found solace in each other's arms.

And some day they would come, and when they did they would know, they'd know the truth behind the death of the first being who ever shared their mixed blood.

And when they came it would be alright, for they'd come together, hand in hand. And I would be there, and they would meet me, and we would smile.

I looked back at the chairs, theirs, to rest the long journey. Every year another part got added. I smiled a big smile at the knowledge of how long these would take to finish.

Not yet, they wouldn't join me yet. I wouldn't guide them just yet. Sebastian had just been born and in two years Aiden would follow. Of course, though, they had no way of knowing that. But I knew because He said so…and the biggest truth of all was, He would never lie.

And more tears would come and more laughter would sound and my Mother and Father would share kisses, not frowns.

And she would finally do what she wished for so long, she would tell him herself another baby would be born.

I smiled back at Samantha and we went to look down.

My family was there, together and well: My Father, My Mother, my sister and brother.

Four heartbeats, two soul mates, two children…one angel.

Like every night since they'd learned about me their prayers reached me at the same time and I smiled, because like every single day with their last conscious thought, they both wished me a good night.

* * *

**I should tell you guys that I wasn't sure about posting this chapter, I was absolutely sure about writing it, but it's such a fragil subject I wanted to be as respectful as I could be, I didn't want to risk anyone being offended. However I sent it to Channy about a month and a half ago and she never doubted my posting it, so you basically read it because of her. Remember all the times I told you she was great? It's because of this, she started as my beta and ended as my friend and I really appreciate that.**

**It really was my absolute pleasure to write this story and I can't thank you enough for giving it a shot.**

**As usual, have a great day,**

**Dunna**


	26. Selfish Author's Note

**Author's Note**

Hey guys, it's been a while, I hope all of you are alright. First off thank you so much to everyone who reviewed on the last two chapters and all of you who have alerted and favorited the story.

So I'm writing this note for completely selfish reasons, I'm gonna write another story and I would absolutely love if you gave it a shot, though it's gonna be much more dramatic than this one therefore I'll try to be as careful as possible with how I write it… please read it with an open mind.

The name of the story is "Vanity and Humanity" and the prologue should be available later today.

Have a great day and thanks again.


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